“Bart isn’t a stranger,” Zoey corrected. “He’s Jane’s friend.”
The therapist smiled. “You can tell me all about Bart and Jane and Tina in a minute, okay?” With that, she asked Luke to step into the waiting room.
“Of course.” He went out, and, although he wished he’d brought medical journals to read, the parenting magazine he picked up proved interesting. “Protecting Your Child Online.” There was a topic he ought to learn more about. “Peer Pressure and Your Pre-Adolescent Daughter.” Definitely worthwhile. Luke pocketed a subscription card.
He was absorbed in an article about teaching children to manage their finances when the inner door opened. A glance at his watch revealed that half an hour had passed.
Zoey blew her nose on a tissue, then straightened. “Hi, Daddy.”
“You okay, sweetheart?” He held his arms out for a hug.
She clung to him. “I like Cynthia.”
“Thank you,” said the psychologist, observing them from her consulting room. “I like you, too.”
Zoey gazed at Luke earnestly. “Daddy, I’m sorry I cut up Tina’s bunny. Can I buy her a new one with my allowance?”
“You bet.” Luke hadn’t mentioned the incident to Cynthia. “You told the doctor about that?”
“I was mean to Tina. I wished Grandma gave me the bunny. That bracelet itches my arm.” She blinked away a tear. “I love Tina. I don’t want her to go away.”
His throat tightened. “I don’t want her to, either.”
Cynthia opened a large plastic bin of toys. “Zoey, is it okay if I tell your father the other things we discussed while you play out here?”
His daughter nodded.
“Will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes? If you get worried, feel free to join us.” Cynthia watched the girl’s expression closely.
“I’m fine.” Zoey plucked a puzzle from the box.
Luke accompanied Cynthia into her cheerful office. “I should redo my examining rooms like this,” he joked.
She indicated a mural of Alice in Wonderland. “I’m not sure most women would care to have the Mad Hatter watch their yearly exam.”
“You’re right.” Relaxing, he took a seat. “Does Zoey think I was angry about her cutting up the bunny?”
“She does.”
“I understand that she might expect punishment. But why would she think I don’t want her?”
Cynthia pressed her fingertips together. “She’s already been bounced around between her mother and grandmother. When she heard that you were finding a new home for the baby, she figured you might give her up, too.”
No wonder his daughter had been crying. “Nothing could be further from my mind. I was trying to ensure Zoey gets the attention she deserves.”
“Children don’t think the way adults do,” the counselor noted. “Since they believe they’re the center of the universe, they feel overly responsible for others’ reactions.”
Luke shuddered at his mistake. “I love both girls. Obviously, I’ve had far more time to become attached to Zoey. Since Tina’s only been with us for two weeks, I imagined I’d be doing her a favor finding her a two-parent family.”
“I can’t make that decision for you.” Cynthia glanced at her notepad as if to refresh her memory. “But you have a stronger bond with the baby than you realize. From what you’ve told me, her mother regarded you as her own surrogate father, and you’ve known Tina literally since she was born. As she grows, those connections should help give her a sense of belonging.”
He’d never thought of it that way. “I’ve been tearing myself apart over giving her up. I’m glad I won’t have to.” A burden lifted from his spirit as he spoke. “I hope Zoey will be reassured when she learns Tina’s staying with us.”
“I believe so. As for Zoey’s mother, Zoey has a lot of abandonment issues to deal with, but fundamentally, she’s got both feet on the ground. She opened up and talked freely, which shows that she trusts adults. You and her mother can take credit for that.” The counselor regarded him thoughtfully. “Do you have any other questions or concerns?”
“I suppose I have a few abandonment issues of my own,” Luke conceded. “My mom left when I was young. I can’t help wondering how that affects my abilities as a parent.”
“You strike me as a loving and stable father who has a strong tie to his daughter,” Cynthia said. “I suggest a few more sessions to sort things out during this transitional stage in all your lives, and I’d be happy to talk further about your childhood experiences. We could start that process now, if you like.”
He decided against it. “Zoey’s waiting. And there’s no rush.”
They arose. “I understand you live around the corner from me. I’m glad to have you as a neighbor,” the counselor said.
Luke shook her hand. “I’ll call your office tomorrow for our next appointment.”
He collected his daughter, who returned the toys to their box without protest and happily took his hand. How had he missed what now seemed obvious clues about Zoey’s emotions? He’d been totally wrong about her feelings toward Tina, for instance.
As they got in the car, Zoey said, “Cynthia’s a good doctor.”
“The best,” Luke concurred. “Don’t worry about Tina. She’s going to stay with us and be your sister always. I hope you feel better.”
She paused as if taking her internal temperature. “A bit.”
“What else is wrong?”
Her lips pressed together. “Why doesn’t Mommy come see me?” she asked at last.
“She will,” Luke said. “When her schedule settles down.”
“I guess.” Zoey stuck her hands in her pockets.
“My mom left when I was four years old,” he reminded her. “But we stayed in touch. That’s your Grandma Marie.
“I have another grandma?” she asked.
Stunned, he said, “You’ve met Grandma Marie.” The last time had been—what?—two years ago. “Remember when we flew to San Francisco?”
“Oh, yeah. She makes those paintings.” She frowned. “They’re kinda sad.”
“I think so, too.”
The fact that Zoey had nearly forgotten Luke’s mother wasn’t surprising, he supposed. She rarely remembered to send birthday or Christmas presents, let alone visit.
Marie Van Dam had gotten fed up with being a mother by the time Luke came along. Guess it’s like Kris said. I was one child too many.
He recalled a bitter argument he’d had as a teenager, when his brother had shouted, “Mom never would have left if it weren’t for you.”
For some odd reason, Luke had secretly agreed with him. But why?
He caught the edge of an even older memory. Angry words. A terrible fear that sent darkness spiraling through him. Good Lord, how long had he been repressing that?
As Cynthia had said, children often took too much responsibility for adults’ behavior. Maybe it was time Luke confronted the subject straight on, and not just by talking to a counselor.
He set the issue aside to spend the next few hours concentrating on the girls. And enjoyed a sweet moment when Zoey helped him put her sister to bed. “I’ll buy you a new bunny,” she announced from beside the crib. “You’re staying with us forever.”
“That’s a promise,” Luke seconded.
Once he’d tucked Zoey into bed, he settled in the living room and took out his phone. Time to face something he’d buried long ago and that had been ticking away like a time bomb ever since.
No matter how much the truth hurt, he’d rather deal with it than keep on wondering.
Chapter Sixteen
After dinner on Thursday, Jane finally tried something she’d been considering for a long time. She checked out an online dating Web site a friend had recommended.
Mr. Right had to be out there, and finding him was a matter of logistics. Before Luke arrived, she’d exhausted her pool of friends of friends, and working in an office with mostly women provided few chances to encounte
r men. She was ready to take the plunge.
The site let her input her zip code, which allayed her doubts about meeting someone who lived nearby. As for her profile, Jane had heard never to put in identifiable personal data, and her friend had advised not to say she was a doctor, because that might attract gold diggers. Instead, she indicated she worked in the medical profession, and listed her interests and preferences.
Now, what kind of man was she seeking?
Mid-thirties. Tall enough to gaze down at me hungrily. Gray eyes that turn purple when he’s passionate. Thick brown hair that flops in his eyes when he forgets to cut it. A slightly crooked nose from a football injury, and a cleft in his left cheek.
Oh, honestly, that was never going to fly.
Propping her elbows on the desk, Jane rested her face in her hands. Okay, so she craved Luke, but he was unavailable in every sense. Absorbed in his work, averse to long-term commitments, emotionally remote. A lot like her dad.
The other guys who’d shown an interest in her over the years hadn’t excited her the way he did, but, she reminded herself, it was all a numbers game. Meet enough men and she would find someone with the right qualities.
On the screen, she filled out a few more specifics and turned her future over to the computer program. Make me a match. Or a few hundred. She’d winnow them out.
Her phone rang. Not surprising, since she was on call, and sure enough, the hospital needed her. Another miracle was on the way.
More than one miracle, Jane hoped as she hurried to her car. There might be magic on the Internet, if she searched long enough.
MARIE VAN DAM ANSWERED the phone sounding distracted, as if she’d been dragged away from something important. Come to think of it, she usually gave that impression, Luke reflected.
Her tone softened slightly when she heard his greeting. “How’s it going?”
“Pauline got married again. I took Zoey to a counselor today to help her deal with it.” He decided to get straight to the point. “That started me thinking about you. I mean, about when you left us.”
Luke’s mother released a long breath. “I figured we’d have this conversation eventually.”
“Which conversation?” he asked.
“The one about how your awful mother abandoned her children,” Marie said with a cynical edge.
He didn’t like the way she dismissed his attempt to heal old wounds. “I’m not trying to beat you up emotionally,” Luke replied stiffly. “It’s that I’m having trouble understanding some stuff.” Might as well blurt the whole thing. “Was I the reason you left?”
His mother made a choking noise. “What on earth gave you that idea?”
“Kris blames me.” Although he and his brother had more or less moved past their teenage quarrel, they’d never become close. “The truth is, I’ve always figured I was responsible, too.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” As usual, Marie sidestepped any venture into emotional territory. “If it helps, I apologize, okay? I hope you’re satisfied. Now let’s leave it at that.”
I hope you’re satisfied. The words he’d heard her say years before. He’d been very small, quaking as his mother’s voice exploded at his father in the next room: You pushed me to have another baby. I hope you’re satisfied! I warned you I couldn’t handle this. Along with the memory came a stab of primal fear, not the rational anxiety of an adult but the terror of a four-year-old on the brink of losing the most important person in his world.
“You argued with Dad,” Luke recalled. “Kris and I were listening. You said it was Dad’s idea to have another baby, and you couldn’t handle it.”
Silence descended on the other end of the line. He half expected his mother to once again brush off his concerns.
“You boys heard that?” she said instead. “I thought you were asleep.”
“Kris never forgave me for driving you away. We fought about it later,” he admitted.
“Oh, Lord. I never dreamed that you knew.” She halted, breathing hard.
Never having had such an open discussion with his mother before, Luke wasn’t sure what to say. He simply waited.
Marie cleared her throat. “I realized after Quent’s birth that I wasn’t ready to have children, but I tried to make the best of it. Then Kris came along, and instead of pitching in as he’d promised, your dad spent more time at work. I moved back with my parents for a while, but he begged me to return and try for a girl. My parents played a guilt trip on me, so I did.”
“Instead you got me,” Luke muttered. “Another boy.”
“You were a sweet little kid who never gave me any trouble,” his mother responded. “But your father paid even less attention to his family than before. I got so mad, I screamed at everybody, including you kids. I imagined that if I left again, your father might come to his senses and maybe we’d work something out. Instead, he refused to bend an inch and treated me like the enemy. Finally I said the hell with it.”
“I thought you went to find yourself.”
“Well, that, too,” she admitted.
“Didn’t you miss us?” Luke disliked the quaver in his voice. Couldn’t help it, though.
“Very much. I cried a lot,” she admitted. “But San Francisco was an exciting place to be thirty years ago—it still is—and I got busy making up for lost time. I was only eighteen when I got married. Remember your dad’s ten years older than me. This was my first taste of independence.”
She’d been the same age as Annie when she became a mother. Luke had always pictured his parents as mature and settled.
“I know I let you kids down,” she went on. “And I’m sorry you felt responsible for my leaving. But my life suits me. I can’t live it to please someone else.”
“No one expects you to.” Luke wasn’t sure what he’d hoped for. A more profound reconciliation, perhaps. Still, at least now he understood what had happened.
“And, Luke?” Marie said.
“Yes?”
“It’s okay that you don’t like my paintings.”
They both chuckled. Obviously he hadn’t hidden his reaction as well as he’d thought. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. I’m sorry I couldn’t show it more.” That was clearly the best she could offer.
After hanging up, Luke found Kris’s number and called his brother. They had a lot to talk about, too.
ON FRIDAY, Jane droved into her parking space behind the office as Luke was emerging from his car. He waited for her, a trench coat emphasizing the strong lines of his body.
“Thanks for subbing for me last night,” he said. “I owe you. Busy?”
“Only one delivery, and at a very reasonable hour.” A darling little boy with thick dark hair and beautiful chocolate skin. “How’d it go with Cynthia Lieberman?” They’d both arrived early, so there was no rush to get into the office.
“I learned a lot.”
“About what?”
“I completely misjudged the situation with Zoey,” Luke conceded. “And I’ve decided to keep Tina.”
Jane felt a tug of disappointment. Still, she hadn’t really expected him to let her have the baby, and besides, they’d be right next door, at least for a while. “You know I’ll help as much as I can, as long as you’re in the neighborhood.”
“You aren’t upset?”
“I’m glad for you and the girls,” she told him truthfully.
He still made no move to go inside. “I’d like you to know I’m making a fresh start.”
“You already did that,” she pointed out. “You moved to Brea less than six weeks ago.”
“I meant in the way I look at things.”
Standing this close, his body heat sheltered her from the early-morning chill. As he leaned toward her, Jane felt a keen awareness of his mouth, and how much she ached to kiss it.
You are not going to do this, McKay. She took a step back. “Well, good for you.”
“Aren’t you going to ask what I mean?”
“I’ve
got a lot on my mind.” Like putting you in the past. “Save it for another day.”
He released a long breath. “Okay, no personal stuff. But you might be interested to hear about my idea for what we could do with that MRI scanner.”
She didn’t give a rat’s nest about the MRI. “You should discuss that with Wendy Clark.”
“Jane!” Luke burst out. “If we can do research right here, it means I won’t have to leave.”
“That’ll be wonderful for your patients.” Did he expect her to leap for joy like some lovestruck intern? She wasn’t even sure she wanted him to stick around. It made her even more determined to find the right guy.
“Is this about Bart?” he asked.
“Bart?”
“The man you might or might not marry. You aren’t really going through with that, are you?” he demanded.
“Our plans have changed.” Might as well come clean. “We decided we didn’t really suit.”
To her indignation, Luke grinned. “A wise choice.”
His smugness stretched her patience to the breaking point. “Yes. It frees me to make a fresh start, too,” she snapped.
“Jane, what’s this about?” The way Luke kept verbally poking at her made Jane even angrier.
“Last night I posted my profile on a dating Web site. When I checked this morning, there were five responses.”
“You did what?” He caught her arm.
She shrugged free. “Bart wasn’t the right guy. But I’m going to find him.”
What a bunch of nonsense and colored smoke. The man she yearned to spend her life with stood right here, staring at her with a dumbstruck expression. But while the business about a fresh start and sticking around might sound enticing, all it meant was that he’d go on being the boy next door who expected them to be friends with privileges.
“I’m sure we’ve both got plenty to do,” Jane concluded, and sailed inside.
At the nurses’ station, Rosemary Tran glanced past Jane’s shoulder. “What’s wrong with Dr. Van Dam? He looks as if someone just slapped him.”
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