I’m speechless. And my heart feels so full I think it might burst.
He may be leaving in a few days, but not because he wants to.
I can’t make a big deal of this. I rise casually and gather a cloth, antiseptic, and analgesic ointment along with a few bandages. I lower the heat on the stove and stir the veggies so they don’t burn before pulling the other chair up beside him.
“You don’t have to–” Colt tries to stop me from taking his foot in my lap but I’m determined.
I shake my head and peek up at him. “It’ll only take a minute.” I’m dabbing at his feet gently. Some of these cuts are deep.
As I wipe away the blood, conviction builds inside me. When Colt leaves here, he’s going to be in high demand.
But I’ve decided, while he’s here, he’s going to be coddled. I’ve already lost my heart to him. A few more days will only give me more memories. And after he’s gone, I’ll feel all the better knowing I spent all my love in the moment.
And something in my heart tells me that Colt Forrester will need a surplus of love for later.
“Do you think it worked?”
I’m examining his feet, so I glance up at him questioningly.
Colt points to my tummy and makes a twirling motion. “Squirt? Did he turn?”
Trying not to love this guy so much, but he’s making it really hard.
I finish with his foot and start feeling around my stomach. “This here.” I press on the hard spot at the top. “I think is his head. Feel how hard it is?” Colt leans forward, and I watch those slender, strong hands of his explore my rounded abdomen. This nearly brings tears to my eyes.
Yep. The rollercoaster. He looks up at me suspiciously, as though he senses my emotional overload.
“Hormones.” I shrug. “Totally normal.”
He touches the corner of my eye with his thumb and then goes back to Squirt’s bump. “Does it hurt?”
I shake my head.
He’s searching around, pressing gently. He locates another hard spot and slides his hand along it. “Spine?” He’s concentrating as he searches the lumps and bumps where I used to have flat, taut skin. And then he smiles. The biggest, cheesiest grin I’ve ever seen. Squirt’s kicking him.
“I guess we’ll have to keep working on it then… Unless you still want me to sing up your–”
“Maybe not.” I’m laughing with him now. Even I feel like that one’s a stretch… “I’ll try the headphones maybe.” And with that image for some reason I’m blushing. As though I have anything to hide…
His hand rests on my stomach still. I sense his change of mood before he speaks. “So, we’re good? You and me?” He swallows. “Us?”
“We are so good.” I rise from my chair and straddle him. “I know you have to leave. I know you have commitments.” I settle myself on his lap and dangle my arms around his neck. “I’m making it my mission to fill you up with love before you go.” I seal my vow with a kiss.
This kiss is sweet, and lingering. Forgiving. Apologizing.
“I think I can handle that.” His hands are sliding along my thighs. “Just so you let me keep working on this breech thing.”
His lips have trailed down my throat, to my collar bone. I love how his stubble scratches my skin. It stings just enough to remind me of all the differences between us. I shiver, and he nips at me.
“Ahhh, what do you want to do today?” I somehow manage to get the words out. Already I’m squirming against him. He barely touches me, and I’m burning for more.
“I thought I just told you.” One of his hands tugs at my breast. Again, a tiny bit of pain in exchange for an avalanche of pleasure. “Work on turning Squirt.”
He pulls away and watches me innocently. “Unless you have something else in mind?”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Colt
Leaving her sneaks up on me like a terminal disease. A balloon mortgage. The end of the world. At first, we’re so fucking happy I can hardly stand myself. She even played golf with me.
She played atrociously, but she played. And contrary to any other time I’ve ever played with a beginner, I enjoyed every minute.
Because I got to constantly put my hands on her. And when I helped her with her swing I could press my cock against that sweet little ass.
As each day passes, the reality of saying goodbye looms ominously closer. And like a thundercloud moving over the mountains, my mood darkens.
I’ve held up my end of our deal. Done my damnedest to get Squirt to turn.
And Charlie.
She’s just kept right on being Charlie. Not asking for anything. No demands. No games. No expectations.
I leave tomorrow. Although she’s taken a few days off, she’s working today, so I’m on my own.
Every minute we’re apart screws with my mind. Because when I’m not with her, I’m thinking about her. When I am with her, I fight the urge to say something stupid. Like “I love you. Come with me.”
“Marry me.”
Either way, I’m fucked. She’s having a baby. She loves her life here. Being on the road. Waking up in a different city every day.
It would kill her.
Not to mention she’s about to bring a new life into the world. I’d end up hating myself and worse – she’d end up hating me.
This anxiousness I’m feeling isn’t going away.
I’ve played a round of golf, taken a yoga class, and now I’m back in my cabin feeling as edgy and uncomfortable as the day I arrived.
I hate goodbyes. I’m half tempted to write a note and leave tonight.
But I can’t.
Because the other half of me needs to be with her. Needs to bury myself inside of her and absorb whatever it is she’s giving me.
One more time.
No, as many times as I can. Over and over again. Like a man who’s going off to war.
God, I’m fucking pathetic.
Not once has she asked me to stay. Not once since that night has she dropped a single comment or hint to make me feel guilty for leaving her.
Physically, she’s a dream come true. Which probably sounds crazy, being as she’s about four weeks away from giving birth, but she’s creative. And surprisingly flexible. She’s also a giving little creature. Best. Head. Ever.
If that was all, I’d still suffer for leaving her.
The trouble is. It’s not. I love talking with her. As in sharing and listening and laughing and all that crap. She’s constantly surprising me – in a good way. She makes me laugh.
We’ve made the mistake of developing this into something that resembles a relationship.
Today, however, I’m a mess.
I can’t leave yet but I need out of this cabin. I’ll go by the office. See if she wants to drive to that diner again tonight. If we stay in, cooking, sipping wine, and making love I’ll probably do something stupid, like propose.
And I won’t do that to her. This relationship, as incredible as it is, has one major flaw.
Me.
That fact alone timestamps it with an expiration date. Because I’d have to leave her behind and eventually I’d break. I’d fall into old habits. I know how weak I am when I’m out there. I get tired. I get horny.
I lock the door to my cabin and head down the path.
No matter how many times I’ve seen her, this excites me. To hell with walking, I break into a jog. Chad waves as I approach the elaborate building.
“Hey, Mr. Forrester!” He’s about to climb into an upscale SUV. “If I don’t see you tomorrow, I wanted to say g’bye! Thanks again for the jam session. My mom’s been telling all her friends about it. You’d think I was the one going on tour.” The kid rolls his eyes. I had Chad come over on his day off and we ran through some of his songs and then a few of mine. The kid’s got talent.
“It just might be some day.” I wave him over and reach into my wallet. Along with a C note I hand him a card. “Will you do me a favor?”
Chad looks intrigued, bu
t eager to do my bidding.
“Let me know when Charlie has the baby. Send me a text. I just want to know how everything goes.” I pull off another bill. “And if it’s a boy or a girl.”
The kid’s not stupid. He nods. Oddly enough, I feel better.
He returns to work, and I skip every other step till the automatic doors swoosh open.
Charlie doesn’t see me as she seems to be checking in another guest. I slip into the gift shop and impulsively decide to get something for Squirt.
I don’t like to think about it, but I’ve realized I’m never gonna meet him. We still don’t think he’s turned, and I can’t help worrying about it. Charlie says she’s not going to dwell. It’s out of her control, but I know she’s freaking out inside.
I watch her out of the corner of my eye.
And then the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
This dude. This asshat in a suit, has taken hold of one of her hands.
And she hasn’t pushed him away. She’s nodding. He’s leaning toward her. He’s stroking his fingers on the back of her hand.
Oh, hell no. Anger coils down my spine. Charlie glances over at me. She sees me. She feels my tension. She probably fucking felt it before she knew I was here. She does that.
Seeing he’s lost her attention, asshat’s gaze follows hers.
I don’t care.
I don’t give a fuck.
I saunter over to her desk. “Hey, Charlie.” I let my eyes stray to her breasts for a little too long.
“Colt.” When she goes to stand, she realizes Asshat still has her hand. She tugs it away ever so fucking gently and flutters her hands over her bump. It’s her tell. She’s nervous as shit. “This is… Brent Webber. Brent, Colt Forrester.”
I still. The guy looked like an accountant. Average weight, maybe a little over. Maybe he’d been fit once, but he wasn’t any longer.
He’d had Charlie once and from the looks of things, he wanted her back.
Squirt’s fucking father.
Asshat is oblivious to the tension in me as well as Charlie’s apprehension. He shakes my hand pretentiously.
Recognizes me.
“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Forrester. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay here at Whiskey Creek. I take it Charlie’s made sure all your needs have been met?”
I grip his hand a little longer than necessary. “I haven’t seen you around. Thought I’d met everyone on the Whiskey Creek team.” I narrow my eyes. I can’t help it. This bastard. “And yes, Charlie’s… taken care of all my needs.”
“Oh, well. I’ve been on leave. I’m taking on the position of assistant manager now that I’m back. Contact me if I can do anything for you. Anything to make your stay even more memorable.
I wonder if she knew he would be here today. She must have. He’s the fucking father of her child.
Of Squirt.
He’d been inside of her. He’d planted his fucking seed inside of her. It takes all my self-control not to tear the bastard apart.
Except.
He came back.
This is perfect. Just so fucking perfect.
“Won’t be necessary, Webber. In fact, I’m here to check out. Decided to cut things short. Only so much a guy can do in one place for two weeks.” And then I wink. “If you know what I mean.”
I have Charlie’s full attention now. “You’re checking out?” I can’t look at her. I’ll see the hurt. I’m pissed that she let this bastard hold her hand. I’m pissed that she ever let him touch her.
I’m just so fucking pissed right now I can hardly see straight.
“Yeah. They need me in L.A. early.” They don’t. “We’re running into a few snags.” We aren’t.
She turns to Webber. “Brent, if you’ll excuse me. I need to, ah… take care of Mr. Forrester.” I turn my head and stare out the glass doors. This is it. This is goodbye.
“Of course. Business before pleasure.” Asshat takes her hand in both of his again. “So damn good to see you, babe. I’ll come by your place so we can talk later…” And then with another nod at me, he’s gone.
I raise one brow. “Sounds cozy.” I can’t help myself. I know I’m leaving. I have no right…
Doesn’t stop me from wanting to wipe the floor with the bastard.
I’m not overly pleased with Charlie right now, either.
“What do you mean you’re checking out?” Panic has hold of her voice. She isn’t ready for this. I’m not either, but I just can’t…
I clench my jaw. This will be so much easier in the long run without a sobbing, heartfelt goodbye. Neither of us will make any promises to regret after a few weeks.
“Like I said. Hit a few snags.” And then I make the mistake of looking at her. Those eyes.
My eyes.
Shining with tears. Bottom lip trembling. “Colt.” She swallows hard. This woman is so fucking strong she puts me to shame. She’s going to be noble. Why doesn’t she start calling me names? Throw her stapler at me?
“When did he get back? Did you know he was coming?” I tilt my head in the direction Asshat disappeared.
She’s shaking her head slowly, dazed. “I… didn’t. Nobody told me.”
Which in my opinion is a dick move on the part of her managers. Surely, they know. Personal information has a way of making the rounds up here. My bet is that every employee on the ranch knows who Charlie’s baby daddy is.
“So, hey. You won’t be alone after all. You can take him to your Lamaze class next week.”
I’ve slashed her with those words. Easier for her to let go.
“Can we…” She glances around. “Talk outside for a minute?” She starts to come out from around her desk, but I halt her with my hand.
“I really don’t have time for this.” I can’t do it. I can’t. I steel myself against these God damn fucking feelings taking over my body. “If you wouldn’t mind…” I glance at the computer. “Checking me out.”
Charlie just stares at me. For an instant, I see all my pain reflected in her face. But then she seems to shake it off. She nods.
“Of course.” She lowers herself back into her chair.
Her hands shake as she places them on the keyboard. As she begins typing, though, they gradually steady.
Those hands. I turn my head and look outside again.
After a few minutes, her printer comes to life. She removes the printout and slides it across the desk. When I reach for it she covers my hand. I’m pierced. I’m wounded. Her touch kills me. It nearly shreds my resolve.
“I love you.”
No.
Fuck no. Why? Is this some attempt to lay a shitload of guilt on me? Except I know Charlie, and I fucking know that it isn’t. It’s just a gift.
“You don’t have to take it.” Her smile wobbles. How the hell does she do that? “You can take it with you. Burn it. Shove it in a drawer. Throw it out the window. But when you need it, it’s there. A piece of my heart.” She releases my hand, rises, and without looking back, walks through the sliding glass doors.
She left me.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Charlie
It took everything I had to leave. I knew if I watched him walk away from me, I’d break down. I might even have begged him not to go. So instead, I held up my head and marched out that door.
I didn’t look back.
I can’t endure watching him walk away from me.
Without realizing where I’m going, I wander out to the green – our place – and allow the tears to fall. At first, they’re all sweet and quiet. Silent tears welling up and overflowing. But as reality sets in, they turn to sobs. I don’t stop sobbing until I’m spent. The shadows of the trees are long and dark. Suddenly, I’m me again, just lying on the grass, staring up at the sky.
“Just us.” I pat Squirt. “You and me.”
More tears.
“We can do this,” I encourage us. “Don’t worry, baby.” When had I started thinking I needed Colt to help me with this baby?
To help me raise Squirt?
I’d lost myself in a dream. Stupid. Stupid. I’d always been optimistic. Maybe I need to rethink my optimistic outlook. I’m learning that it makes losing so much more painful.
Cause now I’m alone.
Alone and scared…
It’s so much worse than I’d imagined it would be. This place.
Without Colt Forrester. Without his lazy smile, smiling eyes. It makes me hurt all over.
It’s been a week since he left. Squirt still hasn’t turned. Brent’s been pestering me. Says leaving me was the biggest mistake he ever made.
The irony.
I’m going through the motions of living because I have no other choice. I have this little precious creature growing inside of me. He needs me to eat. To sleep. To drink. He needs me to feel peace and comfort. The last two are the toughest. I’ve meditated. Exercised. Communed with nature. Unfortunately, all of it fails to ease the pain of losing Colt.
Both midwives met with me at my last appointment. They’ve discussed my options. We can still hope for a vaginal birth but the likelihood of Squirt turning now is almost nil. And since I have a small pelvis… Next week I have an appointment with an obstetrician who performs cesareans.
It’s not what I wanted, but…
That’s my life now… A bunch of ellipses.
Ever since he left, I’m supposed to move on. I’m sure I’ll feel better after Squirt’s born.
I’ve never felt this alone.
I have friends, family. I talk to people all day long. And Brent is trying so hard. He doesn’t get it. I’ve told him nicely that I’m no longer interested, but it’s as though he doesn’t hear me.
Teri told me Brent admitted to her that he saw some pictures of me online with Colt. She thinks it has something to do with why he came back. The idea that somebody else wants me now.
Wanted.
It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know why he came back. I know he’s Squirt’s dad, and he’ll have to have some sort of relationship with our child, but I can’t fathom anything else.
I miss Colt so much. My head hurts. I feel weak.
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