‘How?’ asked Mr Briggs uncertainly. He looked from the supposedly drowned boy to the titled lady.
‘She said that the Dog’s Bone Diamond was washed overboard, but I know where she’s hidden it! She was bragging about it … taunting us with it …’ He paused. ‘Before she forced us into the leaking rowing boat.’
The crowd – made up of many more sailors who’d come to see what all the fuss was about – gasped (which is nice because it adds to the drama; even if they hadn’t gasped, I might have said they did, just to make it sound better … but they did, anyway, so I don’t have to).
‘Potty, I tell you,’ cried Lady Bustle. ‘The boy’s gone potty.’
Mr Briggs looked at her sadly. ‘Then you won’t mind if he shows us where he thinks it is,’ said Mr Briggs.
The still-dripping Eddie led the way to his cabin and threw open the door. Even Madder Aunt Maud was still lashed to the bed, as Eddie had left her two nights previously.
‘About time too!’ said his great-aunt as everyone piled into the cabin. ‘I am due to marry the Archbishop of Canterbury at midday and must have my moustache curled.’
‘My dreamboat!’ said Mad Uncle Jack, throwing his arms around her tightly trussed body.
‘Remove this man!’ shouted Mad Aunt Maud. ‘Have him shot!’
But Eddie wasn’t listening. He pulled Malcolm the stuffed stoat out from beside her and pointed to some bright red stitching.
‘Unpick that!’ he said.
Lady Constance made a dash for the cabin door, only to find it barred by ‘Jolly’ Roger. ‘I think you ’ad better be waitin’ in ’ere, m’lady, until Mr Briggs says otherwise,’ he said.
Briggs produced a knife from his pocket and cut through the stitching with one swipe of the blade.
Mad Aunt Maud’s eyes widened in horror. ‘Murderer!’ she cried.
‘Don’t worry,’ Eddie reassured her, feeling inside the stuffed stoat and pulling out the Dog’s Bone Diamond with a triumphant flourish. ‘A bit of fresh stuffing and Malcolm will be as right as rain!’
‘How on Earth did he swallow that?’ cried Even Madder Aunt Maud. ‘Silly, silly boy!’
Mr Briggs took the fabulous jewel and held it up in front of Lady Constance’s face. ‘How do you explain this?’ he asked.
‘I – er – Anyone could have put it there,’ she protested.
‘But you said that you saw it being washed overboard,’ Mr Briggs reminded her.
‘I saw him go overboard, too,’ said Lady Constance, ‘and he’s back.’
‘The stitching,’ said Eddie. ‘Look at the stitching.’
‘That doesn’t tell you anything,’ said Lady Constance. ‘They looked like perfectly normal stitches to me, cleverly concealed if one didn’t know where to look … which you somehow, and somewhat suspiciously, did, Master Edmund!’
‘Cleverly concealed?’ said a puzzled Mr Briggs and there were a few murmurs from the assembled company.
‘Malcolm ate something that didn’t agree with him and Eddie and that nice man operated to remove it,’ Even Madder Aunt Maud was telling Mad Uncle Jack, who was now busy untying her. Both seemed blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding around them.
Eddie held up a piece of cut thread from the stitching. ‘It’s bright red and doesn’t match Malcolm’s fur in the slightest,’ said Eddie. ‘But, when we first met, Lady Constance told me that she has Dalton’s Disease, which means that she has a kind of colour blindness …’
‘And mistakenly thought that the stitching blended in with the ferret’s fur,’ said Mr Briggs. He then added an ‘ouch’ because Even Madder Aunt Maud had just hit him over the head with Malcolm.
‘He’s a stoat,’ she told him.
Episode 12
Back and Forth
In which we go backwards and forwards in order to try to make sense of it all
When matters were explained to Tobias Belch, he quickly agreed to take his ‘steamglider’ to the tiny island – more of a large sandy bump in the ocean than anything else – where Eddie had informed them the others were awaiting rescue. Obviously, Eddie had to accompany him for it was only he who (he hoped) knew the way. Mr Briggs insisted on coming too because he felt it his duty to be on the rescue mission that saved his captain. Jolly was put in charge of the Pompous Pig, with strict instructions that Even Madder Aunt Maud wasn’t allowed to touch anything, and that Lady Constance must remain locked in her cabin, with a guard on each door.
As Belch II steamed off, Eddie now had a chance to tell Mr Briggs what had led to his disappearance, along with the captain, the galley hand and the third paying passenger …
*
… On that fateful moonlit night, two nights previously, Eddie couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Lady Constance deep in conversation with Swags.
‘They know each other!’ he whispered to Powder Monkey, who was crouching next to him in the shadow of a huge barrel – which really was a barrel this time – marked ‘SHIP’S BISCUITS’.
‘I don’t fink vey do, ya know,’ Powder Monkey whispered back. ‘She appears to be makin’ introductions.’
It was true. Creeping as near as he dare, Eddie could hear Lady Constance saying: ‘… and, though I don’t know your real name, I know that you’re the escaped convict they call Swags.’
‘Am I supposed to be impressed by that?’ asked Swags, with a voice that made his flesh creep. ‘The boy told you. That’s all.’
‘But no one has told the captain. Yet,’ said Lady Constance. Her meaning was very clear.
Eddie couldn’t hear what Swags said next but he certainly didn’t look the happiest person on the ship.
‘Now, of course, if you and I were to share the profits from a little something you have …’ Lady Constance paused.
‘I don’t have anything you want, lady,’ said Swags and he made the word ‘lady’ sound far from ladylike, which was fair enough when you think about it. Eddie’s official travelling companion was turning out to be on the nasty side of not-so-nice, and (as those of you reading these pages in order will already know) her worst was yet to come.
‘You have exactly what I want, Mr Swags, but I’m prepared to share it,’ she went on. ‘I’m willing to bet my life that you have the Dog’s Bone Diamond somewhere about your person’ (which means ‘somewhere on you’). ‘Agree to split the profits when you have it cut down into smaller gems and sold, and your secret remains just that: a secret.’
Swags turned and faced out to sea and, once again, Eddie couldn’t hear what he was saying, but there was absolutely no doubt what he saw. Lady Constance slipped her hand deep into an outer pocket of the convict’s tatty coat and, with the nimble fingers of an experienced pickpocket, pulled out the diamond!
When Swags realised what had happened, he raised his arm as if to hit her and she grabbed his wrist. ‘If you think I came to this meeting armed with nothing more than a hat pin, you’ve seriously underestimated me!’ she hissed.
Eddie decided that it was time to report what he’d found to the captain. Leaving Powder Monkey to keep an eye on Swags and Bustle, Eddie found the captain in his cabin. Despite the hour, he was still seated at his chart-covered table and still fully dressed in his splendid uniform. What was slightly less impressive was that he was asleep, his head resting, face down, in a plate of cold shepherd’s pie. (And, no, like the badger back on page 281, I’m afraid I can’t tell you what the poor shepherd died of.)
When Eddie woke Skrimshank and told him about the two villains and the Dog’s Bone Diamond, the captain was out of his chair and out of the cabin before Eddie had time to think.
‘Shouldn’t we get reinforcements?’ he asked the captain, trying to keep up.
‘I can handle this pair!’ he reassured Eddie with confidence.
The confidence was, of course, completely unfounded. By the time Eddie and Captain Skrimshank reached Lady Constance and Swags, the scheming twosome – ooo, isn’t that a nice phrase? – had already discovered Po
wder Monkey lurking near by; without Eddie there to hold him back, the ex-St Horrid’s Home orphan had become overconfident and less cautious. Swags had grabbed the boy so had a ready-made hostage the moment Eddie and the captain arrived on the scene.
‘Put that boy down!’ the captain shouted.
Swags, who was holding Powder Monkey by the scruff of the neck, now lifted the boy over the edge of the ship. ‘Any more shouting and the boy goes in the water,’ he warned.
‘I believe you have in your possession something which belongs to Dr Eli Bowser,’ said Skrimshank (his voice much lower now). ‘Put the boy down and return the jewel and I will go easy on you.’
Lady Constance laughed. ‘I have a better idea,’ she said. And they soon found out what it was. They were to be cast adrift in the tiny rowing boat.
Eddie was the first one forced down the side of the Pompous Pig into the boat. Next went the captain. He didn’t resist (not only because Swags still had Powder Monkey in his vice-like grip but also because he felt it his duty to stay with a fare-paying passenger in distress). Swags came down next, with the struggling galley hand tucked under his arm. Now they were in the boat, Swags tied Eddie’s, Skrimshank’s and, finally, Powder Monkey’s hands behind their backs, cutting the pieces of rope to length with an evil-looking knife – can knives look evil? – that conveniently glinted in the moonlight or glinted in the convenient moonlight. (Moonlight isn’t really moonlight, by the way, it’s simply sunlight reflected off the moon. Think about it. The moon isn’t on fire like the sun, and doesn’t have a great big battery inside it, so where did you think the light was coming from?)
Now where were we? Yup, that’s it: Eddie, Skrimshank and Powder Monkey bound and, whilst I was doing the ‘is-moonlight-moonlight?’ bit, gagged so that they couldn’t cry for help once cast adrift. That done, Swags began to climb back up the side of the Pompous Pig. A surprise greeted him at the top of the ladder. Lady Constance gave him a swift bash over the head with the Dog’s Bone Diamond … and diamond is the hardest substance known to humankind.
The escaped convict fell into the sea with a SPLASH loud enough to attract any sailor on nightwatch, the only trouble being that Powder Monkey was the one on watch and there wasn’t much he could do about it!
Lady Constance leant over the side of the ship and spoke to her captives. ‘I’m so sorry it had to end this way, gentlemen,’ she said and, although her tone did sound ever-so-slightly apologetic, none of them believed, for one moment, that she was sorry.
‘You will be pleased to know, Master Edmund, that I have thought of the ideal place to hide the diamond. It’s a place no one will ever think of looking and, once your dear sweet batty great-aunt is untied, no one will be able to get near. I shall stitch it up in that stuffed ferret of hers!’
‘Oah!’ cried Eddie, which is what it sounds like if you try to say ‘Stoat!’ through a gag when tied up in a rowing boat set adrift in the Atlantic Ocean … or at least it did in Eddie’s case.
As it turned out, Lady Constance’s cruellest act was what saved them all that night. Gagged, Eddie and his companions in the rowing boat couldn’t shout to attract attention or speak to each other. Bound, they couldn’t take out the gags or untie each other, let alone swim. But Swags was neither bound nor gagged.
After what seemed like ages, the tiny rowing boat had drifted almost out of sight of the Pompous Pig and the three had given up trying to make each other understood through their gags. What was worse was that the boat appeared to have sprung a leak. Perhaps it had always been there, but now the bottom of the boat was beginning to fill with sea water, or should that be ocean water? I doubt it makes much difference when you’re drowning.
Then Swags broke through the surface of the water right beside them and hauled himself aboard. Without so much as a word, he untied the captain and then collapsed, exhausted from his swim, in what little space there was. Skrimshank quickly untied Eddie who, in turn, untied Powder Monkey.
Eddie eyed the half-sleeping Swags, a cut from the Dog’s Bone Diamond sending a trickle of blood down his forehead. ‘He probably saved our lives!’ said Eddie.
‘What little good it’ll do him,’ said the captain. ‘He put us in this predicament in the first instance,’ which means ‘he got us into this mess’.
‘It’s probably too late to save us now anyways,’ said a sad and dejected Powder Monkey, who was still feeling guilty for getting himself caught and being the hostage that made the others do as they were told.
But, as we of the all’s-well-that-ends-well persuasion already know, it wasn’t too late. By luck or fate or a fluke of geography, when the four had to abandon the boat – then sinking – and make a swim for it, a tiny island (aka sandy hummock not hammock) haven had come into view within swimming distance … and they all made it there.
Within a matter of hours, Captain Skrimshank’s uniform had dried and, with a little help from Powder Monkey, looked as good as new. Swags had lost his knife in the fall from the Pompous Pig, and his dignity, too. He had saved the others because he’d needed them as much as they’d needed him now that he’d been double-crossed by Lady C. They were all alone, apart from a very friendly family of giant sea turtles who had obviously never met these funny-looking shell-less animals called ‘humans’ that had crawled out of the sea before.
‘And it was the largest turtle that finally brought me all the way back to the Pompous Pig,’ Eddie told Mr Briggs, coming to the end of his tale, just as the first mate spotted the others on the island in the distance, and Tobias Belch steered Belch II in their direction. Once again, Eddie had saved the day!
So that, dear reader, just about wraps up the third and final book in the Eddie Dickens Trilogy. As I did at the end of Awful End and Dreadful Acts, though, I should, of course, tie up a few loose ends before I say ‘goodbye’.
The question most of you will, no doubt, write and ask me about if I don’t answer it here is whether Eddie finally got to America, the Eastern Seaboard and the offices of the Terrible Times? The answer is simple: no. Sad to say, he abandoned all attempts to set foot on American soil this time. He went back to England with his mother, Mad Uncle Jack, Even Madder Aunt Maud, a newly repaired Malcolm, and (the then plain ‘Mr’) Tobias Belch aboard Belch II.
As it turned out, there had indeed been what the editor called ‘a few glitches’ at the Terrible Times offices, the worst of which was the editor’s wife falling into the printing presses. This particular glitch not only caused a loss of three editions whilst the presses were repaired and the pearls from her broken necklace recovered, but it also meant that Mrs Brockenfeld (the editor of the Terrible Times being Mr Brockenfeld) was never quite the same shape again. On meeting her for the first time, people found it hard to tell whether she was greeting them frontways or sideways on. She had a ‘permanent profile’ look about her, something which, in the following century, an artist called Pablo Picasso painted his women to look like and made a small fortune in so doing.
Mr Brockenfeld had been so embarrassed by the whole accident incident that he’d missed sending his regular report to the Dickenses in England because he hadn’t known what to say. Had he known Eddie’s relatives better, he needn’t have worried. If Even Madder Aunt Maud had worked for the newspaper, she’d have probably clambered into the presses deliberately and on numerous occasions!
And what of the not-so-ladylike Lady Constance Bustle and Swags? They were taken to America on board the Pompous Pig but not allowed to set foot ashore. Once the cargo of left shoes was unloaded and the Dog’s Bone Diamond delivered, they were brought back to England and ended up on trial. Swags, whose real name turned out to be Albert Grubb, was eventually sent back to Australia for thirty years’ more hard labour and ended his days breaking rocks. Lady Constance ended up marrying the trial judge who died soon after. Apparently he and Lady Constance had been practising an amateur knife-throwing routine when she’d slipped on a bar of soap and stabbed him through the heart.
The Dog’s Bone Diamond was duly handed over to Dr Eli Bowser ‘the dog-food baron’ who, on learning of a certain Eddie Dickens’s part in saving it from harm, sent the boy an envelope stuffed with one thousand dollar bills, by way of a ‘thank you’. Unfortunately for Eddie, the envelope somehow found its way to Even Madder Aunt Maud instead of him. She tore the money into tiny strips and wallpapered the inside of Marjorie with it. The truth be told, it certainly looked better than the ceiling of Awful End once Mr Dickens had finished painting it.
But, do you know what? Despite this and having some of the most embarrassing relatives in the history of humankind, on returning from his latest adventure, Eddie Dickens had to admit that there was no place like home … even when that home was Awful End.
Goodbye.
THE END
of the Eddie Dickens Trilogy
About the Author
Philip Ardagh, whose very first Grubtown Tale won him the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, is author of numerous books including these award-winning Eddie Dickens adventures, which have been translated into over 30 languages. He wrote BBC Radio’s first truly interactive radio drama, collaborated with Sir Paul McCartney on his first children’s book and is a ‘regularly irregular’ reviewer of children’s books for the Guardian. Married with a son, he lives in Tunbridge Wells, where he cultivates his impressive beard.
By the Same Author
published by Faber & Faber
Fiction
The Further Adventures of Eddie Dickens
Dubious Deeds
Horrendous Habits
Final Curtain
The Eddie Dickens Trilogy Page 25