by S H Cooper
“Mary,” Joseph says, “are you alright? Look at me!”
But I can’t take my eyes off Father. Despite everything going on around me, he’s all I can focus on.
“He’s over here!” Joseph shouts. “Mary, too! I’ve found them!”
There’s a blur of activity. Men rush to shield us from the remaining attackers. Second Captain Loleck barks orders from over their shoulders. The word retreat is floating on the wind, but I don’t know if it’s our men or the others who are fleeing the field. Joseph seems equally uncertain. He’s crouched on the ground beside me, one arm locked firmly about my waist while he peers between the knights that have surrounded us. His brow is pulled into an anxious wrinkle.
I struggle to pull away from him, but he’s holding tight even if his attention is elsewhere.
“We need the doctor.” My voice is trembling and still so unfamiliar to me. “We have to get him home!”
“Hush, lass,” Joseph is uncharacteristically sharp. “Stay low and quiet.”
“But Joseph, Father —”
“I know,” he cuts me off and his expression waivers. For just a moment, he’s so young and afraid, just a boy again. I see the same fear and heart sickness in his eyes that I know are in mine. He recovers quickly with a shake of his head. He’s trying to be strong for me. “We have to wait.”
“We can’t!”
“We must! The fight isn’t over and the doctor isn’t here yet.”
My attempts to argue more are ignored. He’s craning his neck, looking this way and that out over the field, and I almost smack him on the back of his head and ask what’s so important that he’s ignoring our father.
“Drake!”
Relief washes over him as soon as our brother’s name leaves his mouth. He’s waving his free hand, urgently trying to get Drake’s attention, and a new guilty anxiousness fills my chest. I hadn’t even thought of Drake. I hadn’t been worried about him at all! If Father being hurt was hard to believe, thinking that something might have happened to Drake was almost impossible. He was too big, too strong. Nothing could happen to him.
At least, that’s what I’d always assumed.
Joseph had never shared my childish certainty. He’s never known a day without Drake in his life, and the thought of losing him had been at the front of his mind. I see it in the way he shoulders through the men around us, dragging me along behind him. Drake jogs towards us. Dots of red are splashed across his face and front and I try not to look at the stained, used sword still clenched in his fist.
My brothers stop just short of one another and don’t say a word as they give each other quick once overs. Drake’s jaw is set and tight as he offers his arm, which Joseph clasps.
“You alright?” Drake asks. He’s solemn and serious, unusual for him. His usual swagger is replaced by stiff tension.
I don’t like it.
“Aye,” Joseph replies.
They don’t say anything else, but hold on to each other for another moment. Their fingers are white from how tight their grips are. For being so different, they’ve never needed to say much to understand each other. Drake is the first to let go and he tosses his sword to the ground. He glances at me, but I can’t read his expression. I don’t know if he’s angry or upset and I shrink just a bit behind Joseph.
“Father?” Drake asks me.
I can only nod over my shoulder.
As he moves past us, I get my first look at Whicker Field since the attack began. The fighting is all but over and the grass is slick and wet. Men are scattered about the ground, some of them ours, some the enemy. Arrows stick out from many of the fallen. The pained groans and cries that I’d managed to block out before suddenly come from every direction. The worst are the ones that aren’t moving or making any noise at all.
I hug Joseph’s arm and half bury my face against it. He gives me a gentle tug and keeps me close as we turn to follow Drake.
“Don’t look anymore, Mary,” he whispers.
I wish I could listen. Even shutting my eyes doesn’t help, though. I still hear it, everything that’s still going on. I hadn’t realized how much a battle lingers even after the last blade has been sheathed. Joseph guides me along, doing his best to keep himself between me and the view of the field. Ahead, Second Captain Loleck commands those still able to chase the remaining men down. His sword arm is held defensively against his chest from an injury. Otherwise, I know he would have joined the pursuit.
Instead, he’s standing watch with the others around Father.
They move to make room for us to enter their protective circle. Their expressions are grim, especially Loleck, who has been Father’s close friend for as long as I can remember. He nods to us once and then looks away.
Drake is kneeling beside Father. Again, I don’t know what to make of the look on his face. It’s carefully blank and controlled as he stares down. I think I see tears starting to form in his eyes, but he blinks them back quickly. Joseph and I stand quietly behind him. I look between my brothers, hoping they’ll say or do something to make things better. Hadn’t Father taught them how to tend wounds or something that might be useful?
Drake clenches and unclenches his fists while Joseph’s hands rest on my shoulders and both are quiet for a time. I realize slowly that neither Drake, with all of his confidence and bravado, or Joseph, so learned and quick witted, know what to do. They’re as lost as I am and that scares me more than I can say. I lean into Joseph and the three of us gaze helplessly at Father.
Drake is the first to find his voice.
“Where is Willis?” he demands gruffly as he stands.
“On his way, lad,” Loleck says.
“Bring me Raider. I will ride to meet him and bring him back myself.”
“I sent a page boy for him as soon as the battle started. He’ll be here soon.”
“I will —”
“You will stand down, lad,” Loleck says. It is a command, but one spoken with a gentle edge. “You can’t bring him any faster than he’s already coming.”
“We must do something,” Drake argues.
I nod eagerly in agreement. Drake could get in serious trouble for talking back to a superior officer, but it needs to be done! I know no one will listen to me, I’m just a girl, but maybe they’ll listen to Drake.
Loleck steps towards my brother, who stiffens slightly in response, and leans in to speak in a lowered voice. He doesn’t want me to hear what he’s about to say, but I do anyway.
“We can’t take the arrows out before the doctor arrives. It’s too risky. He has a better chance of surviving if we wait. It will at least buy him enough time to get home to your ma. He’d want that.”
Buy him enough time? The words turn over in my head and my cheeks grow warm and red with anger.
“He’s not going to die,” I snap. Joseph’s grip on me tightens, but it doesn’t stop me. “He just needs the doctor!”
I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I don’t care.
“Mary,” Joseph says softly, but I yank myself away.
“We all know your da is strong, lass.” Loleck tries to sound comforting, but it has the opposite effect.
“He is strong! Stronger than all of you! He’s-he’s not going to die!”
The knot in my throat is getting bigger with each word and I can’t say any more. I scowl up at Loleck, trying to look defiant even as I begin to cry, and Drake motions for Joseph to pull me away again. Loleck holds up a hand to stop him and takes a knee in front of me.
“You hold on to that belief, Mary, tight as you can. Your da needs that from you right now. For him and for your ma. You need to be strong now, too. You’re a McThomas, it’s in your blood, same as your brothers, and there isn’t a tougher lot in all of Moorsden.”
I bite down hard on my quivering lip and he rests his hand on top of my head.
A call is being passed down the line from the other end of the field: the doctor has been spotted. Loleck’s back on his feet and bellowin
g orders again as soon as the news reaches us.
“What do we do?” Joseph, as he always has when he’s in need of direction, turns to Drake.
“Mother needs to know,” Drake says gravely.
He’s trying, just like I was with Loleck, to keep his feelings in check. He’s doing a better job of it, but he keeps rubbing his chin and clenching his jaw. It’s what he does when he’s upset.
He clears his throat brusquely.
“Find Raider. Take Mary, go home.”
“What about you?” Joseph asks.
“I’m going to stay with Father.”
“I want to stay, too!” I cry.
The look Drake gives me makes me feel so small. Something flashes in his dark eyes before he turns back to Father. I think I know what it is now.
“Go,” he says.
And I hear in that one word, spoken with such coldness, confirmation of what I’m afraid of: blame.
Chapter Three
Numbness has settled in the pit of my belly. It’s icy and creeping, edging away everything else. Joseph has my hand and is pulling me along in search of Father’s horse. I let him without complaint. Drake’s dismissal echoes hollowly in my ears, until it’s all I can hear.
He’s right to be angry, a nasty little voice whispers in the back of my mind. This is your fault!
No, I cry back. I tried to warn them!
Father was protecting you. It sounds like Drake now, only more accusatory than I’ve ever heard him. If you hadn’t been here, none of this would have happened! He’d be fine!
I just wanted to help, I think desperately.
But the voice that sounds like Drake scoffs at me. You can’t help anyone. You’re useless and weak!
Fresh tears spill down my cheeks and I hang my head. I had just wanted to watch. I never meant for Father to get hurt. I couldn’t have known it was going to happen!
But it had happened, and because I was there, Father put himself in harm’s way to keep me safe. If I had just stayed home like I was supposed to, things could have been different.
Joseph gives my arm a gentle shake and speaks with half-forced cheer. “Raider made it through, look.”
He points ahead, to where the black stallion grazes at the edge of the field. He is a large beast, all muscle and legs with intelligent eyes, and I am relieved to see he’s ok. I break away from Joseph to hug the horse around his neck. He leans down and nibbles at my braid, gentle despite his size.
“Where were you?” I ask him in a pained whisper. “Why didn’t you carry Father away?”
“He’s a war horse, Mary,” Joseph says from over my shoulder. “And Father is a knight. Neither run from battle. You know that.”
“He should have!” My fingers curl in Raider’s mane. “He should have run from the field and taken Father somewhere safe!”
My brother is quiet as he lifts me into the saddle. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on horseback. Father had always been sitting behind me, his arms on either side to keep me from falling. Now it’s Joseph, and he feels far less confident than Father ever did. Raider notices too and stamps his front hoof disapprovingly against the ground. I cling to the pommel with both hands and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Raider, to home,” Joseph says with a snap of the reigns.
Raider tosses his head and takes off at a brisk trot.
I fight the urge to get one more glimpse of Father. I can’t bring myself to look back at the field and all the men still on it. I’m afraid if I do, all I’ll see is Drake’s dark face watching us go. I wonder if it makes me a coward. I’m sure my brother would say yes.
Joseph doesn’t say anything the entire ride. Neither do I. I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t know that I want to. Drake has always been gruffer with me. He likes to tease me and pull my hair. We argue a lot and Mother is forever having to scold one or both of us for picking on the other. Joseph, though, has always been my friend. He makes up stories for me and lets me tag along while he does chores. I even almost told him I wanted to be a knight once. I got too nervous and stopped myself at the last moment, but he was the only person I’d even thought about sharing my secret with.
The thought of him blaming me, too, is another aching weight in my chest.
What will Mother think? I wonder dully. Will she be angry with me, too?
I am glad for the distraction that surrounds us before I can get any more caught up in my thoughts. Joseph steers Raider carefully through a stream of people rushing down the road. They’re going in the opposite direction of us, toward the field. I know many of them by sight: the families of my father’s men. Word of what happened has traveled ahead of us.
They’re all talking loudly and pushing to get around one another. It’s a mess of confusion and shouting and more than one person pulls at me and Joseph. Raider remains steady, but he snorts his displeasure.
“McThomas, lad! Did you see Declan? Was he alright?” one woman begs.
“Do you know what’s become of my boy?” an older man shouts.
“What happened? Are we under attack?” Someone grabs at my hem and I squeal, kicking at their hand in surprise. They curse after us, but are quickly lost in the crowd.
Joseph keeps pushing our horse along with brief, apologetic answers. He doesn’t know any more than they do. As soon as we find a break large enough for Raider to push through, Joseph digs his heels into his sides and we take off, cutting across the same field I’d run through earlier. It already feels like such a long time ago.
My heart begins to hammer when the fence marking the edge of our family land comes into view. I try to imagine what Mother might say, what the look on her face will be, but all I can see is her warm smile and the way her eyes light up when she sees Father and the lads returning home after a long day away.
Up ahead, a lone figure stands at the gate. My mother, Katherine, standing with rigid straightness, her hands clasped in front of her. She is not smiling now. Her face is pale, but poised, and her eyes dry. She waits until we are almost right in front of her before stepping forward and helping me down. She doesn’t ask any questions like the people on the road did. She just pulls me under one arm and Joseph under the other and holds us tightly. I throw my arms around her waist and sob into her shoulder.
When I look up at her, wanting to say so much, she is staring off into the distance, down to the road again. She is quiet and controlled even as she hugs us so close.
She is a knight’s wife waiting for her husband.
“Mother, I —” I start to say, but she shakes her head.
“Later, Mary,” she says. “Go inside. Rest.”
“I’m sorry, Mother!” I can’t stop myself from blurting. “I know I shouldn’t have been there, but I didn’t mean for this to happen!”
The words come out in a weepy jumble and I cling to her skirts, silently begging her not to hate me. Her hands are gentle on my face as she tilts my head up and makes me meet her eyes.
“Don’t apologize,” she says fiercely. “I won’t hear it. You listen to me, Mary McThomas, this is not your doing. Only a fool would think otherwise and I don’t have fools under my roof. Now go, wash your face. Your father will be home soon and he wouldn’t want you to be sobbing so.”
“But Father,” my voice waivers, but I remind myself of what Loleck said. I’m a McThomas, too, and I have to be strong. I swallow hard and try to start again. “Father, he was…”
She smooths my hair back from my face and shakes her head. It’s a small, single movement, but it’s enough to silence me. I stare into her face, still pale and placid, but there’s something in her brown eyes. A spark of quiet certainty.
She knows, I realize.
Maybe not exactly what’s happened, but she knows something is very wrong. I don’t know how. I doubt anyone could have reached her before we did.
“Go in,” she says again. The smile she gives us is a sad one.
I want to stay with her, to be near her and wait for Fathe
r and Drake with her, but I know deep down this is something Mother wants to do alone. It’s always been her duty and pride to look after her husband and children and now, the same as she always has, she means to do it. She presses a kiss to my forehead and then to Joseph’s and lets us go.
I am grateful for Joseph as he, once again, leads me away by the hand. He has Raider’s reigns in his other, and the horse plods along behind us. Mother remains at the gate. She doesn’t watch us go, even when I look over my shoulder at her. She stands straight and still again, her focus on the road. A lone horn blows from down the way and I see her fingers, once more entwined in front of her, tighten around each other.
Father is coming home.
Joseph and I both pause. My heart has become a lump in my throat. My brother lets go of my hand and nods to the front door of our house, which is only a few steps in front of us.
“Go ahead, then. I need to put Raider up in the barn.”
I let my skirt sweep across the path, gathering dust and dirt, as I hurry to the door.
“Mary,” Joseph calls as I open it.
I half turn, one foot already inside.
“You’re going to have to tell me what you were doing there today,” he says. “Why you were at the field. Mother, Second Captain Loleck, Drake - we’ll all want to know.”
I know he’s right, but I don’t want to tell him, much less anyone else. None of them will understand. It seems like such a small concern now. Some far off fantasy that doesn’t mean anything anymore. I mumble an answer that could be acceptance and slip the rest of the way inside. The door latches shut behind me.
I linger in the front window. Joseph remains in place for a moment before clicking his tongue and turning Raider toward the barn. The horn blows again, closer this time, and at the end of the road, a group of people have come into view. They’re slowly making their way towards Mother. Loleck is at the head: I recognize him by his slight limping gait. Behind him, Drake and three others carry a litter between them. I can’t see him, but I know Father is lying on it. Dr. Willis, a portly, short man, is scurrying to keep up.