Chapter Fifteen
Kiki made her way from her latest appointment at the Relate offices through the pedestrian precinct towards the railway station. The sessions had been far more productive than she had expected and Victoria, her counsellor, listened without passing judgement, a refreshing change for Kiki. Once she’d grasped the novel concept that her feelings were neither right nor wrong, they simply were, it had given her the confidence and freedom to explore them. They’d also talked a lot about control. Not just Kiki’s desire to better control her emotions, but also about taking more control and responsibility for her life. Naturally passive and placating, it had dawned on her during the previous week how much of a passenger she’d been in her life. Reacting and responding to the behaviour of others had become her default setting. Leaving Neil had been an active choice. She needed to make more such choices if she was to have any hope of living a satisfying life.
The first few sessions had focused on her relationship with Neil and, while Kiki hadn’t quite come to terms with her own failure to address their problems sooner, it was growing easier to meet her reflection in the mirror. Victoria had suggested opening a neutral line of communication with him; and Kiki had reluctantly agreed. They would have to talk at some point, about the children if nothing else, so she began sending him weekly updates about what Charlie and Matty had been up to, including a couple of photographs. She made no mention of herself, nor their slightly unorthodox living arrangements—nothing that could provoke a retaliation. He’d not responded to either of her two messages, but, as Victoria had pointed out, that wasn’t her problem. Demonstrating to the court a willingness to be reasonable and open with him would do her no harm when it came to settling custody arrangements either.
Today, they’d focused on the complicated tangle of guilt and obligation surrounding Kiki and her mother. It had been a hard hour, with lots of tears on her part. She wasn’t doing so well at keeping the promise to herself that she would cry less, but it felt cathartic rather than simply an expression of her disappointment and frustration. Kiki hadn’t gone to the hospital after Vivian’s accident, and although Mia had told her about the care home she’d helped their father find, she hadn’t spoken to him about it herself. Hadn’t spoken to him at all since she’d left home a month ago, in fact.
The smell of coffee and sugar wafted on the air as someone exited the Starbucks to her left and Kiki diverted into the shop. Distracted, she found herself persuaded by the smiling young barista into trying something new, and she was soon back on the pavement clutching an enormous iced white-chocolate mocha topped with a huge swirl of cream. Taking a tentative sip, her eyes might have rolled back in her head a little as the caffeine, chocolate and sugar combination hit her empty stomach in a thrilling rush. She’d be high as a kite if she drank the whole thing.
The chilled plastic cup numbed her fingers as she sipped and strolled, letting her eyes roam over the array of shop windows. Nothing caught her attention enough to stop and she soon reached the end of the street and turned towards the road leading to the station. Her train wasn’t due for another hour so there was no need to hurry. She considered popping into the museum and art gallery, but it was too nice a day to be cooped up inside. A few hundred feet further on, a gap in the buildings appeared. Following the path, Kiki found herself at the wrought-iron gates of Northerhay Gardens.
Wide paths, planted borders and trees beckoned to her, and she slipped through the gate, heading towards the impressive monument in front of her. The park was quiet. An older couple walked arm in arm some way ahead of her, but, other than them and a pair of chattering young women with pushchairs, the place seemed deserted. She found a spot on a wooden bench and fished her phone out of her bag. Turning it over in her palms a few times, she tried to work out exactly what she wanted to say. Where could she start? Keep it simple, that’s what Victoria said when she got in muddle.
Active choices. She repeated the little mantra in her head a couple of times then swiped through the menu and pressed call.
‘Hello, Dad.’ Simple enough.
‘Dikê? Is that you? Are you all right, dear?’ She settled back on the bench, caught off-guard by the endearment. George Thorpe had never been one for sentimentality.
‘I’m okay. I’m sorry I haven’t called earlier but things are a bit complicated.’ Deep breath, no tears. ‘I’ve left Neil.’
A moment of silence greeted her pronouncement, just long enough for her brain to race in a million different directions. Neil had been something of a protégé of her father’s and he hated any kind of disruption to his work. Getting stuck in the middle of his daughter’s messy divorce would be George’s idea of hell on earth.
‘I…’ He cleared his throat. ‘I heard. Neil sent me an email warning me you were behaving foolishly. His words, not mine, you understand. I didn’t want you to think I was interfering, so I called Eunomia and she explained things. Once she assured me you were managing things, I didn’t want to bother you. I knew you’d talk to me when you were ready.’
She was gobsmacked. Mia hadn’t said a word to her about it. Even more astounding was the vein of understanding running through her father’s words. ‘You’re not disappointed?’ she half whispered.
George sighed. ‘Only in myself for letting you down for so long. I’ve been a poor excuse for a father to you girls for too long. Sticking my head in my books and ignoring everything else. Not facing up to the difficulties you all were having meant I didn’t have to face up to my own. My counsellor helped me recognise that, although I sometimes rather wish he hadn’t. Facing one’s failings is a painful experience.’
Really, in the almost twenty-seven years of her existence, she’d never had such a revealing conversation with her father. ‘Funny you should mention counselling, Dad. I’ve just come out of a session.’
‘Good, that’s good. I always thought it was a load of claptrap, but things rather came to a head after your mother’s accident…’
Who was this man and what had they done with George Thorpe? Kiki knew communication between him and Mia had improved lately, but this volte-face from taciturn, almost monosyllabic, exchanges to a genuine attempt to open up stunned her. If his voice sounded stiff and a little awkward, she could let that go. ‘And how is Mum?’
‘Not good. Not good at all. They’ve asked me to stop visiting for a couple of weeks because she gets too agitated.’ He paused, and when he spoke again his words were muffled so she had to strain to hear them. ‘She pulled her hair, Dikê, and scratched her face.’
‘Oh, Dad.’ The familiar roil of guilt churned her stomach, but she took a deep breath and swallowed back the words of apology that flew to her lips. It had been nearly ten years since Kiki had stopped giving in to her mother’s pleas for assistance after a terrible row with her youngest sister, Nee. She’d promised her sister she would stop and she had. A decade or more for Vivian to seek help, for George to take control and force her into a treatment programme, but neither had acted.
It was too late now. Her parents would have to bear the burden of their responsibilities, not her. Not any longer. Maybe she should hold him closer to account, but she was too damn tired, and if he was willing to try and be a better father, she could meet him halfway. ‘Are you taking care of yourself at least, Dad?’
‘You have enough on your plate without worrying about me, dear.’
He had a point, but that was a prevarication, not an answer. ‘Dad…’
‘Yes. I have someone who comes in to keep the house tidy, not that there’s much for her to do. She stocks the fridge and freezer, so I’m eating well at least. I never realised until recently how big the place is. It seems a waste of space for just me.’
If he was facing up to everything, how much worse would it be to come home to an empty house full of ghosts and memories? At least Kiki had the luxury of knowing Aaron and the children were waiting for her in a place she’d only been happy in. She would have to go back home a
t some point to sort through the rest of her things, but it was at the very bottom of her priorities list. ‘Maybe you should think about downsizing? Find a flat closer to the university.’
‘I wanted to keep the house so you girls would have room to stay, but that’s never going to happen, is it? Even at your worst moment, you didn’t turn to me for help and who can blame you?’
It was true. It had never entered her head for one moment to consider taking refuge under his roof. ‘You had enough on your plate…’
Her father chuckled, a sad little sound. ‘Ah, Dikê, even after everything you’re still my tender-hearted girl. Don’t try and make me feel better about myself, dear. There’s really no need. I have no rights or expectations when it comes to any of you. I gave those up years ago through my own selfishness.’
She thought about her own progress with Victoria. ‘Dad, it’s good to hear you understand where things have gone wrong, but none of us would gain any pleasure from you putting yourself through the mill over what can’t be changed. We are where we are. I’m trying to look forwards, and you should do the same.’
‘That’s kind of you to say and more than I probably deserve. Will… will you keep in touch, let me know how you are and if there’s anything I can do for you, Matthew and Charlotte?’ She had to smile. He was such a stickler for given names, probably always would be.
‘I will, I promise. To both things.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘If you spoke to Mia recently, did she tell you her news?’
‘About the wedding? Yes. I was very pleased to hear about it. Daniel sounds like a fine young man, and it was kind of her to invite me to the ceremony. Things are always busy here in September with the start of the new term…’
Mia and Daniel had settled on 10th September for their wedding date. They’d had only one prior booking and the retired couple involved had been more than happy to change their plans once they heard the reason for the request. She dismissed the little twinge of disappointment at his implied non-attendance. Perhaps it was a bit much to expect George to give up his obsession with his job along with everything else. He was trying to make an effort, which was more than she’d ever expected from him.
She forced herself to speak brightly. ‘Well, it would have been nice to see you, but I understand how things are with all the new students.’ Neil hated the start of term, said he felt more like a nanny than a tutor as the fresh intake of students tried to find their feet away from home for the first time.
‘I don’t normally teach on a Friday. I haven’t seen the schedule for the new term, but it’s a long-standing agreement I have.’
There was something hesitant in his phrasing. And she wondered if there was something else making him reluctant. ‘Dad, do you want to come?’
‘I wouldn’t want anything to spoil your sister’s day and, with the way things have been, I thought perhaps it would be best if I stayed away.’
‘What if I said I wanted you to come? That it would be really nice for the children to spend a little bit of time with their grandad?’
George went so quiet, she wondered if they’d lost their connection. She pulled the phone away to check, but she had a full set of bars. Catching sight of the time, she rose from the bench, stretching the stiffness from her back caused by sitting still too long. She put the phone back to her ear and could hear him breathing. ‘Dad?’
‘I missed Charlotte’s birthday,’ he said wistfully.
Kiki’s heart gave a funny flutter. ‘There were a dozen little girls full of sugar, dressed as Disney princesses. You were lucky to miss it.’
‘I suppose you’re right. And Matthew will be seven soon?’
August 20th would be upon them before she knew it. Where had the time gone? ‘In less than three weeks, yes.’ Which meant her own birthday was next week. It had completely slipped her mind. ‘He’s obsessed with all things to do with the constellations and planets. Aaron is getting him a basic telescope.’
‘Who’s Aaron?’
She bit her lip as she followed the path back out of the park and towards the main road. How to explain Aaron? Since Madeline had put the idea in her head, Kiki hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. She’d mentioned Madeline’s outrageous comments to him a couple of weeks back, and he’d agreed it was a ridiculous notion. And, of course, it was. But sometimes, in the evening, during those sweet moments between dinner and bedtime when the four of them were playing a game or watching a DVD, she’d catch his eyes upon her and swear there was something there.
It had been so long since a man had treated her with kindness and consideration, she was hopeless in the face of such decency. To say nothing of his smile and the sheer comforting size of him. What would he do if she slid over one evening and tucked herself under his arm? Would he push her away, or pull her close against his broad chest? Things fluttered—around her heart and in other, lower, places. She couldn’t possibly entertain those kinds of thoughts when her father was on the other end of the phone. Or at any other time!
‘He’s just a friend. Daniel and he have known each other for years, and he’s relocated down here recently. We’re staying with him until everything with Neil gets settled.’
‘I see.’
What? What did he see? ‘As I said, he’s a friend. I’d rather you didn’t mention anything about him to Neil, though. I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression about things.’ Or the right impression, if Kiki was completely honest with herself.
‘The only things I might say to Neil about you are not fit for your ears, my dear. You’ve made your choice and I am on your side, for whatever that may be worth.’
A lump formed in her throat, and she had to blink to clear her eyes as she wound her way through the other pedestrians on Queen Street. ‘It’s worth a great deal, Dad. Look, I’ll have to go in a minute as I need to catch my train.’
She stopped on the steps leading into the station. ‘It’s been great to talk to you. Please think about coming to the wedding.’
‘All right, dear, I will. If you could text me your address, I’ll look for something for Matthew’s birthday. Constellations, you said? I know of a book which tells the Greek myths behind the names of some of the major ones. What do you think about that?’
‘It sounds perfect. Maybe you could read him a story from it when you come and see us?’ It would take more than a bedtime story or two to build a relationship between her father and the children, but it would be a start. She would watch him carefully for any signs of the cold, distant George she had grown up with and warn him off. Even if it was just the occasional weekend and birthday visit, it would be more than they’d had with him so far. Kiki had refused to allow Vivian near the children and her dad hadn’t shown much interest in them anyway. Kind of like their own father.
‘I… I’d like that very much indeed,’ George said in a voice full of emotion. He coughed, then continued. ‘Well, I’d best let you go, Dikê. Goodbye, dear.’
‘Bye, Daddy.’ She tucked away her phone, then retrieved her ticket from her purse. It was time to head back home and relieve Aaron of his babysitting duties. Clutching the tendrils of confidence she’d gained from the talk with her father, Kiki lifted her head and let her shoulders straighten.
An attractive man passing in the opposite direction caught her eye and smiled. Feeling the corners of her mouth twitch in response, Kiki darted her eyes away and kept on walking. She added the thrilling little glow to her collection of positive feelings, weaving them together into a gossamer net of hope. Perhaps there was another conversation she could tackle in the near future.
Active choices.
***
Their arms rested together, the crisp hairs on Aaron’s forearm tickling her every time he shifted against her in the darkened room, sending a little shiver of awareness down her spine. His skin was so warm it chased away the goose bumps on her naked flesh. Kiki swallowed a sigh. It wasn’t exactly what she’d had in mind. When Aaron
had acted upon her subtle hint about going out sometime, she’d been over the moon. The bouquet of pink roses he presented her with had matched the blush heating her cheeks when he suggested a date for her birthday.
He leaned in closer, breath tickling her ear as he whispered, ‘Are you having a good time?’
She nodded and his lips brushed the delicate shell of her outer ear. It should have been perfect, a moment of quiet intimacy. The start of something beautiful…
‘Mummy, I need a wee-wee.’ Charlie wasn’t quite as good at whispering as Aaron and a few soft chuckles rose from the seats around them.
‘All right, darling.’ Kiki lifted the bucket of popcorn from her lap and handed it to Aaron as she stood in a half-crouch and hurried Charlie to the end of the row. A stream of surfer-dude turtles flowed across the big screen and Charlie paused halfway down the steps to clap her hands and giggle. ‘Keep moving, poppet,’ Kiki urged.
When Aaron had suggested a trip to the cinema, she’d imagined an evening showing, after a nice quiet dinner perhaps. She might have even pictured getting up the courage to reach for his hand as Tarzan swept Jane into a hot kiss, or hiding her face in his shoulder as Jason Bourne dodged another group of determined assassins. The Aaron in her mind’s eye had curled his arm around her, tucked her into his side and pressed the first of many kisses to her cheek.
Reality found them with two little chaperones at a matinee performance of Finding Dory. The children were already hyped on popcorn and pick ‘n’ mix, with a promise of McDonald’s to follow the film. There would be no sneaking a kiss with Aaron on the landing as they said goodnight. She’d be lucky to end the day without holding one or other of the kids over the toilet as the junk food and excitement took their toll.
Happy bloody birthday, Kiki.
Perhaps she should have been clearer, but her gossamer courage had almost failed her when she’d leant oh-so-casually against the frame of his study doorway. It had been all she could do to stutter the words, hoping her face wasn’t as red as it felt and that he wouldn’t flat out laugh at the idea of it.
Wedding Bells at Butterfly Cove Page 14