And I don’t know what to do next.
I hug my knees to my chest, bury my head in my arms and cry.
Then I hear a siren. I look up. A police car with flashing lights skids to a halt across the road from the bus stop. Two officers dressed in blue jump out and run over to me.
The male officer speaks into a gadget on his wrist.
The female officer comes right into the bus stop and sits down next to me. ‘Paige?’ she says.
I blink and my eyes flicker from the police officers in front of me to my photograph in the newspaper on the seat.
‘Paige Winfrey?’ the female officer asks again.
‘Take me home,’ I whisper. ‘Please.’
31
When the police car pulls up outside my house, I just sit there and stare at my front porch. A dozen or so cards, some bunches of wilted flowers and a couple of teddy bears lie on the concrete.
‘Ready?’ says the female police officer. Her name is Heather. She has explained to me that the man in the petrol station recognised me and rang the police hotline. Heather and her partner were patrolling nearby so they were the first to find me. She has already phoned Mum.
She opens the car door for me and helps me to stand on my wobbly legs.
The front door to my house opens, and Mum, Dad and Felicity burst out onto the front porch and run towards the police car.
I choke back a sob, run forward and collapse into the waiting arms of my family.
When the tears have dried up, the words begin to flow.
‘When you weren’t in your bed on Friday night I thought you’d been abducted.’
‘I was out with Chloe at the vet’s when you called round. If only you’d waited five minutes, I’d have been home.’
‘I shouldn’t have left you alone on Friday night.’
‘We thought you must have tried to hitchhike to Bloodstone Beach to see Shelly.’
‘My crystal ball showed you behind bars in a dark little cell.’
‘I’m sorry I caused all this trouble,’ I sob. ‘I missed you all so much!’
‘It’s all right, sweetheart,’ Mum says.
Our front door opens again. A woman in a suit steps out of the house behind my family. ‘Hello, Paige. I’m Rhonda from the Missing Person’s Unit,’ she says. ‘Everyone’s been very worried about you. Welcome home.’ She shakes hands with Heather, walks over to what I had thought was Reuben’s car, and drives off.
My family ushers me inside.
‘Where were you?’ Felicity asks when we get into the kitchen. She and Mum and Dad look at me with puffy red eyes, ringed by dark circles.
‘I was lost,’ I say.
‘Lost?’ Felicity says.
Dad shushes her and pulls me to his chest. ‘And we were lost without you.’
I have a long soak in the bath, scrubbing between my toes to get out the mud from Mrs Johannssen’s cubbyhouse and the germs from the toilet block in the park.
Then we have lunch. It is the first meal we have had as a family since December. I can tell this fact is not lost on the rest of my family.
We eat and discuss the weather. Mum, Dad and Felicity smile all the way through lunch, but their smiles seem a bit too wide to be real. I am too exhausted and ashamed of myself to smile at all. I realise everyone is trying to make everything seem as normal as possible. But I know that things have changed, and that we’ll probably hardly ever sit around and eat a meal together like this again.
And that’s a change that I’m just going to have to deal with. One day.
Later, Mum takes me outside to look at the front porch. Cards, flowers, photos and teddy bears sit in vigil. They are from my new friends and my old friends. And there are a couple from kids I went to school with last year. Kids I didn’t even think were my friends. I pick up each card and read it, before putting it carefully in a pile. But then the shame hits me. And the embarrassment. I don’t think I can face going to school on Monday.
My bottom lip starts to tremble. Mum is still with me. She grabs both my hands in hers and draws me to her chest. And then she is shuddering, too. I begin to sob as I realise the horror I’ve put her through. The horror I’ve put everyone through.
‘I’m so sorry, Mum,’I say. ‘I’m sorry for being silly. I … I just thought no one cared about me.’
‘Oh, Paige.’ Mum unties the bloodstone pendant from around her neck and hands it to me. ‘Did you forget what it says on your necklace?’
I turn the pendant over and read the fine engraving. True friends are as rare as bloodstone. I look up at Mum, confused.
‘Bloodstone is found everywhere,’ she explains. ‘Just like friends.’ She points at the pile of cards. I nod and smile. I put the pendant back on, but this time I wear it the other way around, with the engraving at the front.
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t straight with you about Reuben,’ Mum says.
I look up at Mum in surprise.
‘Felicity told me you were upset.’
I shrug.
‘He’s been worried about you, too. He asked me to let you know that he understands how special your relationship is with your dad. He said to tell you that, even if he is going to be around a bit more, he never wants to take that away from you or try to replace him.’
I nod.
Mum goes inside and I sit on the edge of the porch, re-reading the cards. They remind me how lucky I am to have people who care about me. But, more importantly, they remind me of how stupid I’ve been.
I hear the front gate squeak open and look up.
Jed is walking up the front path. ‘Hi, Paige,’he says.
I hop up and try to hug him.
He pushes me away. ‘You idiot!’
‘I know.’
‘Everyone’s been worried sick about you. They thought you were gone for good. Elfi, Rochelle, Sidney and Miff have all been at the police station, trying their best to help the police find out where you were.’
‘Really?’ Now I am embarrassed.
‘Of course. Did you think you could just disappear and no one would care?’
I shrug.
‘Really?’ Jed stares at me. It’s as though he is seeing me—the new me, the old me, I don’t know which—for the first time.
‘Well, that’s just stupid,’ he says. ‘Look at this stuff.’
‘I notice there isn’t anything here from you,’ I say shyly. ‘Not that I deserve it, of course.’
Jed looks past me and shoves his hands into his pockets. ‘Hello, Nicole,’ he calls out to Mum, who is waving from the lounge-room window.
I stare at Jed. He continues to avoid my eyes.
‘You never call my mum that,’ I say.
‘Yeah, well, maybe I was round here a lot this weekend, while you were gone!’ he says.
I watch as he hunches up his shoulders and digs his fists further into his pockets.
‘What’s in your pocket, Jed?’
‘Nothing,’ he says, looking up at the clouds.
‘You’re lying.’
Jed bends over and starts sniffing a plastic rose.
‘You did write me a card!’
Jed stands up again. ‘Maybe.’
‘Let me see it,’ I demand.
Jed’s face turns as red as the rose. ‘I wrote it when I thought I’d never see you again.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Jed sighs and pulls out a crumpled teddy-bear card from his pocket. He gives it to me then leans down and pretends to smell some of the other flowers.
Dear Paige, the card reads, You can’t be gone. Because I always thought I’d have my first kiss with you. Come home safely. Love, Jed.
I fold the card carefully and put it in my pocket.
Jed looks up from the flowers and glances shyly at me. ‘Are we cool, Paige?’
I nod, even though a strange new sensation is coursing through my body, like I’m at the top of a roller-coaster and about to hurtle down the other side. ‘We’re cool.’
‘But are we cool?’ a familiar voice booms behind me.
‘Yes, are we?’ another familiar voice echoes.
I turn around slowly. My face and heart and stomach go through a heap of changes, as if I am riding that roller-coaster. But then I see Rochelle and Elfi grinning sheepishly at me from the front gate, and I know I have been forgiven. I run over and hug them both.
‘Four reasons you should never run away,’ Rochelle says, pushing me back.
‘Because your friends will go mad with worry,’ Elfi says.
‘Because your friends will go mad with worry,’ Jed echoes.
‘Because your friends will go mad with worry,’ Rochelle says, gently twisting my ear.
‘Hey, you can’t all say the same thing,’ I protest. ‘It’s against the rules.’
‘The rules have changed, Paige,’ Jed says.
For a moment my heart sinks. Of course they won’t want me back in their group after what I did.
‘Because now you need six reasons,’ someone says from the footpath outside my house.
I turn to see Miff and Sidney walking through my front gate. ‘Can we play this game, too?’ Sidney asks.
‘Sure,’ I say.
‘Okay then,’ Miff says. ‘My turn. You should never run away because it’s murder on your hair and your complexion.’ She tugs at my limp, messy locks. We all laugh.
Everyone is now looking at Sidney. ‘You should never run away because, even though your life may not be as great and glamorous as other people think, it’s still better than being on your own.’ Sidney looks at me and bites her lip, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s not talking about me.
‘I’m so sorry, guys,’ I say.
‘No, no, no,’ Elfi says. ‘We’re the ones who should be sorry.’
‘No, I’m the one who should be sorry,’ Sidney says, looking at me.
‘Why should the Starshine Girl be sorry?’ Miff asks.
‘She’s probably not,’ Sidney answers. ‘She’s probably off sailing in her imaginary yacht and spending all her imaginary money. But I am sorry, Paige.’
I look at the girl with the perfect teeth, the perfect hair, the perfect skin and the perfect life and suddenly I see someone else. Someone I recognise. She winks at me. And with make-up-free eyelashes, I wink back.
‘Well, I’ve got nothing to be sorry about,’ Miff says, crossing her arms. She tries to look haughty, but she can’t stop a smile from twitching her glossy lips.
‘Why don’t you all stop being sorry and start being friends?’ Jed suggests.
‘We are,’ Sidney says, grinning and nodding at Rochelle and Elfi.
I raise my eyebrows.
Miff huffs. ‘I dare you to spend six hours in a police interview room with anyone and not get to know them a bit better. They’re not as bad as I thought.’
‘So the lions are now friends with the warthogs?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know about friends,’ Miff says, ‘but we won’t eat them.’
Rochelle snorts.
Miff shrugs.
I laugh.
‘Why didn’t you tell us your dad had left?’ Elfi says, putting her arm around me.
‘I … I don’t know. It was the holidays and then … you all seemed so busy … and then we weren’t talking any more …’I sigh. ‘There’re a lot of things I should have told you.’
Mum comes outside then and sends everyone home. ‘You can have her all day at school tomorrow,’ she says. ‘It’s our turn now.’
Everyone hugs me again. ‘See you tomorrow in class,’ Sidney says.
‘And at recess in the cockroach hole,’ Rochelle and Elfi say together, laughing.
‘And at lunchtime under our tree,’ adds Miff.
‘I’ll walk you to school,’ Jed says.
‘Oo-ooh!’ coo the others.
Jed blushes.
‘Thanks,’ I say, nudging his shoulder with mine. ‘I think I’ll need the support.’
‘I’m just making sure you don’t run off again,’ Jed says, grinning.
Mum leads me into the house where Dad and Felicity are taking some freshly cooked muffins out of the oven. ‘Your sister’s just given me my first cooking lesson,’ Dad says, biting into a hot muffin.
Mum laughs. ‘You can’t live on muffins.’ She reaches above the stove and takes down a couple of cookbooks. ‘You can have these, Ian. All the recipes only use four ingredients.’
‘I thought you were saving those books for Felicity and me,’ I say. ‘For when we move out of home.’
‘I was,’ Mum says. ‘But I don’t think you girls will be needing them for a while yet.’
‘Definitely not,’ I say. ‘I’m staying right here!’
Everyone laughs.
32
In the evening, I take the cards from the front porch into my bedroom. I know the perfect place for them. A place where my friends were meant to write how they felt about me. I reach into my wardrobe and find my Passport. I sit back on my bed and run my fingers over the gilded lettering on the cardboard cover.
‘Is that your Passport?’ Felicity says. ‘Can I see?’ She has been following me around all afternoon, barely letting me out of her sight.
‘Sorry, Fliss,’ I say, slipping the cards inside and hugging it to my chest. ‘It’s private.’
I arrange the two new bears on my bed with all the old bears. Bears from when I was born. Bears from when I came home from hospital. Bears from when I was sick. Bears from when I broke my arm. Bears from when our cat, Zoe, died. Bears from all the saddest and lowest moments in my life. The new ones huddle and cuddle with the old ones, finding their place on the bedspread. I look at them for a long while and then I go and get a large cardboard box.
I don’t want to be reminded of the bad times in my life any more. I don’t want to be reminded that I was a premmie baby, or that I broke my arm, or that I didn’t make the gymnastics squad. Even the bear my friends gave me for Christmas reminds me of my empty Passport. And that’s not who I am. I’m not the girl who ran away. I’m the girl who came back. I’m the girl who wants to look forward to the good times. I’m the girl who wants to discover who she is now.
I hug each bear and then stack it in the box. I seal it up. For Charity, I write on the top and I take it out to the garage.
On my way back from the garage, I pause in the back garden, thinking how strange it was to be staring over here from Mrs Johannssen’s cubbyhouse and feeling a million miles away from home. I sit on the grass, my legs hugged to my chest, and close my eyes. I sniff the evening breeze. It smells of rain.
‘Paige?’
My eyes flutter open. Janie Harrison, from my class at primary school, is standing beside me. She has got taller over the summer. ‘Janie?’I say.
‘Yeah, it’s me.’
I stand up. ‘Oh … hi. How was your holiday in Denmark?’
‘It was great,’ she says. Then she begins to open a satchel she has with her.
‘Nice bag,’ I say. ‘Did you get that in Denmark?’
‘Yes,’ Janie says. ‘But this is why I came over.’ She pulls out a large blue book with a crest and gold writing on the cover. ‘It’s sat unopened on my desk at home since the last day of school. I was in such a rush to get to the airport, I didn’t look at it.’
My stomach flips. Even though I put all my cards inside mine, I still don’t like being reminded of the Passports. ‘Well, that must have been a nice thing to come home to,’ I say. ‘Did I forget to write in it?’
‘This isn’t my Passport, Paige. It’s yours.’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘Mine is in my wardrobe. And this one has got your name on it.’
‘But it’s got your comments inside,’ Janie says. ‘The comments meant for you. Remember how we had to leave our books open at the blank-page section on our desks for everyone to write in? My open book must have somehow been placed on top of your open book that morning. Everyone would have just flipped over the cover and seen
your name on the outside, but my book was on the inside. And that’s where they wrote all these comments meant for you.’
I stop. The world stops.
I breathe. The world breathes.
Janie hands me the Passport. Even in the growing darkness, I can see that the pages are cluttered with comments and scrawls from my classmates.
‘There are some nice comments in there,’ Janie says.
I put the Passport under my arm.
‘Aren’t you going to read them?’ Janie asks.
‘Maybe later.’ I look up at her with tears in my eyes. ‘But … but what about the comments that were meant to be for you, Janie? Do you have any?’
‘No, but I’ll just ask my mates to write them in a notebook now,’ Janie says. ‘It’s okay. I saw what had happened. Things just got mixed up.’ She shrugs. ‘It happens all the time. That’s life.’
I think about the last few months and how crazy and mixed up things got. How crazy and mixed up I made them. I got half the facts and created a new world. And that world spun out of control.
My Passport.
Felicity’s party.
Dad and Chloe.
And the big mess with my school friends—new and old. The lions and the warthogs. Is that really how life is meant to be? I don’t think so.
I look at Janie and smile.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘My life.’
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