“I think you’ll be a great pagan preacher some day,” I tell him.
He tilts his head back and laughs a belly laugh so contagious that it gets me started too. We laugh and laugh, wiping tears off our cheeks.
JON IS GONE. Taviana is gone. Craig is now gone too. The fall days grow colder, and I visit the beach less and less often. I help out around the Nielsson house as much as I can, but I have very little energy, and as my belly grows, I feel more and more awkward.
Winter settles in and I find myself spending more time alone in my room, reading and rereading the books Craig left me. Mother is allowed to attend church services again, so the highlight of my week is when I can visit with her during the social hour. Rebecca has attached herself to Pam and won’t have anything to do with me. Pam is now expecting her first child too. I notice that Martin still spends a lot of time at Nanette’s juice table. She doesn’t talk to me, but she smiles sweetly at him.
By January I have trouble dragging myself out of bed in the morning. I feel so heavy, and there isn’t anything to get up for. Nothing matters. Nobody notices me. I was better off at home, where I had chores to do to pass the time. Occasionally Martin comes by my room to check in, but he doesn’t stay long. I have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, and I sleep for many hours every day. The winter drags on. I constantly think about Jon and how I missed my opportunity to join him. Now I am expecting a child that will be his half-sister or half-brother. I wonder, too, about Taviana and Craig. I hope Taviana has managed to behave herself. And Craig. How I miss our conversations.
The baby does somersaults inside me. It has hiccups. It elbows me. I remember how Mother said I was like a miracle to her when I was born. She called me precious. Nobody else was allowed to care for me.
I feel a strong kick. Unlike Mother, I feel no connection to my baby. I’d be happy to give it away.
ON THE FIRST day of spring, she is born.
Norah cuts the umbilical cord, hands her to me and the world turns upside down. Suddenly everything matters again. Gazing down at her wrinkled little face, I know that there is nothing more important in this world than the tiny child in my arms. Something has burst into bloom inside me, and I feel an enormous rush of love. Her eyes blink open and she gazes back at me, and in that instant I want her to have everything I never had. I want her to have an education and a career and to fall in love and choose her own husband if she wants to. I want her to be independent and to travel. I want her to be free to think for herself.
I may not have been strong enough to leave Unity for myself, but in this moment I know that I will find the strength to do it for her.
MY DAYS ARE now filled with taking care of my daughter. Before she was born, I worried that I would be a terrible mother, a mother who had no patience and who gagged at the smell of dirty diapers. I worried for nothing. What I couldn’t do for other people’s babies, I can easily do for my own. I love bathing her and feeding her, and I spend hours just watching her sleep. I also spend hours dreaming about our escape.
When the weather begins to grow warmer, I put her in a baby sling and walk to the river. Most of our rock balances did not survive the winter weather, but the inuksuk did. I like to stand under the trees with the tall one Craig built on his last day and remember the little ceremony he created. It always makes me smile.
Then one day I arrive at the beach and see Craig balancing rocks. I’m so happy I just about burst. Now my dreams of escape can become a reality.
“Craig!” I holler across the rocky beach.
He looks up, drops the rock he was balancing and jogs across the beach. “Celeste! It is so good to see you!” He reaches for both of my hands.
We smile at each other. Peacefulness washes through me.
“And who is this?” he asks, looking down at the baby swaddled on my chest.
“This,” I tell him, “is Hope.”
EPILOGUE
I stand on the beach in Springdale and watch Hope, who’s wearing denim shorts and a bright red T-shirt, place a round stone onto the top of our inuksuk. It’s the head. She turns and smiles up at me. “Beautiful,” I tell her.
Hope turned five a few months ago and will be starting kindergarten in the fall.
I, too, will be going to school in the fall, continuing my studies through correspondence. Abigail finally bought a computer, and I want to complete my high school diploma by the time Hope starts grade one. I’ll be sharing the computer with Taviana, who is doing university courses. She’s studying to become a librarian. My plan is to graduate from university before Hope enters high school. It’s a struggle balancing work, caring for Hope and studying, but with a little help from my friends, I know I can do it.
I see a woman in a long dress coming toward us on the beach. It has to be someone from Unity. A little knot of worry forms in my stomach. Even though Martin reluctantly allowed me to keep Hope after I left Unity, I still worry that someone will come and take her away from me.
I study the woman as she approaches and see that she’s young and she’s carrying a baby on her hip.
“Hello, Celeste,” she says.
I am so shocked when I recognize her that I’m literally speechless.
“Taviana told me I’d find you here.” She looks down at Hope, who is stepping closer to me. “I’m your Aunt Nanette,” she tells her. “And this is your half-sister, Clare.”
“Her half-sister?” I say, finally finding my voice. “You married Martin?”
“I did.” She grins proudly. “Turns out God hadn’t turned His back on me after all.”
I pull Nanette into my arms and squeeze her and her daughter to me. “I’ve missed you!” I tell her when I let them go.
“I missed you too, and,” she says, looking sheepish, “I know now that I was foolish to be so angry. For a long time I’ve wanted to apologize.”
I look into the face of her baby and I’m startled. “Clare looks exactly like Hope did at that age.”
She studies Hope. “I guess she would. Same father, their mothers are sisters...”
“How did you get permission to come here?” I ask her.
“Martin’s doing the shopping today,” she says. “He knew how badly I wanted to see you, so he let me come with him. I found Taviana at the library, and she told me where you’d likely be.”
“He wasn’t afraid I’d tempt you to leave him?”
“No.” She laughs. “He knows how much I love him. I would never leave!” She lowers her voice. “And he wanted me to say hello and find out how Hope is.”
I nod. I’m grateful to Martin for letting us go as easily as he did. “Tell him Hope is great, and hello from me.”
“I will.”
“Why isn’t Daddy shopping?” I ask, suddenly worried.
“He suffered a stroke a while ago.”
“Oh no!”
“He’s going to be okay. But he’s taking it easy.”
“How’s Mother?”
“She’s fine. Liam was her last baby, so she’s had time to get her strength back. They’re all in school now, so Mother isn’t quite as busy as she used to be.”
“And Rebecca?” The familiar ache returns as it always does when I think about my family.
“I think Rebecca takes after you. She asks too many questions for her own good.” She smiles. “What about you? Did you get back together with Jon?”
I shake my head. “No.” I remember the awkwardness between us when I first arrived at Abigail’s with Hope. “We live in the same house, but I think it was too weird for him with Hope being his half-sister and me having been married to his father. We’re good friends. More like brother and sister, and he’s a really good big brother to Hope.”
She nods, though I can see that she doesn’t understand at all.
I consider telling her about Craig and how our relationship has blossomed over the years, but then I decide not to bother. “Can I ask you a question, Nanette?”
She tilts her head, waiting.
/> “Are you happy?”
“I am very happy.”
She looks surprised that I asked, and I can see from the glow in her eyes that she really is happy.
“What about you?” she asks.
I think about it. It is hard being a single and very young mom. Taviana, Hunter, Abigail and the other guys all help out when they can, but the weight of the responsibility is mine. So no, I’m not always happy. Sometimes I’m stressed and worried, and I miss Craig terribly when he is away. I inhale. But do I regret my decision to leave Unity? I look down at Hope, who is back to balancing rocks on the beach. No. Not at all. I’m finally free to think for myself.
“I’m good,” I tell her. “Very good.”
AFTERWORD
Although Unity is a fictional community, there are people in numerous towns throughout North America who have beliefs similar to the ones described in this story. Polygamy has been illegal in Canada and the United States since 1890, but the fine line between the law and the right to religious freedom has allowed polygamy to flourish.
SHELLEY HRDLITSCHKA is the best-selling author of Dancing Naked and, most recently, Gotcha! Shelley lives in North Vancouver, British Columbia.
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