by J. E. Parker
I clamped down the urge to gag as my body shook from the combination of anger and grief. Feeling like I was seconds away from completely losing my shit, I forced myself to continue speaking. Besides, I had one last parting shot for Pop. “If we’re done here, I’d like to put my shit down and call the church. It seems I’ve got an AA meeting to attend.”
For the first time since my arrival, his voice was tinged with anger. “What?” He yelled, slamming one hand down on the desk just like I’d done earlier.
Staring at the blank wall in front of me, I shrugged one last time. “Aren’t you proud, Pop?” I couldn’t resist the urge to be a little prick. “Not only did your only son grow up to be the piece of shit loser you always insisted he would, but he also became a raging alcoholic.”
Shaking my head in disgust, I walked down the hall. “Just like his father.”
Hendrix
I was standing in the bunk room—alone—when I heard Pop’s voice down the hall. “Anybody seen my kid?” Why couldn’t he just leave me the hell alone? Damn!
“Saw him in the bunk room about an hour ago. Ain’t seen him since,” one of the guys replied.
“Thanks, Roger.”
Footsteps headed in my direction. “Hey, kid,” Pop said, stepping through the door. His voice was no longer angry, and his demeanor had shifted too. His shoulders were hunched, and his gaze was locked on the floor. Messed up as it sounds, he reminded me of a dog that had been beaten one too many times. “What are you hiding in here for?”
“Wasn’t aware that I was hiding.” My tone was dry, emotionless.
Still, he continued. “You had anything to eat yet? I was thinking about going to grab a burger and—”
I cut him off. “Not hungry, Captain.” I continued to stare out the window in front of me. It was dark out so I couldn’t see shit but it didn’t matter. The only thing that out there was an oversized parking lot anyway.
He chuckled from behind me. “Wish you wouldn’t call me that.”
I shrugged. “And I wish you hadn’t wrecked my life.”
“Kid,” he said with a sigh as he moved to stand beside me. “You’re never going to forgive me for anything, are you?”
My answer was simple yet truthful. “No.”
He turned and leaned against the wall so that he was facing me. “Can’t say I blame you.” My eyes flicked to his. “If someone had cost me everything I’ve cost you, I'd never forgive them either.”
Silence descended as we stared at each other.
Minutes ticked by.
“What do you want from me?”
Pop shrugged. “Your time. Haven’t seen much of you over the last few years. It’s nice having you around, even if you do hate me.” He sounded almost desperate.
Too bad I didn’t give a shit.
What was the hell with him anyway? “Thought you hated me. What happened to that?”
He didn’t pull his eyes from mine as he said, “I never hated you.”
“Bull-fucking-shit,” I spit. “Then what were all those beatings for?” Almost a decade had passed since he’d hit me and yet I could still feel every bruise, every cut. “Pretty sure you don’t do that kind of shit to someone unless you feel a whole of a lot of hate towards them!” I was yelling so loud my ears were ringing.
Pop pushed away from the wall. “Kid, I was a drunk,” I shook my head, and pulled my eyes from his, disengaging myself from the tense stare down we had going on. Still, he continued, “it’s not an excuse. I know that, Hendrix.” Did he know? The idea was laughable. “Please, son, listen to me!” Listen to him? I was seconds away from beating him to within an inch of his life, and he wanted me to fucking listen to him? He had to be shitting me!
Pop’s voice grew louder, and his words moved faster as he continued to plead his case. “I wasn’t thinking straight when I did the shit I did! I was angry at so much stuff, and I didn’t know how to handle any of it. So, I did what my father had always done—I drank. And when I drank I got even angrier.” That’s the excuse he was going with? My Daddy did it, so I did it too? He was such a spineless bastard. He had an excuse for everything. “By the time I made it home from the bar, I needed to hurt someone, make someone feel the way I felt on the inside.” He hung his head in shame. “And you were the only target I had.” He lifted his head, bringing his gaze to meet mine again. His worlds settled over me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t know how to respond. What kind of man beats his child to get out his aggression? I’d never understand any of it! “Told you I deserved to be shot for the stuff I've done.”
I deserve to be shot for the stuff I’ve done… Yeah, and just what else had he done?
Opening my mouth, I spit out the question that I’d been dying to ask since I was a kid. “That why mom left? Did you fucking beat her too?” If he did, I swore on everything holy I was going to kill him. My mother may have been a worthless piece of shit for running away and leaving me behind, but she was still a woman.
Pop’s face turned stone cold. “Hell no!” He shook his head back and forth wildly. “I ain’t never hit a woman! I may be a piece of shit, but I didn’t go that far!”
I tossed my head back and laughed before meeting his eyes again. “Nah, you just like to beat on kids. Right, Pop?” I looked away from him and mumbled under my breath. “Sorry son of a bitch.”
He closed his eyes and ground his teeth together. “Hendrix—”
I cut him off. “Don’t you Hendrix me, Pop. Hate to break it to you, but being a drunk isn’t an excuse.” I paused. “You don’t see me going around beating on people weaker than me.” He opened his mouth to reply, but I kept talking as I stared his sorry ass down. “I’m not a father,” my chest burned as the words fell from my mouth, “even though I should be by now,” Pop’s face paled, “but no matter how fucked up my life got, you can bet I’d never take that shit out on my kid.”
Pop swallowed and took a deep breath before replying. “What do you mean, you should’ve been a dad by now?”
He didn’t deserve an answer, but I was going to give him one anyway. As fucked up as it sounds, I hoped what I was about to say cut him deep. “Maddie wanted a big family. There’s no doubt in my mind that we’d have started working towards that dream the minute she finished her degree.”
Pop ran his hands down his face in what I'm guessing was either regret or frustration. “Jesus fucking Christ.” He spun around and leaned his head against the wall.
“Doesn’t matter now, though, does it?” I shoved my hands into my pockets. “Maddie’s gone, and I don’t know where she is. Won’t find out either. Not until I can get sober.”
Pop turned back around and held up his hands. “Wait a minute,” he said, sounding out of breath. “Back up.” He took two steps, closing the distance between us. “You don’t know where she is?”
I shook my head. “Come on, Pop. I know we were never close,” I continued to stand completely still, my hands fisted at my sides, “but do you think that if I knew where Maddie was, I'd be standing here? Hell no.” I paused and took a breath. “I haven’t known where my girl was for the past six years.”
Pop’s face dropped before confusion spread across his features. “What?” He hissed. “How have you not known?”
“It’s simple.” I chewed on my inside cheek. The slight pain helped keep my temper in check. “After I knew Petrov wasn’t a threat anymore, I went after her.” My chest tightened at the memory. “Drove all the way to Vanderbilt in that piece of shit Chevy I used to have.” Pop chuckled, but I wasn’t amused. “I’m surprised the damn thing didn’t break down on the way there. It was almost midnight when I got to her dorm. After beating on the door for what felt like forever, some little black haired chick answered. Hope, I think her name was? Anyway, she told me Maddie was gone. When I asked her what she meant by ‘gone’ she said she’d withdrawn from classes a few days before and moved out. I pressed her for as much information as I could, but she swore she didn’t know why she left or where sh
e went. I knew better though. Bitch couldn’t lie for shit.”
“Shit, Hendrix.” Pop ran his hands through his hair as he started to pace.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
“After that, I did the only thing I could do. I drove back to Kissler and stopped by Station 41.” Pop sucked in a breath. I’m sure he could already imagine how well that meeting went. “The minute Keith saw me, he tackled me to the ground and punched me.”
“He what?” Pop roared, his fists now shaking at his sides. “I’ll kill that worthless son of a b—”
I shook my head and shrugged. “Look at it from his point of view, Pop. You may know the truth about why I broke up with Maddie, but he didn’t. The only thing he knew was that I broke his little girl’s heart.”
Pop froze and clenched his jaw tight. “That doesn't make it okay!”
“Yeah, it does.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Cause if something like that happened to my daughter, I'd have done the same thing.”
Pop’s eyes flashed in understanding. “I probably would’ve too.”
I didn’t doubt that. He may have been a worthless father to me, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he would’ve been the same with a daughter. I doubted it. I didn’t think Pop would ever hurt a woman, much less a little girl. Wouldn’t surprise me if the asshole wished I’d been born a chick.
“Some of the guys jumped in and pulled Keith off of me. Knowing I wouldn't get anywhere with him, I left and drove to see Grandmama. Her and Maddie were so close, and I knew she’d know where I could find her.”
“Well, did she?”
I smiled. “Don’t know. I didn’t get the chance to ask her. Soon as she opened the front door, she pressed the end of a shotgun into my chest and told me that if she ever saw me on her front porch again she’d pump me full of buckshot.”
Grandmama’s voice rang out in my head. It was as clear today as it was back then. “You broke my babies heart you little son of a bitch! I should blow yours to pieces in return!”
“Jesus, Hendrix!”
My gaze met Pops. “Are you surprised?”
Eyes wide, he shook his head. “No, not really. Grandmama always was a crazy old bitch.”
“Yeah, well, I had no idea where Maddie went. I tried to find her, swear to Christ I did, but I didn’t know where to look. They didn’t have family anywhere else, and I was her only friend.” I turned my back to Pop and stared at the row of lockers that lined the wall opposite me. “I asked around, even searched online, but I could never get a lead on her.” My guts churned at the memories. “Those first few months were the hardest. When I wasn’t at the academy, I was parked in front of her house, watching and waiting. I thought—I hoped—she’d eventually turn up. But she never did.” A humorless chuckle escaped my lips. “Hell, I even went through Keith and Grandmama’s mail to see if I could find any clues.” I rubbed my hand across the center of my chest. “Never found anything.”
“Son—”
I held my hand up. “Don’t,” I barked. “Just don’t.” Turning back around to face him, I looked him straight in the eye. “Want to know what the last thing I ever said to Maddie was?”
He shook his head. “Son, you don’t need to tell me—”
“Yes, I do.” He needed to hear it, needed to know what he’d done. “Last thing I ever told Maddie was…” I took a deep breath as tears stung my eyes. No matter how much time past, remembering that moment never got any goddamn easier. “…that I didn’t love her anymore.” Pop didn’t reply. Probably a good thing though because there was nothing he could’ve said to make it better. “You have any idea how that feels? Knowing that with just a couple of words, I’d destroyed her?” Silence ensued, and the moments passed. “I never got to tell her it was a lie! Never got to tell her that I’d only done it to protect her, to fucking save her!”
“Hendrix, I don’t know what to say.”
I shrugged and curled my upper lip in disgust. “There’s nothing you can say. What’s done is done. Only thing I can do is hope and pray that when I do find her in a few weeks that she’ll listen.”
“You’re still looking for her?”
Was he stupid? “I never stopped.”
“Can’t say as I blame you. But what do you mean in a few weeks? Did you get a lead?”
“Yeah, sort of. I saw Grandmama today.”
Pop froze. “She try to shoot you?”
“No, but she offered to tell me where Maddie is.”
Pop stood straight. “Well, where is–.”
I lifted my hand in a halting gesture. “I said she offered. Not that she had.” Idiot! “She said she’d tell me in thirty days if I met certain conditions.” Before he had a chance to ask what conditions, I continued. “I’ve got to get sober and go to AA meetings. If I do both things, then she’ll tell me where my girl is.”
“That’s why you’re trying to get clean? For Maddie?”
“Yeah, Pop, for Maddie.”
Everything had always been for Maddie. Prom. Graduation. The Fire Academy.
Fiery determination spread across Pop’s face. “Guess we better make sure you get to those meetings and stay sober then.”
My head jerked back. “What?” My voice was full of disbelief.
He crossed the room, closing the gap between us. “I ain’t never done a damn thing right by you, Hendrix. But I’m sure as hell going to do this. A blind man could see how much you and Maddie loved each other, and seeing as I’m the reason everything fell apart to begin with, you can bet I’m going to be the one to help put it back together.” My head spun at his words. “Now,” he paused before continuing, “there’s a meeting tomorrow night down at First Baptist in Kissler. It starts at seven, so I’ll pick you up at six-thirty.” Pop turned around and walked off. Despite his retreat, I heard him mutter, “I finally found it.”
Confused, I lowered my brows and called out his name. “Pop!”
He stopped and looked over his shoulder at me. “Yeah, son?”
“What did you finally find?”
He smiled and with a gruff voice said, “Redemption, Hendrix. I just found the key to my redemption.”
Maddie
It was a little after eight p.m. when I walked into the shelter’s kitchen.
Sitting at the small dinette set centered in the middle of the room was Granny Ethel, Liam, Declan, and Clara. They each had a glass of milk and were nibbling on cookies.
Stopping next to the table, I placed my hands on my hips and stomped my foot in mock anger. “What is this? No one told me that it was time for cookies and milk!” Liam and Declan both giggled as I looked at the empty plate in the center of the table. “Gah! And you didn’t even save me one!” I pointed at both boys. “I thought you two were my friends!”
“We didn’t eat ‘em all!” Declan yelled.
I narrowed my eyes and jutted my chin out. “Then who did?”
Liam spoke next. “Evan.”
Of course, the cookie thieving bastard did!
“And you didn’t stop him?”
Liam shrugged. “E-van said we weren’t d-upposed to tell.”
Clara and Ethel both laughed. “And you listened? That’s mutiny!”
“Oh, hush it, Madelyn girl. If you want cookies that bad, I’ll make you a fresh batch tomorrow.”
I scoffed. “Tomorrow? That’s an entire twenty-four hours from now.”
She took another bite of her cookie. “You’ll live.”
Waving my hand at her in a dismissive gesture, I turned to Clara. “How are you doing, beautiful lady?”
She smiled. And it wasn’t just a polite smile either. It was real. Genuine. “Good.” She blinked. “Really good.”
I touched the back of her hand with my fingers. “I’m glad. You deserve it.”
“Miss Madelyn, are you donna play deckers with us before bedtime?”
I ran my fingers through Declan’s hair, messing it up. “Course I’m going to play
checkers with you. You owe me a rematch, remember?”
Declan nodded once.
Gesturing towards the bulging trash bags, I said, “I’m going to take those out real quick, and then I’ll be back.” I pointed at Declan. “And you better be ready for a checkers butt kicking cause you’re going down, little dude.”
He smiled and kicked his legs that were hanging over the sides of the chair. “You gonna go down!”
“Alright. Give me five minutes, and I’ll be back.”
I walked over to get the bags. Carrying two in one hand and one in the other, I headed for the door. “Want me to call Evan to walk you out?”
“Nope, I got it.”
Liam stood up, his little brows furrowed. “It’s dark out.” He looked towards the kitchen window. “Der might be monsters out der. They could hurt you.”
I smiled. “Don’t you worry, cutie-pa-tootie. I’m armed with monster repellant, and I know how to use it.”
He visibly relaxed before sitting back down. “O-tay. Just hurry.”
I nodded once before pushing open the door and stepping outside.
The air was sticky and humid from the rain that had fallen earlier. It felt gross. Blah! “Damn it feels nasty out here,” I muttered to myself before hoofing it down the long ramp that lead to the back dumpster.
Turning the corner of the building, I looked up at the camera perched on the corner of the roof. I knew Evan was watching me—and mentally threatening me with bodily harm—so I stuck out my tongue and blew a raspberry at him.
After setting down the trash bags, I raised my hands above my head and danced around in a circle. I couldn’t help but goad him. “Look at me, big guy. I’m out here all by myself. What is ya gonna do?” Done dancing, I lifted my hand and stuck up my middle finger. Mature, I know. “The birdie says ‘hi,’ big guy!”
Dropping my hand, I picked the bags back up and walked across the gravel parking lot, chuckling the entire way. Making it to the dumpster, I hefted the bags—one at a time—over the top.
After tossing in the last bag, I dusted my hands off on my pants and turned around to head back inside. I’d only made it a couple of steps when I heard the gravel crunch behind me.