Everything I Want

by Natalie Barnes

  “Don’t.” He whispers in my ear. Clawing at his arms to free me, he takes his other hand and collects both of my wrists. Holding them together out in front of me.

  “Just fucking listen to me please!” He says to me a little louder. Jared and Matt now stopped. Watching us. Matt starts to come in.

  “Let me fucking go, Tristan! I don’t want to hear anything you have to fucking say!” I yell at him. Now Roger, Cory and all of Undead stop, looking back now.

  “Hey, man. Let her go,” Matt says to him as he walks up trying to grab my arm to pull me away. I hate this. I hate that I hate him, I hate that everyone is watching this and I also hate how good this feels being close to him again. Feeling myself fit perfectly in his arms.

  “Fuck off. This is between her and me,” Tristan growls at Matt and with that Matt comes in firmly grabbing my arm to pull me away. I feel like a doll that’s being played tug-of-war with by two kids.

  Tristan easily pulls me back though, with Matt releasing my arm.

  Tristan spins me around so I’m facing him. I can hear voices in the background but I can’t make them out. I’m locked in Tristan’s gaze. His face looks pained. “Please listen, Sophia, I fucked up. I was high and drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. Please . . . I never meant to hurt you. I would kill anyone who would try to hurt you. Please.”

  “Hey, man. You better back the fuck off!” Roger comes stomping in and Caleb and Gunner go to his sides.

  “Just leave it, bro!” Gunner yells at him.

  Tristan shaking his head, I can feel his hold on me getting tighter. It’s actually start to hurt my skin. Fucking tears start to burn the back of my eyes again when I see Tristan’s lost look of denial.

  “Let me go!” I yell back to him. When opening my mouth I feel the tears loosen from my eyes and spill down my cheeks.

  “No!” He roars. Caleb and Gunner start pushing him back by his shoulders as Matt and Roger release me from his grip. Tristan starts swinging his weight around getting Caleb and Gunner off of him. I’m trembling right now. Literally shaking. Cory comes in and wraps his arms around my shoulder and quickly turns me around to get me out of there. Jared is walking close with me on my other side. I hear shuffling and yelling behind me.

  “Sophia!” I hear Tristan yell and I turn to look over my shoulder. I see Gunner and Caleb holding him back and Roger getting into his face. “Don’t ever fucking touch her again! You hear me. She’s not yours!” Roger definitely has balls. He’s the biggest guy in our band and the second biggest of the tour. But still looks smaller than Tristan. But Roger doesn’t care. He’s right in his face and I see Tristan’s neck tendons flexing as his mouth is set in a hard line. Staring darkly at me. Suddenly I feel the cool breeze hitting my hot skin. We’re outside and the buses are parked fifty feet away. “It’s all right, Sophia,” Cory whispers in my ear. Trying to calm my body from shaking. Jared runs up ahead to open the door and Cory leads me inside the bus. Once I’m inside I see the heavy metal door from the building bust open. Tristan comes out with his shirt ripped a little bit and rest of the guys coming after him. Roger runs out in front of him, pushing on his chest to keep him away from the bus. They’re all yelling at each other or at least at him. Tristan says nothing but stops in front of the window. Looking up at me. Staring down at him, I feel so completely bad. This is all my fault. I should’ve pushed him off me back in Detroit. I should’ve kicked him off the bus when we were heading out west. I know my feelings were going to get hurt, but at the time being with him was more important. I didn’t care. Now the guys are fighting, tabloid shit is out and my heart is heavy with pain.

  Tristan raises both his hands up like “come on.” Then he takes steps back staring at me still. He’s not fighting any of the guys anymore trying to get to me. But instead he slowly turns around and starts walking over to his bus, with his guys breaking apart to give him space. I didn’t notice when Roger and Matt stepped on the bus. “Fucking eh!” Roger comes stomping in.

  “You all right, Sophia?” Still looking out the window with my hands pressed on it, I nod, but I can’t speak right now.

  Jared comes up to me and rubs my shoulder. “Shit, Sophia . . . I don’t know what to say.” Turning my head over to Jared I stare at him. His face shows concern, and in a low voice I say, “Nothing. There’s nothing to say.” I start walking back to my little cove. This night is done with now. I’m humiliated and I just want to crash. After I washed my makeup off and slipped on shorts and my very large Pantera shirt, I was ready for bed. Crawling up into bed I grab my ear buds and place them in. I need to go numb for a while right now and listen to music. I might as well feel sorry for myself too, because I chose Slipknot Snuff to listen to. When the music starts to fill my ears I close my eyes, roll on my side and squeeze my pillow. Corey Taylor’s voice runs through me and sets me off gently crying into my pillow. Before the song was over I fell into another dark, dreamless sleep.

  Chapter Thirty

  Waking up, we’re somewhere in Northern California. I try to comb my fingers through my hair and they instantly get tangled up. With all that product Frankie had put in it and me not taming it last night before going to bed makes my hair the worst nest right now that I ever had. Shit!

  My eyes feel swollen from the crying that I did once again last night, and my mouth is dry.

  I pull the earbuds out of my earlobes. I must have slept with them in last night. Now my ears hurt a little. Looking down I notice my phone must’ve died. I reach over and grab my charger that’s plugged into the outlet and connect my phone into it. A few moments later it turns back on. Sliding my finger across it a message alert pops up. My eyes grow wider when I notice a long text from Tristan.

  I can’t even begin to tell you how fucking sorry I am. For everything. Sophia these past weeks with you were some of the most frustrating and happiest times of my life. No one has ever set fire on me the way you have. I miss you. I miss the way your skin tastes and how soft you are. I miss your laugh and how you mumble in your sleep. I miss your blue eyes piercing into mine when I’m taking you. The way you feel when I’m inside you. I know you probably won’t ever forgive me. But I have to let you know that I’m so sorry. She meant nothing to me and I wasn’t in my right mind that night. I was angry at you for throwing us away before giving us a chance. I was pissed at myself for falling so quickly. And I hate myself for hurting you. I will leave you alone now. But just remember, Sophia: you will always be mine. Even when you’re not with me. You’ll be what I will always have on my mind.

  210 Oh my god! My heart constricts in my chest again. Dropping my phone on the bed I try to shake off Tristan’s last text. What do I do? Do I text back or leave it alone now? I do miss him, but I don’t want him thinking he can just fuck around and I will be one of those weak bitches I used to pity for going back. No! This is the best thing. The tour is winding down now. Only seven more shows then we go back to LA and his band will go overseas. Maybe in time I might be able to have a polite conversation with him, but it will never go back to where we were going. I know it was my fault that day. Wanting to be “just friends.” But I was just scared. I was going to tell him forget everything I said earlier and let’s try but I guess I was too late. He probably would’ve just did the same exact shit to me even if we were together. So I guess this is a blessing in disguise.

  After I was done showering and brushing my hair for like an hour, I was ready to join the guys.

  They acted like nothing happened last night and I’m truly grateful.

  “So after LA’s show we’re going to fly out to Denver. So that means that we’ll have a night in LA,” Cory says smiling. It’s like he has some plan going on. “Sophia, you never went out with us when we were there for that month. We should go out after the show so you can check some shit out.” He invites me. I don’t really feel like partying, but I guess I should at least go with my boys.

  “Sure. Why not?”

  “Sweet,” Cory says.

 
; Jared walks over with a pop tart in his hand, nibbling around the edges. After taking a couple bites he speaks up. “Lux called while you were passed out. He just wanted to let us know that everything will be ready in LA. All we have to do is pretty much get on stage. Our show tonight is late. Like nine or something is when we start.”

  “Really?” Wow that is a little later than we were playing before. But I didn’t care, all I wanted to know was where we’re at exactly?

  “Hey, where we at?” I ask looking around at all the guys. Matt walks over and sets his coffee down and says, “I don’t know. Probably like eight hours away still. The bus only stopped once last night to refuel. I’m guessing we’re going to stop again soon though. Which is good. I want some jerky.”

  “Oh.” Standing up I start going back into my room. I turn around and look at all of them. “Let me know when we stop.”

  “You heading back to bed?” Cory asks me and I stop. Feeling bad that I was trying to go and hide. Turning back around I walk over to the table and take a sit. “Nah. Who’s got a joint? I bet I will kick some ass in Euchre.”

  “You’re so fucking on!” Roger comes over with a deck he pulled out.

  “How about we make a wager on that then?” I quirk my eyebrow up at him.

  “All right, but you have Jared on your team. Cory, wanna be on mine?”

  “No. I wanna be on Sophia’s.”

  Jared strides over to Roger, next to the window.

  “Looks like it’s us, buddy.” Jared smiles at Roger.

  Roger smiling back he replies, “Oh, Christ.”

  This is exactly what I need right now. My friends, a little weed, and a good ole game from back home. Roger starts dealing out the cards in front of all of us, but I still can’t shake Tristan’s sad eyes out of my head. Shit! I have to get over him. And soon.

  Frankie has me dressed more casually tonight. Black low riding leather pants with a tight white belly shirt. My make-up and hair the usual way except for last night. Walking up to the stage, I don’t see any of the Undead Society guys. I think Lux has them waiting in the back or something? Maybe he heard what happened last night? The crowd is huge and I methodically go through my routine. It’s so hard to get into it with having Tristan on my mind. This is the first show that he hasn’t watched me do. Maybe I should go and talk to him later? Just to clear the air a bit. I hate how this tension is. It’s so thick that you need a chainsaw to cut through it.

  When we’re done, we leave the stage. Cory was on top of his game tonight. Showing off more than he has in a while. He loves LA. And the look on his face is like a kid on Christmas morning. Tristan is not waiting either, instead it’s just Lux.

  “I have a limo out back for you guys. But remember we leave on the flight early tomorrow morning, so no getting in trouble.” He winks at us then we walk off.

  Biting my lip, I’m about to text Tristan. When suddenly I run into a hard force, almost sending me back. Long strong arms reach out and pull me back in. I look up to see Tristan. With his eyes studying me.

  “S— Sorry,” I say so low that you can barely hear it.

  He doesn’t say anything but gently moves me to the side and continues to make his way on stage.

  Wow! What the hell just happened? I kind of wanted him to say something. Anything, for that matter. I guess last night got through his head about leaving me alone. I slide my phone back in my pocket and follow the rest of the guys out the door.

  Looking back to see if Tristan is watching me. He wasn’t.

  Later that night the guys ended up dragging me to some stupid strip club. We’re all wasted now and Roger looks happier than a pig in mud. Cory keeps going off and I’m scared to think of what he’s doing. At the last bar I tried asking him where he was going, but he shrugged it off, not answering me. Jared is getting a lap dance from some woman they call “Jasmine.” Funny, she even looks like the chick from the Disney cartoon. Leaning over to Matt, I yell in his ear because it’s too damn loud in here. I go, “I’m heading. I’ll send the limo back for you guys though.” He smiles at me. “Why? You don’t like it here.” Flipping him off he starts laughing.

  As I’m walking out of the bar I notice down the dark hallway to my right, by the restrooms, Cory standing there. I stop and call out for him. “Hey! Hey Cory!” He doesn’t turn to me, so I start walking over to him. What the fuck is he doing? As I approach him. I startle him and he jumps back. Looking down at his arm, I notice blood pouring out of his vein. Yanking his wrist, I scream at him. “What the fuck are you doing!” He laughs coldly at me and shrugs. “It’s cool, It’s cool.”

  “Really?! Now you’re doing fucking heroin. Out in the open no less.”

  Cory smiles at me and his eyes look lost. “Sorry, Sophia. I guess I just had too much to drink. I never did this before. But don’t worry . . . brand new needle though.”

  “Cory, you’re so dumb! Fuck! Once you start dancing with this shit, it’s going to be really fucking hard to get off. Do you even realize that?” I feel like I’m talking to myself because Cory is just standing there smiling at me but his eyes are like one of a shark’s. Dark and empty. I feel myself starting to get emotional and one tear falls down my cheek. What is happening to my friend?

  “Shhh . . . It’s okay, Sophia, I promise. I got this under control. Hey, I didn’t do coke tonight.” He sounds like he’s proud of himself. But I know that’s a lie too. Why else was he running off all night. Just using the bathroom? Right!

  “Please come back to the room with me?” Cory leans in and gives me a tight hug and says in my ear. “I’ll be back soon. Just going to hang with the guys for a little bit. I promise you, Sophia, that tomorrow you can have me on the tightest leash you want. I’m just happy about the show tonight and being here. I promise you I’m done now okay.” He steps back and wipes away the one tear that was resting on my cheek. “I swear, Sophia.”

  “Please don’t do it anymore. Please!”

  “I promise. Now go to bed. I will take you out to breakfast in the morning. My treat.” He shows all his teeth in that one smile he gives me, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Let me see your pockets first?” I demand before walking away. Cory does as I ask and cleans out his pocket. The syringe he just used with the cap back on, a lighter and a some kind of device he used to heat the heroine up with. And a pack of cigarettes. I open the pack to make sure nothing was in it. Only cigarettes were in there. “Where’s your ID?” I don’t know why I asked. But I didn’t want him losing it either. He flips it up, showing me. “Right here. I don’t have any more cash so Roger will just have to buy my drinks now.” Shaking my head no at him I say. “You doing that shit.” I point to his arm, “You don’t need any more to drink all right,” I say as sternly as I can. “And if I find out one more fucking time that you’re doing this, I’m letting Lux know. And your ass will be off to rehab. Got it!” Cory shakes his yes and gives me one last hug. “Got it. See you tomorrow for breakfast.” Cory starts walking down the hall, going back into the bar. I still feel nervous for leaving him, but I’m tired and drunk. So I text Matt. I don’t care if Cory gets mad at me either. I love him too much to look the other way.

  Hey just caught Cory doing heroin . . . He’s going back with you. Please keep a good eye on him tonight?

  I press send and make my way around out back to where the limo was parked. I get a text back from Matt when I’m outside.

  WTF! Yeah he’s here right now. I will and good night. I feel a little relieved that Matt knows too. He’s the second most responsible one of the group. And he doesn’t usually get too drunk either. Roger and Jared are wasted right now so I know they wouldn’t be that good on keeping an eye.

  I’m back at the hotel and I feel my phone go off again. This time Tristan left me a text.

  Just wanted to let you know that you looked beautiful tonight. My insides turn to goo at the text. I would give anything to not care what he did and just to be with him right now. But I just can
’t push things aside that easy.

  I brush my teeth. Barely. And plop down on my bed and pass out. My room phone is ringing off the hook. I slowly blink my eyes open. Shit! Head-fucking-ache.

  I still feel a little buzzed too. The ringing noise is just slamming my ear drums right now. I open my eyes and it’s still dark in my room. I try to feel around for my cell to check the time, but I can’t find it. The phone is still ringing so now I’m wondering what is going on?

  Picking up the phone, my raspy voice answers, “Hello.”

  It’s Matt and he’s crying. Hysterically. I can barely get a word out. I instantly sit up in bed. My stomach drops and my body tenses. “What? What is it?” I yell back. My nerves are shot!

  “It’s . . . it’s Cory! He— he fucking OD’d!”

  Everything goes numb. I go deaf and blind. I can’t make out what Matt is saying to me. It just sounds like static. Images of Cory from earlier start racing through my mind. His smile, his eyes. On stage tonight just so happy and catching him with that fucking needle. This is all my fault! I shouldn’t have left him. Oh my god! Matt screams into the phone bringing me back to reality.

  “Sophia! Sophia please. Get to the hospital.” I didn’t say anything back to him. Leaving the phone off the hook, I run out the door in my clothes from earlier. I can’t take this shit right now! I start balling as I start running down the hallway. My shoes are barely on my feet. I have no cash or phone on me. I just know that I have to get there as soon as possible. When I approach the elevators, the doors open. It’s Tristan and Caleb. They’re laughing but when they turn and see me choking on my own tears, Tristan’s face drops and quickly pulls me into his arms. “What the fuck happened?” I hear Caleb ask, but I can’t talk. Only thing I can get out are hard sobs. I use my hands to cover my face, trying to calm myself. Stuttering I choke out. “I-I need to get to the h-hospital.”

  “What’s going on?” Tristan asks softly in my ear, but I freak out at the thought that Cory is lying in a bed at the hospital, possibly dying. I scream at Tristan’s face. “I need to get to the fucking hospital! C-Cory.” Tristan doesn’t flinch but presses the button down to the first floor. Caleb gets on his phone and dials a ride. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” I hear him say. I’m crying so hard now that my vision is blurred when we reach the ground floor. I can’t even walk right. Tristan picks me up and cradles me in his arms and carries me through the lobby. Cory, my poor sweet friend. Please god let him be all right. Please . . .