A Cheating Man's Heart

by Derrick Jaxn

  She sat up in the bed and glared at me. "So what, you just gon' fuck me and then just leave? Is that what I am to you? Some kind of two dollar whore?"

  I wanted to tell her that actually a two dollar whore would be more expensive because she was free, but it was no time for humor. "No Jaz, you know it's not like that at all. I do want to stay. I just need something to put on and I know you don't have-"

  "I still have some of Lewis' old clothes if you wanna wear those."

  I all but blew the fuck up. "No! And don't bring his name up to me again. You hear me?!" I yelled.

  She looked at me surprised and confused. "All right, damn. I won't do it again."

  I caught myself. I had thought that having sex with his ex-girlfriend would do something for me, but it didn't. His name felt like a knife in my side.

  Now I was beginning to feel like a complete jerk for not only trying to hit it and leave, but then yelling at her.

  I looked at her again and could see I had hurt her feelings.

  From the very beginning, she was only trying to help. She trusted me, exactly as I asked her to.

  I needed to honor that and at minimum, not make her feel like shit by leaving in the middle of the night after faking an orgasm. Besides, it was still a little too soon to see Danielle. The dust was probably never going to completely settle, but it was a huge gamble to go back on the same night.

  "Move over and give me some covers. If I'mma sleep naked, I gotta make sure I'm warm enough so I don't catch a cold."

  Her face relaxed into a slight grin as she made room next to her in the bed. "I knew you wasn't about to leave. At least, I wasn't about to let you." She tried to cuddle up next to me so I lay flat on my stomach so she couldn't. That move was reserved for my fortune, not the penny.

  ***

  "Wake, up boo. I told you I'd cook for you and I don't want you blaming me for being late either. Come on, wake up."

  I opened my eyes to see Jazmin standing over me with a tray of food and orange juice. She was wearing my t-shirt from last night and smiling from ear to ear. This had gone too far a long time ago. It was time for a talk.

  "Thanks, you can set it over there for right now. But real quick, Jaz, I wanna talk to you."

  "Yes?" she said, still smiling. I hated that what I was about to say was going to make her do everything but smile, but it needed to be said.

  "Jaz, you're my best friend, and I appreciate everything you've done for me. Really, I do. But I think I made up my mind about what I wanna do about with my situation. You may or may not like it but I hope you understand."

  She stopped smiling and it made it hard to keep eye contact. But I kept going.

  "You and I...we need to just fall back from each other. I mean you haven't done anything wrong or nothin'. I just feel like I'm a mess and I've invited you into it to make it even worse. I've been selfish, only thinkin' about myself. Never should have drug you into this."

  "So you say all this now, after we've had sex, after everything we've been through and you tell me this now?"

  "I know. I know. I just, I have to figure this out on my own. And I don't need to open any doors until every other one is closed. You're an amazing person. Really, you are. But the amount of me I'm able to give you is way less than you deserve. I'd be doing you a disservice by even trying when I know where my heart is at. I couldn't have asked for a better friend, but if I don't end this now, then I never was your friend to begin with."

  She stared at me expressionless. Then I saw a tear drop from her left eye and it made my heart sink. It really sucked to know I was hurting her. But I had to.

  "Shawn, you can't just expect me to be cool with this. Sex isn't just sex to me anymore. My body is special, and if I share that with you, it's because I think you're special. I've been looking, all my life, for a reason to feel that way and meeting you was proof that I was worth the try. Things didn't work out with Lewis, but talking with you helped me see that there's some good guys out here who think more of me than just a good fuck and cool conversation. But in the same way you're not being selfish, I don't wanna be selfish either. If you need to cut things off with me, then that's just what you need to do. It hurts like hell, but I support you," she said, wiping the tears from her face.

  I didn't expect the emotional response she gave. More like a pot of grits splashing on me which actually would have been better.

  I couldn't blame her for anything she felt. She was entitled to it all. But even if I couldn't make things right, I at least kept things from getting worse.

  "Thank you. Take care," I said. Wasn't sure if that was the last words I'd ever say to her, but if it was, it summed up our friendship and the way I wanted to end.

  She took my shirt off then handed it to me and went into the bathroom to, I believe, change clothes. I didn't wait to find out.

  Instead, I slipped on my pants, and headed out the door with the rest in hand. I got in my car and started it up and remembered my phone was kept off the charger all night so it had to be dead by now.

  I plugged it up to the charger and saw it light up with a line of missed calls from Danielle.

  She had been calling from 1 a.m. all the way until 5 a.m., nonstop, every 10 minutes.

  Maybe she saw me pull off last night after all.

  I started to call her back but hesitated because I didn't know what to say. I could go off about what I saw, or I could wait and see if she would just come out and confess.

  That would mean she at least felt some kind of regret about cheating, and it'd help me learn to trust her again. Even though I had realized how much she meant to me, I still had to learn to deal with the fact that she was seeing another guy. It was too many thoughts to deal with so I just drove back home getting ready to cross that bridge when I got to it.

  I pulled up and saw her car still in the same place, this time with my parking spot empty. I was barefoot and shirtless, and if I was trying to be obvious, I'm pretty sure that could do the trick.

  I started putting my clothes back on. Even though I had every right to tell her what I had done without her getting mad, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea. Something just didn't seem right about it, but maybe I just needed to be face to face with her before it made sense.

  I walked in and saw all the lights on in the house, apparently from the night before because it was still early. Danielle was sitting on the couch, still in the same clothes she wore yesterday, but leaning on the arm rest asleep.

  She never went to sleep leaving the lights on.

  "Danielle, Danielle," I whispered, seeing if she'd wake up. She was out cold. Calling me till five o'clock in the morning had worn her out. I tapped her shoulder. "Danielle, get up. Why you got all these lights burning?"

  "Huh? Superman, that you?" she said, still waking up. Her morning voice was so innocent and almost childlike. It used to make me hold her tighter when we first woke up and she'd tell me she loved me.

  "Yeah, it's me. You need to get up and get in the bed. You got all these lights on."

  "I was waiting for you. Where have you been? I was trying to call you all night, I thought something had happened. I didn't know what to do." Her voice was still a little scratchy but she was coming to.

  "I had to get away for a minute, had some things I had to get off my mind. I would have answered but I didn't hear my phone ringing."

  "Oh, well, I'm glad you're all right. Are you hungry? I'm sorry I didn't cook yet, I would have but I fell asleep."

  "No, I'm not hungry, but I do have a question. What were you doing last night? And please, just be honest," I said looking her in the eye. I knew she didn't expect me to ask her at the moment but that made it even better of a time to finally bring it up. I needed to know and I needed to know right then.

  "What do you mean, be honest? What are you talking about? I was here."

  "Here with who, Danielle? Don't play dumb."

  She sat up and looked at me still squinting but wide awake now. "I'm not playi
ng dumb. I was here, I promise. I didn't go anywhere all night."

  "Danielle, I just want you to tell me the truth. I'm not saying I won't be mad, but I need you to come out and be real about whatever it is you were doing."

  "I am being real. I don't have anything to lie about. Why don't you just say what you're trying to say already instead of talking crazy like I did something wrong."

  "Okay, well, since you wanna play it like that, cool. I saw you. I saw you last night. You and Lewis were up in here while I was gone. You didn't think I saw you, but I saw both of y’all hugged up at the door and everything."

  She looked away and shook her head. That was all the confirmation I needed right there. I knew it.

  Then she started laughing.

  I said, "What's so funny?"

  "You."

  "What you mean me? I don't think this is funny and it's messed up that you think it's a joke."

  "Well, it is funny. I mean, yeah I had him in here, but it wasn't like I was sleeping with him or anything. I had him here because he needed my book to do last minute studying. Normally he asks me to send my notes but instead of me telling him no I just told him he can come get the book and do the work for himself. So he did. I know it was late and all but he called my bluff. The least I could do was actually help him. He wasn't here for a real long time, just like 10 minutes or so for an overview and then he left. And I wasn't hugged up with him, I just gave him a hug, that's it. I don't know why you're being all over dramatic, you should have just asked instead of assuming. I can't believe you think I'd do something like that. He's not even my type. Ugh." She got up and walked back into the bedroom.

  My chest started pounding and I took the seat she had just vacated. This news should have been a relief, but it was devastating.

  It would've been better if she had a confession, even a mild one. Maybe that she had been getting to know him for a while but it never went past that, or that she wanted to cheat one time but couldn't do it and was sending him on his way, anything but this.

  Now I was left shit-faced. Guilt was bum-rushing me, and weight that few people could lift on their own had placed itself on my shoulders. I couldn't say a word.

  I should have went and apologized before even accusing her. Then again, what's an apology without a promise to do better? What's a promise with a track record of infidelity? I lost all respect from and for myself.

  Chapter 15

  When It All Falls Down

  After a few minutes, she came and kissed me on her way out the door. She seemed to have brushed off the conversation from earlier, while I was stuck thinking of absolutely nothing else.

  We don't realize what our choices could mean for us until after they're made. I lost my only friend, and now on the brink of losing the love of my life, and I did it with one stupid choice. Now all that was left was the decision to either tell her the truth.

  Or hide it from her.

  If I told her, she was not only going to leave me, but she was bound to be heartbroken. Could I really handle that?

  I know I didn't want to find out. I mean, it was already done. There was no amount of will power to re-do it, or amount of sincere apology that could go back in time and make the right choice.

  When you break someone's heart, you break their sanity and she didn't deserve that at all. I did. All the times I told her and showed her I loved her would mean absolutely nothing. As for now, her heart and sanity were still intact. The only thing that could change that was her finding out the truth.

  So in a way, there was a positive left to be had and that's that the damage of my decision was still internal and mine to suffer.

  This catastrophe didn't have to happen to anyone else but me, if I could only conceal it well enough and maybe even long enough for it to just go away. If it didn't go away, then... I guess I'd take it to the grave. But I damn sure couldn't bring myself to even imagine what it'd be like to let those words leave my mouth; that I did the very thing I vowed against since the first day we admitted our love to one another.

  Honestly, I didn't mean to. I mean I meant to, but...damn. I was wrong. But I was in too deep. So, that was it, I just wasn't going to tell her and she wasn't going to find out.

  Even though we were no longer friends, I knew Jazmin wouldn't say anything about it.

  We didn't end on bad terms so she had no reason to be spiteful and I definitely wasn't going to go back and have sex with her or any girl again for that matter. I learned my lesson. I hated even entertaining the thought of keeping something this significant from my woman, but I wasn't prepared for this. Not one bit.

  I went to class that day feeling like I was walking knee high in mud. I could have pushed a car up a hill with the effort it took just to get from one place to another. I didn't feel good about myself; I couldn't be nice to anyone; and I was stressed out the entire day. This cheating thing looked a lot easier when Stevie J did it.

  I looked at my phone and saw Danielle's text.

  Meet me in the cafe at 1:30. My class got cancelled n I wanna eat lunch w/u

  Great. I needed everything but to be around her with the pressure I was already taking from my conscience. But she was up all night waiting for me to get home, the least I could do is sit with her and eat lunch.

  It was exactly 1:15 and my class still wasn't dismissed. I grabbed my bag and excused myself so I could be there on the time. Not a lot of room for error.

  I walked in the cafeteria scanning the tables for her. Didn't look like she had made it in yet, so I went and picked us a spot off in the corner and set my books down. I looked down to text her so she'd know I had made it in and then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I damn near hopped out my seat.

  "Whoa, calm down. I just wanted to give you your watch. You left it on my nightstand, I thought you might need it."

  "Jazmin? How'd you know I'd be in here?" My heart was thumping and I felt my pores open like flood gates for the sweat that was now beading up on my nose.

  "Chill out. I ain't know you was gon' be nowhere. I was getting ready to leave and was holding onto in case I saw you today. Here, take it. I'm gone now. Bye," she said, putting my watch on the table and walking off. This was all too damn coincidental for me. I needed a cup of water and some deodorant. Fast.

  I looked at the watch and saw it said 1:34. I walked over to the buffet table to pick out some lunch that I now had absolutely no appetite for and caught a glimpse of Danielle coming through the door. I played it cool like I didn't see her, for no particular reason, just seemed like a smart thing to do.

  "Hey, Superman."

  "Hey, baby, ‘bout time you made it in. I been waiting for like 30 minutes."

  "Oh whatever, I'm only five minutes late. You probably just got here yourself."

  Laughing I said, "Yeah I did. I got us a seat over there in the corner. If you want, I'll fix ya plate and you can go head and sit down. I'll bring it to you."

  She didn't hesitate to take me up on the offer. She looked damn good. Her jeans were fitting right, and she had just under too much cleavage showing, how I liked it.

  However, this wasn't the day to admire that. I had to use every moment I could to make sure I calculated my next move. I had maintained a pretty good poker face so far.

  I just had to keep it up and let time work its magic on the rest. I finally started believing the 'it's gon' be okay' line I had been telling myself all day.

  I finished loading up the plates with lunch selects: fried chicken and watermelon that I wouldn't dare think about eating in front of white people, some mixed veggies, and rice. Came back to the table to see her face buried in a book, seemingly looking over some notes from one of her classes.

  "What you got there?"

  "Some stuff from my history class. Can you believe that? History. We're in college, and still required to take a damn history class," she said without looking up. She was good for talking without making eye contact.

  "Well, it's good that you're well-rounded. I mean, yo
u know what they say about history. Those who don't know it are forced to repeat it."

  "Oh, if I don't know this history, I'll damn sure repeat it."

  "Don't think like that."

  "Well, I don't see what the Bear River massacre has to do with my sales and marketing degree. Unless I'm marketing to Indians, then I guess it could come in handy."

  "Baby, don't trip. You know college isn't really meant to teach you much. It's just supposed to test you, give employers a weeding-out process, and see if you have the chops to make it through some shit you know is unnecessarily difficult."

  "And loan debt. Don't forget that part. Sallie Mae's the biggest pimp the world's ever seen. I know when I graduate she's going to have her powder ready to slap me with those high interest rates."

  "Well, that's what a job is for. Better to be paying off loans in a house rather than living under a bridge debt-free. You picked your poison, and I think it's a good one."

  "Ugh. I don't wanna do this right now." She snapped her book close and pushed it to the side. I was already halfway done with my food.

  "Everything okay?"

  "Yeah, it's cool. I just, I don't know. My nerves are bad right now," she said, rubbing her temples.

  I got up and went around the table to massage her shoulders. She loved my massages and I loved that she loved them. It always gave me a proud feeling when I could take things off her mind.

  "Superman?"

  "Yes, sweetheart?"

  "Why you being so nice to me? Is it because you don't want me to be mad at you for accusing me of cheating? 'Cause just so you know, I ain't forgot."

  My throat closed up. It felt like I was trying to swallow a medicine ball. I was all for keeping the subject off of this and sticking to talking about how college is just another part of the system.

  "What you mean? Ain't I supposed to be nice to you? Yeah, I was out of line earlier but that was earlier. This is now. I just want to make you feel a lil' better, that's all."