Saul took out his wallet. Henry’s eyes grew wide at the bulge of money. Mr. Goldman took out a ten dollar bill and laid it on the counter. “There! I will pay the difference from my own pocket.”
“Include a pair of navy socks and we have a deal.”
“Oh, Bill, he’s done enough,” Mary covered her mouth, feeling a little embarrassed.
“We’re good customers, Mary, and I bet Morton’s would throw in a pair of socks.”
Saul threw his hands into the air and in a voice filled with frustration he said, “All right, already!”
He walked over to Henry and took the jacket off. For a minute there, Henry thought Mr. Goldman had backed out of the deal. But then Saul said, “I will give the suit to Mrs. Goldman and she will have it altered perfectly for you by Wednesday afternoon.”
Henry breathed a sigh of relief that the bargaining was over. He hoped the perspiration under his arms hadn’t gotten on his new suit jacket.
After they left Mr. Goldman’s place, they went to the Bata Shoe Store on Scarth Street and bought Henry a pair of cordovan-coloured oxfords. Henry could visualize how he was going to look and could hardly wait to try on the whole outfit.
On Wednesday, two days before closing exercises, Henry went to pick up his new suit at Goldman’s Clothing Store. He couldn’t get home fast enough to try it on and make certain the alterations were perfectly done. Within minutes he had stripped off his old clothes and was in his new outfit. He could hardly get over what a difference a suit made as he looked into the dresser mirror.
Mary was at the sink washing some knives when Henry inched into the kitchen behind her. He was about to make his announcement when she turned. Her mouth dropped as she saw her son and her eyes misted.
“Oh, Henry, you look so handsome!” she exclaimed. “That navy looks so good on you. Turn around. Let me see the back… Oh, it fits you so nice! Mrs. Goldman is such a good seamstress.”
His father appeared at the doorway, holding the newspaper in his hands. He kind of shook his head and winked at Henry.
“Pretty dapper, son. You look great! Hmm, that tie knot needs a little more practice.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Dad.
As Henry turned to go back to his room his mom called, “Oh, by the way, Henry, two letters came for you today; they’re on the table by the front door.”
Henry picked up the envelopes. One was from Gary, but the other didn’t have a return address. Could it be from Jenny? It didn’t look like Jenny’s handwriting but that might have changed over the years. His heart pounded as he raced to his room, letters clutched in his hand.
He sat at his desk and quickly opened the mysterious letter. It was a short note from Julean:
Hi Hank,
Although I can’t be at the closing exercises I just want you to know that I’ll be there in spirit. You’ll do such an excellent job! I know your classmates will love it and get so much out of it.
I love you so much.
All my love, Julean
That was really thoughtful of Julean.
He felt a twinge of guilt for getting so excited that it might be a letter from Jenny. He loved Julean so much yet feelings for Jenny were always just below the surface.
What if the letter had been from Jenny?
And what about his plan to find her when school was out?
Chapter Thirty-Five
Iwish Tammy would call,” Jenny said out loud as she paced her bedroom floor. It’s been over a week and a half since I saw her at the hospital. What’s happened to her…and to the baby?!
Jenny had called her house several times and each time Tammy’s mom told her Tammy wasn’t at home and hung up. Tammy was no longer at the hospital either; Jenny had gone up there to see her four days ago and Tammy had checked out the week before. Where is she? Jenny wondered. Perhaps her mother wasn’t being truthful. Jenny didn’t want to cause any trouble by going over to their home. Oh, Tammy, please call! I hope you and your baby girl are all right. I’m dying to know what you decided to do with the baby…
Since she’d held Tammy’s newborn, Jenny longed to go back and hold her some more. She’d loved those few moments of having the infant in her arms.
Jenny so missed her little three-year-old girl. Camilla would be walking and talking now, colouring pictures, asking a million and one questions, her bright eyes exuding curiosity. Oh, to hear her say “mommy” would be Jenny’s greatest joy. But she is gone and so is Tammy. And now even the love I once felt from Henry is waning too.
Thoughts of her two lost loves flooded Jenny’s mind like relentless waves of the sea upon the shore. A sea that was empty of real life, only memories. Wave after wave of nostalgia and what- might-have-been images washed up on this illusionary shore, crashing into rocks, shattering all her dreams, all her hope.
Despondency flooded her. She rarely allowed this to happen, but too many things were going on and her defenses and better judgment felt under continual attack. She went to her desk and retrieved her address book and looked up a number she hadn’t called in a long time. She went to the phone in her room, picked up the receiver and dialed the number.
“Social Services, how may I direct your call?”
“May I please speak with Erica Reinhardt.”
“One moment, please.”
“Hello, this is Erica.”
”Hi, Erica, this is Jenny…Jenny Sarsky.”
“Oh, Marjorie!”
“Yes, but please call me Jenny.”
“How are you keeping, Jenny? I called your home about six months ago and spoke with your mother. You were at school at the time. She said you were doing fine. I told your mom to tell you to call if you ever needed to talk.”
“Oh, Mom didn’t tell me you’d called.”
“I guess she thought it best to leave well enough alone. Well, anyway, how are things going?”
“Oh, I guess mostly it’s fine. What I was calling about Erica is that, well, for some time now and especially this past week or so, I’ve been wondering if it will ever be possible for me to meet and see my daughter? And I was wondering if—”
“Oh, Jenny. I know all this must be so difficult for you, but if you recall, we went over this several times. Once you gave up your baby for adoption, you lost your right to see her.”
“But—forever? Isn’t there some way around this? She is my daughter. Have I no rights at all?”
“I’m sorry, Jenny, but, yes, that’s the case. When your daughter is eighteen or older and if she is told that she was adopted and wants to know who her mother is, then it might be possible. In that case, we would notify you and let you know that your child is looking for you.”
“What if Camilla is told before she’s eighteen and requests to know who I am? Is it possible I could be contacted sooner?”
“Jenny, I’ve been here for ten years and I have not had a request like that. I’m not saying that it’s impossible, just that it’s highly unlikely—don’t get your hopes up.”
“I see.”
“Are you going to be okay with that? Would you like to come in and see me? We could talk more or perhaps I could come out and visit with you?”
“No, I’ll be fine. It’s okay—I know where to find you.”
“So, let me see, you would be in Grade 12 now, is that right?”
“Yes. I’m enjoying school and am quite involved in things.”
“Oh, that’s good. Have you met any boys yet that you like?”
“As a matter of fact, I have met a boy. His name is James. He reminds me a lot of someone I knew in Regina.”
“Yes, I remember you telling me about him. Henry was his name, right?”
“You have a good memory. I still miss him though I’m quite fond of James.”
“I’m happy you’ve found someone.”
“Well, Erica,
I don’t want to keep you from your work, you must be busy with other people. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.”
“I’m so glad you called Marj—er—Jenny. Please don’t hesitate to chat with me anytime. That’s what I’m here for.”
“Thanks again, Erica. ’Bye.”
Jenny replaced the receiver, then tossed herself onto her bed and sobbed. Her heart felt so empty. If only she could just see her little girl, hold her—even for just a minute. A photo would be better than nothing. But there was nothing. Nothing but a memory of a tiny, squealing baby hanging upside down from a doctor’s fist in the delivery room.
Would the people who adopted Camilla even tell her she was adopted? But even if they did, Camilla would have to be at least eighteen years old. Such a long time away.
Trying desperately to appease her aching heart, Jenny thought of holding Tammy’s little girl.
But even Tammy has abandoned me.
The only consolation was that in a year or two she might be married and have another child. But would her guilt over giving Camilla away maybe prevent her from even being able to have more children?
Perhaps she should have accepted Erica’s offer to meet. It just seems so distant and cold. And talking with her mother felt even colder and more distant. Her mother tended to just brush over her concerns as passing difficulties that soon would go away. She used to be able to talk to her dad, but he was so troubled lately, she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him either.
Jenny punched the pillow in between sobs.
Broken-heartedness wore her down. She’d felt its sting before and knew she could never cope with it again. Out of desperation to escape it all, she got up and made her way to the bathroom. Jenny gazed into the mirror of the medicine cabinet. The hopelessness in her eyes stared back at her. Her world was rapidly closing in, blinding her to life’s options. Heavy dark clouds descended upon her, shutting out all the light, leaving only one choice: complete darkness. Jenny opened the medicine chest and reached for the bottle of tranquilizers the doctor had prescribed for her after she’d given birth to Camilla. It had helped her sleep then, perhaps one or two would help now.
She opened the lid and tapped one out into the palm of her hand. Then another. And then the contents of the entire bottle. She looked at the pills. She wanted to sleep and never wake up. Everyone had deserted her or been taken from her; her father, her mother, her baby, Henry—and now Tammy and her baby too. And worst of all, in her hopeless state, Jenny finally realized that she was truly afraid of baring her soul to James, the one person she should have been able to confide in.
Tears fell and pooled onto the palm of her hand softening the white tablets. She raised the pills to her mouth and… stopped. Wisps of the dissolving tablets from her tears moved and swirled almost like wings, conjuring up the image of an angel in her mind. As she gazed at this incredible sight, a prayer popped into her mind. A prayer she’d always found comforting and had forgotten to say lately.
Tears streamed down her face as she whispered, “Oh Angel of God, my guardian dear to whom His love commits me here; ever this day be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide my life, forever and ever. Oh guardian angel,” Jenny pleaded, “Please help me.”
No sooner had the words left her trembling lips than a warmth and peace ignited in the pit of her stomach and grew until it filled the emptiness inside. She looked at the pills through blurred vision and tossed them into the toilet. Her feelings of despair melted as she watched the pills dissolve and disappear, replaced by a feeling of hope that her guardian angel would make things work out.
Jenny knew she had lost sight of the reality of her life and that she must return her focus to the present moment, building upon each moment one at a time. She had discovered this truth once before and, just like the last time, her protector had helped her. Jenny had allowed the false perception of the loss of her loves and the bleakness of the future to overshadow the now of her life and obliterate the joy of living.
She was reminded once more, too, of the circumstances surrounding her rape and pregnancy. That her guardian angel had spared her the awful memory of that night and yet had permitted the pregnancy. And as she had concluded last time, a thought filled with assurance surfaced, confirming it all again: the birth of her dear, sweet little baby was not just an answer to the prayers of Camilla’s adoptive parents, but there was another, special, design yet to unfold.
The thought sustained her now as it had back then and bolstered her spirits further. “Oh, thank you, my dear guardian angel! I will trust you to fulfill my heart’s desires. If it is our Master’s will, someday my loves and I will be together again.”
The phone rang and Jenny rushed to answer.
It was Tammy!
“Tammy!” Jenny shouted, her heart soaring like an eagle. “Where are you? I’ve been phoning your home and your Mom says you’re not there. I’ve been so worried about you. What did you decide about the baby?!”
“I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner, Jenny…let me explain.”
“Tammy, I’m on pins and needles, please hurry!”
“Well, remember when you came up to visit at the hospital and Mom came back and suggested that you go?”
“Yes, go on.”
“Well, Mom did her best to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. But after she left I was distracted by what I saw out of the hospital room window. It was the most gorgeous, huge, black and orange monarch butterfly!”
“Oh, Tammy! I saw one that day too. Maybe it was the same one.”
“Anyway, Jen, it reminded me of when I was little and I would play in the yard for hours on end chasing after the butterflies. I began to imagine my little girl doing that and then thought about all the other things I’d miss if I gave her up for adoption. It may sound crazy but it was just that little thought that made up my mind. I knew I had to keep her. I knew with your support I could do it.”
“Oh, Tammy, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you! And I’ll help however I can.”
“Let me tell you what happened then. When I told Mom what I’d decided, she was furious. She said I was throwing my life away, that Robbie would never want me. ‘There goes your education, your future,’ and on and on she went.”
“Oh, Tammy—she was just trying to do what she thinks is best for you, but in the end it’s your decision, your life.”
“That’s right and that’s what I told her. Then Mom said that if I kept the baby I was no longer welcome at home. ‘If you want to keep the baby then you look after it,’ she said.”
“What did you do then?” Jenny asked softly.
“I phoned Grandma and she said I could stay with her. Now Mom is so mad at her mother, but Grandma says she’ll come around and that Mom’s been mad at her before and that I shouldn’t concern myself with it.”
“That’s so good that your grandma is being supportive.”
“Yeah! So for now anyway I’m staying at Grandma’s house. I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon; the baby isn’t nursing very well. I think it’s all the fuss lately and Chloe is sensing my nerves.”
“You named her Chloe? That’s so beautiful, Tammy.”
“Since Robbie still hasn’t shown up or even seen her I decided to name her myself.”
“I love that name, Tammy, it has such a nice sound to it.”
“Anyway, Jen, I’m home all day tomorrow and I’d love to see you and I know Chloe would like to see you too. Have you got a pencil and paper handy? I’ll give you Grandma’s phone number and address.”
Jenny jotted down the information and then the girls exchanged goodbyes.
Jenny was ecstatic over Tammy’s news. She and her mother will make up soon and perhaps Robbie—if he’s worth his salt—will come around too.
Suddenly Jenny saw a flash of colour out of the corner of her eye. She turned
to her bedroom window. Oh my God, it was the huge orange and black monarch butterfly! She rushed to the window and watched it fly away, but the sight of the gardens below filled her with awe and wonder.
Hundreds of monarch butterflies were flitting about, especially crowding around near her gazebo and wildflower garden. They must be feeding on the nectar in the flowers. And beside the fountain stood Carlos, his hands raised to the sky as if in praise to it all.
Jenny looked on in amazement. Her earlier feelings of sorrow, loss and abandonment had been completely replaced by exhilaration and hope. She was filled with thoughts of butterflies, of angels!
Jenny quickly changed into blue jeans and t-shirt and hurried downstairs and out into the garden.
“Miss Jenny,” Carlos shouted as soon as he saw Jenny emerge from the kitchen patio doors. “It is a miracle! In a letter we received from my cousin in Mexico, he said the monarchs left late in March for their journey here. So knowing the great distance they must travel, Fernando predicted their arrival would be the middle of June. But somehow the butterflies have arrived almost a month earlier.” Carlos looked at Jenny and then said, “There must be a reason.”
Jenny thought she knew, said instead, “They’re so beautiful, aren’t they? And just look how many there are flitting about!”
“They are happy like angels! In Mexico when the monarchs migrate back there in the fall, the people celebrate for their return, Bienvenidos Monarcas. Each began life as a tiny egg. Think of the challenges they’ve overcome and the distance they’ve travelled.”
“Perhaps we should celebrate their arrival too, Carlos.”
“Si, I was already before you came out. I have never seen so many. They are attracted to the milkweed plant. That is where they lay their eggs and then must die. They give their lives so new life can begin and carry on the miracle of their migration. And all the while they give such joy to us as they do now.”
“Do we have milkweed plants in the garden? I don’t recall seeing any.”
Another Angel of Love Page 31