“No, Ollie.” She looked at her toes.
“You’re scared.”
Her head flew up and she locked eyes with him, vulnerability seeping from every pore. “Yes. Yes, OK? I’m scared.”
“I won’t hurt you. I promise.” He meant it too, more than anything he’d ever promised. He held her close to his heart. His everything. His Victoria.
“It’s me. I’ll do the hurting.” She shook her head, more tears threatening.
He couldn’t believe she was willing to throw this away. “So, you’re scared and choosing to jump? What about living your best life?”
“This is the best I can have, OK?” Her expression changed from vulnerable to angry. Lashing out. She was like a trapped animal, attacking. “And I happen to like my life.”
“We could have more. Bigger. Everything.”
“I don’t need two helicopters.” She sighed, closing her eyes as if she was in pain. “I just can’t explain.”
There was a lot more to this and she wasn’t making any efforts to tell him the truth. “Can’t? Or won’t?”
She shook her head. “It’s not going to make a difference. This has to end. I never intended for it to get this deep. I wasn’t thinking. I just got carried away. I...” She put her head in her hands.
“Do I not get a say in any of this?”
“Not if you’re going to try to talk me out of my decision.” She lifted her head and held his gaze. One second. Two.
She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. Kind and funny and determined and driven. Everything he could ever want. He stroked her cheek. “I want you, V.”
“Don’t make this harder than it is, Ollie. We had a deal. I’ve honored my part, now please honor yours.” She stood, slid past him and walked to the door.
He counted the steps, offering a deal to the devil with each footfall if she’d change her mind.
When she actually pulled the door open, he knew any hope was lost. But he did deals all the time. It was about compromise and priority. She was his number one. “What can I do? How can I change your mind?”
“You won’t.”
“Not even with this?” He tilted her face to his. Saw the confusion and the struggle, felt the tiniest bit of softening in her body. He wouldn’t have kissed her if he thought she didn’t want it, but she leaned in, straining towards him. He pressed his lips to hers.
She gasped, grabbing his coat lapels to pull him closer and moaning into his mouth. “Oliver. Ollie.”
“I want you. You want me. I know you want me.” She just didn’t want...what? He didn’t understand. She couldn’t explain. But whatever it was must have been so private or so dark she didn’t want him to know. She was hurting and she couldn’t tell him.
He hugged her against him, telling her with this kiss how much she meant to him. How he loved her. How they could make this work.
But he felt the wet of her tears on his face and he knew. She wasn’t welcoming him back with this kiss, she was letting him go.
They stood there in her dimly lit corridor, holding on, gripping each other. Twenty seconds. More. He wanted to hold her forever. If he’d known he’d fall for her like this, and so hard, he’d have never made that deal at all. Or made it for a hundred years.
When she pulled away her shoulders started to shake. She closed her eyes and controlled them. Then she put her palm to his chest. “Goodbye, Oliver. Thank you for giving me the chance to be something different. Something special.”
“Oh, God, Victoria. You are.”
“So are you.” She nodded, completely in control now, which was a damned sight more than he could say about himself. Then she stepped aside and indicated for him to leave.
He stood out there for longer than he dared to think. Every part of him raging. Why would she do this? When they had a chance at something good?
Hell. What had he missed? Why didn’t the jigsaw pieces fit? How did one particular woman have such an effect on his heart and his soul? Her taste was on his lips, her perfume on his hands. But it wasn’t enough. He wanted the real her. For fifty years.
He’d never fallen in love before. Never opened himself up to the prospect of hurt. And now he knew why.
She didn’t linger and watch him walk away. Didn’t press her face to the window or run to him. She shut the door. Closed the chapter. Completed the deal.
And snapped his heart into a million pieces.
* * *
Victoria leaned against the closed door and lost the fight with her tears. She loved him and she’d pushed him away with no explanation.
But how do you do that? How do you say stay with me when I can’t give you what you want and need? Choose me. Choose no kids. Choose disappointing your parents. She wasn’t enough. She just wasn’t. Sure, she’d tell him, and he’d be gentle, she knew that now. He wouldn’t trample all over her heart the way Peter had done, but she didn’t want him to make the wrong choice. And now he was gone. And she would never, ever fix her heart back together again.
She’d been so scared of being rejected she’d acted first. But it was better this way. A clean cut.
When her limbs finally stopped shaking she slowly climbed the stairs, her body aching from all the exhausting emotions of the day. First the high of her collection catwalk and now this.
She stumbled through to her studio and realized she’d left her clothes at the store. She’d ask Sara to go for her tomorrow and collect them. The last thing she wanted was to bump into Oliver and rub that raw wound. Her body felt broken. She felt like she was crumbling. She was broken.
She wandered through to her bedroom and slumped down on the bed. Tears running freely again now, she had no energy to stop them. The pain in her chest was so sharp she could barely catch her breath.
Her phone rang. Lily. Victoria snatched it up. “Oh, Lils.”
“Is he there?” Her voice was gentle, as if she was talking to a treasured child.
“He was.” A sob almost stopped Victoria from speaking but she managed to force the words out. “Now he’s gone. I told him to go.”
“Did you tell him the truth about the accident? Everything? Did you have a good talk?”
There’d been nothing good about it. It had broken her heart to make him go. “I couldn’t face another man looking at me with such disappointment and disgust.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that happened. But Oliver wouldn’t treat you like that. I mean...did he?”
“No. He was lovely. Always lovely. And... I like him. I mean...a lot.” Truth was, she just wanted to run up the road after him and tell him she’d made a huge mistake. But she hadn’t. She couldn’t make the even bigger mistake of falling deeper for him and then having her heart broken even more later on. She wanted his babies...this wasn’t about providing an heir for his family, this was about her deepest desires. The ones she’d thought she’d controlled, the ones she’d believed she’d come to terms with losing. But she hadn’t. She wanted Oliver and wanted to have a family. And she couldn’t. “Talk me down, please.”
But instead of hearing Lily’s lovely voice she heard some beeps and Zoe and Malie appeared in little boxes on her screen. And oh, God she needed to see them. Needed the collective support, knowing they were there to hold her up. The Lost Hours, her friends were here for her.
“Hi” was all she could manage through the sobs and the lump in her throat.
“We saw. We know. We love you,” Malie said, her voice low and soft and comforting.
“You...you know I told him to leave? You know we broke up?”
Zoe shrugged. “Your call. Whatever feels right, do it. We’ve got you.”
“You’re a strong, brave, amazing woman. Heck, you’re going to be a world-famous designer after today’s show.” Lily smiled her reassuring smile, although it was a little wobbly. “You’ll get through this. We’l
l get you through this.”
Victoria was so worried her friends would be upset about the kiss and the photos but here they were, looking out for her. “I don’t know. I think I love him. But it’s too soon. I mean...stupid me.” She thought about the night they’d spent in the hospital, all wrapped up in each other, talking into the early hours. The way she’d opened her heart and he’d done the same. The connection between them that had tightened and tugged and bound them together. “I’m not making any sense...”
“Hey.” Lily laughed, gently. “It’s OK, you’re hurting. You don’t have to make any sense at all.”
“I wish...” She sobbed. “I wish I had said yes instead of pushing him away. I’m too scared.” She sniffed. “I just don’t want a rerun of Peter. Basically, I’m a coward.”
“You are not.” Zoe was always great at taking control and talking truths. “You have faced so many challenges and you’ve overcome so much. You’re freaking amazing.”
“I just wish I felt amazing instead of like a limp lettuce.” Victoria pulled a tissue from a box by her bed and wiped her face. “OK. Tell me something happy. God, I’m always asking you that. Now I feel bad. It’s like you’re my happy fairies.”
Lily laughed. “You did the same for me when Alistair absconded with my cash. I didn’t think I’d ever get over that and...maybe I’m not quite there yet, but you girls made me feel better. Let me think...happy? Happy. Oh! Yes. It’s Christmas soon. You’ll be coming home to see us? Please say yes.”
Zoe’s mouth tipped up at one corner. “Hey, I know it won’t be the same without me, but Malie’s popping home for a few days, right? Three out of four, isn’t bad.”
Malie nodded, but didn’t say anything. Victoria knew that was because coming home was always difficult for her—with her brother gone she felt she had to be there once a year for her parents, but their relationship was strained.
Lily nodded too. “I want to spoil you rotten. I’ll feed you. You can be my official Christmas menu taster. Please come home.”
Home. Victoria hadn’t thought of Hawke’s Cove as her home for so long, but the pull of the familiar and comfort was too much to resist. She could retreat there and lick her wounds with people who loved her. She just wanted a hug. Lots of hugs. Lost Hours meetings in person. The comfort of her friends.
“To be honest I hadn’t thought past today. But I’ll book time off work and I’ll come down for the silly season.” If she was going to get over Oliver Russell she couldn’t do it on her own, she needed home and friends and love.
“And we can get silly on mulled wine together,” Malie said. “And take the boat round to the cove and get very, very drunk on prosecco. And to hell with men.”
“Yes! To hell with...” Victoria couldn’t say it. Because, despite how badly she and Lily had been treated in the past there were good men out there. Oliver was one of them. “But...oh, you guys. I love him. I feel as if my heart is splitting in two.”
“I know. But your heart is big enough to cope. We love you, V. We’ve got you,” Malie said and Victoria knew that even if everything wasn’t going to be all right, not for a long time, she’d be cocooned in her family’s and friends’ embraces. That would definitely make things a whole lot better.
“Thank you.” Victoria lay back on her pillow and the tears slid down her cheeks, soaking the linen underneath her.
She had her friends. She had her work, a job she loved and a dream that was starting to crystallize into something very exciting.
She just didn’t have the one thing that mattered above everything else.
Oliver Russell.
18
EVEYONE AROUND HIM WAS HAPPY.
Yeah. It was Christmas. Big freaking deal. Oliver was in a fancy restaurant eating overpriced bland food with the top brass at Russell & Co. There was tinsel and glitter everywhere, as if someone had dumped a ton of the stuff over the table. He’d been made to wear a stupid paper hat from one of the crackers and everyone had had too much to drink. Except him.
To make things a thousand times worse he’d been seated next to his cousin.
“Plans for Christmas?” Andrew asked as he swirled dark amber liquid around the bottom of a glass. His yellow paper hat had slid down over his forehead. He looked ridiculous. “Going to your parents’?”
“No. Haven’t got time. Tomorrow’s going to be the busiest day of the year, because every single man in this country leaves his shopping until Christmas Eve. On top of that Boxing Day sales start early. No point driving all the way out to Norfolk, only to have to drive all the way back again the same day.”
“Bah humbug,” Andrew growled.
“Probably.” Oliver bit back the string of curse words that leaped to his throat. His Christmas spirit had done a bunk the day Victoria had told him she didn’t want to see him anymore and refused to even listen to sense or compromise. The last thing he wanted was to put on a brave face about Christmas. “Don’t know what all the fuss is about, to be honest.”
The only thing that would ever make him happy wasn’t here. She’d disappeared again—OK, so he may have had a peek in The Landing last night and again tonight, just before he came to this shower of an event.
Andrew swirled and drank. “So, you’re staying in town? You want to get the hell out of here and find a decent bar?”
“No.” He wanted to curl up with Victoria. Kiss her. Undress her.
Fifty years. He wanted that with her, he knew it now.
His cousin nudged him. “Come on, Ol. We could find some women, get laid and then maybe we’ll have a better chance for a happy Christmas.”
“You go. I’m going to bed.” Oliver scraped his chair back and stood.
“You are no fun.” Andrew shot at him. “Don’t tell me you’re missing that Vicki woman.”
Oliver controlled his breathing. “Victoria. She doesn’t like Vicki.”
But she loved helping people. She didn’t like inequality. She was funny and kind. She’d pushed him to make things better with his parents. She was passionate. She tasted like freedom and new chances. And she was gone.
He was having trouble dealing with that, to be honest. He’d never felt so damned alone. He hadn’t even realized he’d been lonely but she made him feel... OK, stupid as it was, she made him feel whole. More than. Better. She just made him feel alive.
“You are well rid of her. I was onto her. She was taking you for a ride, Ol. Until I got wise and told her...” Andrew trailed off and looked back into the bottom of his almost empty glass. Then shrugged. “Oops.”
“What do you mean?” Oliver leaned in to his cousin, unable to hide the surprise and irritation from his tone. “What the hell did you say to her?”
Andrew shrugged, eyes wide. “Look, I just told her I knew her little secret.”
“What secret?” Oliver’s heart rate escalated. He sat back in his chair. What had he missed?
“That she’s barren. Infertile. Can’t have kids. Can’t progress the Russell line. She was stringing you along and you fell for it.”
“She can’t what?” Oliver’s mind went into overdrive, but the last piece of the jigsaw slotted into place. I just can’t explain, she’d said. Because she believed she’d be rejected again, right? But...why hadn’t she said anything? “How do you know this, Andrew?”
“Her ex. Said she’d been tight-lipped about it when they were in the lovey dove stage. Then, when they were starting to talk futures she dropped the bombshell.” He drained his glass. “Can’t have them. Turns out he did want them, so...”
Irritation turned to anger so raw and fresh it tightened Oliver’s chest, snatched his breath. “So...that Peter douchebag dumped her because of an accident that wasn’t her fault?”
“Found someone else, so yeah.”
And she found them together. God. Peter had probably staged the whole damned thing too.
Poor Victoria. The tightness sharpened and spread to his gut as he started to understand. “And she thought I’d do the same.”
“She said she was going to end it anyway.”
Oh, God. And she’d had to deal with Andrew. Oliver imagined how that had gone down. And then hot on the heels of that thought he had another, worse...why had she been unable to tell him? Because she didn’t trust him...was it him or every guy? Had she thought he was like Peter and that he’d run away at the sight of her scars and what they implied? Had he been that cold? The famous Russell ruthlessness in relationships as well as business?
But he’d let her go with barely a fight. So yes, she probably thought he was exactly like her ex. Oliver had let her go because he’d believed it was what she wanted.
He glared at his cousin. “You didn’t think to talk to me about it first?”
“I gave her time to come clean.” Andrew’s hands went up in a submissive gesture. “Let’s just say I hurried it along before she got any more valuables out of you.”
“The ring?” Nausea whirled in Oliver’s stomach as he started to understand his cousin’s subtext. “You want Nana Norma’s ring?”
Andrew shrugged. “It’s as much mine as it is yours.”
“It’s Victoria’s now. I told her to keep it.”
Andrew’s lip curled. “Then you’re more of a sucker than I thought you were.”
They were interrupted by goodbyes and handshakes with the rest of the Russell & Co. staff. Oliver dug deep to find any semblance of Christmas cheer...and then just faked it until they’d all gone.
Then it was just him and Andrew. Oliver could barely hold back his anger at this whole situation. If Andrew hadn’t threatened to out her then maybe she’d have stayed and eventually trusted Oliver enough to tell him. He wanted to deck his cousin right here in the restaurant. “You should have stayed the hell out of my business.”
“I did you a favor, mate. You should be thanking me.”
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