Grimbledung didn’t look back- he just waved his hand at his partner. Repeatedly. And up and down. And he pointed in several directions. Then he held up two fingers, bent at the first knuckles and bounced them up and down.
Drimblerod wasn’t sure if the intricate hand-waving was supposed to mean something to him or not. With a sigh, Drimblerod jogged toward his partner to see what he was looking at. “I want to talk to you,” he said as he neared. “About some things.”
“Dinner, Drim,” said Grimbledung when his partner got beside him.
“Yeah, dinner is one of the things I want to talk to you about.” Drimblerod kneeled down beside his partner. “You see, I was just talking to myself and we decided…”
“It’s right out there, you know,” said Grimbledung. If he had heard his partner, he didn’t let on. “Lookit that.” Grimbledung pointed at a nearby hill. “Our scrumptious dinner waits on yon hill.”
Drimblerod turned to look where his partner was pointing. “Yon, huh.” Almost a hundred yards away sat a jack rabbit. It was looking left and right, seemingly ignoring the two Gnomes. “You couldn’t hit an Oliphant at that distance and he knows it.” He kicked his partner’s leg. “That annoying animal isn’t even worried.”
“Oh, he should be worried.” Grimbledung rolled to his side and brought a crossbow to his knee. He grasped the loading handle. “He should be.” As the mechanism dropped into the groove and hooked on the string, it let out a metallic ‘Ka’. Grimbledung hazarded a glance at the animal. It was still looking around. It was ostensibly oblivious to its impending doom. “Oh, it is definitely oblivious to its impending doom,” affirmed Grimbledung.
The rabbit was definitely oblivious to its impending doom.
“Why don’t we just have some biscuits and jam?” They had only been on the road for a week and their supplies were running short thanks to Pozzuoli’s apparent lack of planning for the entire trip. “Maybe tomorrow we can forage something to tide us over until we get to Olde Jute.” The pair had spoken with a family that had confirmed that the innkeeper past Olde Jute was an old tracker that might be able to guide them on their way. Had the Gnomes been forthcoming, the family would have told them right where the Lost Picman’s Mine was - as they had just come from it.
Grimbledung clenched his teeth as he pulled back on the lever. When the string dropped into the release mechanism, it made a loud ‘Clack.’ “Biscuits and jam are for the meek. The bold eat meat.”
“You’ll never hit that thing, Grim.” Drimblerod took a knee. “It’s facing us so you don’t even have a big target and I hear those things are as fast as lightning. By the time you reload that crossbow, it will be a thousand Smoots away.”
“Shhh,” said Grimbledung out of the side of his mouth as he sighed at the two-foot tall animal. “Jack rabbit stew is on the menu and this little fellow is more than willing to make that happen.” He closed one eye.
“That’s the wrong eye, Grim.”
Grimbledung closed the other eye.
“You need at least one eye…”
Grimbledung pulled the trigger.
Drimblerod stood. “Biscuits it is.” He watched as the bolt traveled in an arc. It actually went in the direction of the jack rabbit, landing within twenty feet. “Not bad for having your eyes closed, but not good enough to make a stew. Jack rabbit or otherwise.”
Grimbledung rolled to his side raised an eyebrow at his partner as he casually reloaded his crossbow. “Stew is on the menu. Jack rabbit stew.”
“Our menu?” Drimblerod looked around. “That thing is long gone, Grim. I don’t know why you’re even reloading that thing.” He gestured toward the wagon. “We can add some jerked meat. I think we have some of that left.”
“Go take care of that fire, Drim.” Grimbledung brought the crossbow back to his shoulder. “I’ll take care of this part.”
“I don’t think another rabbit is going to come by any time soon.”
“Jack rabbit,” corrected Grimbledung.
“Fine; jack rabbit,” said Drimblerod. “I don’t think another jack rabbit is going to come by any time soon.”
“Ever hunt jack rabbits?”
“I can’t say that I have. Why?”
“Oh, nothing.” Grimbledung lay down on the ground. “Peculiar critters, jack rabbits.”
“I’ve got a partner like that.” Drimblerod crossed his arms. “So how are they peculiar? Do they leap in front of crossbow bolts fired in their general direction? I’ll admit that’d be most peculiar. Hop into a boiling pot?”
“You’re not far from the truth,” Grimbledung said as he pulled the crossbow to his cheek. “Shhhh…”
“Listen, Grim,” said Drimblerod. “It’s getting dark. Let’s just eat a light dinner and in the morning maybe we can find some eggs or something. A hearty breakfast will…” He stopped as the crossbow thrummed when Grimbledung fired it. He turned to look in the direction his partner was aiming. Not a hundred yards away, he saw a jack rabbit -the same one perhaps- running as fast as it could parallel to them. The crossbow bolt rose slightly as it flew. The jackrabbit did not seem to notice the approaching bolt and continued on his course.
A collision course.
The bolt found its mark and after a short tumble, the jackrabbit lay still.
“What in the lands?” Was all Drimblerod could say.
“Jackrabbits,” said Grimbledung as he pushed himself to a standing position, “tend to run in a big circle when they get spooked.” He hefted the crossbow to his shoulder. “Sure they’re fast, but if you give them a little time, they end up right back where they started.” He waggled his ears. “Take the crossbow and get the fire going. I’ll go dress it out there and be back before the water is boiling.” He smiled wide. “One more and I can make some neat gloves.” He raised his eyebrows. “Oooh! Or put on a neat puppet show.”
Speechless, Drimblerod took the crossbow and returned to their campsite.
The trio ate a hearty meal that evening, and Drimblerod was too annoyed to admit, the entire next day as well.
Of course, the following day was another matter entirely.
Chapter 12
All’s Fair In Love and Dates
“Gaa-hhg!” Gasped Liverioso as he grasped his friend’s wrists, allowing a little air to enter his burning lungs. It wasn’t an actual word, but at two syllables it was an improvement.
“Is this normal?” L’owen asked. “I mean, should I be worried or just enjoy the show?”
“Semfeld! What are you doing?”
Semfeld looked from the Gnomess to his partner and back. “Does this need explaining?” He leaned forward and tightened his grip on his partner’s throat. “Fine then; an explanation: I am choking my good for nothing partner to death.”
“Gahhh?” Gargled Liverioso because that was all that would come out.
Semfeld bounced his partner’s head off the floor. “Because you deserve it, that’s why!”
“Semfeld, my fiancé is a deputy here in town; I don’t think you want to commit murder in front of me.”
Semfeld bounced his partner’s head off the floor again, then let go. “Well, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen later.” He stood and dusted his hands off. “You looking for a wand?” He looked at the Elf.
“No, not particularly.” L’owen shook his head. “Don’t have much use for them.”
Semfeld looked at Cherí. “You?”
She shook her head as well.
“Well, if you’re not here to buy something, I’ll bid you a fair day and ask you to leave so I can get back to…” he glanced at his partner that was now on all fours, trying to catch his breath, “…business.”
“Semfeld, what is going on?”
Semfeld sighed. “He’s killing me, Cherí.”
“Looked to be the other way around.” When Semfeld scowled at him, L’owen raised his hands and moved to one of the stools at the counter. “I’m just passing through making observations; don’t mind me.”
“So what started this?”
Liverioso twisted around and sat on his butt. He jabbed a finger at Semfeld. “He is trying to get me to go on a date! A DATE!”
“Well, if he’s not interested, it’s just plain rude to treat him that way,” offered L’owen. “No is no is no.” He shook his head. “I mean, honestly.”
Semfeld scowled at the Elf. “Not with me you dolt; with the friend of a woman that I am trying to take out on the town that won’t go anywhere unless her friend has a date as well.”
“Oh... well…” L’owen frowned. “No, I’m sticking to my original statement; you can’t just make him go if he’s not interested. That’s still just plain rude.”
“He doesn’t need to be interested; he just needs to pretend to be interested because I’m interested. He just needs to help out his partner of ten years this one time.”
“I won’t betray my love for Sage!” Liverioso leapt at his partner and grabbed him around the neck. “I won’t do it even if it’s pretending!”
Semfeld struggled to stay on his feet as his partner grasped him around the neck. “You haven’t seen that girl in years, Liverioso, years! She has probably moved on by now. Married with kids even!”
“No!” Screamed Liverioso. “She has not!”
“She is still single,” said L’owen. “As far as I know.”
“And forgotten all about you by now,” continued Semfeld.
Liverioso climbed up his partner onto his chest. The added weight knocked the both of them to the ground. He straddled Semfeld and grabbed his throat. “That is just not possible!”
“Word is that she will still tell the story about the water tower if you even get close to it in a discussion,” said L’owen.
“What?” Liverioso turned to face the Elf. He still had his partner by the throat. “What did you just say?”
“What?” Semfeld tried to turn to face the Elf but couldn’t because his partner still had him by the throat.
“Are you mocking me?” Liverioso let go of Semfeld and hopped to his feet. “Elf!”
“Tell, him Cherí.” L’owen rested his hands on his thighs and put his feet on the bottom rungs of the stool. “Tell him before someone gets hurt.” He prepared to leap at the Human before him. He was quite sure that Liverioso was right handed and that his partner had an old injury to his left shoulder. He was also quite sure that he could kill them both within seconds.
“You keep mocking me and thomeone is going to get hurt!” Liverioso balled up his fists. “I died the day she…” He could not bring himself to use the word ‘left’. “… Disappeared from my life.”
“Liverioso, the Assassin Guild found Sage!” Cherí blurted out.
“What?”
“How about we all calm down and have a seat and I can tell you all about it.” Cherí realized that the only bit of information she had was that she was in the town of Cuticle, which she had no idea of its actual location. “Actually, my friend can tell you more about it than I can.”
“Sage?” Almost in a daze, Liverioso moved to a stool and sat. “Found?”
“Yes, we know where she is, Liv.” Cherí put her hand on the Magician’s shoulder. “Semmie, you alright?”
Semfeld nodded at the Gnomess. “Sure, sure. Happens all the time.” He sat up. “Of course, that means I still don’t have anyone to occupy the time of that other gal.” He eyed L’owen.
“She good looking?”
Semfeld nodded at the Elf. “Yeah.”
“Human”
“Uh huh.”
“I thought you were on your way out of town.”
L’owen shrugged at Cherí. “Well, a few hours’ difference in exposing some fake gods won’t make a difference one way or another, I can’t imagine. Good looking, you say?”
“Hair like coal, eyes like the sea on a cool spring day. Skin like alabaster. And tall.”
“Yikes. Count me in.”
“If you two are done preparing to bamboozle those women…”
“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” L’owen leered.
“Where is Sage?”
All eyes turned to Liverioso. Well, Semfeld gave a quick wink and nod to L’owen. Then all eyes were officially on Liverioso.
“She’s in a town called Cuticle.”
“Cuticle? Get serious.”
“Really, it’s called Cuticle. It’s not on the maps yet, though.”[10]
“If it’s not on the maps, how am I supposed to find her?” Liverioso leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “I’ll never find her… again.”
“It’s simple, Liv, really it is,” assured Cherí. “Right?”
L’owen nodded. “Sure, sure. The town is at the base of the Devil’s Thumb, a mountain south of the Riatoh Bronze Mines.”
Cherí looked at L’owen. “He can’t miss it, right?”
“Not likely,” said L’owen. “It is one of the tallest peaks in the region. When you get within a couple day’s ride, you can’t miss it because it looks like a giant thumb.”
“A thumb?” Liverioso didn’t pick his head up. “I am looking for a thumb.”
“Well, it’s a butte, really. It will look like a massive black mountain with the top cut off. The town is situated at the base of it. It’s not a really big town so finding her shop won’t be difficult once you are there.”
Liverioso finally picked his head up. “What kind of shop?”
“Novelties.”
Liverioso let out a long sigh. “Sage sells novelties. You hear that Semfeld?”
“I heard, buddy. I heard.” Semfeld smiled at his friend. “And we’ll just go find her. The two of us together.”
“Tomorrow would be a good time to start I think.”
Cherí hit L’owen.
“Hey! If our esteemed Magician here has made a date with a local gal, it would be impolite to just stand her up.”
“You’re a real gentleman.”
“It’s one of my better qualities, so I’ve been told.”
Liverioso hopped out of the stool. He kissed Cherí. Then L’owen. Semfeld was too far away because he was still sitting on the floor. “This is the best news ever! I need to go pack!” He bolted up the stairs.
“I think he’s going to leave right now if he gets the chance,” said Semfeld. “Where exactly is this town?”
L’owen looked around the room then pointed at a far corner. “It’s that way about six day’s travel by beast.”
Semfeld frowned. “Across the Shambler Plains and Troll country. That will be the journey to Niflheim.”
“You heading out now then?”
Semfeld shook his head. “We need to make arrangements before we just head out on a trip like that. Locate beasts. Get supplies. And a wagon, I think.”
“And someone to take care of the shop,” reminded Cherí.
Semfeld looked around. “That is also something we need to deal with.” He stifled a grin. “So it may indeed be tomorrow before we head out.”
L’owen chuckled. “Well, I’ll be heading to the Duck Inn and Dine if you need… a partner.”
“Males.” Cherí scowled.
“Hey, we can’t all be romantics.” L’owen pointed upwards where Liverioso could be heard pulling drawers out and letting them hit the floor.
“He’s romantical enough for the two of us,” said Semfeld.
“I suppose.” Cherí shook her head. “Well, I’m going to talk to Colossus and Akita about the upcoming influx of…” She glanced at L’owen. “Unromantic types.”
“That’s a broad brush.”
Semfeld dusted off his breeches as he stood. He nodded at the Elf. “Mainly because she’s a broad.”
Cherí hit Semfeld. Hard.
“Sorry. I taught her that,” offered L’owen to the doubled over Semfeld.
Semfeld waved off the Elf then he put his hands on his knees. “Not… first time… happened.”
Cherí shrugged. “That is true.” She moved to the do
or. “Let us leave these males to their plans, oh lecherous one.”
No one moved for a moment.
L’owen startled. “Oh, she means me!” He gave Semfeld a wink. “Duck Inn and Dine if you need me.”
Door opened for Cherí.
“Thanks Door,” she said. “At least you are still above board and honorable.”
Door rattled his latch, sure that Cherí was unaware of the torrid affair going on between itself and Maca’s coat rack.
“So the Duck Inn, huh?”
L’owen nodded. “Figured I’d get a drink and a snack and listen to what the locals have to say. See if there are any jobs to be had. Want to come with?”
Cherí shook her head. “I think I might stop by the Constabulary and see how Colossus’ day is going.”
L’owen smiled. “Give him my regards. And if I don’t see you before I leave town...” He held his arms out wide and moved to hug Cherí. “It was very nice seeing you, and it really and truly does this old Elf’s cold heart good to see you doing so well with your new family.”
Cherí smiled. “It was good seeing you too.”
With that, L’owen let go of the Gnomess and walked off, angling toward the side of the street so that he was only exposed on one side.
Cherí watched her old teacher for a moment, then with a smile, headed towards the Constabulary.
As soon as Door closed, Liverioso bounded back down the stairs. He had a large suitcase tucked under his arm. Clothes were sticking out of it where they wouldn’t all fit inside. “Semfeld, I’m ready! We need to go find her now. NOW!”
‘But we’re supposed to be running the shop for the Gnomes. We promised them that.”
“You know I don’t ask you for a lot. Really I don’t. I know we promised to run the shop but this is Sage! Sage! We need to go!”
“I don’t know, Liv.”
“Remember when we were freezing to death and we combined our bedrolls to survive the night?”
“You promised to never bring that up again. Ever.”
“Well now I am. That is as important as this.”
Semfeld looked around the shop. A thought occurred to him. “Hey! Where did Cherí say Cuticle was?”
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 7