Grimbledung stuck out his tongue. “Gross. And coming from me, that’s saying a lot.” One of the drops trickled down his cheek.
“Just don’t get it in your mouth…” Started the Dwarf.
Grimbledung absently licked it off. “Yaa!”
“Gross,” said Drimblerod.
Grimbledung clambered to his feet.
“Uh oh,” said the Dwarf
“I don’t feel so good all of a sudden!” He thrust his hands in the air. “Hey now, I don’t like this at all!” He exclaimed. “Just what are the effects of…” Grimbledung started to say.
He wasn’t in any condition to finish his sentence.
Because he was petrified.
Chapter 29
Mark the Plan with a B
For Pinky and Me
“There he is,” said Julie as she pointed at a figure that was several hundred yards away. “That’s him.”
Nulu squinted. “You sure that’s him?”
Julie nodded. “I know my man.” She drew her wand and raised it skyward. She flicked and swished it (it is, really, the most effective way to use a wand), sending several red sparkles into the air. At about twenty feet, they exploded with a loud rapport. The far off figure turned to look. He gave a wave then began to run toward them.
“Nice attention getter you have there.”
“Thanks. It’s all in the swish.”
The two watched as Pinky ran toward them. As he got closer, Nulu realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
“Doesn’t that guy ever wear a shirt?”
Julie shrugged. “Shirts are overrated.”
Pinky waved again as he ran. Since it was out of his usual ponytail, his hair billowed in the breeze, trailing behind him. He lifted the sledgehammer he was still carrying and tossed it from his right to his left hand, never missing a step. His muscles bulged as he did so.
“Is he wearing his little brother’s pants? Seem awfully tight.” Remarked Nulu.
“They fit just fine as far as I’m concerned.”
Nulu shook her head. Truth be told, he was a fine specimen of Human manhood. As if on cue, Pinky raised the sledgehammer, latissimus dorsi muscles flaring out as he held the hammer above his head. He smiled wide, white teeth gleaming. It seemed as if he were running in slow motion.
“Is he running in slow motion? How does he do that?”
“Who cares?”
Finally, Pinky reached the two females.
“How do you run in slow motion yet still cover a lot of ground?”
Julie glanced at Nulu. “Ever see sausage being made?”
Nulu stuck out her tongue. “No. And from what I hear, I don’t want to.”
“Do you still eat it?”
“Well sure,” admitted Nulu. “Tasty things, sausage.”
“This is kind of the same thing; don’t worry how it’s done, just enjoy the scrumptious results.”
“I’m standing right here you know,” said Pinky. He hefted the sledgehammer to his shoulder. “You just call me over to ogle?”
“Yes,” said Julie.
“No,” said Nulu. She smiled. “Well, not entirely.” She gave a wink. “Speaking of sausage... Does your little brother know…”?
Julie elbowed Nulu. “What Nulu was going to ask was if you would help us with a problem.”
Pinky smiled. “I’m always available to help.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Within the reason of my lovely girl, that is.”
“There’s no reasoning with her, lately.” Remarked Nulu.
Pinky grinned. “Lately?”
Julie poked Pinky in the ribs. “That’s enough out of you, mister. What my esteemed associate was getting at, is that we need help with dealing with Opus von Magnus.”
Pinky rubbed his chin. “Well, I have that job coming up that’s got a basement, remember?” He flexed. “Unless you want his head knocked off.”
“Yes!” Said Nulu. “First that second one, then the first one!”
“No,” said Julie. “To both.” She considered that for a moment. “Well, let’s save them; it’s always important to have a ‘plan b’. We are hoping to find someone to run against Opus.”
“Why don’t you just run against him?”
Julie nodded. “That’s what I said.”
“Oh no, you’re not roping me into that gig. Running an inn is what I’m doing with my life right now.” Nulu pointed at Julie. “You’re the politician around here.”
Julie shook her head. “You know I’m through with politics.” She thumbed toward the windmill. “I want to concentrate on my school. Do some expanding before the town completely blocks me in.” She sighed. “I just took the job because the Halflings were going to attack and I wanted to make sure we were organized enough to put up some sort of resistance. I did promise that after the crisis was over, I would have proper elections. And the crisis is over.” She stifled a smile. “You should run, Nulu.”
“Next suggestion, if you please.” Nulu waved her hand. “Moving along to next suggestion. Or we’ll implement ‘plan b’.”
“So what’s the problem you need me for?” Pinky let the sledgehammer drop to the ground and he leaned against the handle. “The crisis is over and now there is going to be election.” He smiled. “If you could actually get the election council to actually establish a date for one. Just let Opus run uncontested and your problem is solved, right?”
“Have you been listening to what that crackpot has been saying?”
“Now that you mention it, Nulu, I haven’t seen Grimbledung in a while.”
Nulu glanced at Julie. “Could you do something to get your man under control?”
“Yeah, Julie. What can you do to get your man under control?” Pinky waggled his eyebrows.
“You know if she were some sort of elected official that would help.”
“You mean like being on the city council?” Pinky grinned.
“I was thinking of something with more power.” Nulu scrunched up her face. “Some sort of elected position where they are in charge of everything in town.”
“They have that?”
“I think they might,” Nulu said.
Julie looked from Nulu to Pinky and back. “If you two are through.”
Nulu nodded. “I’m done.” She smirked. “I think you are too, mister.”
Pinky grinned. “Yeah, something tells me I am as well.”
“I’m serious here. We need someone to run against Opus Magnus. That guy is dangerous.”
“Well, what do you want me to do…” Pinky’s eyes got large. “Wait; you’re not suggesting that I run against him, are you?”
Nulu perked up. “You’re well liked, you’d look good on a poster, and you have all your teeth. Why not?” She poked him in the chest “You’d have to wear a shirt more often though.”
Pinky shook his head. “I’m not a politician.” He looked around suspiciously. “I’ve got skeletons.” He said in a loud whisper.
“What; in basements and walls?”
Pinky shook his head at Nulu. “Those are corpses. They’re not any worry.” He looked around again. “I mean actual bone-clattering skeletons.”
“What; with swords and everything?”
“I think they are classified as sabers, technically.” Pinky picked up the sledgehammer and held it out as if it were a sword... or a sabre. “You see if the blade has a certain curve then it’s considered…”
“Pinky, we’re being serious,” interrupted Nulu.
“So is he.” Julie shrugged. “You know, I’ve met Harry and Hausen and they are mostly harmless, really.”
“Wait… Skeletons?”
Pinkie nodded. “Second cousins one removed, I think it is. Half a dozen in all. Those two are alright, I suppose.” He pointed over his shoulder. “They’re actually out on an adventure, last I heard. They set up a free company and picked up a gig to guard some treasure that is supposed to remain distinctly unlooted. It’s a pretty good gig since it’s hidden underground and
the odds are that no one will ever manage to even find it. It’s a six-month stint.”
“Skeletons guarding treasure?”
Pinky nodded. “It’s their main staple, really. And since it was straight guild-work, they had to take the gig.”
Nulu grinned. “Well if they’re respectable, why can’t you run?”
Pinky paused for a moment. “They’d show up, want to vote. Crash the election party.” He grinned “And those guys can really put down some drinks. Start fights. Oh, and generally creep people out.”
“That’s absurd.”
“It’s true and...” He let the sledgehammer thump on the ground. “I don’t wanna run. I really don’t wanna.”
“Fine then. Think of someone who would be good to run against him. There’s got to be a businessman you’ve dealt with that would do a good job.” Nulu snapped her fingers. “What about the guy who runs the hat shop by Pozz? He seems respectable enough.”
Pinky shook his head. “Pozzuoli is buying him out, last I heard. Mamma is going to run the hat shop. Old Pozz is looking like he’s building himself a business district.”
“I don’t think that’s too good for healthy economic competition.”
Pinky shrugged at Julie. “Not my concern. All I do is make sure the roof doesn’t leak. The mayor’ll have to deal with a syndicate starting up. Or mayoress.”
Julie shuddered. “Well we need someone who can do that and stand up to Magnus von stupidous in a debate.”
“That would be helpful; you can’t stick a candidate up there who he’ll eat alive,” Nulu said.
“And they should be someone that is well known by the rabble of town,” offered Pinky.
“The rabble?”
Pinky nodded at Nulu. “Sure, sure; there’s always way more of them than respectable folk. So you need someone they know.” Pinky grinned. “Say…”
“But if you get someone who runs the back alleys, then they are probably not going to be trustworthy enough to run the town properly.”
“Oh, I think there are folk that dip their feet on both sides of that puddle.” Pinky smiled wider. “You know…”
Julie shook her head. “But to find someone like that on such short notice and to make sure they are vetted so we don’t elect a criminal wanted in some other town. That’s asking a lot.”
“Well, we better find him soon or that guy will win by default.”
“Not necessarily a him,” said Pinky. “Anyone who is known by a lot of folks, liked by them even and that could perhaps hit old Magnus on the head if he gets out of line in a debate would work.”
“What?” Julie looked at Pinky.
Pinky picked up his sledgehammer. “Oh yeah, someone adept at bonking out-of-liners in the head, that doesn’t take any gruff from anyone, and that lots of folks see on a weekly if not daily basis.” He paused for a moment. “Yes?”
“Who?” Julie and Nulu asked together.
“Why, our own Flora O. Willowfeet of course.” Pinky took a small bow. “You’re welcome.”
Julie and Nulu looked at each other.
“Flora definitely doesn’t take to being pushed around, that’s for sure.” Said Nulu.
“And she is pretty well known. Especially by the rabble.” Agreed Julie.
“And, as an added bonus,” said Pinky, “she has all her teeth and would look darned cute on a poster.”
Both females stared at Pinky.
“Well then.” Pinky held his sledgehammer to his forehead as a salute. “I’m going back to pounding pegs.” He winked. “Gotta lay out that foundation for that plan b in case you can’t talk Flora into it.”
“Off with you then,” Julie shoo’ed him with the end of her wand. It cast out some red sparkles as she did. “Back to working up a sweat.”
Pinky winked and ran off. “See you tonight, dearest,” he called over his shoulder.
Julie hesitated for a moment, watching him run off. “See you,” she called.
“We going to watch him run off or you want to see what that crazy Dwarf is up to on our way to talking Flora into running?”
Julie turned back to Nulu. “No, no. Let’s go talk to the old cuss. I am still the Mayoress of Julesville for the time being so this is my concern for a while longer anyway.” She smiled. “Then Pozzuoli will have to deal with Flora for matters involving his budding syndicate.”
“That poor Dwarf.”
“He’ll get what’s coming to him.”
“Speaking of what’s coming to him,” said Julie, “is Akita sure that the shop will return before those Elves? I don’t think we can stall them when they arrive.”
“Akita said that Maca told him in a dream that the shop would return before the Elves.” Nulu shrugged. “If we can’t believe... whatever Maca is, then we’ve got bigger troubles.”
“I suppose so.” Julie exhaled. “Well, we won’t worry about that then. Let’s just go see Pozzuoli.”
The two turned and made their way to Everything in Between. In a testament of her dedication to her position, Julie only turned to look over her shoulder once at Pinky as they left.
So did Nulu.
Chapter 30
He’s a Stone Hearted Gnome
“Oh come on!” Drimblerod looked at his now stone partner. “This is just re-Gnomed-diculous.”
“I tried to warn him.”
“What’d you do to my partner!” Drimblerod rushed to Grimbledung’s side. “You’ve killed him!”
“It wasn’t me!” The Dwarf pointed at himself. “It was the antidote for that hot jerky is all.” He pointed at Grimbledung. “He shouldn’t be asking for hot foods that he can’t handle.”
“Can you help him?” Drimblerod grabbed his partner’s arm and tugged it. It was solid stone. “This looks serious!”
“Well, the effects could be temporary.”
“Petrification is temporary?”
The Dwarf came around the counter. “Well, it can be.”
“Can be? He looks dead.”
“Well, maybe yes, maybe no.” He stifled a chuckle.
“This isn’t a laughing matter!”
The Dwarf straightened his smile. “He is either dead or he’s not dead.”
“Well, those are the only two possibilities.” Drimblerod let go of Grimbledung’s arm. He tapped him on the head. “It’s an either-or kind of condition.”
The Dwarf shook his head. “No, no. You see the Witch’s Milk will either kill you, or petrify you. For thirty minutes or so.”
“Thirty minutes?”
“Well, if it doesn’t kill you. So we just need to see which is which.”
“Well, thirty minutes is probably enough for a full game of checkers. Wonder what that gondolier is going to think of that.”
“What?”
“It’s nothing.” Drimblerod let out a sigh. “So if he is dead, dead, what should we do?” He narrowed his eyes. “And don’t say check his pockets for loose change.”
The Dwarf smiled. “Course not; they’re petrified too.” When Drimblerod balled up his fists, he raised his hands. “Now, now. I suppose there is a shop that might be able to help.” The Dwarf rubbed his chin. “The East Orchard Herbs and Fruit Shipment Company could help.”
“Fruit shipment and herbs?”
“Diversification is the key to success in business.”[21]
“Thanks for that tip.” Drimblerod frowned. “Is the cure expensive?”
“Yes; of course it is expensive, why don’t we just wait and see what happens.”
“While we wait, why don’t you tell me what kind of additional deal can you make me on the jerky since you killed my partner?”
“He might only be temporarily dead. Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
“He’d petrified! What conclusion should I jump to? That’s as bad as dead.”
“No, not at all.”
“How is this better?”
“Well, he’s not aging anymore and there’s a chance he might make it back so he’s gett
ing some free time on us. Possibly. So that’s good, right?”
Drimblerod turned to face Paul. “Now, just a moment here!” He put his hands on his hips. “This is definitely not acceptable. I can’t travel with a petrified partner.”
“Well, it is quieter all of a sudden.” Paul smirked.
Drimblerod looked at his partner. “So how long do we have to wait to see if this permanent again?” He tapped Grimbledung’s head.
Paul tugged on his beard. “Well, since he’s a Gnome, it’s probably definitely not permanent. If he were Human, he’d be out of luck. Any Humans in his family tree?”
Drimblerod shook his head. “Just a Dwarf somewhere in the branches is the best I’ve been able to determine.”
“Well, he’ll probably be fine in under thirty minutes. Most likely.”
“Thirty minutes?” Drimblerod pointed at Grimbledung. “What am I supposed to do until then? You want I leave him here?”
“No!” Said Paul, almost too quickly. He looked around his shop. “He’d spook the customers, I think. How about I loan you a wheel barrow and you can just take him along.” He gave a nod. “Honestly, in probably thirty minutes, he’ll be good as…” He looked at Grimbledung. “Well, as he normally is.”
Drimblerod frowned.
“I’ll even toss in a burlap sack you can put over him so no one gawks.”
“Does he know what happened to him?” Drimblerod looked into his partner’s surprised eyes. “Or what’s going on now?”
“I don’t believe so. I’ve never heard anyone say they did.” Paul moved from behind the counter. “As far as he knows, he will just instantly jump from being here to wherever you have him sitting when he un-petrifies.” He shrugged. “You know; he’d work quite well in a garden or by a palm tree.” He pointed at a corner. “That wheelbarrow will do just fine, I’d think.”
“Fine, fine.” Drimblerod exhaled. “And the sack as well, if you please.”
Paul nodded as he tossed a large burlap sack into the wheelbarrow. “So where are you staying so I can get my barrow back? And this high quality burlap sack.”
Drimblerod opened his mouth, then closed it. “I’m not sure actually. Our partner went to procure us a room for the night while we got supplies.” A thought occurred to him. “Say, can we pay for the goods now and then pick them up in the morning so they don’t get stolen at whatever inn we stay at?”
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 16