“I really need some apples,” said the woman. “I’m trying to wrap up a long term project…”
Paul nodded at her. “Right away.” He turned to the Gnomes. “So stop by in the morning and I’ll even help you load the wagon.”
“That sounds good to me, Paul.” He gestured at his partner. “I’ll just collect my partner and we’ll be on our way.”
The pair left the mercantile, heading toward what they hoped was a nice comfortable, affordable room for the night for a restful evening.
Besides comfortable, it wasn’t any of those things.
Chapter 32
Close Encounters at the Devil’s Thumb
Semfeld and Liverioso appeared in a flash of red light.
Semfeld threw up.
So did Liverioso.
Then Semfeld threw up again.
Liverioso fell over. “Now I see why that’s not a popular way of travel,” he said.
Semfeld held his stomach. “Good thing we did that on an empty stomach.” He dry heaved. “Gads!”
Liverioso sat up. “Exactly. Make a note for our return trip; no eating beforehand.”
Semfeld extended his hand to his partner. “Let’s go find that novelty shop, partner.”
Liverioso grabbed Semfeld’s hand and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. “My thoughts ex-thactly!”
The pair looked up and down the street. The people who were walking about were furiously trying to not make eye contact with the two sick-to-their-stomachs Humans who has just appeared in the middle of the street.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” said Semfeld.
The woman looked at the other side of the street as she picked up her pace.
“Could you direct us toward...” Liverioso said to a Dwarf as he approached. The Dwarf made a sharp turn and moved to the far side of the street.
Semfeld spied a friendly looking Gnomess. “Excusemeareyoufamiliarwithanynoveltyshopsnearby?” He said quickly as the female moved past. He frowned when she picked up her pace. “Maybe we should move away from our... mess.”
Liverioso pointed down the street. “Let’s move toward the center of town. That’s where I’d want my business.”
The pair began walking toward what they felt was the center of town- toward the looming black walls of the Devil’s Thumb. The cross streets curved in either direction as they walked down the street- the town was set up like spokes on a wagon wheel with radiating cross streets.
After almost a half hour of ambling along, the walls of the butte loomed ahead of them. “You think she’s on a side street?” Semfeld looked left and right. Since the side streets were curved, it was difficult to see very far down them.
“Hey!” Liverioso exclaimed. Semfeld turned to look at his partner- Liverioso was looking the other way. “Hey you kids!”
Semfeld looked in the same direction as his partner. Four youths were walking in their general direction.
“I have a question for you kids,” continued Liverioso. He put on a friendly smile. “Say, you fine youngsters know where I could go to buy some magic novelties?”
“What’s a novelty?” Asked one of the youths- a Human.
“It’s those fake things like those glasses that are supposed to let you see through clothes but they don’t. Or those little Sea Apes® that aren’t apes at all,” explained another Human child.
“What about Magic Marbles?” said the Gnomeling. “Those are pretty neat.”
The first youth perked up. “Those are the only thing worth buying.”
The other Human youth tilted his head. “You sure those Sea Apes® aren’t real? They look real on the box.”
“I bought them once. They didn’t look like the package at all.” The first Human frowned. “Even after about a month they looked like little shrimp.”
“What’d you do with them?”
Semfeld looked back and forth as the two discussed Sea Apes®.
“I fed them to my cat.”
“What’d your cat...”
“Listen kids,” interrupted Semfeld. “I am sure the story of the wholesale slaughter of your Sea Apes® is exciting and all, but we are looking for a novelty shop.”
“Did you lose your novelty?” Asked the Gnomeling.
“No, I did not lose my novelty!”
“Well that’s good to hear.” The Gnomeling waggled his ears. “You know, they don’t usually accept returns.”
“That’s why I fed those Sea Apes to my cat.”
Liverioso shook his fists. “Gaaa! I just want to know where there is a novelty shop!”
“What are you looking for? That’d help us know where to send you.”
Liverioso exhaled slowly. “So where could I go to buy some Magic Marbles?”
“I’d try a novelty shop,” the Gnomeling deadpanned. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “If I were you.”
Liverioso looked at his partner. “What is it with Gnomes? They feed them tainted milk when they’re young?”
“Hey now,” said the Gnomeling. “You casting aspersions on my mother’s...”
“Don’t say it,” warned Semfeld.
“I thought we were okay.” The Gnomeling furrowed his brow. “We’re not?”
“No; we’re not. So where is the novelty shop in town?”
“There’s just one?” Asked one of the Human kids.
“I suppose,” Liverioso said to him.
“I thought there were a couple at least,” said another Human youth. “Maybe five or six even.”
“There are; there’s that one over on Knuckle Lane,” the Gnomeling pointed off to the side. “And that one on Ring Road,” he pointed the other direction. “Right?”
One of the Humans nodded. “What about that one over on Phalanges?” He pointed in a completely opposite direction. “Then that place at the end of Franch Tippe.”
“You’re kidding me,” said Liverioso. “Four?”
“Oh, right” said the Human youth, “there’s that one over on Forefinger Circle. Thanks. Forgot about that one.”
“Come on.” Semfeld said. “How many novelty shops are there in this town? And why are there so many of them here?”
The Gnomeling shrugged. “Probably because of the factory, I suppose.”
“You’re getting on my nerves, kid,” said Semfeld.
“There’s a novelty factory in town?” Asked Liverioso.
“They don’t grow on trees you know,” said the Gnomeling. “Except for divining rods, technically speaking.”
“Excuse me,” interrupted a figure in a green cloak. The hood was pulled up, obscuring the person’s face.
“What, you going to tell me about another shop?” Liverioso asked. “You work at the factory or something?”
“Not at all,” the figure shook his head. “My business has nothing to do with novelties.”
“So go about your non-novelty business,” Liverioso said, “we’re busy.”
“Great, thanks. I’d love to go about my business.” The figure pulled back his hood revealing a tanned face and close-cropped beard. He raised an eyebrow at Liverioso. “Just say when.”
“Well, go to it then.” Semfeld shooed the Human off.
“Well, I suppose that’s my cue.” The Human pointed at him. “You’re under arrest.” He smirked. “And your pal as well.”
“What?”
“What?”
“Good luck to you!” Said the Gnomeling. “Let’s go fellas!”
The youths quickly left.
“Well then, where were we...” The Sherriff smiled. “Oh right; you’re both under arrest.”
“What for, Sherriff?” Liverioso put his hands on his hips.
“Creating a public nuisance.”
“Just because we talked to some kids?”
The Sherriff narrowed his eyes. “And flagrant littering.”
“Oh.”
“Well, we can explain that,” said Semfeld.
“We can definitely discuss that,”
said the Sherriff.
“Great!”
“Down at the jailhouse.” The Sherriff pointed down a side street. “That way, gentlemen.”
“But... but...” Liverioso stammered.
“You keep giving eloquent rebuttals like that and I’m liable to let you go.”
“Really?” Semfeld perked up.
“No.”
Semfeld perked down.
Liverioso grabbed the Sherriff by the shoulders. “But you can’t arrest us! We just got here and I’m looking for my long lost love!”
“Well, that’s a better speech, I’ll give you that.” The man looked at Liverioso’s hands. “How about you explain it from a little farther away?”
Liverioso let go of the man. “You see, years ago I was at this wedding as a young man and I met the most wonderful girl.” He let out a long sigh. “She was just wonderful.”
“And that pertains to now, how?”
“Well, we lost track of each other and then my friend who is an assassin said she could...”
“Your friend the assassin?”
Liverioso nodded. “Sure, what’s wrong with having a friend as an assassin?”
“Nothing at all. I just didn’t figure you as someone who had friends. Much less female ones.”
Liverioso stared at the man.
The Sherriff smiled. “Go on with your story then.”
“She... my friend the assassin... put out a request for assistance from any assassins that knew where my long lost love was. And after just a little bit of time, the assassin network said that she was here.” He grabbed the lawman by the shoulders again and shook him. “She. Is. Here!” Realizing he had grabbed the man again, he quickly let go. “Sorry. She is here,” he said meekly.
The Sherriff rubbed his eyes. “So this long lost love of yours. Does she...” He paused and looked to Semfeld. “Want to be found?”
Semfeld opened his mouth then closed it. “Well, I imagine so,” he finally said.
“Of course she wants to be found!” Liverioso said, louder than he wanted to. “She is the love of my life!”
“And does this wonderfully wonderful love of your life have a name?”
“Sage.”
The Sherriff stared at Liverioso. “Sage.”
Liverioso crossed his arms. “She is from a family of herbalists. It is a good and proper name, I’ll have you know.”
“Oh, I know.” The Sherriff pointed at him. “So you’re here to take Sage away, or are you staying here with her?”
Liverioso considered that for a moment. “Well, I am hoping she will be willing to come with me to Julesville.”
The Sherriff nodded. “Well, maybe I can help persuade her. She was on my list of people to see today anyway.”
Semfeld narrowed his eyes. “Is she is some kind of trouble?”
The Sherriff waved noncommittally. “Who said anything about trouble?”
“You did. Just now.”
The Sherriff grinned. “You have me mistaken for someone else, methinks.”
“Ithinks you should quit with the attempts at humor and we should go to Sage’s shop,” said Liverioso. “If you know where it is.”
“Oh, I know.” The Sherriff pointed. “She’s up Devil’s Spine, on the left.” He started walking. “Follow me, gents.”
Liverioso put his arm around his partner. “We’re going to her, Semfeld! He squeezed Semfeld’s shoulder. “Going to her now.”
Semfeld put his arm around Liverioso. “It’s been a long time coming, partner. You really need to make sure you thank Cherí for finding her.”
“She’ll get magic marbles for life!”
The Sherriff looked over his shoulder at the pair of magicians. He shook his head and looked forward again. As he walked, he tore a sign from a pole.
“What’s that?” Liverioso asked.
“Lost cat.”
“You find it or something?”
The Sherriff again turned to look at the pair. “Nope. Never do.”
“So you stop looking for them?”
“I never look for them. I just pull down the signs after about a week.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“How far is her shop?” Asked Semfeld. “Are you sure she’s even open now?”
“She’s open. If it’s light out she’s open.” He turned and looked at Liverioso. “You know she’s...” He let his sentence trail off.
“She’s what?” Liverioso asked.
“Yeah, what?” Added Semfeld.
After a moment, the Sherriff shrugged. “Open for business, of course.”
“Well then let’s go.” Liverioso sped up to get beside the Sherriff. “What are we waiting for?”
“Well, most likely we are waiting to get to the next intersection which is Devil’s Spine, then we’re going to wait to meet her until we walk up that street a good ways and go into her shop on the left.”
“So do you actually make any money with your comedy?”
“I get a free drink at open talk night at the FestHammer Saloon and Bistro. Want to hear my routine?”
Liverioso frowned. “Maybe we should try jogging to get there faster.”
The Sherriff shrugged but continued to walk at the same pace.
When they reached the intersection, they turned onto Devil’s Spine and walked uphill for a good ways. Finally the Sherriff stopped in front of a shop. “Here we are. Sage and Coriander’s Shop of Magic and Herbs.”
“Coriander?” Liverioso asked. “Who’s that?”
The Sherriff worked the latch on the door and walked in. He turned to face Liverioso. “Her husband, of course.”
Chapter 33
Yea Olde Vulgar Unicorn?
Drimblerod and Grimbledung walked down the street. “Busy town. If we ever sell a franchise, it should go here,” remarked Grimbledung. “Hey, is that the place?” He pointed at a large Inn. “The one with the horse with the spike in his head?”
“That’s a Unicorn.”
“Those are real?”
“Well, it’s on the sign either way. I don’t think that’s the place; should be a Minotaur.” As they got closer, Drimblerod was able to read the name under the sign. “Oh no. No. We are not going in there.”
“Why not? That there Unicorn looks like he’s having a good old time. You sure that’s not the Minotaur Tail and they haven’t updated the sign?”
“No; it’s Yea Olde Vulgar Unicorn. Says so right there at the bottom of the sign.”
“Maybe someone named Vul Gar is the proprietor and it’s really a polite unicorn?”
“No, that’s not it at all,” said Drimblerod. “We are not going in there.”
Grimbledung perked up an ear. “Sounds like a lot of people in there having a good time. Let’s go in and see what Mister Gar has going on for entertainment.”
“No.”
“But...” Grimbledung looked longingly at the sign. “But, I wanna go in! Imagine the tales we’d hear!”
Drimblerod shook his head. “Absolutely, positively not.”
“But... But why?” Grimbledung hopped up and down. “I wanna go in!”
“We’d end up infringing like no one’s business.” He looked around. “We’re probably just over the edge as it is.” He rubbed his head. “I feel a headache coming on.”
“Sounds like you need a dose of Asprin.”
“There you go. Right there. Just stop it.” Warned Drimblerod. “We’re going to stay a good four blocks from this place, just to be sure.”
Grimbledung pouted. “Fine, fine. We’d probably be in fool’s company in there anyway.”
“Stop it this instant! You keep tempting Fate like that and you’ll end up with shingles or something.”
“That’s just a myth.” Grimbledung waved his hand dismissively. “And shingles are a myth nomer if I ever heard one.”
“Move it.” Drimblerod pointed down the street. “Rat said we were looking for a Minotaur’s Tail.”
“They’re
usually right at the end of them, from what I remember. Opposite the horns.” Grimbledung waggled his ears. “I’ll keep my eyes open for a Minotaur’s buttocks that will indicate that the tail is hanging around nearby.
“I can’t imagine that’s what’s on the sign, Grim.”
“Well fine; the last thing I want to do is cause trouble.”
“I find that hard to belie…Ah-ha! There it is!” Drimblerod pointed to a pair of large horns sticking out of the side of a building on the opposite side of the street. The entire top floor was shaped like the head of a Minotaur. Smoke was even coming out of its nostrils.”
“Wow- talk about curb appeal.”
Drimblerod nodded. “Well, let’s see if the insides are as good as the outsides.”
“Of what; a Minotaur? My experience is that the insides of any beast are not as appealing as the outsides. Unless you’re making chitterlings, that is.”
“I see you’re in rare form tonight. Let’s see how this goes.” He gestured toward the door and gave a short bow. “After you.”
“I don’t mind if I do.” Grimbledung puffed out his chest and charged into the Minotaur’s Tale. “Here we go!”
“Here we go,” repeated Drimblerod (though without the same zeal) as he followed his friend in.
Chapter 34
Drinks in the Minotaur Tale
The entire first floor of the establishment was one large room. A corner was set up as an open kitchen with a large roaring fire. Several types of meat were on slow-rotating skewers and boiling pots were sitting on grates. In a far corner, four haggard looking minstrels played background music.
“Gads, it smells great in here.” Grimbledung inhaled deeply. “How much money we got left?”
“A couple of silver is all.” Drimblerod pointed to the bar. “We’re getting just a drink each then heading upstairs to get some rest.”
“Just one drink?”
“Yes, so make it last.”
“Hey, there’s Rat!” Grimbledung pointed at the counter. “Or at least a rat. Let’s go say hello.”
Drimblerod shook his head. “I can see us running out of town just ahead of a massive bar tab.”
“That sounds exciting, you want to do that?”
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 18