Grimbledung toasted her with his mug, then finished it off. “Woo. Not sure how I’m going to get home.” He leered at Nulu. “Say, you waanna tuck me under your arm for old time’s sake?” He pointed at the now-dozing Drimblerod. “One per side even.”
“Once was enough, really.” She smiled at Pinky. “You want the experience?”
“Their place is on the way to ours.” Pinky stood. “I suppose I can. Julie, you ready?”
“No groping,” warned Nulu.
“Yeah! No taking advantage of an inebriated Gnome! Bad form, that.”
“No, Grimbledung; I meant you of him.”
Grimbledung waggled his ears. “What if he asks for it?”
“I won’t. Promise.”
Nulu stood as well. “Now we just have this hefty bar tab to deal with. I think we’ve drunk a couple gold’s worth tonight.” She nudged Drimblerod.
“Wha- what?”
“We decided you were paying the tab.”
“Fine, fine. I got a couple of coin with me.” Drimblerod stood groggily and reached into his belt pouch. He pulled out several coins and let them clatter onto the table.
Everyone at the table stared.
So did several patrons at nearby tables.
“Uh, Drim. I think five platinum is a little much. Unless you’re buying the entire place.” Said Julie. “Gads, now I want Akita to walk us home as well.”
Drimblerod dug in his belt pouch again, rummaged around then dumped some more coins on the table. “Better?”
Now several patrons stood.
Nulu quickly leaned over and retrieved eight platinum coins and several gold ones, leaving two gold coins and two silver. “That’s better.” She started to put the coins in her own pocket when Julie cleared her throat. “Oh come on, you know they drink and eat for practically free every time they come in. They did the same in Aution too.”
“Fine, fine,” said Drimblerod. “Call that even.” He squinted. “What’d I hand you anyway?”
“Three gold’s all,” Nulu said. She pocketed the coins quickly. When Julie looked at her wide-eyed she added: “A Gnome I know says that ill-gotten loot is good-gotten loot.”
“Say, that reminds me of a limerick!”
“Tell it on the way, Grim.” Nulu pointed at the door. “Lead the way, traveling poet.”
There once was a bartender named Ted Handy
Who used to drink run like it was candy…
Began Grimbledung as he left…
No one let him finish.
Chapter 61
Counting, Breaking, Bad-ing
Maca entered Second Hand Sorcery. “Morning all.” She said. The front of the shop was open. “Where’s everyone, Door?”
Door rattled its latch.
“Back room. Thanks.” Maca said. “You want me to send over Hattie later today so you don’t have to sneak over?”
Door rattled its latch again. Heartily.
“You got it. About eight then.” Maca smiled at Door then walked to the curtain. She stopped to listen. “This is absolutely ridiculous, you two.” She heard Akita say. “I mean, ridiculous.” The curtain lifted all on its own as she walked in. “Morning all.”
“Morning Maca,” said Akita. He was sitting in front of a pile of coins and gems. It was larger than him.
“Oh dear. I didn’t realize there was so much.”
“Right? How long you think it will be before those dragons come looking for all their loot?”
“Akita, like I told you, we sent them there after we had been in the Lost Picman’s Mine, so they never saw all this stuff,” said Drimblerod. “They seemed pretty happy with what was there still.”
“See? Nothing to worry about.” Grimbledung twirled in a long, very tattered looking cloak. “And as an added bonus, we found all these neat clothes as well!”
“Yes, I can see how that’s the best part of this haul,” said Maca.
“What about the folks that work there? I’d like to think one of them would notice this much missing lootage,” Akita said.
Drimblerod considered that. “Well, the Pixies didn’t seem too keen on counting it. It would probably be the Ogres but now that those two Dragons are there, they have no need to be going in there now. I would like to think, anyway.”
“And the dragons?” Maca asked.
“Well, they seemed reasonable.”
“If you get a chance to reason with them,” Akita replied. “Dragons tend to be a flame first, ask questions later kind of creature.” He looked at Maca. “What do you think?”
Maca closed her eyes for a moment. “Hmmm.” She said. “I don’t think dragons are your biggest worry.”
“Really? That’s a relief!” Grimbledung took the robe off and picked up a tattered shirt. “So what will be?”
The back door of the room burst open and five skeletons piled in. “Ah ha! Now we have you!” Harry said as he flourished his sabre.
“Rolton chips, Maca; don’t feed him lines like that!” Drimblerod shook his head. “I’ve got enough troubles as it is.”
“Everyone stand still!” Said one of the Skeletons.
Drimblerod gestured at them. “Case in point.”
“Nuts.” Said Akita. “Get Pinky over here quick like, Maca. We’ll try to hold them off until you get back.”
“You little thieves!” Yelled Hausen. “You stinking little thieves!”
Drimblerod clambered over the side of the chest of holding, disappearing from sight.
“Hey, who you calling little?” Grimbledung pushed up the sleeves on the shirt. “Bones?” He drew his dirk.
“Be right back.” Maca disappeared in a green flash.
“Who you calling bones, meat sack?” Harry slashed his sabre back and forth. “You are a pain in the tail bone, Gnome!”
“I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Gnome.” Wilhelm pointed his sabre at Grimbledung. “For pitching me off that ledge.”
Akita stood. “Alright. Now everyone just rela...”
“Sit, you mangy dog!” Wilhelm said
“Oh, this won’t go well,” said Grimbledung. “Grrr!” He waggled his butt.
“What. Did. You. Call. Me?” Akita loomed above Wilhelm, claws out.
“Well...” Wilhelm said, hesitantly. “Maybe that was a little out of line.” He lowered his saber, “After all, you weren’t...”
Wilhelm shattered as GrimbleWolf pounced on him. “Grrrr!” He said, for good measure.
“Hey, you!” Screamed Hausen. “Get off my cousin!” He advanced on GrimbleWolf, sabre at the ready.
“Grrr?” GrimbleWolf said. He had Wilhelm’s femur in his mouth.
“Leggo my leg!” Wilhelm’s skull said.
Maca appeared in a flash of green light. She had her arm around Pinky.
Akita picked up Harry.
“Hey, hey!” Pinky said. “What is going on here? Calm down, fellas!”
“He started it!” Said Wilhelm’s skull. His hand, that was a few feet away, pointed at Grimbledung.
“Pinky”, Akita put Harry down. “Can you talk some sense into these....”
Hausen stabbed Akita through the chest.
“Akita!” Maca stepped forward. “YOU!” She bellowed as she increased in height.
“Hey now, that hurts!” Akita said. He stepped backward, off Harry’s blade.
“YOOOU!” Maca burst into flames.
“Ahh-oooooh!” GrimbleWolf added for good measure. He dropped Wilhelm’s femur and waggled his butt. “Grrrr!” He turned to face two of the Skeletons.
“Hey there, doggie,” said the one on the left.
“Let’s talk this over,” said the other.
“Grrrr!” said GrimbleWolf; he was having none of it.
“I’m fine, Maca, really I am.” Akita looked down at the blood running down his chest. “It looks worse than it really is.”
“Hausen! Stop stabbing folks!” Pinky stepped forward and took Akita under the arms. “Akita? Are you alright?”
&
nbsp; Akita leaned on Pinky. “Not silver, so I’ll be alright.” He smiled at Maca. “I’ll be fine, Maca.” He looked down. “See the bleeding’s already stopped.”
“Stop stabbing people!” Pinky put his arm under Akita’s arms. “Maca, could you...” He turned to look at Maca. She appeared to be a flaming demon. “Maca?”
“Yes?” Maca’s flames disappeared but her larger-than-life size remained. Her arms bulged. “Akita, are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” Akita waved her off. “Just... Gads woman!” He looked at Pinky. “Could you please talk to those relatives of yours?”
Pinky looked at Hausen. “Let’s talk this over.”
“Fine by me,” said Wilhelm. His upper body was together and his legs were working their way toward the rest of him.
“Everyone just put away their weapons and let’s talk this through.”
“If someone could get me out of this box, I’d appreciate it,” said Drimblerod.
The skeletons moved to the far corner of the room as Akita fished Drimblerod out of the box of holding.
“Alright, if everyone would just remain calm,” Pinky said.
“”We’re always calm,” said Harry. “That’s our middle name.”
“I thought it was Eustis”, said Wilhelm.
Harry bonked Wilhelm on the head. “Quiet you!”
“Both of you be quiet!” Harry poked both Wilhelm and Hausen in their empty eye sockets.”
“And that’s enough of that,” said Maca. She stepped forward- back in her typical form. “There’ll be no more shenanigans from you five.”
The skeletons shuffled their feet. “Yes, Miss Maca.”
“But,” said Wilhelm, “Those two stole the treasure we were supposed to be guarding! That’s bad for business you know!”
“Well, maybe we can work something out,” offered Pinky.
“I can’t see how,” said Hausen.
“We didn’t even get our guild cards punched for that job,” said Harry.
“We lost two whole months of pay!” Wilhelm added.
The other skeletons nodded.
“Well, maybe we can work something out.” Pinky said. He looked at Drimblerod. “Can we work something out?”
Drimblerod pushed up his sleeves. “I am sure we can work something out that is equitable to all parties.”
Grimbledung clinked two platinum coins together. “Let the haggling begin!”
Haggling not seen in thirty-five chapters ensued…
The End
Will the haggling be successful?
Can Grimbledung run an effective, and more importantly, legal campaign?
Can Flora’s run for office survive Grimbledung’s probably not always legal election antics?
Find out in Book 6- It’s the Election, Stupid. Coming December 2016!
To be followed by the long awaited Book 7 Killing Grimbledung. Unless Bill O’Reily sues us.
~~~~~~~
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If you enjoyed this story, please take the time to leave a review at Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk. Cripes- it’s not that hard. Just paste this in:
I am from (insert your home town) and I think Book Five of the Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop series is one of the better books I’ve read while living here and/or eating breakfast. I am looking forward to more stories by Robert P. Wills and I hope he visits (insert your home town) for a book signing. Especially if he buys the drinks. Even if it’s just coffee.
There- that wasn’t so hard, was it?
And if you haven’t yet, please review the first four books in the series. You did read those first right? Right?! Just change those to the appropriate book number and paste away!
Review Book 1:
On Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk. Or on GoodReads.
Review Book 2:
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Review Book 3:
On Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk. Or on GoodReads.
Review Book 4:
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About the Author
Robert continues to write, spending eight percent of his time working on the Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop series (book 6 in the works), seven percent on the now-titled Prodigals series (book 2 in the works), three and a half percent of his time working on his pirate story (75% done as of this sentence), about ninety eight percent of his time doing a lot of running around taking care of things that he doesn’t remember having to do before he was retired from the Army but now that he is, he seems to spend a great portion of his time dealing with random, highly critical tasks. Oh, and he eats and sleeps 1.5% of the time.[1]
He still fully expects to be eaten by a shark at some point, and Sea World still has him on some sort of Watch List. Yes, with capital letters.
About the Illustrators
Sara Allen continues to draw while living in the lovely state of Ohio. She has recently started drawing pets on request. It would be odd if she just drew random people’s pets without said request. And not nearly as profitable, I would imagine.
If you have a pet and are interested in a sketch, you should give her a look: https://www.facebook.com/SaraAllensArt/
Rio Burton also continues to draw as well. She does it from the lovely state of Colorado. You can view and purchase her work here: https://www.facebook.com/rioillustration and her website here: http://rioburton.storenvy.com/ .
Other series by Robert P. Wills
The Prodigals
An inspirational post-apocalyptic science fiction journey of redemption.
Earth lays in polluted, toxic ruins. As the Earthlings search for a new home world, they find several planets that will support a portion of the population- Humans will survive, they will just be scattered across thirty-five light years. Then one world is found that will support them all. It is, however, already occupied by a civilization similar to one from their past. This meeting leads a group of Earthlings down a completely new path.
Book 1- Apple Declined. Earth sets its eyes on an alien paradise where their Eve made a different decision millennia ago.
Book 2 -Remnants of Sol. Chief Nicolas Hauser leads his crew back to Earth to discover its fate, encountering pockets of surviving colonists throughout the system.
Book 3 - Eden Divided. Settling with other survivors from the solar system on one of the other alien worlds selected for colonization, the prodigals grapple with their new-found faith, limited resources, and unrepentant colonists.
Book 4- The Reunion. Nick and the prodigals fight to leave New Eden and escape to Arcturus to continue their walk in faith with their brothers there.
Print this page out and make an airplane!
* * *
[1] Yes- it’s the same amount as Fizzy Lifting Drink.
* * *
[1] It’s a sad and unfortunately, absolutely, positively true fact. No; we can’t explain it.
[2] If a bartender says it, it must be true.
[3] That’s a chapter in the Tales From the Mora Tau as well: ‘It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses a Neighbor’.
[4] Right? Boy we hope so- it’s our one big gag.
[5] We’ll keep sending him fishing with Garibaldis until we can slip a gruesome, tragic fishing accident past our editors.
[6] Five and counting, it seems.
[7] We don’t worry about little details like continuity!
[8] Yeah, that series is in the works.
[9] It’s a fun, dialogue-rich chapter in the Tales of the Mora Tau Bar. Which is still in the works. Really.
[10] We’re working on it. Those cartographers can be persnickety sometimes.
[11] Sorry about that- That is, in fact, the start of a famous joke; not the start of the chapter. Honest mistake.
[12] No, apparen
tly not. Sorry.
[13] I’m still trying, Lucas. Really I am.
[14] Hence the missing question mark.
[15] Right? RIGHT?
[16] It’s right- check Book 2 if you don’t believe him.
[17] In fact, Pozzuoli knew about the mine and could have given him absurdly specific directions right to it.
[18] Don’t feel bad- at this point we aren’t sure either. Outlines are for sissies.
[19] See? We have it all under control.
[20] Check the map- it’s there. We’re not making this stuff up, you know!
[21] It really is- ask any business owner.
[22] It’s that thing with the strings that you pluck to play. Look it up- it’s real.
[23] He is. Or was, really.
[24] Chapter 42, by our calculations.
[25] We did too. Until just now. We blame the lack of outlines on this oversight.
[26] See?
[27] PTSD is definitely not a joking matter. The gag was “Pinker Tonnes” (get it?). It was only after “Security Division” was added that the acronym happened. They have a “Property Recovery Division” and “Personnel Locating Division” that turn up as well.
[28] Thirty-Three is nearly gale-force, after all.
[29] Wouldn’t it Rio? Wouldn’t it?! Sigh…
[30] Mainly because that’s a fact.
[31] See?
[32] Yep- there’s the Dragon we needed. Now we just need a Pixie and a misunderstanding.
[33] You’ll have to wait until the final book in the series. It is written but won’t be released until the author is eaten by a shark.
[34] Finally, right?
Grimbledung and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Mine (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 5) Page 33