by BA Tortuga
By the time he was done, Ben’s cheeks were red-hot, and his smile was self-deprecating.
Which was stupid, because that might have been the smartest thing anyone had ever said to Kris. Hadn’t he just decided in the last few weeks that remembering Kane was more important than any weird family grudge against his momma?
“You gonna die of embarrassment if I say that was pretty profound for the Whataburger?”
“The smell of french fries is fucking inspirational.”
“I thought it was the gravy, man,” Kris teased. “For that kind of wisdom, I’ll even buy.”
Ben chuckled, and they got to the counter and ordered patty melts and fries and Dr Peppers and fried pies. All that dog walking was hard work.
“So I’m thinking of turning the ranch back over to Daddy,” Kris blurted.
“No shit? You going to go to Santa Fe?” Kris shot Ben a surprised look, and the guy shrugged. “What? You talk about him all the time. You love him. You’ve been getting ready to pull up stakes, so I just thought….”
“I… I don’t know. I just know that I need to go somewhere I can tell my whole story. Does that sound too touchy-feely?” It did, but Kris said it anyway.
“Nah. I came to Austin because it was the only place I felt like they had gay people. I mean, stupid, right? But in Wolfe City? Austin reads like Sodom and Gomorrah.” Ben winked and leaned in. “You know how some folks are about Sodom.”
Kris hooted. “I like the place myself.”
“I know. It’s a thing. Some of us just belong there.”
“Yeah.” When their laughter subsided, Kris nodded at Ben. “Thank you. Wherever I land, you’re welcome.”
“Yeah? Cool. You aren’t going to, like, disappear, though, right? Like e-mails, texts?”
“God, no.” He’d kinda come to count on Ben’s ridiculous selfies.
“Cool. So, let’s go leash and bowl shopping after this. They need toys and balls too. Oh! Beds! Crates, chews, food, possibly winter coats if it snows where you’re going….”
“I think Trike will grow his own.” Jake could maybe use a sweater eventually, since Santa Fe could get fucking cold.
Santa Fe.
Now that the words were out, they couldn’t be taken back, and he might as well admit that he wanted to go, wanted Josh to be there.
Hell, he wanted Josh, and Kris was willing to fight for him one last time. Really fight, and not let the past get in the way. A man adopted a couple of dogs, and forgiveness just slapped his ass silly.
Next thing he fucking knew, he’d be having damn drum circles and dancing naked under the full moon.
Or maybe not.
Really, he just wanted to be naked with a certain asshole artist who had run off to the mountains.
He found himself grinning like a frigging monkey. This was what Josh meant, wasn’t it? About coming home.
28
Josh was soaking in the weird-assed solar hot tub he’d traded three pieces of yard art for, when the phone rang.
Lord, he’d almost forgotten what that sound was. Cy didn’t have a phone, Danny had stopped calling to check in once the new job had really started, and Zack was up to his elbows in Ray’s shit.
He grabbed the phone, swiped without looking. “’Lo?”
“Where the fuck have you been, man? Are you going to meetings? Are you eating? You never call me. I’ve heard from your Kris since I’ve talked to you!”
His Kris? Kris hadn’t been his for… hell, maybe ever. “Hey, Zack. Yes, I go every Sunday. They’re good people, but they’re not you. How’s Ray?”
“I can’t talk about him right now. I want to talk about things that aren’t him, okay?” Oh man. Poor Zack. He sounded wrecked. And more than a little angry.
“Sure. You want to come out for a few days? I have a hot tub.” He could use some company. He was feeling his weird communal solitude, the pressure of total freedom.
“It’s a thousand fucking degrees, Josh.”
“There, maybe. It’s fifty degrees here.” He’d never thought that he’d be home so quickly. “You talked to Kris? How is he?”
Does he miss me too?
“He’s making a lot of business decisions, man. I never met a busier guy.”
“Money makes him happy. He’s good at that. Money.” The thought of Kris made him smile, though. He wanted to believe his lover was settled, happy. Okay, maybe Josh wasn’t as selfless as to say he wanted Kris to find someone else, but he wanted him happy and dateless.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I still can’t believe after all the years we’ve known each other y’all met after I left. The irony there is mind-blowing.”
“Maybe it was the only way he and I could be friendly. He even came to a meeting with me. Just to see what it was like.” Zack chuckled a little now. “He hasn’t got a lot of, uh, empathy.”
“No? You think? This is the man who thinks feelings are those crunchy things you sprinkle on salads.”
“I like him, though. I didn’t want to. How’s Cypress?”
“Sad, I think. I went and spent the day with him yesterday. Lonan’s gone to do some work on the reservation, and he was looking a little lost.” It had been sad, and he hadn’t known what to say, any more than Cy had known what to say about Kris. They’d stared at each other for a while, and then they went to see a Disney movie in Santa Fe.
“That sucks for him.” Unlike Kris, Zack had a ton of empathy. “As soon as I can, I’ll come up. I miss you.”
“I miss you. It’s funny, I start working and I’m okay, but when I stop….” It hurt.
“You’re eating, right? Do you even have a coffeemaker?”
“I have a french press.” He ate, when he remembered. He was busy.
“You can call, okay?” Zack was taking on that worried tone. Josh got it. Sometimes he had no idea what day it was. He was making it, though. He’d paid his rent a year in advance, but he had enough sales that he could do it again if he had to.
“I will. I promise. I’m coping.”
“I know you are. I just want you to be happy too.”
“Me too.” He chewed on his bottom lip, fighting the sigh. “It’ll happen. I just have to work at it.”
“That’s the attitude. I’m proud of you, Josh.”
“Thanks. That’s good to hear.” And it was. It felt like heaven.
“I love you, huh? I have to go. Ray is on the other line. Pray for me.”
“I do. Every day. Breathe, huh?” He wanted to say “always homicide, never suicide,” but that seemed tacky as fuck. Ray was such a loose cannon; what if he tried to off himself again?
“I will. Bye!” Zack hung up, and Boomer leaped into the tub with Josh, splashing like mad.
“Dude! Dude, dog germs!” He couldn’t stop laughing, even when Boomer decided the safest place was on his lap. Silly beast began howling, front paws on his shoulders.
He grabbed Boomer around the middle and howled right along. It was something that a crazy artist would do.
It suited him to the bone.
29
“Hey, Daddy. You got a minute?” Kris knew he should schedule a face-to-face with his dad, but he had some hard shit to talk about, and a phone call was easier.
“Believe it or not, I do. What’s up with you, Son?”
“I need to talk to you about the ranch.” Four months and he had the books straightened out, enough stock sold to make up his losses, and a new bull that would throw smaller, easier-to-bear calves. He’d be leaving a new manager in great shape.
“You having troubles finding a foreman?”
“I am, and we need a good one. I’m leaving for Santa Fe in two weeks.”
“Santa Fe? You going rodeoin’? I raised you for a better life than that.” The Judge sounded totally gobsmacked.
“No, sir. I’m moving up.”
“To New Mexico?” Kris could’ve just said “to the moon,” and the Judge wouldn’t have sounded more shocked.
&nb
sp; “I am. If you’d rather me just sign the land over to you again, I understand. Or you could put it in trust for Tyna, since I sold Kane’s land and didn’t quite split it with her fifty-fifty.”
“It’s your land.” Daddy snorted, obviously a bit confused, a lot frustrated.
“Then I need a good foreman. Someone who will work with me long distance.”
“I…. Well, damn, Son. You know I’ll keep an eye on things. Rooster Haley, he’s a good man, one helluva cowboy, and just divorced. He’d like a place to work, I bet.”
“That sounds great. He’ll have the run of the house except the new master suite I put in. I’ll lock those off with my personal stuff in there until I can get back for it.”
“Are you sure about this, Son? What’s in Santa Fe that you can’t get here?”
“Snow.” He chuckled, knowing he had to be honest. “Josh.”
He heard Daddy’s sigh. “You know that boy isn’t practical, right? He ain’t ever gonna be solid, no matter how he tries.”
“He is what he is, Daddy. He’s done everything he can to prove to me that he’s worth it, and I was just too dumb to see it before now. Good thing I’m super practical, huh?”
The snort he got made him grin.
“When are you leaving, Super Practical One?”
“Two weeks if I can swing it. I got Jake—he’s the younger one—to stop puking in the truck.”
“Oh good Lord. Benadryl. It’ll work like a charm.” The Judge stopped for a long minute, then sighed. “Son, I worry about you. I worry because you’re so much like me and you’re heading down the same road I did.”
“Am I?” Kris knew he shouldn’t, but he asked. “How’s that?”
“You know your momma had a problem. I just… you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
“I won’t.” He could say that with absolute surety now.
“I hope not. It’s a shit situation.” The Judge sighed again, long and slow. “So, you’ll come over for a cookout next Saturday, bring the dogs? I’ll make sure everyone comes so that they can send you off right.”
“Sure. I’d like that.” What he didn’t say to his dad was he knew Josh had already hit rock bottom and had no intention of going back. Part of his mother’s problem was that no one had let her mistakes fall on her own head. Not his dad, not him, and not Tyna. They’d all swept them under the rug.
Josh hit the bottom and had recovered, even when so much was against him. Josh had won his fight, kept winning.
“Well, then, come on anytime. We’ll eat around seven. You want me to call your sister, or do you want to?”
“I will.” He paused. “If I invite Tyna, though, there’s something you ought to know.”
To his surprise, the Judge started cackling. “Shit, boy. You think for one second that I ain’t had forty-seven million phone calls from every goddamn stock contractor and roughstock rider and roper on the circuit that your sister’s shacking up with Deb the Dyke? You got another think coming.”
“Oh shit, old man, you can’t call her that when she comes down with Tyna.” Although he couldn’t wait to meet Tyna’s lady. Invite them to come visit Santa Fe once he’d settled.
“I know that, Son. Do I call you a fudge packer?”
“Only on Christmas. Every now and again for my birthday, if you remember.”
“Butthead. I can still beat you stupid.”
“I know it. Hell, you outroped me so bad a while back that I had to go buy a new horse. Old Blue was so depressed he retired on me.” He chuckled. “Love you.”
“I love you, Son. See you soon. You bring me keys and shit for the ranch, type up the instructions for what all’s there.”
Like he didn’t have all of it in a spreadsheet.
“I got it. I’ll talk to Rooster Saturday, too, huh? Fill him in.”
“Excellent. Talk at you soon.” The line went dead, and that was that. He’d dealt with the last real detail.
Fuck him.
Two weeks, max, and he’d be in Santa Fe. Shit, maybe he would pay his entry fee and do the rodeo up there. He was feeling pretty damned lucky today.
30
Josh looked at the huge piece of weird-assed distressed wood Lonan had found him. He’d sanded and smoothed, fully intending to paint it, but there was something about it.
Something wonderful and weird in the lines—little faces peering out of the wood grain. Goddamn.
He was supposed to paint it. He wasn’t a woodworker. He needed to paint it. Right?
Shit.
He frowned deep, staring at the wood. Maybe if he moved it into the fading sunlight….
Josh wandered to the big bay door of his studio just about the time Boomer set up a howl that sounded like the world was ending. Lord. What the hell?
“Boomer? What’s up, boy?” He looked out, the sun getting in his eyes, blinding him for a second.
Then a huge black lab mix came bounding up the driveway, his ears screaming mastiff. The tongue said so, too, with drool never seen in a lab.
“Well, hi there, boy. You’re new. You need some water?” He opened the spigot and filled the bowl up.
“Damn it, Jake, you can’t just run out in the road.”
Josh stopped dead, then lifted his head to look again, because he knew that voice.
He shook his head. It’d finally happened. Sunstroke.
Boom.
Boomer sure seemed to think the man who belonged to the voice was familiar, because he was all over the guy. Even with the other dog, a husky who seemed to want to roll Boomer over and sniff his belly.
“Jesus, baby. You look like some magical woodland creature.”
“Kris?” No fucking way.
“Hey, baby.” Kris moved close enough for Josh to really see him. Wranglers, boots, cowboy hat, eyes the color of really clear green glass. “You’re all brown.”
“I’ve been working. Lots. I…. Are you okay? Is everyone okay back in Austin?” What if Zack had finally lost it? Nah. He’d talked to Zack this morning.
“I think so. Danny is working at the Bullock now. Did you know? Assisting some curator.” Kris shrugged, then took off his hat, turning it in his hands.
“Oh. Uh. Come in. I was working on… that doesn’t matter. Water? There’s kale melon juice. Iced coffee?” He felt like he was drunk, just a little.
“Water is fine.” Kris joined him, whistling up all three of the dogs. Three.
“Water. You… do you know these dogs? I mean, not mine—you know him.” What was wrong with him?
“The giant in black is Jake. Black lab and, as it turns out, Neapolitan mastiff. The husky is Trike, who isn’t doing his job keeping Jake in line.”
The husky snapped to attention and moved to herd Jake away from Josh’s piece of wood before he began to gnaw on it.
“Very nice. Uh. Right.” He got water from the little fridge along with the bottle of iced coffee. “There are lawn chairs?”
Dear Kris-the-ex, What the ever-loving fuck? Also, Jesus, you’re the most beautiful stud in the history of cowboys. Please give me a frigging clue what’s going on. Much love, Me, aka Fucking Confused.
“Thanks. When was the last time you ate?” Kris grabbed the water before sitting in one of the chairs.
“I had a smoothie.” Wednesday. Maybe Tuesday. It was what? Thursday-ish? He felt like he was channeling Cy.
“Hmm. I like this little town.” Kris grinned, his eyes crinkling up.
“I do too. I moved here. Do you have cancer or something? Because Cy knows people.”
“I’m not sure I want to know what kind of cancer people Cy knows.” Kris stared into his eyes. “I’m here for you.”
“Why?” He couldn’t even imagine the answer to that question. Kris and him… they were over.
“Because I love you. I can totally understand if you tell me to go fuck myself, but I wanted to tell you that, and to tell you I was sorry.”
“What for?” That was the real question. What exactly was
Kris sorry for?
“For putting my shit on you. For not trusting you. I’m proud of you, Josh.”
Josh just sat there. What the hell was he supposed to say to that, exactly? Thank you? Fuck you? Suck my ass, you crazy bastard? Nice boots, wanna fuck? Shit.
“You look a little crazed. Can’t tell if it’s the hair or just that you’re a little crazed.” Kris was laughing at him. Laughing.
“It’s probably all the hair. My neighbor’s kid is in beauty school.” Why would Kris drive for twelve hours with dogs in the truck just to mess with him? That seemed… well, basically totally out of character.
Kris avoided him. Sold things to get away from him. Right?
“Can we just sit a minute? I know you need explanations, but I’ve been on the road, and I’m pooped.” Kris stretched those long old legs out before crossing his boots at the ankle.
“Sure. Sure.” He drank his coffee and watched the dogs. Boomer was showing his new friends the neighborhood—here’s Miss Kitty, this is that pretty little brindle pit that does her sexy dance, and this is where that mean-as-fuck toy poodle lives.
“Thanks. God, I can’t believe I got two of those monsters.” Kris laughed, the sound easy in a way Josh had never heard. “I went to Town Lake for an adoption drive, though, and boom.”
“Oh yeah? That’s cool. They’re getting along with Boomer just fine.” He wasn’t sure that he could do this, sit and talk like everything was okay. Somewhere over the last few months, he’d lost his Zen.
It probably happened when he learned to use a welder. Welders and Zen didn’t mix.
Kris glanced over at him, smile fading. “You can tell me to go, Josh. I mean, if you hate my guts now, I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I don’t hate you. I just…. What do you want? I’m a little confused. You drove a long way to apologize.”
“I sold my house. I mean, you know that. I got a manager for the ranch and am putting that into a trust, really. I drove the truck, but there’s the SUV back at the ranch if you want it later, and some art and shit to go back for, but—” Kris spread his hands. “I want to come up here.”