Temperance lifted the necklace and delicate gold chain from the box. She had grown up poor and was still not accustomed to such fine and beautiful things. To know that this necklace was meant to adorn her neck took her breath.
With trembling hands, she opened the locket and tears filled her eyes when she recognized the two faces staring back at her from either side. Tanner and Jackson. Her husband and their son.
“Tanner it’s…” Temperance couldn’t find words and Tanner took the necklace from her and motioned for her to turn.
Temperance did and she trembled as his fingertips brushed the sensitive skin of her neck. He fastened the clasp but Temperance noticed that his fingers lingered on her body longer than was necessary--though she did not complain.
Touches from Tanner were different from any other she had ever had. Touches from Tanner weren’t bad--in fact they were very very nice.
“I wanted you to have that necklace so that me and Jackson are always with you,” Tanner admitted. “When you start feeling afraid or overwhelmed--if your anxiety begins to overtake you, then I want you to remember that necklace, hold it, open it, let the knowledge of the two men that love you unconditionally help fight all those bad feelings away.”
Temperance was speechless as she looked into Tanner’s blue/gray eyes. She gripped the locket tightly in her palm and nodded. “I will… Thank you.”
“You don’t have to tell me thank you, Temp. I’m your husband and it’s my job to take care of you.”
Temperance wasn’t sure how to respond to that and so she just cuddled back up into his arms and nibbled on a bit of cheese.
They talked for a long while about the day. Laughing and recalling touching moments. Temperance loved the way she could feel Tanner’s chest rumble when he chuckled about something and she loved the way his hand gently caressed her bare forearm as they spoke.
Then she noticed a change in him. He became a bit nervous and unsure. Temperance looked up at his tense jaw. “What’s wrong?”
“I want to ask you about something but I don’t want you to get upset, okay? If the answer is no then it’s no and I won’t be disappointed.”
Temperance’s mind instantly went to the bedroom and the marital duties that she was so terrified of. Why would Tanner ruin a perfectly good day by bringing that up? She was about to tell him off when he put his hand over her mouth and shook his head. “I can tell where your mind has gone and that’s not where mine is so bring it back in if you don’t mind.”
Temperance grinned guiltily beneath his palm. “Then what?” she mumbled.
Tanner tweaked her nose as he removed his hand. “I wanted to talk to you about that trip I mentioned before. I know two weeks might sound like a long time but it’ll take that long to travel to where we’re going and back again…”
“Okay,” Temperance agreed before she had time to talk herself into saying no. She had promised Felix she would do this, it obviously meant a lot to Tanner and Jackson was okay with it…. All that was holding her back was her own fear and Temperance was done being a prisoner to fear.
Tanner’s eyes widened. “Truly? You want to go?”
“Yes.” Temperance sighed and rested her head against his heartbeat once more. “Where are we going?”
“That’s a secret,” Tanner replied with a teasing tone.
Temperance nibbled at her lip. “You want me to take a two week trip away from this place that I haven’t been away from in five years and you won’t even tell me where we’re going?”
“Are you afraid to leave here?” Tanner asked gently.
Temperance sighed. “Yes. I’m afraid of what’s out there… I was sheltered in my parent’s home and then Yancy took me and Trevor bought me and I’ve never seen anything other than these places…”
Tanner’s hold on her tightened slightly. He always tensed whenever she spoke of her past and she knew it was because it pained him to hear about the bad she had gone through. Just as it pained her to hear about the horrors of his life.
“It’s a big world, Temp, and there’s lots of beautiful things in it. You shouldn’t hide yourself away and miss it all.” Tanner’s lips brushed across her temple. “And between your newly found fighting skills and my vow to protect you, I can’t see what you have to fear and hold you back.”
“I’ve never been away from Jackson,” Temperance voiced the other worry that she had.
Tanner sighed. “We can buy him a hundred things and you’ll have a thousand new stories to tell him when you get back… or we can take him with us.”
Temperance wanted to quickly agree that the second option sounded the best but she paused. Tanner really wanted this time alone with her--she knew he did. And truthfully they needed to spend this time together. Jackson would be just fine here without her for such a short period of time.
Temperance had to let go of that fear of being alone with Tanner because, honestly, the man didn’t deserve it and she also had to let go of the fear of the unknown and unexpected. Neither of those things were within her control.
Not to mention that Felix had truly wanted her to go on this trip with Tanner and she had promised the dying man she would.
Temperance gripped her locket gently, turned her head and smiled up at her husband. “Jackson needs to stay here and practice with his pony for the fair. When do you want to leave? We’ve got packing to do.”
Chapter Fifty-Two
Tanner had been certain that nerves, doubt or fear would get the better of Temperance before they left on their trip but other than shedding a few tears upon saying goodbye to Jackson, she had kept her shoulders straight and not faltered a single step as they had climbed aboard the train that would take them to Virginia.
“Virginia?” Temperance’s eyes widened as Tanner led her to their sleeping quarters and slid open the door. “We’re going to Virginia.”
Tanner nodded as he sat down their luggage and collapsed on the small sofa across from the bed, “Yes, we are.”
Temperance sat upon the bed and continued to simply stare at him. “What are we going to do there?” she whispered.
“Visit your family, Temperance,” Tanner admitted, hoping that she would be open to the idea and not have a breakdown because of it. Tanner never wanted to do anything that pushed her too far or hurt her--everything he did was only to help her.
Temperance was silent for a long time as she continued to stare at him but seemed to be seeing something else--some picture in her mind that was hidden from him.
“Why?” she finally inquired in a voice so light that Tanner had to strain to hear it.
“Because it wasn’t fair that you were never able to say goodbye,” Tanner replied simply. “Everyone deserves a chance to say goodbye.”
Tanner watched Temperance warily for any sign of what she was thinking. She kept her face a blank mask and he cursed her ability to do so. Only her increased breathing and the way she clutched at the locket against her chest gave hint to the fact that she was at war with her emotions.
Tanner just sat there calmly and let the storm blow through. Slowly Temperance calmed and then she threw herself across the tiny space between them and hugged Tanner tightly around the neck.
“I love you,” she whispered tearfully in his ear.
“I love you too, Temp. Always and forever,” Tanner replied, hugging her back gently.
She felt so good in his arms this way. She was his soft and sweet in a world that had proven to be cold and harsh so many times before. Tanner knew that planning to take her to her old home could have blown up in his face, but it was a chance he had had to take.
Tanner truly believed it would be good for her. Her family and what had happened to them was something that haunted Temperance still today. He wanted to give her a chance to be a bit more at peace with it all. A chance to say goodbye to them, to let herself heal that much more.
Tanner heard her stomach growl and he smiled as she pulled away. “Your hungry,” he stated. The train lurched
as a whistle blew and they started slowly down the track. “Do you want to come to the dining car and get something to eat?”
Temperance chewed her lip. “The dining car will be crowded…..” he saw her shiver and knew she was imagining all those people bumping into her. “Could you bring me something?”
Tanner nodded and kissed her lips tenderly. “Of course.”
He had known the train would be hard on her. Her fear of strangers made this crowded and cramped mode of transportation more than a little overwhelming--hell he wasn’t too thrilled with it himself. Being so enclosed brought back visions and memories of times Tanner would rather just forget. But he knew he had to push past those and with Temperance near him he knew he could. Just as she would eventually overcome her trepidations as well. Tanner would give her every single second of time that she needed.
“And Tanner?” Temperance called as he slid open the door and stepped into the hall. Tanner looked back at her and his breath caught in his chest at the sight of her beaming smile. “You are the best man I have ever met. Thank you.”
Tanner wasn’t sure what to say to that. He offered her a smile in return and rubbed at his neck. “I’m as good a man as you make me, Temp.”
***
Temperance was trembling as the scenery around her grew familiar. Yes, many things had changed in the years that she had been gone but Temperance would recognize these rolling hills and trees anywhere.
Home.
As Temperance topped over the last hill before her old homestead would come into view she remembered the many times that she and her sisters had run over these hills with the long grass whipping against their skirts and the scent of all the wildflowers on the breeze filling their noses.
The sound of Jessica and Charlotte giggling and laughing happily filled her mind and Temperance felt her mouth curve into a smile. So many good memories…
She was aware of Tanner beside her in the buckboard but he said nothing as he simply guided the horses. They topped over the rise and Temperance gasped. Tanner brought the wagon to a stop and Temperance took in the sight of the place that had once been her family home.
It was falling down.
The house was still standing but the porch had caved in. The barn roof was sitting down in the stalls and the chicken coop had been knocked over. The fences and corrals were in bad disrepair and grass and weeds had taken back the land that had once been cleared for crops.
Temperance sat there in silence and simply stared. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting…. She supposed she had thought she’d top over that rise and see home just as she had remembered it but now she realized how foolish an expectation that had been.
Time had ravaged this place and taken its toll on what her family had worked so hard to build--just as time seemed to take its toll on everything.
Temperance was pulled from her thoughts when Tanner’s hand slid into hers and his long, strong fingers entwined with her slender, softer ones. She glanced his way and he offered a gentle smile. “Are we riding in?” he asked.
Temperance swallowed hard and nodded. She hadn’t come this far only to turn back now. And with Tanner beside her, Temperance knew she could face anything. Side by side they continued on their way down the hill. Tanner brought the buckboard to a stop beside the house and got down before walking to the other side and helping Temperance down as well.
She held tight to his arm as she walked to the house and stared at the fallen porch roof which was blocking her entry. “I used to sit on the porch a lot,” she whispered. “Before the war papa and my brothers would play music on papa’s guitar and mama’s pans and mama would sing.” Temperance smiled at the memory. “Once papa and my brothers left there wasn’t much time left for singing but we’d sit on the porch and do our sewing and such when the weather was pretty.”
“That sounds real nice, Temp,” Tanner replied and Temperance nodded in agreement. “You wanting to go in?” he added.
Temperance sighed. “There’s no other door, Tanner, and it just doesn’t seem right to break a window and climb in that way…. Mama and papa worked real hard to be able to afford those glass windows.”
Tanner smiled down at her and kissed her brow, “Temperance, that mess there ain’t nothing that a little sweat won’t get rid of. You go on and sit down and I’ll have it out of the way in no time.”
“I’ll help…” Temperance began but Tanner shook his head.
“That porch is probably rotted and there’s nails and everything all through that wood. You’re gonna stay out of the way so I ain’t worried about you taking a rusty nail through the foot or hand.”
“Well you better not take one either,” Temperance warned.
Tanner just grinned and tipped his hat. “Yes, ma’am.”
Temperance left Tanner to his work as she wandered toward the old chicken coop and let her mind drift back years into the past. Charlotte had always loved gathering eggs and had had a favorite hen. The little hen hadn’t been good for much--her eggs had been too small to make a meal out of her and she’d only had one good leg--but Charlotte had loved that little hen and so mama had let her keep it instead of killing it and making it supper.
But ‘Ol’ Peg Leg’ as Jessica had named her was dead and gone now, just like everything and everyone else that had once called this place home. Even Temperance--or at least the Temperance she had been back then was dead and gone, nothing remained but memories.
Temperance had been so lost in thoughts of the past that she hadn’t been aware of where exactly her feet were carrying her until she caught sight of a tiny wooden cross--crudely crafted and nailed together.
A grave.
Robert’s grave.
Temperance looked beside it and saw Charlotte’s cross, and then Jessica’s and then her mama’s, her papa’s, and her both of her brother’s. Somehow those flimsy grave markers had stood up to the test of time. They done something that not even the barn could do and they had stood strong through windstorms, rainstorms, snowstorms and everything in between.
Tears filled Temperance’s eyes.
She stepped closer to Robert’s grave and looked down at the cross. “Hi, Robert,” she whispered, feeling more than a little foolish at speaking to someone who was nothing but bones beneath her feet. “I want to thank you for coming when you did and helping us. I know you didn’t mean to bring that sickness with you and I want you to know that I don’t blame you--and I never have. Things happen that we don’t always expect and can’t always predict but you were a good man. Thoughts of you got me through a lot. I read your journal….” Temperance blushed with shame and looked up at the cloudless blue sky. “I probably shouldn’t have but it was nice to read about your life and to see stories about my papa and brothers… I want you to know that I felt the same way about you. They were the musings of a fifteen year old girl who knew nothing of life but….” Temperance paused and then smiled. “… I want you to know that when you had gotten around to asking me to court you, I would have said yes.”
Temperance moved down to Charlotte’s grave which was next in line. She knelt down and pulled the weeds away from the cross. “Little, Charlotte, you were a bright spot in all our lives. You were always so full of life. I hope wherever you are, they have butterflies for you to chase.”
Temperance wiped her eyes and moved down to Jessica’s. “You were growing up to be a beautiful young woman. I miss you so terribly. I can still remember when you used mama’s best apron to try to save that newborn calf that was dying--mama was fit to be tied and you said, ‘But mama, I had to help it warm up’, and she just couldn’t punish you. You always had such a big heart.”
Her mama was next and Temperance took a deep shuddering breath, “I love you, mama. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to save you and the girls. I tried so hard…”
Temperance fell to her knees and began to sob. She covered her face with her hands and her body convulsed as pain and hurt bubbled up and spewed over.
She
lost all track of time as she mourned her family.
She become so lost in her grief that she cried out with shock when she felt a hand close around her shoulder. She looked up and saw Tanner standing in the sunlight and instantly she jumped to her feet and threw herself into his arms.
Her tears were ebbing but Tanner held her tight against him anyhow and he didn’t speak a word. He simply rubbed her back and kissed her hair and waited until she pulled away to release his hold.
“Are you okay?” he whispered gently.
Temperance didn’t answer right away. Instead she looked at the graves and then took Tanner’s hand and led him to her father’s grave.
“Hi, papa,” she whispered. “Hi, Thomas. Hi, Gregory. I’m all grown up now… This is my husband, Tanner. He’s a good man--you would have liked him after you got done torturing him for a bit. He’s a soldier just like you… he fought for the confederates. Now, before you jump out of the ground and try to kill him I really think you should listen to what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that war is a nasty, ugly thing with no real winners or losers. It brings out the very worst in a lot of men and the very best in others, regardless of what side they are fighting on. Tanner saved my life and more importantly, my soul. I love him with all my heart… We have a son. His name is Jackson and he’s four years old. He is going to ride his pony in the fair this year and he’s so proud.”
Temperance felt Tanner squeeze her hand as he cleared his throat. “I wish I could have met all of you. Temperance tells me stories about her family and it sounds like the family I never had and I have to admit I get a bit jealous when I hear her speaking about it. Mr. and Mrs. Hall you did a good job raising this woman. She’s stronger and smarter than anyone else I know. I’m sure y’all were watching from afar and saw the hell that your little girl went through but I’m making you a promise now that I’m going to see to it that she has a life full of more happiness than sadness from here on out. Thomas, Gregory, Mr. Hall, there’s a real good chance we took shots at each other during that damned war and it makes me sad. When I hear Temp talking about you all it makes me think we could have been real good friends.”
Against Her Will Page 25