In spite of my efforts, I couldn’t adjust to my new life. Nothing was left of the past. Even my precious jewelry, the last vestige of my previous life, had changed beyond recognition. I wore jewels only occasionally in my father’s house, mostly in victory parades, but now they had become routine accessories. David beseeched me to join him at the army encampments dressed in fabulous gowns, adorned in golden jewelry, and wearing a crown on my head. He himself traveled in simple clothing, like a commoner, but he wanted me at his side in full regalia. It took me less than two months to discover that, in spite of my well-known fondness for gowns and victory marches, I’d inherited my father’s introverted personality. The trips became torture for me, and not only because of the difficult roads. Sleeping in tents and squeezing into the chariot bothered me much less than the extended mingling with the crowds. At times, I felt like the forced smiles were tearing my lips apart and worried that I might scream or burst into tears at any moment. But the time spent with my beloved gave me the strength to go on. I saw how proud he was as I descended from the chariot before the thunderstruck soldiers, and I swore to myself that I’d remain at his side for as long as he wanted.
On one journey, we met Abner son of Ner, and I asked him to tell me exactly how many army bases there were in our kingdom. When I heard the number I felt like a prisoner granted a pardon, and hurried to tell my husband that we would soon be able to return home and be alone together.
“We’ve got much more work to do,” David answered sadly.
“You’re wrong. We’ve only got three bases left.”
“Our success has increased the scope of our duties.”
“Meaning?”
“We will now begin making appearances before the entire people.”
“Where?”
“In all the tribal lands. We’ll even have to cross the Jordan River.”
It took me a few attempts to finally swallow the lump in my throat. “Does Father know?”
He wiped away my tears and whispered softly, so that no one would hear, “He will.”
Ten
No woman dreams of married life with a third wheel, even if that wheel is the nation itself. That wasn’t why I’d followed my heart and publicly broken the rules that required me to marry the man my father would choose for me. All I wanted was a small house on the palace grounds, two or three children, and my husband by my side. I hoped to share a bed with him every night, to wake up with him each morning for another quiet day, and to know there were only two kinds of people in the world: us and them—“us” meaning the two of us, and “them” being everyone else. I didn’t think it was too much to ask or that I wanted too much out of life, but I quickly learned that my husband also divided the world into “us” and “them,” but my “them” was his “us”—nothing was more important to him than the nation.
I knew I couldn’t live without him, so I gritted my teeth and resigned myself to playing the symbolic role he’d cast upon me.
But a year later, when I realized that he would never give me his seed as long as we were still on the road, I made a decision.
“I’m going back to Gibeah,” I told him.
“For a family visit?”
“For good.”
The last time I’d visited my family had been six months earlier, for the Festival of Freedom. He’d assumed that I was planning another short visit this time, and when he heard my answer he gave me a heart-wrenching look and asked me not to leave him.
“You’ve got the people; what do you need me for?” The hard year had made me a bitter woman.
“There’s nothing I like more than staying home with you and playing the harp and lyre for you, but your father has given me the task of making appearances before the people, and I obey the king’s commands as I would obey the commands of God.”
“How long are you going to carry on like this?”
He shrugged in despair.
“I can’t play the glamorous princess any longer, smiling at people from morning till night.”
“Patience, my wife.” Now he was begging. “Sooner or later, your father will call me back to the palace, and then I’ll make up for everything I’ve put you through.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
His eyes narrowed. “But living without me is something you can do?”
* * *
I couldn’t live without him, but I had a plan for getting him back to the palace, and I believed it could work.
I set out the very same day, accompanied by two coachmen and a maid, and it took us less than two days to reach the land of Benjamin. The horses sped like lightning over the familiar landscape, and for a few hours I felt happy.
The guards at the palace gate welcomed me with cheers and asked how long I was planning to stay.
“This isn’t a visit,” I answered. “I’ve come home.”
“And your husband?”
“Continuing to fulfill his duty.”
They hurried to share the sensational news with my family, leaving me alone. I decided to walk through the palace garden that I loved so much and to take a quick look at the fig trees. I ran my hands over the curve of the old stone well, and when I realized it was making me sad, I looked up at the figs overhead, still ripe even in late summer. I wanted to sit on the bench and close my eyes for a few minutes, but I heard the servants looking for me and knew I had to appear before my family at once.
I hugged my mother, kissed my little brothers, and embraced the older ones. I gasped at the sight of Elhanan, my sister’s baby, and I fell into her arms, weeping.
“Where is Father?” I asked her.
She evaded the question and wouldn’t look me in the eye. I was hoping it was just that she was overwhelmed by intense emotions, and her eyes were stinging from the tears, but I couldn’t help thinking about her old resentment.
My longing for my husband ate away at me, and I couldn’t enjoy the hearty meal that the cooks had been able to put together for me on short notice. I thought my family would sit with me for hours, that we would tell one another about everything that had come to pass since the last time we were together, but Mother, who appeared ill and weak, announced that everyone was tired and declared that it was time for bed. I was surprised by the firm tone of voice that was so unlike her, and I was even more perplexed when I saw how quickly my brothers and sisters obeyed her and left the room. I ordered the servants to get my bed ready in the house that had been given to David and me after we got married, adding with a smile that I had missed it more than any other thing in the palace.
They gave each other awkward looks and explained meekly that Abner son of Ner was now living there with his family. I was appalled to learn that my property had been bequeathed to others while I still lived, but I took on a calm expression and announced confidently that Father would surely soon offer Abner a different home. For the time being, I could stay in my old room.
But when I got there, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, so I decided to go be with my sister. Adriel was in the army, and she would no doubt be glad to have the chance to chat with me through the night, just like old times. The stone-faced servants opened the door to her house and told me that Merab needed rest and that I’d best come back the next day. I ordered them to call her at once, all the while pained at the thought that only a year ago the palace had been my home, but now everyone was treating me so coldly, as if I were a stranger.
Merab arrived, cradling little Elhanan in her arms, her expression one of embarrassment. I tried to look at ease, announcing cheerfully that the disagreements of our youth were all in the past and that I was certain that we could go back to being the soul sisters we once were. She made an effort to engage in conversation with me, but she seemed restrained and preoccupied. As we spoke, I caressed her small belly, which had already begun sprouting new life, and told her how desperate I was for a baby of my own. She scrunched up her face sorrowfully and told me that she prayed to the God of Israel every day, asking him t
o remember me as he remembered Rachel and give me a baby.
“I’m not barren,” I said.
“Then why aren’t you pregnant?”
I admitted to her that David refused to give me his seed during my fertile days, and to head off an angry response from her, I explained that it would be impossible to bear children on the road.
“Then why do you continue to wander?”
I replied that David was totally devoted to the people, that nothing was more important to him than fulfilling his duty, but she muttered with obvious scorn that Father needed no messenger to soak up the people’s love on his behalf, that he’d managed very well before the son of Jesse had joined our family and could do just as well without him. If her Adriel was able to come home for at least a week every month despite being a senior commander in the army, there was no reason for the son of Jesse to shirk his duties to me, leaving me to live my life as though my husband were lost at sea. All men are inclined to devote most of their energies to all sorts of tasks, some necessary and others utterly frivolous—that is how God cursed them when He banished us from Eden. But to completely squander one’s personal life on the altar of work was the province of knaves.
I absorbed her hard words about my beloved with restraint and waited for her to tell me what I wanted to hear. And, indeed, after some hesitation, she held her son close and stated in a decisive tone that when Father came home she’d tell him why I didn’t have a child yet and would ask him to order David to return to the palace. I protested weakly, praying in my heart that she would act on her promise, and quickly.
But Father’s absence put the matter off. Whenever I asked Merab or Jonathan where he was, they looked down and quickly changed the subject. In normal times, my longing for him would have amplified my assertive nature, helping me get the secret out of them, but my constant yearning for my husband weakened me and turned me into an indifferent daughter whose only interest in her father stemmed from her expectation that he would call her husband back and resuscitate her marriage. I was so preoccupied with the separation from my beloved that when Jonathan summoned me to the palace garden, I immediately told him how grateful I was that he had decided not to wait for Father’s return, but rather to take the initiative on his own and bring David back to the palace.
“Your life with your husband is none of my concern,” he answered coolly.
I realized that it made him angry to see me operating behind David’s back, trying to pull him away from his work against his will. I told Jonathan in a pained whisper that I was willing to pay any price to save my marriage. Jonathan fixed his eyes on me and said in that same detached tone that my married life wasn’t the most serious issue in our family these days.
“Father has taken a second wife,” he said, hurling the painful news at me without any preparation.
“I cannot believe that he would break his promise to Mother!” I cried in shock.
Jonathan sighed loudly. “That promise was made before he was made king. A king must have many potential successors.”
I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that the kingdom had a perfect crown prince and needed no other successors, but his detachment kept me at a distance. It was several moments before I could respond. “I refuse to believe that Father intends to have children with his new wife.” That was the best I could come up with.
Jonathan’s laugh was short and bitter. “Intends to? He hasn’t wasted a moment. She has given him twins.”
I was too shocked to speak. Finally, out of my confusion, I asked him the oddest question imaginable: “What are their names?”
He looked at me as if I were insane. “Is that what you care about?”
“I want to know who my new brothers are.”
“Armoni and Mephiel.” His sad smile broke my heart. “Nice names, right?”
So many things had been going on in my life around that time that I chose to postpone any other questions and take in one thing at a time. I got up and turned toward the bench at the far edge of the fig orchard.
“Don’t you want to hear about her?”
I turned to face him. He looked at me expectantly. “Fine.” I sighed. “What’s her name?”
“Rizpah daughter of Aiah, of Jabesh Gilead.”
“And what is her father’s name?”
He twisted his face in disgust. “Do you think I used her mother’s name for no reason?”
I didn’t want to get into the specifics of the questionable family circumstances of this Rizpah daughter of Aiah, but his tense expression made it clear that our conversation was not yet over.
His cheeks twitched nervously. “Do you love David?”
“More than anything in the world.”
“Then be careful. The palace is not a place to speak ill of him, even if you mean well.”
“You’re my family. Who else could help me repair my marriage, if not those closest to me?”
He looked down. “David has enemies.”
I leaned toward him and made him look at me. “Merab is not an enemy. She would never hurt my husband.”
“I’m not talking about Merab.”
I quickly thought back on everything David had done over the past year but could not come up with anything that would have made him enemies.
“I’m talking about Abner son of Ner,” Jonathan whispered.
A chill ran through me. “I’m sure Father doesn’t take that jealous man’s slander seriously.”
“Rumors can be destructive. Repeat them often enough, and people eventually start to believe them.”
“What does Abner have against David?”
“He claims the people love him too much.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Abner thinks it’s dangerous. He witnessed some of David’s visits to the army bases and told Father that the soldiers were like putty in his hands. At first I thought it was a compliment, and I wasn’t concerned, but ever since the two of you began appearing before the people, Abner hasn’t stopped warning Father that the adulation of the masses is a dangerous force.”
My hands shook uncontrollably. I folded my arms to hide the trembling from Jonathan. I wanted to appear calm. “David is doing it for Father,” I said, my voice cracking. “He obeys the king’s commands as he would obey the commands of God.”
“I know,” Jonathan mumbled with emotion.
“Then why don’t you defend him?” I turned away, trying to hold back my tears. “You love him almost as much as I do.”
“Why do you say ‘almost’?”
“Because no one can love like I do.”
* * *
One evening, Mother declared that she no longer cared that Father spent most of his time at the home of his concubine—that’s what she insisted on calling Rizpah daughter of Aiah—and that he could stay there forever as far as she was concerned. We didn’t believe her, but we were glad she was beginning to accept the situation.
Our happiness was short-lived. A few days later, Father returned to the palace and announced that his second wife and their two sons were going to move in with us. Mother remarked icily that the only available rooms were located in the servants’ quarters, but Father, who’d grown accustomed to his old wife’s new mean streak, reminded her of the abandoned home of Michal and David, saying that Abner son of Ner, who had been living there for the time being, could go back to live with his family outside the palace grounds.
Only then did Father learn that I had returned. Had these been normal times, he would have summoned me to the throne room right away, descended from his dais, and showered me with kisses. But now I had to wait a long while before being summoned, and even then he remained on his throne, looking down at me from on high. I thought bitterly to myself that he must have been dedicating most of his emotional energy to his new wife and children, and that he had only a few crumbs left for me, if that. I felt my great love for him making way for resentment, but I knew I couldn’t afford to fight with him just then, so I stretched m
y lips into a warm smile, just like I used to do, and told him that I was very willing to give up my house for his new wife and children and that I bore no grudge.
“How long do you plan on staying in the palace?” he asked, ignoring my noble concession.
I could barely contain the rage bubbling up inside me. “Indefinitely.”
I thought I detected a hint of excitement in his face, but it quickly regained its rigid expression. “Are you not going back to David?”
“He will come back to me.”
I couldn’t tell from his reaction whether my confidence made him happy or annoyed. He was straight-faced.
“Surely, you want to know why I left him,” I offered, trying to advance the conversation to my ends.
He cleared his throat and looked away. “We have much to talk about, Michal, but not right now.”
I knew very well what it meant when he cleared his throat that way: my time was up.
Eleven
Who would have believed that, of all the women in the world, it would be Mother’s new rival who would become my soul sister and take the place in my life of the sister I had lost? Why did the sight of her sad eyes make my heart flutter? Why did I take her under my wing rather than make her life miserable, as everyone expected me to? What made me want to protect her from my family’s burning resentment?
Perhaps it was the fragrance of the first rainfall rising up from her hair, sweeter than any other smell except, perhaps, for that old scent of lilies. Or perhaps it was something else. To this day, I haven’t figured out the mystery of falling in love. I only know one thing: when I woke up early in the morning to the sounds of people arriving, I never imagined that in only a few moments I wouldn’t be lonely anymore. I peeked curiously out the window, the way I did whenever something outside caught my attention, and saw two elegant chariots parked next to the house that had been given to me on my wedding day. I got dressed quickly and went out to the palace courtyard. The coachmen had taken shelter beneath the arch of the gate, trying to stay out of the hard rain that had begun to fall without warning, and they were shouting instructions to the servants unloading the chariots.
The Secret Book of Kings Page 18