Jamie shot Kelli a look from the corner on his eye. She smiled.
“At least get a little more sleep, man,” Jamie added.
“Oh-h yeah,” Fritz mumbled as he staggered back to his room. “Oh-hh yeah.”
Funny thing about New Year’s, about college life in general: no one wants to be alone on certain occasions. For even the most entrenched loners on the planet, there are simply times when solitude sucks; New Year’s Eve is one of those times. No wonder then that as the night wore on, as Fritz’s condition improved, and the volume of his voice grew louder with each round of champagne, that the people in the buildings around them, the mole people, the software engineers, and one freaky-ass nympho couple, slowly emerged from their rooms and ambled down to Gibson G, lured by the promise of booze and hedonism. By nine o’clock, two Japanese girls, neither of whom spoke a word of English, started passing around bottles of Saki and doing stripteases on the common room coffee table. That was about the time Fritz’s hangover seemed to instantly resolve itself. In another part of the room, two software engineering types, both guys, sat on a couch, laptops at the ready, as they debated the merits of various operating systems. Then there were the sketchballs, the freakshows, the guys who shaved in the dorm bathroom without shaving cream, the girls who stayed in their rooms and clung to the corridor walls whenever they ventured to the bathroom or headed out to class, even those folks, the guys and the girls, they showed up in droves. An assortment of singles slowly grew attracted to one another throughout the evening, eventually pairing off in preparation for midnight kisses, and snuck away for the final and first hook-ups of the outgoing and incoming calendar years. Jamie and Kelli laughed and whispered to each other. Fritz did his best to get in tight with the striptease girls and make his porn star fantasies come true. At midnight, the crowd paused to watch the ball drop on the television, then they went back to their respective conversations or positions. Outside, the snow was again falling. Inside, they were enjoying the last good time of the year
At some point, Kelli took Jamie by the hand and led him away. Maybe that was the last good time of the year, or the first of the next. Either way, it would be their final moment of peace for a long time to come.
CHAPTER ELEVEN – COMPLICATIONS
Classes resumed with a bang. No sleepy winter warm-up period. They were three weeks into the quarter when they left, so they jumped right back into the thick of things. January and February were always a long, grey stretch of nothing but the same. Classes and work and the weekend, repeat. Course, in routines it’s the little things that stand out, a change in mood, a bend in the monotony. It seemed to Jamie he was growing more irritable. Kelli didn’t say anything, but she also felt the shift. His actions were harsher, his response to almost everything just a bit quicker, a little sharper. What Kelli didn’t know, what Jamie kept to himself, was that little by little, he was feeling subtle shifts in his mind, little things, like a flash of an image, or a sudden daydream. Occasionally, he would totally disconnect from where he was, what he was thinking, and find himself in the middle of a moment, real or imagined, entirely removed from the present.
That was happening to him a lot actually. It worried him, but since he couldn’t find a pattern for when it was occurring, he continued going about his routine. He went to his classes. He ran. He did his work. And he hung out with Kelli. Most importantly, he did his best to ignore what was happening.
Media and the Mind was the only time he truly allowed himself to analyze how he was doing and what he was seeing. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
“Well my little media masters,” Ryan began as he walked in the door. “ I trust you all had happy, healthy, homestyle holidays. I did. Ate some tasty meals. Drank the nog. Watched It’s A Wonderful Life. Didn’t stop to process any of it. Any of you do the same?”
One or two people raised their hands. The rest of the room stayed quiet.
“Wow, everyone’s just ready and rarin’ to go I see.”
A couple of scattered, sleepy laughs.
Ryan looked around the room. Hmm, who to talk with, who to engage? Kelli and Jeff Pepper’s kid were seated next to each other in the front row. That had to be her work - no way he’d have picked that spot. Guys in wool caps were not front row sitters, so sitting in an uncharacteristic location meant one of two things: Either Pepper was interested in her, or they were fucking. Judging by the detachment in the kid’s gaze relative to their physical proximity, it had to be the latter. To mess or not to mess? The girl was cute. Hell, she’d crossed his mind on more than one occasion during the break. What was it, her hair? Her body? No, he loved her for her mind. Of course, that had to be it. He locked his eyes on Kelli and walked over to her. Jamie looked up.
“Anyone learn anything new over the holidays?” Professor Ryan turned towards Kelli. He held her gaze for a moment, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side. “Ms. Petronio? Any new experiences over the break?” He drew out his words carefully.
What the hell was this? Jamie wondered. He glanced at Kelli, who looked down at the desktop and brushed a curl of hair back behind her ear.
“Uhh,” she ran her fingers over the surface of the table. “What kind of experiences? Media experiences.”
“Whatever. Movies. Maybe you went ice skating. Maybe you skied. Decorated a tree. Made love.”
Jamie’s brow furrowed.
“Whatever you did, you must have had something to compare it to. Past experiences. Maybe, at the bare minimum, you saw someone doing it in a movie once. That had to have some influence on how you went about it, how you did it, if you enjoyed it. So, did you do any of those things? Did you enjoy them?”
Kelli’s face was getting flush. “What are you talking about? Did I make love?”
“Well, that was one of the things I mentioned. You kids, always latching onto the sex things.” Ryan turned and started for the white board in the front of the room. “ I also mentioned decorating a tree and ice skating. The picture-perfect Hallmark Christmas passtimes. Did you happen to do either one of those things this weekend? Maybe we’ll stick to the less risqué.” The class laughed. “We can save the sex talk for another day.”
“What the fuck?” Jamie muttered under his breath.
“So, Ms. Petronio...” He glanced at Jamie. “Did you happen to… decorate a tree over the past weekend?”
Kelli nodded her head, the corner of her mouth pulling up into a hooked smile. “Yes I did.”
Ryan turned and walked back towards her. “And how did it measure up?”
“Not bad. Not too bad.”
“Just like in the movies?”
“Close enough I think.”
Ryan walked over and sat on the corner of the table. “Close enough? See, now that is an interesting statement, isn’t it? Close enough. Sort of implies that there’s some sort of measuring stick to judge from. Don’t you think?”
The room was quiet, but one or two students nodded their heads. Ryan noted them silently. Most importantly, he watched Jamie Pepper’s expression. The kid did not like someone fucking with his girl. Ryan’s own mouth curled in a little smile. It had been a while since he’d had a little student fling. This one might have some real dramatic possibility. He looked at Kelli again, holding her gaze.
Jamie’s eyes were on the professor. He looked at Kelli, studying her face and eyes for some sort of discomfort, but either she didn’t pick up on the guy’s totally inappropriate string of comments, or she was enjoying it. His forehead was starting to pull in towards the bridge of his nose. His ears were getting hot. He stared at the guy, bore his eyes through this asshole. He could feel his own heart racing, hear the pulse in his ears.
Then something in his head burst. The tiniest little pop, followed by the feeling of warm, thick liquid trickling down and around the coils of his brain. His hands went limp on the table, nothing but pins and needles.
When he looked up at Professor Ryan, the guy’s expression had changed. His eyebrows wer
e now arched inward, his expression angry. Jamie turned from Kelli and focused on the professor, who was walking towards him.
“You know,” Ryan was saying, “how would you like to know what really happened to your father?”
Jamie lifted his head, returning the man’s gaze. “What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean?” Ryan replied angrily. “You’ve gotta think there’s more to the story. Don’t you? I worked with the man-“
“And what does that mean?” Jamie asked.
“I know some things-“
“Go fuck yerself-“
“I know some things!”
“Go fuck yerself!” Jamie yelled again.
Jamie turned to Kelli, who sat in her seat, staring into space. Playing with a lock of her hair. Didn’t she hear what was going on? Then Ryan was in his face again.
“What’s a suicide?” he asked. “And what’s murder?”
Jamie was quiet.
“I said, what's a suicide and what mur-”
“Would you just shut the fuck up for a minute? I’m trying to think.”
Jamie closed his eyes. Then another voice came to him through the darkness. Another voice. Calm, and collecting, and controlling.
“You’re trying to think, are you?”
Jamie nodded his head. “Yes.”
“Trying to think.”
It was Dr. Price’s voice.
Was he awake or dreaming? Jamie opened his eyes and looked around the classroom. Ryan was no longer standing in front of Jamie’s desk. Was nowhere near him. The man stood at the front of the classroom in his tweed jacket, chatting with a student, nodding his head and smiling as he spoke. Then Jamie turned to the side, and then he was in another room. Back in Dr. Price’s exam room. The good doctor was sitting on his rollaway stool, leaning in close, his hot breath burping out in hot gasps, flecks of spit hitting Jamie in the face. He heard his own voice coming up from below him.
“I’m just trying to think. I’m trying to keep my mind straight.”
Price reached for an instrument on the exam table. He’d used this thing a thousand times before. Described it as a tuning fork for Jamie’s head. Get the whole thing in working order. Keep the signals from getting tangled up again.
“My mind,” he heard himself say.
“Your mind?” Price echoed. “Your mind is not the problem. Your mind is not the issue. Your mind is not the fucking thing I’m trying to fix. Your body is the problem, and now it’s fixed. Your mind is your own fucking problem. Your mind can do whatever it goddamn pleases.”
But what about the other thing? About living his life?
Fine.
Now he was hearing Price’s voice inside his head.
You wanna live your life? Go ahead. Do your best.
Jamie leaned forward as Price brought the device to his head, started reading it’s gauges as it got close to the surface of his skin. Lights flickered and some readouts pinged. It was all very Star Trek. All very—
Jamie sat up suddenly.
He looked around.
He was sitting in a darkened room, in front of a large computer monitor. There was a knock at the door.
Now he remembered. He was in one of the computer labs on the third floor of the photo building. He’d been in here working on his assignment for M&P. What time was it? He must have been in here for hours. He looked at the clock in the corner of the monitor.
6:45
That had to be P.M.
The knocking started on the door again. He heard Victor’s voice. The cage guy. He was shouting at him.
“Time’s up buddy. Clear your stuff out, this room is booked.”
Jamie looked at the screen. Empty. What had he been doing all this time? How long had he been here? He couldn’t begin to guess, had only the vaguest recollection of even entering the building, coming in here in the first place.
“Just a minute,” he shouted toward the door as he started getting his things together.
He’d gone to class. He remembered that. He’d seen Kelli, if only briefly. They’d talked about getting together for dinner. What time exactly? He had no idea. Then there was the other thing, the thing with Price. How much of that was real? He wasn’t certain about that part either. He’d gone to see him this week. Price had adjusted the implant to try to level things off a bit, deal with the complaints Jamie was having. The headaches. A general sense of… something.
Had Price really leaned in that way? Said those things? It seemed like it might have-
“Let’s go!” Victor shouted again.
Jamie jumped to his feet, grabbed his backpack, and threw the door open. Victor jumped out of the way, then led another student inside as Jamie walked down the hall.
He returned the room key to photo cage and headed down to the main floor. The lobby was cold. Melted snow and tracked-in slush covered the brick entryway. Through the darkened windows, Jamie could see snow falling. He pulled on his gloves, zipped up his coat, and tucked his chin down. His breath warmed his stomach and chest. A gust of wind shook the double doors.
Jamie braced himself, then walked out into the darkness.
The cold air sliced into his face. He took in a long breath, feeling the chill move in through his nose and down through his chest. His mind felt clear again, but his head was still heavy. Mealy. It had been one of those days. One of those days. He could barely remember it. Getting ready. Snippets of classes. Victor yelling at him. Victor. That asshole. He’d been hoping to get more done on his photo project, but he was still far behind. He’d skip a regular dinner tonight, get a noodle cup at The Corner Store in the tunnels, then see how long he could work back in the dorms before he collapsed.
Will was sitting in the lounge, watching TV. He shot Jamie a look as he watched him put his cup of noodles in the microwave.
“How’s it going, man?” Jamie asked him.
“Fine.”
An awkward pause.
Jamie slipped his hands in his pockets and turned to the TV, nodding his head as he watched. He could still feel Will’s eyes on him and glanced back at the guy, who immediately turned to the screen.
The microwave crackled and hummed in the background.
“You have a good vacation?”
Will raised the remote and turned up the volume.
The microwave beeped.
Jamie removed his food and headed for the door.
“Good talk. Good talk.”
He walked down the hall, where various Dave Matthews Band numbers murmured out from under the doors. Jamie closed his own door behind him and sat down at his desk, propping a book open as he pulled the paper lid from his noodles and breathed in the steam. He twirled the noodles onto his fork, slurped them down, and glanced over at the answering machine. The light was blinking.
He punched the button.
“Hi, Jamie,” his mother’s voice came through the static. “I was just calling to see how you were doing.”
Jamie took another bite of noodles.
“Listen,” Lynn continued. “I was just going over the insurance statement, and I saw that you’d been in to see Dr. Price again.” She paused, trying to hide the tension in her voice. “When I called to check, his assistant said something about another visit earlier this week. Is there anything I should know about?”
No, Jamie thought to himself.
“If there’s anything happening, we need to get it taken care of.”
Nothing is happening!
“Anyway, I know I promised not to worry, but… give me a call when you have a chance.”
Nothing was happening! Nothing. Except, maybe he was losing his mind.
So, he had seen Dr. Price. He knew that he had. Those flashes were real - Price leaning in front of him, shouting in his face. “Your mind is not the issue. That is NOT the issue!” That had happened.
Then again, maybe it hadn’t. What about the rest of the day? Media and the Mind, Ryan fucking with him, messing with Kelli in front of him. What
else had or hadn’t happened today? He hadn’t run. His mind was swimming. Too much time at the computer. Too much time with the lights out, mental and otherwise. His body was aching. He walked over to the dresser and uncapped his meds, shaking a pill from each canister into the palm of his hand. He leaned his head back and tossed them in his mouth, walked down the hall and took a drink from the water fountain.
“There he is!”
Jamie turned around, wiping water from his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. Fritz was coming down the hall.
“Jamie, what’s happening?”
“Not too much, man.”
“Any plans for Saturday night?”
“I don’t know,” Jamie hesitated. “Probably.”
“Kelli, right? Man, ya gotta spread yourself around a little, don’t shoot your wad on just one girl!”
Jamie’s lip curled. “You have a way with words, Fritz.”
“Come on, you know I’ll not serious, not entirely, but all the girls have been wondering what happened to that dude in the winter cap.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’m joking with ya, man. I just want you to come out. If you want, you can bring your girl. I wouldn’t, but you can, or let me bring her, you fly solo.”
“What’s the occasion for this party?”
“Celebrating everyone getting back from break. Get things started right. We’re gonna have a dozen kegs, which you won’t even have to help deliver! Food. Music. A DJ. Girls. It’s a tradition, we do it every year.”
Jamie looked at him. His head was starting to ache. “All right, I’ll think about it, how’s that?”
“One step from going, but I’ll take it.” Fritz answered.
“Jamie!” Kelli’s voice came from down the hall.
Jamie and Fritz watched her approaching. She looked angry.
“You’re a popular guy tonight,” Fritz muttered. “You’re also in trouble apparently. Might be going to that party with me after all.”
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