by Billie Jones
‘I see,’ she said. ‘Come in, come in.’
We walked into a huge entrance hall with grey slate floors. The walls were a darker shade of grey, with the odd exception of slightly lighter window frames that stopped the monotony of the darker grey. This was literally fifty shades of grey, without the so-called mummy porn. The grime on the windows stopped most of the natural light from entering, which fitted with the whole ‘this place is a prison’ look she had going on.
‘We’ll do the reading in the library. There are no distractions there.’ We trundled behind like obedient sheep. I was suddenly sure Athena was a hired assassin and I was walking purposefully towards my death. I imagined the library decked out with tools of mass destruction. Hair crimpers, leg warmers, AB King Pro’s, that kind of thing.
‘Here we are,’ she led us into a huge room with four deck chairs and a dead plant. I didn’t trust her one little bit. ‘If this is the library, where are the books?’ I asked. JJ looked at me in consternation. I think he was worried he was about to be impaled with the leg of a piece of outdoor furniture too. ‘Yeah, where are the book shelves?’ he asked, all detective-like.
‘I lost them in the divorce, I’m afraid.’ Hmm, sounded strange to me. Who took bookshelves in a divorce? I bet her husband was buried around here somewhere.
She motioned to the deck chairs. ‘Sit, sit. Samantha, give me your handbag.’ I handed it over begrudgingly. It was white Saba and I doubted the cleanliness of her gnarled hands.
We sat down. JJ moved his chair closer to mine, met my gaze and winked. Athena looked at us and said, ‘Now, focus please. I need you both to close your eyes and think of a white light surrounding you. It’s a warm white light and it’s full of love. You’re safe. The white light of love is swirling around you.’
We giggled, which Athena took exception to.
‘Focus, children!’
Being called children only added to our mirth, and our giggles turned into gales of laughter.
‘OK, you can just pay me and leave,’ she said.
‘Sorry, sorry,’ I said. ‘I laugh when I’m nervous.’
‘I can’t switch the vision off when it starts, you know. If you want me to help, you need to be quiet and focus.’ I got it the first time she told me off. Don’t you hate people that make the same point repeatedly, just worded differently?
‘Yes, yes. I’m focusing as we speak,’ I said. JJ was staring at the floor. I think he was afraid of her. He had an incident with a school headmistress once, so anyone older and school teacher-ish frightens him. He reverts to age ten. It’s really quite funny to watch.
Athena closed her eyes and strangled my handbag like it was her long-lost husband. I feared for my iPhone with all that pressure. She started humming and then broke into a Japanese chant, which took me by surprise. I really had to try awfully hard not to laugh. Her face was twitching like Ben Cousins after a five-day bender. The Japanese chanting suddenly stopped and Athena opened her eyes and stared at something above my head. She sat silently, shaking my handbag ever so slightly. Probably trying to ‘see’ how much she could get away with charging me for this theatrical production. Getting a little bored, I glanced over at JJ, who had a look of fear etched firmly on his face. He really needed some therapy.
Athena blinked rapidly for about ten seconds and then said, ‘I know who cursed you.’
‘Well, that’s great,’ I said. ‘That’s what I’m here for. So, who is it? Kylie?’
‘No, it’s a man.’
‘Hmm. Is he dressed like a drag queen and called Betty Boo-b?’
‘No. I see horses around him. He writes down numbers. He drinks and smokes Camels.’
‘He smokes camels? How cruel!’ The things people do to defenceless animals. I was beginning to see my mother’s point.
‘The brand of cigarette, not the animal,’ she said, while suffering an unfortunate eye-rolling moment.
‘Oh, thank God for that. So, I still have no idea. Someone who rides horses and counts?’
‘She said she sees him around horses and numbers,’ said JJ.
‘He writes down the horse numbers that he gambles on at the track!’
Clarity dawned on me. ‘Oh my God! It’s Beer Belly Bob! He’s the only gambler I know.’
‘He is overweight. He has more planned for you. He seems to think you ruined his life. I keep seeing a calendar with the year 2030 written on it,’ said Athena, groggily.
‘How could I have ruined Bob’s life? I’ve only just met him!’
Athena frowned. ‘His name isn’t Bob. I’m not getting a B. It starts with W.’
‘Great. So now I need to look for another chronic gambler who drinks and smokes Camels and wants revenge for something I did?’
‘Yes. I keep seeing the year 2030. Does that mean anything to you?’
I snatched my bag back and wiped hopelessly at Athena’s grimy fingerprints. Another handbag down the drain.
‘How much do I owe you?’ I asked abruptly.
‘Two fifty. You know, don’t you? It has something to do with that year.’
I heard a sharp intake of breath and a pig-like squeal that turned out to be mine, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ I inclined my head to JJ, who shoved a fistful of dollars at her while I stomped down the dim hallway. JJ caught up with me, pulling my arm to get my attention.
‘What is it, Sam? What spooked you?’
‘Nothing. We need to get this curse reversed and then I’ll go to Paris with you.’
‘Who is it, Sam? I know you know.’
I picked up the pace and even considered running for a moment until I remembered who I was. Jesus, nearly made a huge faux pas in front of JJ, of all people.
‘You’d better not have anything to do with this, JJ, or I’ll cut off all your hair when you’re sleeping.’ I let myself out without a backward glance. Fumbling in my bag, I found the piece of paper with José’s sister’s address. I looked up to ask JJ how to get there and noticed he was missing. Oh, God. If he was stuck in the tunnel of terror, he was on his own. I wasn’t going back in there for anyone. I quickly rang his mobile. He answered on the fourth ring, ‘Yes?’
‘Where the hell are you?’
‘Why?’
‘What do you mean, why? We are sort of in a rush here to save me, the world, and life as we know it.’
‘I’m not sure I can help any more.’
‘What! This is about the hair thing, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ he said. See what I mean about him and his hair? Threaten it and he’s missing like my Cayman Island trust account.
‘OK, I won’t cut off your hair. I just feel a little vulnerable and want to be sure you have nothing to do with this.’
‘Of course I don’t! Tell me what 2030 means and we’ll sort it out.’
‘Let’s visit the Bruja first and see what she has to say.’
JJ appeared by my side. I smiled gratefully as we hung up our mobiles. He pointed to a street in the distance. ‘We go up that street there and look for a caravan park,’ he said.
‘A caravan park? She lives in a caravan?’
‘I guess so. Why?’
‘Doesn’t seem very auspicious.’
‘I don’t think she’s in the auspicious business, somehow.’
We spotted the caravan park as soon as we turned into the entrance of the street. It was rundown and full of older style vans. We walked past a battered sign on the gate saying ‘Welcome to Paradise’. People milled about near their ‘homes’.
Most of the loiterers looked retirement age. One guy tipped his cap at us and said hello, a lit cigarette stuck to his lip, bobbing with each word. I averted my gaze.
‘Here it is,’ JJ said, pointing to a metallic purple caravan.
I knocked on the door, hoping she didn’t have any sociopathic tendencies like her scary brother, José.
‘Who is it?’ a quiet voice asked.
‘How many people have booked to get a curs
e bloody reversed at six today?’ I said to JJ sarcastically.
‘Shh. She’ll hear you!’
I started to think the world had gone a little mad. How had these crazy people suddenly taken over? ‘It’s Samantha, your six o’clock.’
The door opened a fraction, and a beady black eye stared out. ‘Samantha Bevilaqua?’
‘Yes.’ Far out. A stickler for details this one.
‘Enter. My name is Kiki. Do not touch my pussy.’
‘Ah? OK.’ I said. I was clearly not dressed in my ‘I’m lesbian and proud of it’ outfit and JJ was obviously gay, but I guess if you lived in a two by three space you had to have boundaries.
We sat on a lilac-coloured vinyl seat that doubled as a bed. I felt claustrophobic and in danger of being decapitated by the various chimes, feathers and dried leather hanging from the ceiling of the caravan. I hoped it was leather from a cow, not a … best I didn’t think too hard about the assortment of weird threatening to rain down on me.
She sat opposite us, stroking a pale-pink cat. It was one of those furless sphynx felines that looked seriously in need of a decent meal. Kiki’s eyes bored into mine while I sat uncomfortably, trying not to avert my gaze. I had my hand on my pepper spray in my pocket just in case she turned into some knife-wielding maniac.
She looked like a sweet, young Mexican woman. She had long black hair tied into a plait that hung down her back. Small black eyes, not evil-looking at all like José’s. She wore a cheesecloth skirt, which did bother me because it was very similar to the type my mother wore and Mum was at least thirty years older than Kiki. I almost said something to her about it, but remembered I can’t help everyone.
‘I will light some candles and perform the reverse ritual,’ she said in her unusually quiet voice. ‘I need you to be very still. Don’t make a sound or it won’t work. Do you know who put the curse on you?’
‘Yes, I have a fair idea,’ I said. ‘When we reverse it, what will happen to him?’
‘Whatever he wished for you will revert back to him with as much force as it had with you, sometimes even more.’
Hmm. Ogres. Fire. A car accident. Financially ruined. Status, gone.
‘What if it’s impossible for half of those things to happen? He’s already financially ruined and I can’t see him being involved in a car accident where he is.’
‘He wouldn’t have wished those things specifically on you. He would have cursed your happiness. The things you relish to be taken away. Like financial freedom or appearance and popularity, in your case.’
‘Oh, I see. OK, let’s get this started. I mean, I just hope it’s not too bad for him when we reverse it that’s all.’
‘Ah. It’s someone you love. He will need to see the Brujeria who cursed you in the first place and remove the curse and he’ll be fine.’
It was all so technical. Kiki lit four red candles that were placed in a square around us. She sprayed the air above our heads with some horrible-smelling water. ‘Close your eyes and keep very still,’ she said.
I felt a chill as soon as she spoke. Goosebumps broke out all over my body. She started a very low, indecipherable mumble. The candles flickered as her voice became louder. Eventually, we could hear her. ‘Unwanted curse, please reverse.’
That’s it? That’s the science behind reversing a curse? I expected her to chant in a different language at least. The candles stopped flickering and her eyes opened. ‘Done,’ she said.
Done? Hmm. ‘Yay,’ I said, only slightly sarcastically. ‘So that’s it? My life should go back to normal?’
‘Yes.’
‘Seems sort of a big deal about nothing now, doesn’t it?’ I asked JJ.
Kiki shushed, ‘You feel like that because no one has any power over you any longer.’
‘How much do we owe you?’ I said, as JJ groped at his back pocket for his wallet.
She opened one of the tiny cupboards in what I presume was her kitchen because it housed a small silver kettle and took out another spray bottle and a bar of brown soap. ‘You need to spray your house with this every day for the next few weeks. It’s Florida water. It will help cleanse the negative energy and help prevent any more curses.’ She handed me the spray bottle, which I immediately handed to JJ. ‘This is camphor soap. You need to wash with this for the next few weeks too. Wash from the top down, washing the negativity down the drain.’ I took the offending soap that smelled like a mop bucket that had just cleaned the floor of a fish and chip shop, and held it away from me. I only used rancid-smelling stuff when it had a designer label on it and cost me a fortune.
‘Ah, thanks. I’ll be sure to use it religiously. How much do we owe you?’ I asked again, eager to get out of old claustrophobia-ville.
‘I don’t charge to reverse curses, so I can’t be implicated in any way,’ she said, back to her almost-inaudible voice.
‘Hmm, smart. OK, well this was fun and all.’ I stood to leave, well, as much as you can stand in a caravan. ‘Oh, what about the kimono?’
‘You can keep it. The kimono was only a vessel for the curse. You were forced to buy it that day, whether you knew it or not.’
Dodgy. I wondered if I’d been cursed a lot before. I come home with all sorts of highly expensive purchases that I regret almost instantly. ‘What about the Brujeria symbols along the bottom? That seems a bit strange for a Japanese kimono.’
‘They’ll be gone when you look at it next. Out of curiosity, what colour were they?’ Kiki asked, as the emaciated cat did laps around her ankles.
I looked over at JJ who spotted the symbols in the first place.
‘They were dark blue with a yellow insert.’
She nodded with recognition, ‘Ah, done by a Brujo, a male witch. He goes by the name of Herve. Last I heard, he was in jail.’ The cat let out a plaintive meow.
I felt my face drain of colour for the second time that day, ‘OK, great. Let’s go, JJ. Thanks, Kiki, hopefully I never have to see you again.’
JJ looked alarmed. ‘She meant that as …’’
Kiki laughed. ‘It’s OK. I know what she meant.’
We let ourselves out of the caravan door that would be an adequate size for the seven dwarfs. JJ huffed ahead of me, clearly annoyed at something. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ I asked.
‘You are so insensitive sometimes! The cat that was twirling around her feet was another Bruja! And you hissed at it when Kiki wasn’t looking!’
‘Freak me, now I’ve heard it all! That cat smelled like sour milk. Sour milk cloys, you know. I couldn’t take the risk! How can a cat be a witch, anyway?’
‘The Brujas are shape-shifters. They can change into cats, coyotes … ’
I laughed at JJ’s stupidity. He takes things so seriously sometimes. ‘How do you know it wasn’t just your everyday, mangy, under-fed feline?’
‘Didn’t you see her confer with it?’
‘Ah, no, I didn’t. I was too busy trying to hold back my laughter at “please reverse the unwanted curse”. They say they’re sixth-generation Brujeria and have studied all this mumbo jumbo by correspondence, and that’s it? A rhyme a three-year-old could say! I think you may be reading a little too much into this, JJ.’
‘I think, as usual, Samantha, you don’t take things seriously enough.’
Chapter 22
The Wrap Up
I was about to respond to his ridiculous statement when our iPhones beeped frantically. I must have had at least one email.
‘The Internet must be up again! Disaster has been averted! I’ve managed to save the world!’ We both scrambled for our phones to see who wanted our attention so desperately.
‘I might be a while,’ JJ said, ‘I’ve got quite a few here to read.’
‘Me, too. Maybe we should go get a drink at Toff’s?’
After the lunch rush, Toff turned the cafe into a wine bar. The sequin-encrusted counter was wheeled away and replaced with a black granite island. The lime-green and orange seventies booth cushions were turne
d over to reveal dark-red leather. The lights dimmed down to sexy and the place was transformed into a sleek, sophisticated bar. Toff usually changed from outlandish, overtly camp drag queen into a very glamorous chick with a hot body, killer dress sense and a slightly worrying lump at the Adam’s apple level.
‘OK,’ agreed JJ, ‘as long as it’s not awkward.’
‘I think, after the week I’ve had we can all be adults about our situation.’
He nodded acquiescence and we ambled off to Toff’s. I wondered why I hadn’t heard from my mother. It was unlike her not to call and wheedle me twice a day. I guessed Beer Belly Bob had something to do with it. He’d brainwashed her somehow.
We walked into the bar and took a table at the window. One of Toff’s peons took our order of two Scarlett O’Haras. I saw Kylie heading towards us with either Sam or Michael. Those two were so damn identical it was impossible to guess right.
‘Kylie.’ I stood and motioned for her to join us.
‘Samantha, JJ.’ She leaned in and kissed JJ and shook my hand. ‘You guys remember Michael, don’t you?’
‘Commiserations to Sam, I guess,’ I whispered to JJ.
‘Sit, sit,’ JJ said.
Michael coughed into his hand like he wanted to suffocate the lies he was about to tell. ‘Ah. I don’t want to sound like a stickler for details, but the restraining order I put on Samantha a few months ago stipulates she can’t be within a few feet of me.’
‘Oh, I think you’re mistaken.’ I said. ‘Your brother put that restraining order on me.’
Kylie grabbed his hand, pulling him to the chair and mumbled something to him. He sat next to her and studied the floor intently. He was probably a neat freak like Kylie, searching for invisible germs.
‘So, Sammy, you’ve had a bad day then, by the looks of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest, the chain email and text?’
‘If you were a negative person, totally into themselves, yes, maybe. I like to think of myself as a positive person with everyone else’s best interests at heart. I had a bad day in some respects, but I’m no longer cursed, no longer have rental responsibilities, have two hot boyfriends, and I’m about to travel around the world first class to find, ah, myself.’