by Shaw, Vicki
A week has past and Martin has not been back here to see me. I know he is still in Rockhampton, Carly and Matt are staying in the same motel as him. Jake has been to see me a few times and has brought in other officers to take my statement. I still have not told them where I think the file is. I want to get there myself when I get out. These are the last memories I have of my parents.
I have decided that I am going to sell the house. Even if I did want to live in Rockhampton, I do not think I could ever live in that house again. All the bad memories outweigh the good ones now.
I am having nightmares just about every night about Jayce beating me. They are so real I feel like I am back in the basement. The hospital staff have been amazing. They have organised a counsellor to come in for a couple hours a day. She has helped me so much. At first, I did not want to talk about it so she would just come in and sit with me until I was ready to talk. She has helped me come to turns with Mums murder, Dads death and my ordeal in the basement. I have a very long road ahead of me but at least now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I still have not decided what I want to do about the baby and Martin. I love Martin with all my heart and soul, but I just cannot overcome the feeling I get that if I commit to him I will lose myself more than I am already lost. There are so many things I have running through my head about the baby. There is no way I could have an abortion, that would rip out my heart knowing I killed something that was part of Martin and me. I do not know if Martin would let me give the baby up for adoption to a loving family or not. Maybe if he does not want to sign the adoption papers, he can raise it by himself. I need to sort my head out so I can sit down and talk about it with him.
The last time Jake was here, he told me about what was happening with Jayce, Andrew, Steve and The Boss. It looks like they are all going to spend a very long time behind bars. Jayce is looking at the longest incarceration of them all. He has been charged with a whole lot more than the others. Jake still wants to find the file, as he is sure it will lead to all the children and women who have been sold into the underground sex industry. I have told Jake about my plans to sell the house and he agrees it is probably for the best. I also told him that as soon as I get, released from here I want to go to the house. However, I haven’t told him why. He thinks it is just so I can say goodbye. He has offered to take me and has informed me that Martin wants to be there as well. I have no objections to him being there. In fact, I think I will need the support and I am grateful Martin is going to be there for me.
FOURTEEN
Roxie
Finally, they are letting me leave this place. I have been in here now for two and a half weeks, not that I remember the first few days and only bits and pieces of the rest of the first week and a half. They would have let me go sooner but because I have to travel and they are still a little concerned about the baby they made me stay the extra few days.
Carly and Matt dropped off some new clothes for me last night before they flew back to Brisbane on a late flight. I tried to get Carly alone by asking Matt to get me something to eat so I could grill her about what is going on with her and Matt. As soon as I asked about it, she clammed up and would not say a word. She would not even tell me what was going on with her and Max. She just kept saying she did not want to talk about it right now and she would talk to me when I was out of here and back at her place.
While I am waiting for Jake and Martin to pick me up, the doctor and nurse came to do my final check and give me all my discharge information, including a list of obstetricians he recommends in Brisbane.
Jake and Martin walk into my room and my eyes find Martins face. He looks a little better than the last time he was here. He is clean-shaven but still looks like he has not been sleeping. Jake comes over and draws me into his arms for a friendly hug. We have become close friends over the last couple of weeks. He has been here for a few hours every day. At the start, he tried to get me to see and talk to Martin but soon got the message that if he was coming to see me he was not to talk about him. Martin gives Jake a death look that Jake does not see, but I do. When Jake releases me, I walk over to Martin and wrap my arms around his waist. He pulls me in closer to his body. The minute I smell his scent and feel his strong arms around me I feel like I have come home. “I’ve been so worried about you and the baby Roxie. I’ve missed you so much.” He said as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. My heart cracks a little more when I hear the very soft sobs coming from him. I pull him a little closer knowing that he is not going to like what I have to say when we do finally sit down and talk. Jake clears his throat behind us. “We better get going if we are going to make our take-off time and go to your house, Roxie.” As I pull away from Martin, I see him wipe away a stray tear running down his face. I turn to pick up my bag, but Jake already has it in his hand.
The drive to my house is one of silence. Jake is driving and Martin is in the front seat next to him. I am sitting behind Jake mostly looking out my side window. Every now and again, I glance at Martin. He is looking out his side window and looks like he is lost in his own thoughts. I take the time to study his face. He has aged over the last few weeks. The soft lines that were around his eyes have deepened slightly. His jaw is set harder somehow. It has not taken away from his good looks if anything it makes him more striking.
As we enter my street, my anxiety spikes. I do not know if I will be able to get out of the car. Flashbacks are running through my head. It feels as though I am suffocating. I cannot breathe. I start to claw at my throat. I need air. My vision goes black. The next thing I know strong arms are holding me, I start to fight. I need to get away; I need to get to safety.
“Roxie, Roxie. You’re safe. Roxie, you need to slow your breathing down.” The dark cloud is slowly starting to recede. I start to get my breathing under control and can see Martins face only centimetres from mine. The look on his face tells me everything that he is feeling. Hurt, fear, understanding, sadness and love. I can see so much love in his eyes my heart skips a beat. He pulls me into his chest and holds on as if I might disappear or leave at any moment.
As the tremors that are coming from both our bodies start to fade, I pull away a little and look around. We are sitting on the grass out the front of my house. I do not know how I got out of the car and onto the ground. I look at Martin’s face and see blood on his lip. “Did I do that to your lip?” I gasp in horror, bringing my finger up to gently wipe away the blood. “God you just scared me half to death. I am not worried about my lip. What the hell just happened?” he said as he is searching my face. “I don’t know. When we drove into this street, I started to have flashbacks. They were so real like I was back in the basement with Jayce beating me and about to rape me.” Tears are running down my face. “Aw god he didn’t rape me did he? I was lying on the floor. He ripped all my clothes off saying he was going to fuck me while he was sitting on me, hitting me. I blacked out. Martin, please tell me he did not rape me.” I am speaking so fast and even I can hear the horror in my voice. My breathing starts to pick up pace again and I can feel the panic start to take over. Martin is running his hand down my hair trying to sooth me. “SShhh. It’s ok. All the tests they ran at the hospital said that he didn’t and when he was interviewed he told them that he was about to but got interrupted by the phone ringing nonstop. Look at me Roxie.” He places his finger under my chin and lifts it so I can see his face. “He did not rape you.” I can see the truth in his eyes. My body relaxes just a little. “Why didn’t you ask them in the hospital? You could have saved yourself so much worry.” He asks softly. “I didn’t want to know because I was scared that if they said he did I would lose it and not come back.” I say and Martin pulls me into his chest. “I would never let you go, Roxie. No matter where you went, I would be there to bring you home.” I don’t understand why he is always so sweet to me when I am such a bitch to him.
“Are you sure you are up to this Roxie? You know you do not have to come back here?” Jake said as
he kneels down next to me putting his hand on my shoulder. “I know, but I do need to do this. There is something in the back yard I need to find. I will have to get into the garden shed to get a shovel.” Jake and Martin look at each other and shrug their shoulders in an ‘I don’t have a clue’ manner.
As we are walking around the side of the house, Jake asks, “Are you going to tell us what you are going to dig up?” I give them both a smug smile before answering. Before Mum died, Mum and Dad thought, it would be a great idea to bury a time capsule. Of course being a teenager, I thought the whole thing was lame. They made me get a couple of things to put in, but I never saw what they put in. While I was in the basement, I had a dream or memory or something about a day just before Dad died. He told me not to forget about the time capsule. This is the last place that the file could be. We have looked everywhere else.” Jake looks at me as if he wants to murder me and the look Martin gives isn’t much better. I bite my bottom lip waiting for the blasting I know is coming. “Don’t bother biting your lip trying to look all cute and shit Roxie. I can’t believe you didn’t tell us about this sooner. Why the hell didn’t you tell us?” Crap, Martin is angrier than I thought. “Fuck me, Roxie you know how important the information is that is on that file. It could lead to the rescue of hundreds of girls and women.” Jake lets out a frustrated breath. “Well, there is also a good chance that it is not even in there or that it never existed in the first place. Mum may have destroyed it before she died. This is the last thing I have left of my parents and I wanted to be here when it was dug up. If you can’t understand that, then that’s too bad.” I do feel bad that if there is information they have been looking for and it is in there, then I have condemned those poor people to three more weeks of hell. After what I have just been through I could not imagine going through it for weeks, months or even years like some of these women and children have. I knew that Jake and Martin would find me, but these people probably have no hope, thinking no one will ever find them. Right now I have to put that out of my mind. When and if the file is in there and when and if Jake can find these people I will help them in any way I can, but first I have to get myself in the right frame of mind and sort out my life.
Jake breaks the lock on the garden shed so I can get a shovel, I hand it to Jake and we walk over to where I remember the time capsule was put so many years ago. I point to the bottom of an old gum tree that towers over the top of all the house roofs. “Do you know how far down it is?” Jake starts to dig in the hard, dry ground. “I was not out here when they buried it, sorry.” Jake is about half a meter down when he hit what sounds like tin. We all look at each other. I start to get excited. It feels like Christmas morning when I was a kid. Jake finishes digging around the tin as much as he can with the shovel, then goes down on his hands and knees to finish. Finally, he pulls an old tin from the ground and hands it to me.
My hands are shaking so much that I just about drop it to the ground. “Why don’t you go and sit over by the pool. We will wait over here and give you a few minutes to go through it.” Martin always seems to know what I need. Well except when he can’t get his own way. I slowly walk over to the pool gate, open it and walk over to the table. I sit and place the tin on the table. I have to take a few deep breaths to calm my shaking hands. At first, the lid is a little hard to get off because of the years it has spent in the dirt. Once I wedge it open, I slowly lift the lid. I hold my breath until I can see what is in there.
On the top is what looks like a handwritten letter in Mums handwriting.
Dear Roxie,
If you are reading, this then I, and maybe your father have passed away. In this tin contains some of my most treasured memories, as you will see when you look through. I know you were not happy about taking part in making this tin, but now I hope you can cherish the memories within.
I don’t know how old you are or whether you are married and have your own children but please know I am proud of you. If you are anything like you were when I wrote this letter I know you have grown into a beautiful, independent, successful woman. You were always so strong willed. You knew what you wanted and fought until you succeeded. Don’t ever lose those qualities. Don’t ever forget who you are deep down. If you are true to yourself, you will achieve all your dreams, and you will find your true happiness. All you have to do is look deep inside yourself. I love you more than anything else on this earth. Always remember that and believe that even though I am gone I am always in your heart and looking down on you.
This next part of my letter is the hardest part for me to write. I have put a file in here to keep it safe. Please give it to the Australian Federal Police, try to find Detective Sinclair; He is the only one I trust. Under no circumstances are you to open this file, if you do your life will be in danger. I never wanted to put you or your father in danger, but I also had to do what I could to help these women and children that are suffering at the hands of monsters. Your father knew about this and understood why I needed to keep the file safe. If he is alive, please don’t be mad at him. We talked about what I should do for hours tonight and this is what we decided needed to be done. I know he is worried about all our safety and I hate seeing him stressed over this. He is sleeping next to me while I write this letter I don’t know if they have found The Boss and all the other people involved in this horrendous organisation, but it runs deep, deeper than anyone thought. This file will help them get everyone involved.
Roxie always remember your father and I love you and have always been proud to call you our daughter.
Always in my heart
Mum xoxoxo.
Tears are running a river down my face as I fold the letter back up and place it on the table next to the tin. I look through the rest of the stuff that Mum and Dad had placed in there. My wrist and ankle bracelets from when I was born, my first tooth, a lock of my baby hair and an assortment of photos ranging from my first baby photo through to the weekend before Mum buried the tin were all in there. All I added was a photo of Carly and me, a photo of my favourite band and a pair of earrings Mum and Dad gave me for my tenth birthday. I place everything except the letter and file back into the tin and put the lid back on.
Martin and Jake must see that I am finished and walk over. I stand up and hand Jake the letter and file, then fall into Martin’s arms. After a time, Martin sits and pulls me onto his lap. I can vaguely hear Jake’s voice but not what he is saying. He must have walked away to speak to whoever he is talking to.
I must doze off for a little while because the next thing I know, Martin and Jake are talking in whispers. Even though they are keeping their voices down, I can hear the anger from both of them. “I don’t think she should be involved in this. She has been through enough and the extra stress is no good for her or the baby. They are my number one priority and I intend to keep them safe and as stress-free as possible.” I can feel Martins chest vibrate as he speaks. “I can understand that, but you have to let her decide for herself. If she wants to know, do you really think you are going to be able to keep it from her?” Jake is trying to reason with Martin. “He is right Martin. I want to know everything. I want to be involved. This is what got my Mother killed and me beaten half to death. I need to know who is responsible and I will do whatever I have to get the answers. I want to help find the people who have been taken.” After reading Mum’s letter, some of my old self has come back. Some of the fight I had lost over the years is starting to run through my blood again. At this moment, I decide I am the one who is going to lead my life. I just don’t know yet if Martin will be part of it or not. After what the other two men, I thought I loved had done to me it is going to take me time to be able to let anyone else that close to me again. “Fine, I’m not going to fight with you about it now. We are already running late to get to the airport. We can add it to the already very long list of shit we need to sort out.” Martin sounds deflated. He lifts me off his lap, stands up and walks out the front to the car.