But how could I possibly help her when I couldn’t even solve my own problems? My best friend had turned against me. My enemy befriended my best friend. I had no reason to go back home.
I stepped out of Tilly’s apartment with renewed strength. I might as well plan a wonderful party while I was here.
“What’s got your thoughts all in a bundle, my dear?” Tilly asked me on the way out of her apartment. No one could understand the thoughts going through my head. Not my mother. Not Heather. Not Quiana, Amir, or even Tilly. We walked down the sidewalk quickly and made it to the station just as a train was pulling to a stop.
“Nothing I want to even try and explain right now,” I told her. She looked hurt. “Hey, Tilly, you know what? Go on without me. I have a quick stop to make.”
She knew I was keeping a secret from her. But not one she needed to know about right away. I hugged her and promised to meet her uptown in less than an hour.
“One hour. I mean it, girl,” she said sternly. “And then I’m sending someone after you. Mark my words.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll show up, I just have something I need to take care of,” I told her. I knew she was serious. The wrinkles between her brows were scrunched. But I had no intention of being late. The conversation I intended to have would only take a few minutes.
I walked to a corner store in the opposite direction. I bought breakfast and started combing the streets. It only took me twenty minutes to find him. Rex was squatting behind the basketball courts.
“Well, well, well, look what the cat drug in this fine morning,” he said, smiling. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night. Every piece of clothing he wore was tattered down to the last thread, like he’d been through a paper shredding machine. I set a package of blueberry Pop-Tarts on top of the shopping cart where all of his life possessions were piled.
“I’m still here,” I said. “Hey, Rex, how are you?”
“Good for you,” he said, sort of ignoring my question. “We need the nice folk like you to stay around this neighborhood. Seems like everyone grows up and moves away. Not me, I’m staying around forever.”
Rex always said something to make me feel better. It never dawned on me that someone like Rex could have so many important things to say. There was always a deeper meaning behind his words.
“I’m good now,” he said, ripping the Pop-Tarts open. “Were you looking for me?”
“Yeah, actually I was,” I told him. He took a giant-sized bite from the first Pop-Tart. A few crumbs fell from his lips. “I had something I wanted to ask you.”
“Okay, shoot,” Rex said. He turned so he was facing me. “What is it?”
He smiled and finished the rest of his breakfast while I pitched my idea to him. He was very patient and let me finish all I had to say. Every few minutes he nodded his head or grunted a little in response, but that was it. When I was done, he smiled a little, stood, and rolled his cart off down the street.
About ten feet away he said, “Very interesting indeed,” but never turned around.
I arrived in the Bronx with fifteen minutes to spare, but I rushed to find Tilly so she would stop worrying. I found her in the multipurpose room with the rest of my nonenthusiastic planning committee. Shaunda, Susan, and Maria were lounging on a sofa with books close to their noses. Rochelle and Monique were browsing through a Black Hair magazine. Quiana was nearby in a corner alone, twirling a cigarette around and around in her fingers. Tilly, Coach, and Red were in another corner talking.
I looked around the room. We weren’t that different at all. I just had to convince the girls we could work together.
“Ooh wee, look, everybody.” Rochelle lowered the magazine. “Someone finally got a makeover. Self-discovery is a beautiful thing.”
Rochelle and Monique cracked up laughing. I ran my fingers through the braids Tilly had put in my hair and walked around them to have a seat with the other girls. Rochelle stuck out her foot like she was going to trip me, but I saw her first and stepped over. She wiped tears away from the corners of her eyes, she was laughing so hard.
“Your hair looks really pretty like that, mami,” Maria said, smiling at me. She made space for me on the couch and I sat down. Susan smiled, too, agreeing with her.
“Yeah, it sure does look pretty,” Rochelle said, “looks like someone wanted to look just like you, Quiana.”
The girls started laughing again. They did look a little like her braids but it was a completely different design. Quiana wasn’t the type of girl to be flattered by copycats.
“Actually, it looks decent,” Monique said, not looking up from the magazine. I knew she wasn’t reading anymore, because Rochelle had half of it folded in her hands. Rochelle and Quiana looked at her, but no one said anything.
Red walked over to us then to make sure we had an idea of what we needed to get accomplished for the day. “You don’t have long, ladies, so I would get down to business if I were you.”
Red reminded us that everyone had a role to play in the planning and we should be open-minded and willing to listen. After that, she was gone, and she took Tilly and Coach with her.
The floor was mine and all eyes were on me, some squinted, some slanted, some wide-eyed, but they were all on me. I could feel my heart beating through my shirt.
“Well, who knew? Sellout hasn’t given up yet after all,” Quiana said loudly. “Still think you can pull this off?”
“Yep, and you’re gonna help me,” I said, with my shoulders back, ready for an attack.
“We’ll see,” she said, spitting sarcasm like venom.
“You have something I want and I have something you want, so we might as well work together,” I told her, ignoring all the oohs and aahs coming from the other girls. Those were fighting words, but I hadn’t meant them to come out so harshly. I braced for a hit. She sized me up for a minute and laughed it off.
“Let’s get to work before you make me mad, Sellout,” she said. And that was it. It was time to work. I was jumping up and down inside at my small victory with Quiana.
“Okay, I made a list of some things for the reception,” I said, my voice shaking a little. “Let me know if any of these things appeals to you.”
I read from the list about floral decorating ideas, menu varieties, and guest speakers. With every word out of my mouth, I heard a new sound.
“We could have…”
Sneeze.
“…um, salmon and rice.”
Cough.
“Or we could have…chicken and salad.”
Hiccup.
“Roses are nice and appropriate for the…”
Another sneeze.
Finally, I just stopped reading.
“Well, that was a lovely list,” Rochelle said, “but I’m sure we have better ideas.”
She slapped five with Quiana and reached to do the same with Monique. Monique ignored her.
“I like the idea of roses,” she said, shocking everyone. I wrote down roses and watched a few heads nodding in agreement. “We could use them on the tables around the food and around the stage area.”
I wrote that down, too.
“And how about matching outfits for all the girls?” Maria added, holding on to her stomach. She shifted in her seat. “Or how about robes? We could wear blue robes with pink ribbons.”
This was great. I wrote every idea down and listened to the girls argue about the blue and pink ribbons. No one liked that idea except for Maria, but everyone was involved. Even Quiana jumped in a few times to add her two cents.
“There ain’t no way I’m wearing a robe,” she said, leaning all the way back in her seat and stretching her legs out in front of her. “That would look crazy anyway, Maria. Why don’t you just sit back and take care of that baby?”
Maria made a face, and shifted again in her chair. She rubbed her hands across her forehead and her belly.
“I would like to hear our names read at a podium,” Susan said quietly, almost so softly that we had to lean in
to hear her. “When my brother graduated from college they had a podium, a large screen, and some guy was saying their names. It was exciting, like the start of a basketball game or something when they call out the team names.”
Her face was red and she was really excited about it.
I looked around at each girl and everyone had smiles. Finally, one thing we all agreed on. I wrote that down, too.
“That is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard,” Quiana said, folding her arms.
“Well, I haven’t heard you come up with anything better,” I said, a little too quickly. All the laughter stopped. Quiana uncrossed her arms. I wasn’t scared anymore. “Well? Let’s hear your ideas if you have them, Quiana.”
I had a full list of great ideas. Quiana had laughed at all of them. She had to come up with something better or I didn’t want to hear from her. If she didn’t want to get recognized for helping me, that was fine, but I had decided this reception was going to be a nice one, with or without her.
The girls waited for what seemed like an eternity and they all looked as shocked as I felt. We waited and waited and waited to see what Quiana was going to say—more important, what Quiana was going to do.
She had her fists twisted up into balls, but loosened them again.
“If you’re going to recognize me, I want some of my home girls doing it,” she said roughly. And that was it. Little did she know she came up with the best idea I had written down. I looked at all the girls sitting around the circle and knew exactly who to assign that responsibility to.
I wrote it in my notebook along with the other ideas and smiled at her. She scowled at me and sat back again. We went back to talking about flowers.
Maria wanted sunflowers and shifted in her seat again. When Monique suggested lilies, Maria cried out louder than all of us. She grabbed her stomach and fell out of the chair.
“Maria!” Quiana was on her feet fast. She and Rochelle pulled Maria back up onto the chair and I ran for help.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
AMBER’S PLACE WAS eerily quiet, almost like we were in a haunted house and were waiting for the ghost to jump from a dark closet and scare us. Tilly and Red had gone straight to Harlem Medical Center to check on Maria.
“She’ll be alright, baby,” Tilly had said after dropping me off, “she’s having a baby, not dying. You girls carry on and plan a good show for her when she comes home.”
We all knew Tilly was right, but the thought of Maria lying in a hospital bed alone was too scary. The girls piled into the main room of the center one by one, but no one made a sound, no loud music playing, no fighting, no talking trash, no talking at all.
Coach walked in shortly after all of us and blew her whistle even though she already had our full attention.
“Okay, ladies, for those of you who don’t know, Maria is at the hospital,” she started, forcing the words out of her mouth. The armpits of her T-shirt were soaked with sweat like she’d jogged five miles to meet us. “We don’t have any news yet, but as soon as we know, you’ll know, too. She’s a month away from her due date, but I’m sure mom and baby will be fine. Business as usual until we hear otherwise.”
I could feel the other girls eyeing me.
“Well, boss, what’s it gonna be?” Susan asked, standing up and stretching. It was nerve-wracking having all the girls waiting for me to take charge. But we still had a recognition ceremony to plan for Thursday night. Strangely, though, I was okay with it. It would be a welcome distraction from thinking about Maria.
I motioned for the girls to follow me, but I pulled Shaunda to the side first and whispered in her ear. She grinned and followed the rest of us into a corner of the lounge area.
“Okay, let’s talk about what we have so far so we can place orders today,” I said. The girls jumped in like I was giving prizes for the most suggestions. After a few hours we’d gone through a mock program, chosen the food, assigned decorations to Rochelle and Monique and certificates of completion to Quiana and me. I was pleasantly surprised at how willing the girls were to help with the planning, everyone except for Monique. She sat quietly throughout the entire meeting with her head down.
“Monique, are you okay?” I asked, during a break.
“Yeah, it’s nothing,” she said, wiping a tear away.
“Are you sure?” I asked her, not knowing if I was the right person to be prying in her private business. When she didn’t swing at me or call in her bodyguards, I sat down next to her.
She shook her head no, but started talking anyway. “He just won’t leave me alone.” I assumed she was talking about Gray Hairs, the loser boyfriend who showed up for visitor’s day.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I told him I didn’t want to go with him anymore and he flipped out,” she cried. “He was waiting for me when I got home yesterday and said he’s going to be waiting for me every day until I take him back. He’s crazy.”
I looked around to find one of her friends so they could help her. Of course, I was the only one around. Tilly and Red were at the hospital. Coach was in her office waiting for news from the hospital. The other girls had run to get snacks and have a smoke before we started again. It was only me.
“So, what are you going to do?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess I just have to go back to him.”
Monique wiped her face with a crumpled Kleenex. Clearly going back to her loser boyfriend wasn’t the right choice, but I didn’t know if she would want to hear it from me. No one else was around, so I had to say something.
“Monique, you don’t have to go back to him,” I said quietly.
She looked at me out of the corner of her eye.
“You don’t know anything about my life,” she said.
She was right. But I did know she shouldn’t have to be in a relationship that was unhealthy or unsafe. There had to be another way.
“You’re right, I don’t know,” I said, “but I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t be,” she said sarcastically. “I’ll be fine. I always am.”
“Isn’t there someone at home you can talk to?” I asked, feeling really sorry for her. If I had a problem like hers, I could go to Tilly right away. My parents would be there for me, too. “What about your family?”
She sucked her teeth and looked at me again. “My stepdad is the only one. He works a lot, and doesn’t have time for my mess.”
“What about talking to one of your friends here?”
She looked at me like I told her pigs were now flying.
“I thought they were your best friends in the world,” I told her.
“Shows you how fake some people can be,” she said. I could tell she was referring to herself. “All the girls here have some secret they are carrying around, including me.”
“Most of my life I’ve been pretty fake, too,” I said. I thought about dancing in Adams Park, competing to grow my hair like my white friends at home, and praying that I would wake up with lighter skin so the boys would like me.
I didn’t know where the words came from, but my tears came from deep down inside. Monique was already crying, so we both sat quietly for a minute, just trying to understand each other’s pain.
“I was so scared to come here,” I told her. “But I’m learning it’s easier just to be myself, because there’s always gonna be someone like Quiana or Rochelle who won’t like me. It just isn’t worth it.”
She didn’t say anything, but I saw her nodding her head like she was hearing me.
“No hard feelings?” she asked, out of nowhere. It was her best attempt at an apology. She held her fist in front of me and I tapped hers with my own.
She handed me a Kleenex and I wiped my face dry. Truly I wanted to help Monique. Maybe Tilly or Red could talk to her.
“Can’t you just decide for yourself not to see him anymore?” I asked. “I don’t have any of the answers and I don’t know what you’re going through, but you seem like you’ve
made up your mind about him already. That doesn’t mean you have to go back.”
“Yeah, I know,” she said, “thanks for listening.”
“Anytime,” I said, dabbing my eyes. We had addressed so much in our moment but I wasn’t sure we’d resolved anything. It was nice to hear her apology, but I wished I could give her more answers to her problem with her boyfriend.
The other girls joined us again and took their seats. Thankfully, they didn’t notice anything.
“So, who’s giving our speech on Thursday?” Quiana asked. Good question. We didn’t have much time left and the details still weren’t all in place. I turned right to Quiana and winked and she started waving her hands frantically like I was trying to spray her with cheap cologne. “Oh, no, you already know that I ain’t doing it.”
Everyone laughed. Monique kept her head low. Shaunda slowly raised her hand in the air, like she was waiting for a teacher to call on her, so I did.
“What?” I asked. “You want to do it?”
Shaunda nodded, but looked at the other girls cautiously.
“What could you possibly have to say in front of a crowd of people?” Quiana teased her. She leaned forward and pressed her elbows into her knees. “You can’t even talk in front of us.”
I thought she would have a meltdown, but Shaunda took a deep breath to calm herself.
“I have a voice and a story to tell,” she said, more calmly than I would have been able to. I recalled our conversation on Tilly’s stoop and prayed Shaunda wouldn’t start crying. The girls would eat her alive. But she didn’t cry, she narrowed her eyes and sat up straighter. “I thought I’d start off by telling everyone about how I was bullied for years, how I started believing the lies and began hurting myself, but that after spending time working on building my self-confidence here at Amber’s Place, I no longer let other people’s foolishness run my life. I’m the only one who can help me survive, no one else.”
Her jaw was clenched and she looked directly at Quiana. The whole room shifted uncomfortably. She and Quiana were in some sort of staring match. I looked back and forth, waiting for one or the other to pounce, but neither did. Quiana nodded and slowly leaned back in her chair. Shaunda stayed put.
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