With the door now closed behind me, I pressed my back against it, not wanting to intrude further. In Drew’s tiny foyer, I stared around the bulging coats hanging off hooks to the side and saw Sam leaning against the wall, down at the bottom of the hall.
Arms folded across his chest, ankles crossed, he looked at me and I looked at him. It was like some kind of weird staring contest, a showdown almost. Except, I wasn’t sure what we had to showdown over. Well, aside from his girlfriend that is. But even if Sam knew I had the hots for Jessa, he had to know I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell with her.
I actually respected him for letting me be a part of her life. I wasn’t sure if I’d be so kind and generous with an interloper who pretty much thought the sun rose and set on his girl.
But almost like he could read my mind, Sam’s eyes darkened before he slowly tipped his chin forward. I frowned at the gesture, unsure what it meant, but before I had the chance to psychoanalyze it, he pushed off the wall and began striding down toward us.
“Jessa, come on, baby. He’s okay. See? He’s standing all on his own,” he chivvied.
I scowled at Sam, because apparently that was his lame idea of trying to make things better. Knowing that wouldn’t appease Jessa, I reached over and pressed a hand to her shoulder. She didn’t tense at my touch, if anything, when I stepped forward, pressing into her, she finally calmed down and stopped sobbing, snapping one arm out so it could curl around my waist. She had to know I wasn’t Sam, but she still invited me into this strange hug that had me and Drew far too close together.
I shot him an awkward glance, sent Sam an apologetic look, and then murmured, “Jessa, he’s okay.”
“He almost wasn’t,” she whimpered, the words so soggy that I barely understood them. How had she gone from being the fiery Valkyrie back at school to this devastated kid?
Drew tensed, and I saw his shame and guilt etched on his features, something I was happy about. He should be ashamed, he should feel guilty. I was angry at him, and that was something I recognized now as I stood so close to him that I could see the individual streaks of blue dye in his wet, black hair.
Drew wasn’t like Sam or Jessa. He didn’t have everything, didn’t have a rich family to fall back on, hadn’t had the world handed to him on a silver platter. When he graduated, he didn’t have a way too large trust fund waiting in the wings as insurance. He’d had to fight, just as I had, and we were both survivors.
Unlike him, though, I hadn’t turned to drugs, prescription or otherwise—but, then again, I’d seen the effects they had on someone, and even in my darkest days, when all I’d longed for was an escape from the shitty reality that had been my life before I’d moved here, I’d never sought that oblivion. Drugs provided no freedom, only an incarceration that was a thousand times worse than anything the state could shove you in.
I figured he saw the judgment I was casting his way, because his mouth pursed into a fine line before he bit off, “I won’t do it again.”
Maybe it shouldn’t have surprised me that those were the words that stopped her from leaking tears, but it did.
Of course, this was Jessa.
She never reacted how I expected.
Rather than pat his chest and congratulate him for making a sensible decision, instead, she reared back into me, bouncing almost from the force, then pressed both hands to his shoulders and pushed him. She packed some punch into it too, enough so that Drew staggered back, shock replacing his guilt, as Jessa screamed, “You bet your sweet ass you won’t do it again. If you do, I’ll fucking kill you before the drugs have the chance to.”
My lips curved in a wry smile at her warning, and a quick glance at Sam told me he was equally as affected by her declaration. Drew, on the other hand, bowed his head and, like a true penitent seeking atonement, let her ball her fists and ram them into his chest.
He didn’t even try to stop her until she moved him halfway down the hall, and even then, he just grabbed her fists, covered them with his hands, and squeezed tightly as he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
She stared up at him, looking so small in comparison to the large bulk that made up the quarterback, and shook her head. “Not enough.”
He gulped, and though I’d seen him appear shaken several times this evening, it was nothing compared to now. His fear was genuine, and I couldn’t blame him. There was a finality to Jessa’s tone, one that had me tensing on Drew’s behalf. The guy had fucked up, royally, but was Jessa really going to cut off their friendship?
“Baby,” Sam started, his voice hoarse as he, too, seemed to hear that odd note in Jessa’s tone.
“No, Sam. You can’t make this better, and Drew can’t, either. I am so mad at you,” she whispered, and she pulled her hands away from Drew’s clasp and balled them into fists again, letting her arms hang loosely at her sides as she squeezed and then released them, as though trying to stop herself from restarting her attack. “You try to keep me safe. Both of you have since I moved here. You flutter around me, making sure that I eat when I’m supposed to, that I’m feeling okay, and you’ve protected me. But, in my own way, I’ve done the same with both of you.
“Who checks in with your sisters because you don’t know how to connect with them, Sam? I stave off arguments between you and your mom too. Who cooks around here? Makes sure the fridge is full, Drew? I thought we were a team, but we’re not. How can we be if you keep me out of the loop this way?”
Face blanching, Drew’s mouth dropped open, and I couldn’t blame him, because she was spot on. He saw that too and was left speechless by her declaration.
“I thought we were special,” she rasped, those damnable tears back in her voice, “but you proved we’re not.”
“Don’t say that, Jessa,” Sam growled, striding toward her.
She held up her hands to stop him. “It’s the truth! Drew made it the truth, and that he opened my eyes tonight is something I’ll never forgive him for.”
❖
Drew
My heart was in my throat as I stared at the woman I’d loved since the first moment I’d seen her. She’d broken it when she’d snatched Sam, making him hers even though I’d thrown away the chance for him and me being together out of fear of what the rest of our class would have to say about it. But she’d reeled me in too. Like an eager fish who’d been excited about being caught on a fisherman’s hook, I’d allowed her to bring me into the inner circle, and I hadn’t wanted to leave it ever since.
But was she right?
Even though there was no other place I wanted to be, had I pushed them out? Had I pushed them all out? Worse still, was what I’d done irreparable?
For a second, I lost every single word in my head. It was like my lexicon had disappeared, and suddenly, I just had no vocabulary with which to form a single sentence. The brains I was so proud of, which I used to combat the stereotypical quarterback image, fled the room, leaving me alone to face the woman I loved, who was staring at me with betrayal in her eyes, who was looking at me like she didn’t know me, when no one, other than Sam, knew me better.
I let her hurt penetrate me. Knowing I deserved no less than to suffer as she suffered, I took her pain and made it my own. And even though words still evaded me, I managed to form two.
Two words that I prayed would give her hope. That I prayed, and this from someone who didn’t even go to church anymore, would stop her from walking out the door and giving up on me.
“You’re right.”
She sucked in a sharp breath, and that she was so startled told me how arrogant she must think I was if she didn’t realize I was capable of uttering a hard truth.
At that moment, I felt completely and utterly lost. Like a ship without a rudder… And crap, I really needed to get off these water references. I fucking hated fishing, and sailing? I got seasick on a dinghy without an overdose of Dramamine.
Rubbing a hand over my face, I dug my fingers into my eyes to rub away the fatigue gathered there. Fuck, I thou
ght I knew what tired was, but that was nothing compared to how I felt now. The Adderall had made me wired, but it had never fucked with my system as it had tonight.
I guessed this was the drop, and when I’d taken a double dose before, I’d always been too manic on coffee and Red Bull to really feel it—Jesus, it was a miracle I was still going. How had my body suffered as I pushed it to its limits?
Before panic over a visit to the doctor’s office could hit me, one that could rob me of the chance Coach had given me tonight, Jessa whispered, “You promise never to touch that stuff ever again?”
There was heartbreak in her voice, and that tore at me. God, it shredded my insides like nothing else could. Even knowing I disappointed Coach, and damaged my relationship with Sam as well tonight, it was Jessa who gutted me. Whose devastation over my mistakes whipped my back, lashing me a thousand times worse than anyone else could.
“I promise.”
I wanted to give her more promises, wanted to shower her with words that would take away from my stupidity, but she didn’t need that. She needed action, and I could only prove myself to her with time.
The fact that she asked me to make her a promise at all gave me hope. Hope that she hadn’t given up on me, on us.
Yesterday, I’d felt like I was about to knock on heaven’s door. Not because I was dying, ironically enough, but because she accepted my feelings for Sam. Hadn’t been repulsed by them. Had even wanted to be a part of our relationship. Her perfection for me, for us, had never been so evident, and yet, I was the one who’d messed shit up. Who’d almost wrecked what we had before it even had a chance to begin.
“You’re an addict, Drew. Promises—”
I shook my head. “I don’t take that shit regularly,” I countered instantly, wanting to take that worry away.
When she looked dubious, and behind her, Max looked equally as disbelieving, I sighed and propped my hands on my hips. “Look, I know you think all junkies don’t know the difference between the truth and a rattlesnake, but I swear to fuck, I’m not addicted. I can’t afford to be.”
The breath that rattled from between her lips was half relieved and half hiss. I could tell she wanted to rail at me some more, wanted to let off some steam, but she didn’t. Instead, she murmured, “About your grandma, I want to visit her.”
Surprised the conversation had gone down that route so quickly, I shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”
“I guess I know why you never took us along now, don’t I?” she snapped, making me wince because she was right.
“It wasn’t just her sickness. She doesn’t really like seeing me at the minute,” I admitted, my words pained. “She’s mad at me and she lets me know every time I go and run errands for her.”
The desire to rub my hand over my face hit me again, but I knew this time, if I rubbed my eyes, I’d want to scoop the damn things out. Exhaustion was weighing heavily on me, but this conversation was more important than rest. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t agreeing with me.
For whatever reason, the hardness in her face, her beautiful features, relented. In fact, everything about her softened as she took a step toward me. I almost retreated, almost backed off in fear that she’d come at me once more. I wasn’t scared, I just didn’t want to take things back a step—figuratively and literally. “You need to get some rest.”
I released a shaky sigh and nodded. “I really do.” I reached for her hand and pressed my fingers through hers so we made a small bridge, then whispered, pleading with her to understand, “I won’t ever let you down again. I swear to you, Jessa. What we have, I can’t wreck it. If I do, it will destroy me. I don’t care if this destroys my life, what I’ve worked to attain, it means shit in comparison to you—”
She reached up and pressed a gentle finger to my lips. “There’s no need to talk like that. I’m not going anywhere. You almost wrecked things, but it isn’t beyond repair. Not if you’re willing to let me in. Drew, you have to let me in,” she repeated, her eyes earnest as she stared deeply into mine, not letting me hide from her words, not letting me evade her or the cold dose of reality she wanted to impart this time.
“I know, Jessa. I promise, I do.”
She nodded, then murmured, “You go to bed. Is it okay if we hang around here?”
I frowned at her. “Of course. This place is yours as much as it’s mine.”
Her sigh was shaky when she released it, and cupping my chin, she leaned up on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to my mouth. I tensed, my eyes wide open as I stared at Max who didn’t look stunned by what he was seeing.
When she carefully nipped my bottom lip, my attention diverted to her—where it should have always been. I saw her gaze was on mine, and that she’d made this move for a strategic reason. Not only to tell me she was mine, but to warn me that Max was aware of the new state of play.
I could feel Sam’s tension from across the hall, but I didn’t look at him, just breathed into the kiss then closed my eyes, and pressed my forehead to hers.
God, it felt so good to be out in the open with her. It blew my mind that this was our first kiss, something that had taken place after the shittiest day of my life. I knew that sounded bad. I’d lost my mom to cancer, but she died when I was young. Too young to even remember her really. Her parents had died in a car crash, so I’d never known her side of the family, only my dad’s. Well, Sam and Jessa were family of my own choosing, and I fully intended for that to be formalized at some point in the future.
College beckoned with a seductive siren’s call, one that made me realize what I’d put into jeopardy this evening with my stupidity.
We were all entitled to make mistakes, but the one I’d made? It had almost fucked everything up.
Sam had made plans for the future, plans that his mother wouldn’t be happy with. She had high hopes for him. Probably Harvard Law School or somewhere pretentiously ivy league that would satisfy her snooty colleagues. But Sam’s plan? He wanted to go to Berkeley. Why? Because we’d both been given a scholarship to go there. Plus, it was somewhere Jessa could go, where she could study anything she wanted because they had a banging humanities department.
I’d messed with that today, but I wouldn’t again.
That old saying came to mind. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ There were ramifications here for all of us, and I didn’t intend to make a fool out of any of us.
With our foreheads still touching, I whispered, “Are you tired?”
She tensed. “I guess.”
“Rest with me until I sleep?” I wondered if she knew how hard it was for me to ask that of her, for me to throw that out to her after what I’d done. I never let myself be vulnerable to anyone, but I did at that second. To her.
Her eyes gentled and she nodded. “Of course.”
Relief made me feel even shakier, and I cut Sam a look, then Max, and murmured, “I’ll see you both in the morning. Feel free to sleep over.”
I didn’t wait for their response, just reached for Jessa’s hand and began carefully herding her toward the stairs. As we climbed the steps, it felt strange because I knew we were taking this to another level. We’d been more intimate than most guys ever would be with their best friend’s girl, but nothing like this. No time spent in an intimate setting that belonged to just her and me.
As our feet tapped against the scrubbed floorboards, we trudged upstairs, passing the upper corridor walls that were loaded with framed photos of me over the passage of my life, and down to the bottom of the hall where my room lay.
I was grateful that my bedroom was pretty clean when I invited her in, and as her gaze darted around, I realized she’d never been in here before. Why would she? So, this was the first time that she’d seen my most private space, and I wondered what she learned from it as her gaze darted around the dark navy walls.
“It’s sparser than I thought it would be,” she murmured, taking in the plain bed with its matching navy comforter, then the desk that was piled
high with books, the pleather desk chair that creaked whenever I sat on it, and the bookcase that was loaded down with reference materials—anything from old statistics on home games, to antiquated training manuals that the greatest in the NFL attested to.
“You know I don’t spend that much time here, so I don’t need that much,” I told her with a shrug, and even though I wanted to strip out of the shirt and pants I’d changed into after a quick shower back at school, I didn’t. That would take things to another level, one I knew neither of us were really ready for. Sure, I was probably more prepared for it than she was, but I was exhausted, and there was no faking that or hiding from it.
So, instead, I just toed out of my sneakers and headed over to the bed. Slipping my phone out of my pocket, I plugged it into the charger before flopping onto the mattress with a sigh as I huddled against the wall and waited for her to approach me. As she did, her fingers trailed over a frame that was on the dresser near the door, and she stared down at the photo of my mom that rested on the nightstand, before tracing her gaze over the dreamcatcher Mom had made for me when I was young.
Only when she was ready did she turn and take a seat on the side of the bed. Whether she was nervous or not, I wasn’t sure, but I watched as she sank back onto the sheets, staying on her side with her back to me, and nestled her head into my pillow where she released a deep breath.
There was only a foot of space between us, but that gap was far too much. I needed her tonight, needed her in a way I knew she wouldn’t understand. So I curved my arm around her waist and gently drew her against me. She didn’t squeak, didn’t argue. Instead, she let me nuzzle into her as though she wasn’t mad at me, as though the argument of before hadn’t happened, and that there was Jessa. My peace, my serenity.
With her scent in my nose, the promise of the future inherent in her presence here, I found joy where there should have been none tonight. I’d almost lost everything. Not just my scholarship, but my place at HawkRidge High. I’d almost lost my best friend, my girl, and fuck, maybe even my life.
Dare You To Keep Me: HawkRidge High II Page 6