Alicia

by Laura Matthews

  Alicia sat through her evening meal vaguely aware of Felicia’s chatter but unable to respond with any real attention. She was unable to eat much, nervous at the prospect of facing Stronbert very soon. What was she to tell him?

  The women sat in the drawing room doing needlepoint and occasionally exchanging a remark, when there was a tap at the door. Alicia started with dismay. She had still not decided how to answer him.

  Stronbert stood in the drawing room, speaking with Felicia. After a while Alicia heard him say, “If you should not mind, Felicia, I would like to speak with your mother privately for a while,” and the girl nodded and left the room, quietly closing the door after her. Alicia heard her ascend the stairs and shut herself in her room. Stronbert went to lean against the mantelpiece, his eyes on Alicia, who stood frozen where she had risen.

  “You have not reached a decision?”

  “No. No. I have thought of little else.”

  “Tell me where the problem lies, and perhaps we can settle the matter.”

  “I do not know,” she said helplessly. “You are being so...reasonable.”

  “Would you rather that I were not?” he asked, a trace of amusement in his voice.

  Alicia could not answer him. She did not know what she wanted any longer. Stronbert held out his hand to her and said firmly, “Come here, Alicia.” It was a voice that admitted no disobedience, gentle yet commanding. She walked over to him and hesitantly extended her hand to his waiting one.

  “Shall I tell you why you cannot decide?” he asked softly.

  “Yes, please,” she murmured.

  “Because you are a woman and for all you have been abused and mistreated by men, you respond to me as a man. You are afraid of me, of what I could do to you, that I might hurt you. But you are not afraid enough to agree to allow me to go my own way. Something tells you that you may change your mind and that perhaps you would suffer worse knowing that I am with someone else, and you would not be able to bring yourself to tell me so. To tell me that you are willing to be my wife, truly, with all it entails.”

  Alicia blushed painfully. “That cannot be so. I vowed after that night, the night Tackar was here, that I would kill a man before I would let him touch me.”

  “Did you? How bloodthirsty of you.” His tone was light, but he put a hand on her head and pressed it against his shoulder comfortingly. “I have talked with your brother.”

  “Stephen? When did you see Stephen?”

  “I went to him after that night. I knew I would not get your permission to protect you then, and so I sought his. I could not bear to think of your coming to any further harm. I hope you can forgive me for speaking with Stephen without your permission.”

  Alicia’s eyes were wide with astonishment. “Then that man, Jeff, really was there to protect me? I thought I must be overwrought even to imagine such a thing. What else did you discuss with Stephen?” she asked suspiciously.

  “I shall tell you,” Stronbert replied, picking her up in his arms, “when we are seated comfortably.” She made a little squeal of protest, but subsided stiffly in his arms as he sat down with her in his lap on the sofa. “Be still, Alicia. I told Stephen that I intended to marry you if you would have me, and that I wanted to see you were protected since he was so far away. He granted my request.”

  Stronbert paused for a moment, unsure how to approach the rest of what he had to tell her. He unconsciously stroked her hair. “I also pressed him for information on your fear of men. He told me what he could.” He felt Alicia’s body stiffen against him, but he continued to stroke her hair. “He told me that you threatened to kill Sir Frederick if he touched you again, after Felicia was born.”

  “That is true,” she whispered.

  “And did he?” There was no answer and he asked again, “Please tell me, Alicia, did he?”

  “No.”

  “I am glad. Now I want to explain something to you, my love. Not all men, in fact very few, are like your husband and Tackar. Most men learn to control their desire for a woman, be she his wife or not. You have had some very damaging experiences, and you were very young at the time you wed. Oh, Lord, I sound so patronizing. Would you look at me, love?”

  Alicia raised her head from where it was pressed defensively against his shoulder. When he spoke again, her eyes were on him. “All I really want to say, Alicia, is that I would never hurt you. Do you know that you can receive pleasure from your body?” She nodded mutely. “But you have never done so with a man?” Again a silent answer, the shake of her head.

  His lips brushed her forehead, touched her eyes. He felt her stiffen automatically in his arms. “Do not be afraid, my love. I will not hurt you.” Lightly he kissed her unresponsive lips. When nothing further happened, after a while she opened the eyes she had closed and regarded him gravely. “I can tell that you want me,” she said accusingly.

  He laughed and shifted her slightly from his lap to his leg. “Of course I want you, goose. You are a very desirable woman. But I am not going to take you.” He felt her body relax slightly at the words. “I want you to kiss me, Alicia.”

  She gazed at him incredulously. “I cannot.”

  “Yes, you can. Give me your hand.” She produced it from where it was tucked against his shoulder. He gently kissed the fingertips and then, holding it lightly, drew it over his forehead, brows, and along his chin before laying the fingers against his lips. “You see, they are not the least bit dangerous. Kiss me, Alicia.” She swallowed nervously and bracing herself against his chest, pecked softly and quickly at his lips. He made no move, his expression blank. Alicia leaned back and said defiantly, “There, I did it.”

  “I thought we were agreed you were a woman,” he commented dryly. “Just so might you kiss your brother.”

  Stung, she leaned forward and kissed him again. “Better,” he commented, “we have now risen to the level of your daughter.”

  Alicia let out a little gurgle of laughter. With her fingers she traced the lines of his face, exploring the curves and depressions. And then she put her arms about his neck and kissed him. Eventually she drew back, embarrassed, and found he was smiling the special smile that made her insides flutter. “I love you,” she whispered. “I have never loved a man before.”

  He pulled her to him, the feel of her firm breasts against his chest, and kissed her until she was breathless. He released her then, curious to see how she would respond. Her eyes and face were softened with desire and he sighed contentedly. “I think, my love, that you should marry me, and be my wife.”

  “Yes,” she agreed. “I think that would be wise. But, Nigel, I cannot be sure that when the time comes I can...”

  “I understand. I promise you I will be patient. You will need time to learn to trust me.”

  “What am I to do about the shop?” she asked anxiously.

  “I intend to keep you far too busy to involve yourself with the shop. Perhaps Mr. Allerton would agree to managing it for you. Shall you mind?”

  “Not so very much. I enjoy some of the work, but there have been so many problems, and I shall not miss them. I...I would not embarrass you by continuing to involve myself there, of course. Have you thought what people will say to your marrying a shopkeeper, Nigel?”

  “I could not care less, Alicia. You know that it has never bothered me.”

  “Yes, and it is very strange of you,” she retorted.

  “There is one thing more I must tell you, Alicia.” He held her in his arms lightly now and said somewhat awkwardly, “You and I are partners in the shop.”

  Alicia regarded him with astonishment. “What do you mean?”

  “When the fire made it necessary for you to take Lady Gorham as a partner, I had written her offering to provide the financial support if she would lend her name to the project. I feared she would not have the necessary funds to help you just then.” He eyed her dubiously. “I did not do it to deceive you, but because I wanted to help and felt responsible since I had undertaken your protect
ion.”

  “Indeed!” Alicia replied indignantly. “You knew I would not accept your help and you tricked me.” She rose from his lap to stand above him, her eyes glaring. “I am surprised that Lady Gorham consented to such a suggestion.”

  Stronbert smiled reluctantly and drawled, “She was aware of my intentions toward you.”

  “You seem to have made no secret of them with anyone but me!” she retorted.

  “Not so. I told only your brother and Lady Gorham because it was necessary.”

  “And what if I had not agreed to marry you?”

  Stronbert had allowed her to glare down at him all this while, but he rose now and stood facing her. “It would not have affected my actions in any way, Alicia. I could not leave unprotected the woman I love, whether she would have me or not. And if you had not agreed to marry me, then I would not have told you of my arrangement with Lady Gorham. I consider my money well invested. I will not hold you to marry me if you do not wish it.”

  Alicia’s defiance evaporated as quickly as it had risen. “I thought I could manage by myself,” she said sadly. “You have shown me that I did not.”

  “Had it not been for Tackar you would have achieved all you set out to do,” he responded calmly as he lifted her chin with a gentle finger. “Will you marry me, Alicia?”

  “Yes,” she replied simply and responded warmly to his kiss.

  “In that case I see no reason why Felicia should not have the mare,” he suggested quizzingly.

  “Felicia! How could I have forgotten that she was waiting for an answer,” she gasped guiltily. “I must tell her right away.” She turned toward the door but stopped when Stronbert spoke.

  “I wish you will let me give you your ring first,” he said ruefully.

  Alicia grinned as she shyly held out her hand to him. He took it firmly and placed the ring on it. She was moved by his tender expression and stood on tiptoe to kiss him.

  “You are making good progress, my dear,” he laughed.

  Alicia flushed and said, “Shall I bring Felicia down?”

  “Yes, I should like to talk to her.”

  Alicia nodded and disappeared from the room. She knocked softly on her daughter’s door and was bid to enter. Felicia turned an anxious face to her as she had the night before. “Have you decided, Mama?”

  “Yes, dear, you are to keep Dancer.”

  The girl flung her arms about her mother. “Thank you, oh, thank you.”

  “I have something else to tell you, love, which is very important.”

  Felicia drew her mother over to sit beside her on the bed. “Not more trouble?”

  “No, dear, quite the reverse. Lord Stronbert has asked me to marry him and I have agreed.”

  Felicia smiled mischievously. “I was sure he would. Are you happy, Mama?”

  “Very. I am excessively fond of his lordship. He would like you to come down.”

  Felicia agreed with alacrity and descended the stairs far more quickly than her mother. Stronbert held out his hands to her and she took them readily. “I am so glad,” she said.

  “Thank you, Felicia. It is important that we have your blessing. I look forward to welcoming you to the Court as my newest daughter. Do you think you will like living there?”

  Alicia smiled as she heard her daughter answer fervently, “With all my heart. Do Helen and Matthew know?”

  “Not yet, but I am sure they will have no objections.”

  “Your mother might,” Alicia suggested softly.

  “No,” he said thoughtfully, “I think she will be pleased, my dear. But you will both learn, if you have not already, that she can be...difficult at times. I find her eccentricities amusing for the most part, but others find them embarrassing,” he said gravely, a twinkle lighting his eyes.

  “She has been very accepting of us,” Alicia replied, “but it has occurred to me that you had something to do with that.”

  “My mother likes both of you, but she was on her high ropes at first. I did no more than urge reasonable behavior.”

  Felicia laughed. “I think she’s a dear.” Stronbert released her hands and asked the women to sit with him a moment. “I am hopeful that my sister Mary will come in January, and I should like to be married while she is here.”

  “It will not be a year since Sir Frederick’s death,” Alicia commented diffidently.

  “Would you mind?”

  “No,” the two women answered together.

  “Shall we say in a month’s time then?” he asked, observing Alicia closely.

  She swallowed nervously but agreed. “I shall have to write to Stephen and Jane. I would like them to be here.”

  “Of course. And Lady Gorham.” Stronbert proceeded to enumerate the guests it would be necessary for him to invite. Alicia and her daughter had no one to add, and the matter was arranged quickly. “I would like to send you both to York with Miss Carnworth so that you may choose any items which are not available to you here.”

  At Alicia’s sign of protest he continued calmly, “You are to be a marchioness, Alicia, and it will require a suitable wardrobe. The same applies to Felicia. I hope you will both feel comfortable to come completely out of mourning now. I have the most active desire to see you both in some bright, cheerful colors.”

  Felicia sighed gustily. “I can scarcely wait. I have had my eye on that jonquil muslin ever since it arrived and I have been in a fret that someone else would buy it.”

  “As you wish, L...Nigel. But I do not like to impose on Miss Carnworth. Felicia and I can manage in York,” Alicia suggested.

  “I would not dare deny her the treat,” he said with a laugh. He felt confident that Miss Carnworth would not only enjoy it, but would insist that an adequate shopping was done on his behalf. “Felicia, I will bring Dancer to you tomorrow and arrange to have her stabled at the Feather and Flask, if that is agreeable.”

  “Perfectly, sir.”

  “And you shall have to decide what you are to call me when I marry your mother. I am agreeable to almost anything but my title. Now, if I might just have another word with your mother alone...” Felicia leaped to her feet and bid them good night. Stronbert turned then to Alicia and said, “If you feel I am rushing you...”

  “N-no. I am sure a month will be sufficient time to prepare my wardrobe.” Alicia stared at her hands uncertainly.

  Stronbert took her hands and said gently, “It is not your wardrobe which concerns me, my love. Rest assured you shall have all the time you need, married or not.”

  “Thank you, Nigel. I feel very stupid.”

  “Please do not. I want your companionship, Alicia, more than anything else. We will work things out together. There will be plenty of time.” He kissed her brow and left her.

  Alicia gazed down at the new ring on her finger and hoped she could indeed be a wife again. He had aroused a desire in her which her body wanted satisfied. But she was not so sure that her mind would cooperate. Perhaps she should have insisted that the wedding not take place until her mourning period was over. That would have given her an additional two months. No, she thought exasperatedly, two months would not help her. Better to wed him and face the situation straight on. Other than that she was very happy.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  The month hardly seemed long enough for the preparations after all. There were two trips to York and several to the dressmaker. The arrangements for the shop had to be made; Mr. Allerton agreed to manage the shop and find an assistant who would work with him. Alicia and her daughter went many times to the Court, but the first time after the betrothal was the most difficult for them. They feared that some of the residents might be resentful or scornful, but they were welcomed warmly by the dowager, excitedly by the children, and kindly by the others in the household. Felicia was taken off to see the apartment which would be hers, with its separate dressing room and enormous bedroom. Helen returned shyly then to lead Alicia to the room which had been Helen’s mother’s.

  “I am plea
sed that you are to marry Papa,” she said softly. She gazed about the room sadly for a moment and admitted, “I have not been here since my mama died.”

  “I can understand that,” Alicia replied. “I am sorry that I did not know your mother. You must miss her dreadfully.”

  The little girl burst into tears and sank onto the floor. Alicia sat down beside her and stroked her hair gently. “You must not think that my coming here in any way diminishes her memory, my dear. You will always have that—you and Matthew and your papa. But I think your papa is lonely and I am lonely, too. Together we may form a different family, with you and Matthew and Felicia, so that we need not be so lonely any longer. After a while, when we know each other better, things will be easier for all of us. At first I will be a little lost here, you know, for all of you have been here so long and I will be new. Felicia is young and she will adapt more readily, I daresay, but I am so set in my ways that...”

  Helen looked up curiously, the tears streaming down her cheeks. “You mean you are a little afraid to come here?”

  Alicia laughed. “Yes, I guess that is what I mean.”

  “But we all want you to come. Papa told us he would not be happy without you,” she confessed, as she wiped the tear stains away with the handkerchief Alicia offered her.

  “And, you see, I would not be happy without him. But I will need help to become familiar with your ways here. I am not sure I even know everyone’s name,” she admitted shamefacedly.

  “Oh, I shall help you, ma’am, I promise. And Matthew will, too. You have not been in the towers yet. They are our secret place, when we want to be alone. You may use them if you like,” the girl offered generously.

  Alicia hugged her and thanked her for her thoughtfulness. When they left the room they were holding hands and chatting about the Court and how easy it would be for someone new there to become lost. Stronbert met them in the hall and invited them to go riding with him, and over his daughter’s head he bestowed on Alicia the smile she always longed to produce from him.

  When Stronbert’s sister arrived, she had her husband and Dorothy and Rowland with her. Felicia’s days were filled with the brother and sister and her endeavors to assist with her mother’s wardrobe. Alicia had not told her daughter of Rowland’s encounter with Tackar, though she had mentioned that Tackar was dead. Rowland appeared to have matured in the short while since he had left. He was more serious and yet more confident; he reminded Alicia somewhat of Stronbert.