by Paula Kay
“That sounds lovely. And I had no idea that your place would be so big.” Lia caught the quick look that Gigi had shot Douglas. “It feels nearly as big as the place that Ari—the place where we stayed the last time we were all here together. I hope you are not renting this one just because of our coming?”
Lia had told them that she hadn’t had to purchase just yet, and Douglas had expressed his willingness to help her if there was any negotiating to be done. “Oh, well, no. That’s not the only reason, although I do admit that I love having plenty of room here for you guys.”
“Well, because this might be a tad big for just you, yes?” Gigi said.
Lia felt herself growing irritated by her friend’s questioning. It was a reminder of the conversation that they’d had only weeks before when Lia was still living at the guest house. She’d finally made the move out of it, and now she couldn’t help but feel slightly judged by her choices.
“No, it’s really not too big. Besides, I’m not making any decisions just yet anyways.”
“I know you’re not. I’m sorry. And I should talk. Putzing around the big house in Sausalito feels very weird to me so I’m probably projecting my own feelings onto you.”
“No worries,” Lia said as she gave her friend a quick hug. “I’m just glad that you’ve all arrived and we can enjoy the space together.
Lia finished showing them their rooms and the rest of the villa before leaving them outside on the patio with a very excited Jemma, who was ready to jump straight into the pool. “Have a seat and I’ll be right out with some wine.”
Lia busied herself in the kitchen with the wine and a tray of meats and cheeses that she had prepared ahead of time. Just as she was about to step back outside she overheard a hushed conversation taking place between Gigi and Blu.
“—feels kinda weird. Almost exactly like the time we were all here with Ari,” Blu was saying to Gigi. “I mean it’s so lovely, but I really hope that she is finally doing some things for herself.”
“Si, me too. We will see how she’s doing soon enough. What we can’t do is overwhelm her with questions,” Gigi was saying to Blu.
“Speaking of questions…has she said anything more to you about Antonio?”
“No, I know that they were going away for a weekend but we never talked after that.”
Lia couldn’t see their faces but imagined a look being shared between the two women.
“I just wish that she would relax about it a little bit. You know, let things happen naturally. I’m afraid that Antonio might get overwhelmed with it all,” Blu said.
“It’s a lot to take in. The important thing is that she’s being honest with him. That she did tell him about Ari,” Gigi said.
“You two hush now,” Lia heard Douglas saying when it sounded like he was just getting back to the table. “Let’s not give her a hard time. She’s been through a lot of changes, this big house being one of them. Let’s enjoy our time here and not be sticking our noses into all of her business—”
“That sounds like a good idea to me.” Lia set the tray down along with the bottle of wine, knocking it a little harder against the table than she had meant to. “Douglas, if you could get the glasses from the kitchen, I’ll let you serve yourselves.” She was aware of the cold tone to her voice, but it was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears. “I’m just going for a little walk. I’ll be back.”
Gigi got up to follow her. “Lia, don’t go. Come talk to us.”
She could hear the slight panic in her friend’s voice, and for a moment she thought about turning back. But she was angry. And she had a right to be. It wasn’t fun to be thinking that your every move was being second-guessed by every person in your life. And she had come so far. Ever since Gigi had left here weeks ago, she’d made that promise to really try to give it her all, to keep Arianna’s wishes in mind. And she had been doing that.
She had only walked for about ten minutes when she felt better, enough to go back and confront her friends. She wouldn’t make everyone uncomfortable by not talking about the conversation that she’d overheard. That wouldn’t make anything better. It was better to talk about it so that she could say her piece and then get on with it.
Blu came to meet her as soon as she could see her in a distance.
“I’m so sorry. That was stupid. We should have just waited and had a conversation with you. Lia?”
Lia looked at her and nodded.
“We just care about you. You know that, right?”
“I do, yes. But it sure doesn’t feel good when you all seem to be questioning every decision that I’m making,” Lia said.
“I know. You’re right. And I’m the last one who should be criticizing anyone,” Blu said, and Lia wondered what was behind the offhand statement.
She’d have to try to remember to have a good chat with Blu before their visit was over. They’d not talked for a long time, and despite her irritation with the young girl, she really did want to know how her clothing line and everything was going.
The two women walked back to where the others were sitting outside. Lia looked at everyone sitting around the table who had supported her over this past year. They really had become a little family of sorts to her, and she knew that they did have her best interest at heart. She was probably just feeling overly sensitive because of all the pressure she’d put herself under with their arrival and the party she’d been planning for them at the restaurant. She really wanted everything to be perfect, and doing do, she knew, was causing her a great deal of stress.
“Alright, everyone,” Lia said as she walked up to the table. “I appreciate your concern and I love you all very much, but you’re just going to have to trust that everything is okay. Deal?” She looked around the table at each of their faces.
They all nodded, looking solemn and sorry.
“I really want you all to have a great time while you are here, starting with this party I’ve got planned at the restaurant tomorrow night,” Lia said. “I’m excited for you to meet Rebecca and Marco.”
“And Antonio?” Gigi asked.
“Yes, I think he’s planning to come too,” Lia said. “And no grilling him.” She laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
“I can’t wait to see Sofia,” Jemma said. The two had gotten along splendidly the last time Jemma was here, and Lia knew that Sofia would be pleased to see the young girl.
“She will be happy to see you too.” Lia smiled at Jemma wrapped in her towel, wet hair dripping. “Now why don’t you go get changed and we’ll have a little walk before dinner.”
Lia wanted to continue talking to the others and didn’t think it was appropriate conversation for Jemma to overhear. She wanted to set them straight with everything she’d been thinking—make them understand that she’d meant it when she told Gigi a few weeks ago that she was finally digging herself out of the emotional pit that she’d been in since Arianna’s passing. That she was finally ready to do the right thing by her daughter, living the life that Arianna had wanted for Lia.
And she needed to apologize for stomping off. Her friends’ being there meant everything to her, and she hated that it had started off so badly.
Chapter 30
Lia and Carlo had closed the restaurant the day of the party. It had been hectic; with so much to be done in the kitchen, Lia found herself frazzled and running around at the last minute to pick up the added items to make the dinner just perfect for her guests.
Gigi and Douglas had arrived early to help her. Gigi was following her around in the kitchen and Douglas was hanging a few pictures in the restaurant that Lia had saved to put up just for the occasion. Lia was trying to be patient, but Gigi was talking her ear off about her stay in the south with her sisters last week and she found herself growing irritated with her friend.
“Sorry, Gigi. Can we talk about this later, please?” Lia said, recognizing the hurt expression on her friend’s face. “I’m just so busy right now and quite frankly, I could use s
ome help.”
“Of course. I’m sorry. What would you like me to do?” Gigi’s mouth was tight, and Lia instantly regretted her harsh tone.
She reached over to give her friend a hug while handing her an apron. “I’m sorry. I do want to hear all about your trip and your family. I’m just feeling a little bit stressed out at the moment. Can you stir the sauce on the stove, please?”
Gigi nodded and began stirring in silence.
She’d have to fix that later, spend some time with Gigi when everything was over.
Lia sighed and texted Sofia, concerned that she hadn’t turned up yet with the beef from the butcher. Lia had placed a special order for the new recipe that she was making and she’d barely have time as it was. She continued to knead the dough for the pasta, and moments later Sofia entered the kitchen out of breath.
“Sorry, I got your text but was just on my way back. Lia, there was a mix-up and they didn’t have your order today,” Sofia said matter-of-factly.
“What?” Lia did not hide her irritation. How was this happening to her, today of all days?
“He apologized and said that he would have it for you tomorrow.”
“I don’t need it tomorrow,” Lia said, her voice rising.
Carlo came up behind her. “It’s okay. We can make something else. There’s plenty of pasta here and I can whip up a couple of pizzas. Let me get the dough going.”
Lia ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling very tired. More tired than she’d felt since arriving in Italy a few short months ago. “I don’t want to serve my guests pizza, Carlo.” Her voice was loud and she didn’t try to hide the irritation she was feeling.
She felt Jemma’s arms around her waist from behind at the same time as she heard her squeals of laughter from being chased into the kitchen by one of the waitresses.
“Save me, Lia. She’s gonna get me.” Jemma laughed behind Lia’s back.
Lia pried the child’s hands off her waist, turning around quickly. “Jemma, get out of the kitchen. There’s not enough room to be running around in here.” She didn’t realize how loud she had yelled until she saw the little girl’s face, tears welling in her eyes.
Lia bent down to give her a hug. “I’m sorry, Jemma. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m just trying to get the dinner organized. Can you go play in the front room, please?” She saw Blu entering the kitchen as Jemma nodded in response, her eyes wide.
“What’s going on in here?” Blu said, as Jemma passed right by her without stopping. “Is she bothering you?” she said to Lia.
“No. I did yell at her, though. And it wasn’t her fault. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything.” Lia felt the tears stinging her eyes. “Sofia’s just informed me that we no longer have the beef for the menu, and I’m not quite sure what I’m making now.”
Gigi came up beside her, giving her a slight hug. “Let Carlo make the pizzas. We’ll have that with the pasta and salad and it’ll be great. Lia, get yourself a glass of wine, for goodness’ sake. You’re getting way too worked up about nothing, really. We don’t care what we eat. Isn’t that right, Blu?”
Blu nodded her head in agreement. “We’re just happy to be here with you.”
Lia walked over to the small desk at the side of the kitchen and sat down in the chair; her shoulders slumped and the tears fell freely.
Crash!
Everyone jumped in the kitchen at the loud sound that they’d heard up front. Lia’s heart pounded as she ran out to the front room, knowing before doing so what the sound had been. Douglas was standing amidst the pieces of the broken picture frame, looking completely forlorn as Lia caught his eye.
“I’m so sorry,” Douglas said quickly as Lia bent down to pick up the large photograph that was sitting underneath the jagged glass. “I should have waited for someone to help me, I guess. I thought I could hang it myself and—well, it just slipped out of my hands.”
Lia walked over closer to the wall, to a spot where the floor wasn’t covered in glass, and slumped down holding the picture of Arianna in her hands. The tears were falling now and she didn’t bother to acknowledge Rebecca, who was suddenly beside her with a glass of water and a box of tissues. She just sat still and let the sobs overtake her. The room was quiet, everyone seeming to realize what was necessary in the moment. Finally she took a deep breath.
“This is just all wrong.” She looked around the room at her friends, noticing the absence of Antonio. “I wanted everything to be so perfect. For this to be a celebration to honor Ari—and all of you. I’ve been trying so hard and it’s just—it’s just not working. Nothing is working.” Lia continued to sob and felt Gigi next to her, taking the picture of Arianna out of her hands.
“Lia, what exactly isn’t working? What are you trying to do here?” Gigi wasn’t one to hold back her thoughts, and she had something on her mind to say now. Lia knew that look and the tone of her voice well.
The others had seated themselves at various places nearby and Lia knew that everyone was waiting, some with looks of confusion on their faces at what was going on—at this little breakdown that Lia was apparently having.
“Gigi, you know how much I’ve been trying.” Lia didn’t bother to try to stop the tears from falling. She just felt so done. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Antonio had slipped in and was watching her from across the room.
“With all of this.” Lia swept her arm around the room in a quick motion. “Ever since that day that you and I talked about Ari and what she would have wanted for me. With Antonio, the restaurant, everything here. And I’ve been trying so hard to do all of this for her. To honor her memory. And nothing seems to be going right. I can’t even have one simple party turn out well.” She sobbed harder, knowing that her friend was about to respond.
“Lia, you’ve got it all wrong.” Gigi waited for Lia to look up. “This girl—” She held up the picture of Arianna in front of Lia’s face. “—your daughter.” Gigi motioned for Antonio to come nearer. “She didn’t want you to do anything for her. Don’t you get that?”
Lia felt her sobs subsiding a bit as Antonio sat down next to her on the floor, taking her hand in his as they both waited for Gigi to continue.
“Here you are, living this life that you think Ari wanted you to live, but from what I can see, from what we all can see—” Gigi looked around the room at all of their friends as if to make a point of their solidarity behind her words. “You’re just going through the motions of living a life that Ari might have lived—a big fancy home that you probably aren’t totally comfortable in, expensive clothes, even this big party. And for the record, Ari would have loved a big pizza party with her closest friends.”
“I was just trying—I don’t know what I’ve been doing, really. I didn’t know what to do with all the money—with all of this.” Lia honestly felt confused but somewhere deep down she felt something shifting inside her as she looked to Gigi to continue.
“I know—we all know that you’ve been doing your best. And we get that it hasn’t been easy for you. We do. It’s just so obvious that this isn’t working for you. And frankly, I can’t bear to just stand by and watch it any longer.”
“But what can I—I just don’t understand what you—what Ari would have expected from me, I guess,” Lia said, letting her head fall to the side a bit to rest on Antonio’s shoulder.
No one spoke for several seconds, Lia appreciating the momentary silence as she worked to collect her jumbled thoughts.
“Stop me if I’m out of line with this or completely wrong—” Antonio looked to Gigi for the nod of her head before he continued. “I think what Gigi—what all of your friends are trying to say is that Arianna didn’t want you to live some kind of idea of what you thought her perfect life would be. I’m guessing that your—that our daughter was trying to make your dreams come true when she left you all that she left you. She must have known how you felt about this restaurant and what it would mean for you to be able to come back
here to live.” He waited for Lia to respond to his words with a nod. “You’ve told me as much yourself.”
“Yes,” Lia said in a quiet voice, trying to fully let his words sink in.
“And honestly, Lia. I’ve felt so confused trying to get to know you these past weeks. There’ve been moments when we’ve been together where no time has passed at all. Like when I first saw you, and eating gelato on the bench in the old square. That was the girl that I had fallen in love with so many years ago—the woman that I’m falling in love with again now.”
He brought Lia’s hand to his lips, and she felt her heart beating at his words.
He continued. “Other times—like our weekend away in Florence, at the opera and, from what I’m guessing, this scene I walked into tonight—you don’t seem like anyone I’ve known before. It seems like you’re trying to be someone you’re not, and it’s been confusing to me.”
Lia looked around the room, her instinct telling her that some of this conversation should be said in private, but at the same time feeling the significance of it in this room with all the people who loved her so much. “I’m sorry, Antonio. And to all of you. I really hadn’t realized any of that, as crazy as I know it must sound. I’ve just been trying to find my way back to feeling somewhat normal, to not feeling so sad all of the time.”
“We all understand that,” Gigi said. “And no one wants anything less for you than your happiness. God, Arianna especially wanted that.”
Lia and Antonio stood up, and Lia walked over to where Gigi stood to hug her friend, feeling Blu’s arm come alongside her waist on her other side. “I do know that,” Lia said. “That Ari wanted me to be happy.”
“I know what Ari wanted for you.” Blu spoke quietly at Lia’s side. “She told me during that last week—before she died—that she knew the guilt and unhappiness that you’d been feeling. She knew the release of that same guilt for herself—how she felt when she finally forgave herself for giving up her own daughter. She was just like you when it came to that, you know.”