by Paula Kay
“No!” Blu shouted. “You’re not.” She opened her door and bent down to look her in the eye. “Do as I say.” Jemma looked up at Blu, her eyes big. “Do you hear me?”
“Yes.” She turned away from her, putting her face back towards the window in defiance.
When Blu was confident that Jemma wasn’t going to follow her, she shut and locked all the car doors behind her, taking a deep breath as she quickly walked across the lawn to the door of her mother’s motel room. She rapped strong and loudly on the door, nothing prepared to say, but not worried in the least about finding the words. She was not prepared to hold anything back from her mother now. She was much too angry to be concerned with her feelings or how she was about to speak to her.
When her mother opened the door, looking surprised, Blu walked past her across the small room to get out of the path of Jemma’s vision from where she watched from the car.
“Blu. Hi. What—”
“What am I doing here?” Blu shouted, finally able to let out some of the pent-up rage she’d been feeling for the last several minutes in the car with Jemma.
Her mother looked genuinely shocked at her outburst, although she was already looking pretty disheveled from her own argument a few moments earlier.
“Yes, what’s the matter? Sit down. Let me get you a glass of water.” She started towards the small refrigerator in the corner of the room but Blu stopped her by reaching out to grab her by the arm.
“Don’t bother. I’m not staying long.” Her anger slipped out so easily in the words directed towards her mother. “I brought Jemma here to see you—we came to surprise you—”
Her mom’s face lit up at the mention of Jemma’s name. “Really? Where is she?”
Blu noticed her looking towards the windows trying to steal a peek.
“You’re not going to see her.”
Her mom looked at her, a big question in her eyes.
“I saw you—we saw you—with him—with Harold.” It disgusted her to even say his name.
“Blu, that’s—that’s not—”
“What? It’s not what I think? That you’ve been lying to me this whole time?” Blu interrupted, enraged.
“No, it’s not.” Her mother looked her in the eye. “I didn’t know he was here—in town. I—”
“I don’t believe you.” Blu screamed, tears stinging her eyes as she desperately tried to keep them from falling. She wouldn’t shed a tear over this woman who’d been lying to her face. “What was it? The money? The two of you cooked up some scheme when you saw that I’d finally made something of myself?” Even to her own ear, Blu’s voice didn’t sound like her own.
“Blu, please. Please listen to me.” Tears were streaming down her mother’s face. “I’ve had no communication with Harold at all. His turning up was a complete surprise to me and it’s—he’s not someone I want anything to do with. You have to believe me.”
“Mom?” The two women both looked up at Jemma, now standing in the doorway of the motel room. Jemma looked at her grandmother, eyes wide.
“Jemma, I told you to stay in the car!” Blu shouted, trying to pull herself together so that the child wouldn’t see the full extent of her fury, but the words came out strangled and harsh as she moved across the room, placing herself in between her mother and Jemma—a human shield against the bad that she’d always protected Jemma from.
Blu physically turned Jemma’s body around to face the door, away from her mother, who had tears streaming down her face as she looked on in silence from the bed. Blu gave Jemma a slight push to get her on the other side of the door. “Jemma, go to the car now.” The child turned around to look at her mother, defiant and ready to argue. Blu glared at her, intent that she make her obey. “Jemma. I mean it.” She had won for now, as Jemma stomped to the car, sobbing and screaming that she hated her mother.
Blu turned around to face her mother, visibly shaken and upset as she stood up to speak to her daughter.
Her mother closed her eyes for a moment and Blu could see her taking a deep breath before she spoke. “Everything I’ve told you has been true. I have changed, and my coming here—I only came to see you.” She brushed away her tears again as she looked at her daughter, pleading with her eyes for Blu to believe her.
But Blu’s walls were fully up again—a mother guarding her child. She was unshaken in her anger. She walked across the room to the still-open door, turning towards her mother before she stepped outside. “I don’t believe you. I’ll never believe you again.”
She could hear her mother sobbing as she walked away without looking back.
Chapter 24
Blu stormed around to the driver’s seat of the car, glimpsing her mother standing in the doorway of her motel room, begging her to come back. God, how have I been so foolish, to believe any of this has been real? She wiped her angry tears away as she started the car, looking at Jemma sitting next to her.
“Jemma, put your seatbelt on.”
Jemma was ignoring her, waving to Blu’s mother and crying in loud sobs.
“I wanna see her,” she cried. “Why can’t I just see her, Mom?”
“Jemma, I said put your seatbelt on.” Her words were louder now, as she turned the car around to leave, not at all sure if she was sane enough to be driving. She knew the kind of rage she was feeling wasn’t good. She had to try to keep it together.
Jemma finally obeyed, still crying loudly. “Mom, why can’t I see her?”
The young girl was as angry as Blu had ever seen her. Blu had to somehow navigate in her brain past all of her own rage, to figure out a way to talk to Jemma that made any sense at all.
“Jemma it’s—she’s just not good for you to see right now. That man who was there—he’s bad news, and I don’t want you around her if he’s near.”
God, what am I doing to her? Some day was Jemma gonna hate her for all the secrets she’d kept from her? Everything had just gone so wrong. Damn her mother for putting her through this. For putting Jemma through this.
“I just wanted to see my grandma,” Jemma spoke quietly now, the tears still streaming down her face. “It’s not fair that I don’t know her at all. I hate you for not letting me see her, Mom, I really do.”
The words stung, a dagger straight to Blu’s heart as she tried to think what to say to the young girl, how to get through this. What would she herself expect now from Linda? Was she going to make things difficult for her now that Blu was aware of Harold? If she was lying about him, Blu was sure that her mother was lying about everything. Except for the drugs. She was sober. Blu did believe her when it came to that. She’d never have been able to pull off looking and sounding as sober as she’d been, so that was one thing. Then it had to be about the money.
She glanced at Jemma sitting next to her, her hands balled up into fists, tears still streaming down her face. For a moment, Blu doubted everything she’d ever said about keeping the truth from Jemma. Maybe she did deserve to know the truth about her. But she pushed those thoughts away. No, she was too young. Blu would tell her when she was older, when she could understand more of why Blu had done what she’d done. That is, if her mother didn’t now go back on her word. Blu felt a new panic rising within her. She’d have to phone Douglas, to be ready for that. Nothing had changed. She would still protect Jemma at all costs, even if it meant leaving their life here.
She pulled into their driveway, and Jemma was out the door before they’d even come to a complete stop, slamming it loudly behind her. After shouting again how much she hated Blu, Jemma stormed upstairs, and Blu broke out in a flood of tears, making her way to her own room to be alone with her thoughts. She’d check on Jemma in a little while when they’d both had a little time to themselves. She’d calm down. She always did. And in the meantime Blu would figure out how to talk to her about everything that had happened.
Blu tried to phone Chase, willing him to pick up but knowing that he was working all day, unlikely to do so. She really needed to talk to him. She ne
eded a voice of reason; she knew that he’d be able to calm her down, maybe Jemma too. Maybe Chase would know the right words to say to Jemma.
She recognized the sounds of books being hurled across Jemma’s room down the hall. She’d rarely seen her this angry before but she knew that the best thing was to give her some time. She would calm down eventually, and everything would be okay again between them,
But now there are so many more questions to be answered. In the back of her mind, Blu knew that it probably wasn’t likely that Jemma was going to forget about her grandma or what Blu had done, keeping them apart. She knew that the can of worms had only just been opened, and as Jemma got older she was going to demand answers. Answers that Blu would have to be willing to answer, or eventually lose her.
Blu sighed and lay down on her bed to close her eyes for just a minute. If only she could just step back in time, maybe she wouldn’t have done Fashion Week at all. Would she have even bothered with her clothing line? Kept it small? For just herself, as a hobby? But she knew that it had not been a mistake how big things had gotten for her.
She always knew that she had a gift—that she’d do something great with her talent one day. It was a small miracle that she’d ever even let herself dream that big, given the circumstances of the crappy life she’d grown up in. Was Jemma the same? Were there dreams yet to be realized by the young girl or in Blu’s quest to help her—to save her from a bad life, had she done more harm than good?
Blu let herself drift off to sleep for a few minutes, noting that the noise down the hall had stopped and hoping that Jemma was also getting some much-needed rest. She’d speak with her when she woke up. She’d make her understand how much Blu loved her and beg her to trust that she knew what was best for her.
Blu looked at the clock next to her, for a moment forgetting the disaster that had taken place that day. She’d been asleep for only fifteen minutes, but she did feel a lot better now that she’d had a little rest. It was time to go check on Jemma.
She knocked on Jemma’s door and, after getting no answer, opened it quietly. Thinking that she must have already gone downstairs, Blu turned to make her way down to speak with her. She’d suggest that they order pizza and have a movie night, and soon things would be back to normal. That worked when Jemma was five, she thought and willed herself to go into the conversation with a positive attitude.
Before Blu had a chance to make it to the living room, where she assumed she’d find Jemma on the sofa watching TV or playing one of her video games, she spotted the note on the kitchen counter.
Dear Mom,
I’ve gone back to meet my grandma. You can’t stop me.
Jemma
The simple note in the childlike scrawl made Blu’s heart beat wildly in her chest. Panicked, she grabbed her keys and ran upstairs to get her phone, ringing Chase as she made her way back to her car. Please pick up. Please pick up. But it went straight to voicemail again. She took a moment to catch her breath, thinking about where Jemma would be, before she backed out of the driveway without a plan.
The bus. For sure she’d thought that she could take the bus back. She felt good and then panic-stricken as well, thinking about the area where the bus stop was near the motel. It was not a place for young girls. Blu drove to the stop near her house as quickly as she could, hoping that Jemma had left not long before and might still be waiting for the bus. But there was no one there.
Blu was crying now, trying to think clearly about what that particular bus route might be and how long Jemma would be on it. God, please keep her safe. She realized that she had to phone her mother now. She didn’t dwell on it as she waited for her to pick up, willing her to pick up.
“Hello, Blu?” She answered on the third ring, her voice sounding hopeful.
“Hi, I—I need your help.” Blu was crying into the phone.
“What is it? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Her mom was panicking now on the other end.
“It’s Jemma. She’s left me a note that she’s coming to see you. I’m sure she’s taking the bus, but she’s—she’s never taken it alone before and God, if something happens to her…” Blu was crying into the phone. She could hear her mom’s door shutting in the background.
“I’m heading out the door now to walk to the bus stop. Don’t worry. She’s gonna be okay.”
Blu willed it to be true, that by chance there’d be no weirdos on the bus that day, that Jemma would remember where the right stop was, that everything would be okay. God, why didn’t I give Jemma the phone that she’s been wanting? She made a mental note to do so now as a matter of necessity, wishing so much that she could call her now, that Jemma had a way to reach out to her if she was in trouble.
“Please stay on the phone with me. I’m driving on the freeway now. I’d follow the bus route, but I have no idea what that is,” she cried out to her mother on the other end of the line. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” It was a stretch and it meant speeding, but Blu didn’t care about that right now. She needed to get to Jemma.
Ten minutes or so later, she hung up the phone after telling her mom she was at the exit and would be there in a minute. As she pulled up to where her mom was waiting by the bus stop she saw the bus just beyond, in the near distance. It’s just pulled away from the stop. Blu was about to drive past her mom to catch up with the bus, when she realized that her mom was waving for her to pull over. Blu rolled down the window, yelling to her in one breath, “We have to go catch that bus.”
“No, no.” Her mom was opening the car door and motioning for Blu to turn around on the street. “The bus stopped and when she didn’t get off, I went on to speak with the driver and check. He said that a young girl had gotten off a few stops back. I’m pretty sure that if we just turn around, that’s just up this street.”
Jemma, please still be on this same street. She was picturing the young girl scared and wandering around by herself trying to remember where the motel was.
Chapter 25
Blu was trying to keep it together when her mom got in the car. What if Jemma had wandered off, gotten lost? She’d never forgive herself for starting this mess with her mom—she’d never forgive her mother.
Blu glared at her mom sitting next to her in the car. “I’m so angry that I ever listened to you—ever believed you. Look what’s happened. If something happens to her, I’ll never forgive you.”
Her mother looked liked she was trying to keep it together, crying quiet tears as she allowed Blu to rant.
“We’ll find her. I’m sure she’d just gonna be right up here a little further.”
They were both studying the sidewalks on either side of the road carefully, but so far there was no glimpse of the young girl.
“Okay, she’s not on this main road.” God, why didn’t I give Jemma that phone? “I think we should start looking down some of the side streets. She probably realized that she’d gotten off at the wrong stop and figured she’d try to walk to the motel.” Blu took a deep breath and looked at her mom. “She’s never taken this bus by herself before.”
Her mom reached out to take her hand and Blu snatched it away. She was trying to put her anger aside but she was a bomb waiting to explode. Just keep it together until you find her. Yelling and screaming right now is not gonna help find Jemma.
Blu turned the car to check out another street, getting further and further from the main one where the bus would have let Jemma off. She was growing more panicked by the minute.
Her mother was pointing. “There. There she is.”
In the distance, Blu saw her, looking upset, sitting on the curb, her head in her hands.
Blu started honking the horn, feeling shocked and relieved. She saw Jemma look up, getting quickly to her feet, a look of relief apparent on her face. Blu pulled the car over to the side of the road, not bothering to turn it off as she jumped out to run to Jemma, who was flying into her arms in a matter of seconds.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” Jemma was sobbing, clinging to Blu�
��s neck. “I thought I knew how to get there on the bus, but I got lost.”
Blu hugged her tight, stroking her hair. “Shh, it’s okay.”
They started walking towards the car, Jemma still in tears.
“I just wanted to see her—my grandma.” Jemma stopped suddenly, looking towards the car.
In the rush of finding Jemma, Blu had somehow forgotten all about her mom being there, and now she was standing next to the passenger door, looking timid, but smiling widely at Jemma. Blu looked at her intently before she spoke, trying to communicate with her face how the conversation would go.
Jemma walked up to Blu’s mom with a shy smile beginning on her face.
“Jemma, this is your grandma,” Blu said and her mom nodded.
“Hi, Jemma. It’s nice to meet you.” She held out her hand to the child.
Jemma, never one for being shy, rushed forward towards her grandma, arms hugging her around the waist, pressing her face against her chest. “Hi.”
Blu’s mom squeezed her tight for a moment, then backed off slightly to hold her at arm’s length. “My, aren’t you lovely.”
“Thank you,” Jemma said. “It’s so great to finally meet you.”
Blu was making her way around the car to the driver’s seat, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. Just keep it together a little while longer. She didn’t want to say or do anything in front of Jemma, but inside her blood was boiling.
“Alright then, let’s get in the car. I’ll take you back to the motel,” she said to her mother, willing her to not say anything.
Her mother nodded silently.
“I want to do something with Grandma,” Jemma said from the backseat. “Can’t we go for dinner or something?”
“Not now, Jemma,” Blu said, her face stern and her heart beating wildly.
“But Mom, I—”