by Meg Jolie
“Then I guess I’m staying,” I said simply.
*******
Not even the news of Dottie’s resignation could lift my foul mood completely. I was continuously telling myself I needed to snap out of my funk. Alex would get home.
And then he would explain.
He would give me a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why he never told me he was a father. I was sure he’d have a completely reasonable explanation for why it didn’t seem like he spent any time with his child. Between his work schedule, the time he spent with me, and the fishing trips once a month…I just didn’t see how he could possibly be devoting any time to his kid.
The thought twisted my stomach up into a tight knot.
He didn’t strike me as a deadbeat dad.
But then again, my past actions only proved that I tended to be a truly horrible judge of character.
For just a moment when Dottie had first told us she was resigning, I’d felt a moment of panic. I hadn’t realized until right then that maybe I wanted an excuse to leave town. An excuse to run away. Again.
I cringed as I pulled a glass out of the kitchen cupboard. Running away from my problems had clearly become a despicable habit of mine.
I pulled the pitcher of water from the fridge, took a long sip, and tried to clear my head of all the thoughts that had me so tangled up.
Maybe Dottie was right. Maybe things weren’t as bad as they seemed. Maybe life did have a way of working out in the end.
I had left her and Claire at the shop to wrap up a few things. I was glad to have a few minutes to myself.
I finished off my water, set my glass on the counter, and jumped when the chiming of the doorbell pealed through the house. My hand shook as I pulled it back to my side. My heart slammed painfully.
As I hurried toward the entry way, I realized it could be Sean.
But I really hoped it was Alex.
It would be just like him to surprise me by stopping by instead of calling.
My emotions were a swirling mess. I was excited to see him, but scared to death to be confronting him about something so huge.
What he had to say could change absolutely everything.
I steeled myself, hand on the doorknob, as I drew in a breath.
We’d talk it out.
Everything would be fine.
Even as I gave myself the mental pep talk, I knew I wasn’t sure I believed it. Deceiving someone was not fine. I wasn’t sure there was any possible way he could explain this to me in a way that was forgivable.
The guy staring back at me sent my heart cascading to the floor. I let out a little shriek—more out of surprise than fear—and tried to slam the door shut.
Jason stuck his foot in the door before I was able to get it shut all the way.
“Zoey,” he said quietly. “Don’t do this, please. I just want to talk.” He pushed the door open with his shoulder. I didn’t offer much resistance. My knees had gone weak and my entire body prickled with anxiety.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded. I crossed my arm over my chest and raised my chin defiantly.
“I told you, I just want to talk to you,” he said as he eased his way into the entryway.
He looked the same as he always had. Blond hair perfectly combed, not a strand disobeying. Face cleanly shaven. Khaki pants neatly creased and his short sleeved button down without a single wrinkle.
He narrowed his blue eyes at me as I assessed him.
For some reason, I thought if I ever saw him again, he’d look different to me—as if I was seeing him more clearly. He didn’t look different. He looked like the same old Jason. The one I’d loved and hated. Respected and feared. Needed…and ran away from.
“You just want to talk?” I repeated. I shook my head, unable to conceal my doubt.
After all of these months, the timing couldn’t be worse. I mean, the timing would never be good but I really didn’t need this now.
“I hate that you look at me that way,” he said. His expression was so contrite, I almost believed him. Almost. “I hate that you’re afraid of me.”
I stood up straighter. I didn’t want him to think I was afraid of him. Somehow, that felt like I was giving him power over me that I didn’t want him to have.
“Look,” he said with a sigh as he noticed my renitence, “I truly only came here to talk. Actually, I want to apologize for the way I treated you. No one deserves that.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up.
Those were words I never thought I’d hear him say.
Apparently he took my shocked silence as an invitation to go on.
“After you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. About what I did. I’ve always had a temper but I thought I could control it. My dad was the same way but he never controlled it. He was a mean, ornery old bastard. I spent my life being terrified of him. When he died, part of me was actually relieved that I wouldn’t have to face him anymore,” he said in a strained tone. He shook his head, looking remorseful. “My whole life, I swore I wouldn’t be like him.”
I swallowed a painful lump that had lodged in my throat. It may have been fear. It may have been sympathy. Probably, it was a combination of the two.
Jason rarely talked about his dad. He had opened up to me one night, in the midst of Mom’s illness, and told me that his dad had died in a drunk driving accident.
He’d been driving; he’d spun out of control, rolled his car and died on impact. Fortunately, no one else had been hurt. After that night, Jason had never mentioned him again. I’d thought it was because it was too painful to talk about.
Apparently, it was.
But not in the way that I had imagined.
“I didn’t know that about your dad,” I said, feeling myself softening toward him despite myself.
“I know. I never talked to anyone about him. Not really. I always figured he was dead and gone. Why bring it up? But keeping it bottled up inside wasn’t the right answer either.”
“I’m glad you realize that,” I said.
“I know what I did was wrong. I know I needed help. So I got help. I’ve been going to anger management classes. I miss you Zoey.” His tone was pleading. His words chipped away at my heart. “Come back with me. Come back with me so we can fix this.”
“How did you find me?” I demanded, ignoring his plea. I couldn’t let myself get tangled up with him again. Not emotionally or otherwise.
“I’ve known you were here the whole time. Or at least, I figured you were.” He hung his head, looking ashamed again. “I knew something was up with you weeks before you left. I started checking your computer history. I saw that you printed off directions to Claire’s house. When you took off, I figured this was where you went.”
“So why are you here now?” I demanded. My arms were folded defiantly over my chest. He took a step toward me and I held up a hand, silently asking him to stay back. He obeyed.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know what it’s like to be treated the way I treated you. I always swore to myself I wouldn’t do that. I’ve never felt so out of control before. I never wanted to feel that way again. I sure as hell don’t ever want to hurt you again. That’s why I went to counseling first. I wanted to get myself right first.”
“I’m glad to hear you got some help,” I told him.
“That night, I should’ve gone after you.”
I started to shake my head. That was the very last thing that I’d wanted from him.
“Just to apologize,” he said quickly. “Or to see if you were okay. I just let you walk away.”
“I think it’s good that you did,” I honestly said.
He hung his head sheepishly. “I think so too. We both know that I was in no frame of mind to go after you. That night, it was a wakeup call for me.”
“Good, I’m glad.” And I was. Jason had a lot of good qualities. I didn’t want to see him ruin his life, or someone else’s, by letting his bad qualities overtake him.
“So, can I com
e in? Can we talk? Really talk?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I appreciate the apology. But I really don’t think there’s anything else to say.”
He stared at me for a moment, his face expressionless. “Zoey, I drove hours to get here. You can’t spare some time for me?”
“I didn’t ask you to come. In fact, if you’d asked me, I would’ve told you not to.” Maybe I was being unfair to him. Or maybe not. At the moment, I felt so emotionally drained I just didn’t have anything left to say.
And nothing that he said would change anything. Not really. I was glad he got help but as for going back with him? It wasn’t going to happen. Even if Alex weren’t in the picture, it wouldn’t happen.
The sound of gravel crunching caught our notice. We both swung our gazes to the windows that bracketed the door. The view outside was impeded by gauzy curtains.
“That’s probably Claire,” I warned him. “She’s not going to be happy that you’re here. I think you should probably go.”
He looked at me incredulously.
“Look,” I said, “I’m sorry you drove all this way. And I do appreciate your apology. But as for us…we’re not fixable.”
He clearly wanted to argue but the front door swung open. Claire appeared in the doorframe. Her politely curious smile turned to one of outrage, then concern as she glanced at me. It turned back to outrage as she swung her angry gaze toward Jason again.
“What in the hell are you doing here?” she demanded.
He held up his hands in surrender. “I just came to tell Zoey goodbye. And now,” he said as he took a step toward the door, “I’m leaving.”
“Damn right you are,” she said, her tone cold. She sidestepped him, moving closer to me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Really,” I said with conviction. “He really did just come to say goodbye. And to apologize.”
“My boyfriend, Sean,” Claire said as she glared at him, “is coming over for dinner. He’ll be here any minute. You should probably be gone before he gets here.”
“I’m sorry to intrude,” he said to Claire. “I won’t be back again.”
“You’d better not be,” she agreed.
I put my hand on her arm, hoping to calm her. She turned to me with a frown. She reminded me of a momma bear, ready to pounce.
“I really am fine,” I said. Then, my eyes on Jason, I added, “I really think we needed this visit.”
He nodded, his expression softening. “Yeah, I guess we both needed some closure.” He had one hand on the doorknob. He lifted the other in a wave. “I really am sorry Zoey. I only want the best for you.”
“Thanks,” I said because I felt the need to say something.
With a small nod, he opened the door and he was gone.
Claire turned to me. “Now tell me the truth. Are you really okay?”
“I am,” I assured her.
“Do you really think he just came here to apologize?” she wanted to know.
I nodded slowly, playing over the short visit in my mind. He’d seemed calm, when before, he would’ve been agitated the moment I denied him something. He’d left without causing a scene and I thought he would’ve even if Claire hadn’t shown up. He seemed…different.
“Yeah, I do,” I finally answered.
“Okay,” she said as she looped her arm through mine and tugged me toward the kitchen. “Let’s go sit down so you can tell me what happened.”
“I thought you said Sean was coming for dinner.”
She shrugged. “I lied.”
Chapter 19
By that evening, I was a mess of emotions. It was hard to believe that Jason had shown up. It was even harder to believe that he’d taken it upon himself to get counseling. Seeing him again left me feeling raw inside.
I knew I should be elated over what Dottie had done for me. And I was. But it felt like a mixed blessing. I’d had more than a full day to simmer and fume over the situation with Alex. I still hadn’t heard from him. With every hour that dragged past, my fury and hurt grew.
I didn’t think we’d be able to get past this.
I didn’t know if I even wanted to get past it. I was furious with myself for being taken in yet again. For being so gullible and trusting yet again. If it weren’t for the security of my new job, I probably would’ve left town. My dad would’ve welcomed my return to Cleary. It was my hometown and I could picture myself living there again.
What I could not picture was staying in Grafton and running into Alex. The thought of it alone was painful enough. I knew that when the time came, the reality of it would be much worse.
I had to push those thoughts away. I’d run from my problems once. I’d left Bedford behind because Jason was there. I was not going to run again.
I needed to face this head on.
I was still having trouble thinking of Alex as a father. Though maybe he didn’t even deserve that title. Morgan had mentioned the baby. Was it a boy or a girl? Did Alex have a son or a daughter?
Did it even matter?
Claire had wanted to stick around the house to keep me company, especially after Jason’s visit. I assured her she had fulfilled her best-friend duties. She was worried that he would come back. I really didn’t think he would.
When Sean called to see if she was coming over, I insisted she go. She had been hovering and worrying and really, I just needed some time to myself.
I hadn’t heard from Alex yet. I realized it was possible I wouldn’t hear from him. Yesterday, when I’d left the message, I’d been upset. It was likely that would come across in my voice. Was it possible that I’d given myself away?
Maybe he knew that I knew.
Was it possible that…? My body tensed up. Was it possible that he didn’t really take monthly fishing trips? Was it possible he’d used that as a cover? Was he really pulling Daddy Duty this weekend?
Part of me hoped that was the case. Though the thought of being lied to yet again pissed me right the hell off.
I shook my head at myself and went back to scrubbing the kitchen floor. No reason to get ahead of myself. I’d been cleaning since the moment Claire had left. Her house hadn’t really needed it but I needed to do something. When my phone finally rang, the sound was so unexpected that I jumped. I scrambled to my feet, my heart pounding.
I glanced at the Caller ID. It was Alex. Now that I saw his number, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to talk to him. After an entire day, I still had no idea what to say. I didn’t know the best way to start this conversation.
I held the phone in my hand, letting a few more rings go by.
Finally, with a heavy heart, I answered.
“Hey,” he said quietly in response to my greeting. “Are you okay?”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and ignored the question. I was far from okay but I didn’t want to admit to it. “Where are you?” I asked instead.
“Uh, I’m still a few hours away,” he told me. “We got kind of a late start home. So what are you up to?”
I fought off a groan. I didn’t want to make small talk, but I didn’t know how to dive into the issue at hand either.
“I’m cleaning,” I curtly replied.
I was met with a few moments of silence. I could picture Alex, his brow furrowed. He most likely could tell by my tone that something was wrong.
“How was the art fair?” he finally asked.
With that question, I had my opening.
“It was…interesting,” I said as I leaned against the countertop. I was surprised by how much I needed the support. “I ran into Morgan.” I paused and now I was met with a few moments of silence. “She had a friend with her. Kara?”
“I see,” Alex said, his tone even. “I bet that didn’t go well.”
“Oh,” I said as a sarcastic laugh slipped out, “that’s a bet you would most definitely win.”
I heard him clear his throat and I closed my eyes. I suddenly just wanted this inevitable conver
sation to be over. My heart was banging so fiercely against my chest that it was actually painful.
“What did they have to say?” Alex asked. His tone was cautious but demanded an answer.
“Morgan was surprised you hadn’t told me about the baby,” I said. My words came out in a rush. I knew it was best to just get it over with.
A sharp, humorless laugh shot over the phone line. “Right. I’m sure she was.”
My thudding heart skipped a beat then. Until that moment I’d been clinging to the asinine hope that Morgan and Kara had been lying. But Alex didn’t deny it.
“I should’ve heard about that from you,” I said as I fought to keep my voice calm.
I heard him pull in a breath. Maybe he was waiting for me to say more. Right then, I’d said all I had to say.
“You’re right,” he finally said. “I should’ve been the one to tell you. And to be honest, I’m kind of pissed that Morgan shot off her big mouth.”
He was pissed?!
“Well, I’m not too happy right now either,” I ground out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I…I don’t know,” he finally said. His voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it.
I gripped the phone so tightly in my hand that my knuckles ached. I could feel a fresh wave of tears building behind my eyes. My throat was beginning to constrict. I needed to end this call before I lost control of my emotions completely.
“I think we’re done here,” I said.
“Done?” he asked. His tone was incredulous. “What in the hell does that mean?!”
“I’m not going to waste my time on someone who lied to me. You’re not the kind of person that I thought you were. I have no desire to be with the kind of guy that leaves his fiancé at the altar because she’s pregnant and I really have no desire to be with a guy who walks away from his own child.”
“Zoey! You can’t be ser—”
I disconnected before he finished his sentence. Even after everything that had happened, I still had strong feelings for him. I knew how easy it would be to let him worm his way into an explanation that would be nothing more than an excuse.
I placed my phone on the counter. It began to ring before I was able to take a step away. Ignoring it, I left the kitchen. My emotions were running too high. I couldn’t imagine anything productive coming out of a conversation with Alex right then.