by C. T. Phipps
“Sorry,” Gabrielle said. “Really.”
“Thank you.” Well, that was a mood-changer. “Oh, Ultragod has been replaced by an evil doppelganger and has turned the Society of Superheroes against Gabrielle by claiming she’s the evil doppelganger. Also, they think I murdered the real Gabrielle, and the president had my house hit by a drone strike.”
“And your first choice of action was to come to a hospital full of civilians,” Cindy said. “Great thinking.”
I paused. “When put like that, it’s probably a good idea for me to depart this place.”
“Probably a good idea,” Cindy said.
“We need your help, Cindy. I don’t know who I can trust.” Gabrielle looked over her shoulder. “The government is deeply involved in this and watching our every move.”
“Please tell me you have evidence and it’s not because Gary has co-opted you into one of his right-wing conspiracy theories.”
I glared at her. “I am a left-wing conspiracy theorist, thank you. Less the Illuminati, FEMA, and secret Nazi reptile men than the government is run by corporations as well as fascist imperialists.”
“And the president is trying to kill you?” Cindy said.
“Yes,” I said.
Cindy rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Okay, well, the Brotherhood of Infamy was secretly controlling Falconcrest City the entire time so I’m inclined to give this a fair shake. I also love Gary and consider you a close friend, Gabby, so let’s do this.”
“Wait, you love Gary?” Gabrielle said.
“Yeah, that’s a new development. We’re still sorting through that,” I said.
“What’s to sort out? You don’t feel the same way. I’ll just have to deal with that.”
“I didn’t say that!” I snapped back.
“So, you do love me?” Cindy asked, blinking.
“This is...”
Gabrielle paused. “As much as I love both of you, I’d like to state that we can talk about this outside of the hospital when we’re not being hunted by the president’s goon squad.”
“Goon squad, really?” Cindy said, putting her elbows on the desk and resting her chin on her crossed hands. “Listen, guys, don’t you think you’re being a little bit paranoid. The government hasn’t been able to do anything about the supervillain problem in the United States for, oh, seventy-five-years. I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about them tracking us down.”
A nurse ran in through the door, ignoring the massive amount of drug paraphernalia. He looked oddly like Ben Stiller and I wonder if he was one of the shape-changers Cindy and I had recruited from the various exiled aliens leftover from the last failed invasion. “Doctor Wakowski, the hospital is surrounded by a bunch of giant robots and armed paramilitary forces led by cyborgs!”
I looked at the door. “Maybe we should have gotten out of here sooner.”
“You think?” Cindy said, shooting me a nasty look before tapping a button underneath her desk and turning around her seat. Half of the wall in front of her slid away to reveal a complicated zeerust futuristic 1960s computer system and television set I remembered she’d bought from Doctor Dinosaur’s estate sale.
Liver cancer. Poor bastard.
Cindy fiddled with the switches and knobs before it conjured up an image of the hospital’s outside in glorious black and white. The hospital was indeed surrounded by twenty-foot-tall robots, mecha tanks, black jeeps, and armies of soldiers in power armor. They had a gear logo with a sword through it which put me in mind of Fallout’s Brotherhood of Steel, a reference you’re only likely to get if you’re a dedicated gamer. There were close to a hundred of them and they’d blocked off traffic as well as taken prisoners.
“Darklight,” Gabrielle said. “Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse.”
“Who?”
Cloak explained for me. “After the civil war between Guinevere and Ultragod over the Superhuman Law manipulated by the space god Entropicus, the Foundation for World Harmony was briefly replaced with Darklight. It’s a collection of mercenaries drawn from America’s prisons and asylum, and those who failed in the actual military. All of them had portions of their brains removed and replaced with cybernetics, which was downloaded with obedience as well as martial training. They planned to arrest all Supers, depower them with Tom Terror’s ray gun, and then execute them.”
“That’s...pretty damn evil.”
“Yes, it was all proven to be a plot by P.H.A.N.T.O.M and they were all arrested. They shouldn’t be here.”
“No shit, they shouldn’t be here,” I muttered.
That was when the video feed went frizzy and was replaced, ironically enough, with the plastic, blandly handsome features of President Omega. He was a tall Caucasian man with a good head of hair and a smile that was just a little too broad. He was standing in front of a podium with a dozen microphones, but the Presidential seal had been replaced with the Omega symbol from the Roman alphabet plus the motto “In Omega, we obey.” Which, honestly, didn’t even make sense.
President Omega had a goofy, almost psychotic grin on his face, exposing his too-many-teeth smile. “Hello, folks, I thought I’d address you personally. You know, before I kill you—and believe me, Gary, I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time.”
“I knew I should have voted for the other guy,” I muttered.
“This is why I voted for the other guy,” I said.
“He does some redeeming qualities,” Gabrielle said. “Like now I know who to punch to the moon.”
“He is like...President Evil,” Cindy said. “We should totally make that his codename.”
“Versus President Omega?” I said, looking at her.
“What about it? It’s his name,” Cindy asked, confused.
“What do you want, Omega?” Gabrielle growled, staring at the black and white screen.
President Omega smiled. It was a plastic, almost inhuman look. “To conquer the world, exterminate all Supers, re-engineer humanity to become a race of cybernetic fascists, and then proceed to unleash a jihad on the rest of the universe where we exterminate all life different from ourselves. Oh, and to balance the budget.”
“Well that’s a shitty way of doing it,” I said. “Unlimited military spending is how we got into this mess!”
Gabrielle shot a look at me rather than at him.
“How the hell did a psychopath like you get elected in the first place?” I said, at least glad my enemy had shown his true colors.
“Time travel,” President Omega said, smiling. “I was born in the forty-ninth century, you see, where everything is peaceful and joyous. So, I built a time machine, travelled to the last century when people were interesting, and proceeded to manipulate the economy by causing financial crisis after financial crisis before eliminating all of my potential competition. Unfortunately, every time I tried to eliminate the various superheroes that stood in my way of making a really fun future, my plans failed. They have protection from higher authorities than even my Lord Entropicus is able to match. At least, until now.”
Lord Entropicus was the immortal space god who ruled over the planet Abaddon at the end of time—I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. He was also the force that P.H.A.N.T.O.M’s soldiers worshiped and responsible for all manner of horrific universe-conquering plans. Tom Terror may have been Ultragod’s archenemy, but Entropicus was probably his most dangerous foe. His being the patron of President Omega explained a lot.
“Cindy, are you recording this?” I asked, hoping his talking had given us some evidence against him. It wouldn’t be rock solid in a world of shapeshifters, illusionists, alternate universe doppelgangers, and robot replacements, but it would be something we could use.
Cindy sighed. “Nope. I didn’t buy the tape drives this thing uses. Shame, this would have been really convenient.”
“You killed my father,” Gabrielle said, balling her fists. “You monster.”
“Oh, even better, I’ve replac
ed your father,” President Omega said. “Just like I’m going to replace you and the rest of the Society of Superheroes with nasty, anti-hero versions of themselves from a reality so dark it might as well have been written by a British comic book writer. Your Society of Superheroes is so used to blindly following Ultragod, they’ll do half my job for me before they realize it’s leading to their graves.”
“Nice plan,” I said.
“You would know,” President Omega said.
I looked at him confused. “Uh-huh.”
Well, at least I knew whom I had to kill to get back Mandy now. Death had wanted me to find the person responsible for Ultragod’s death and kill him. Honestly, I was kind of glad it turned out to be a time-wielding despot since that sort of removed any moral ambiguity from the situation. The fact he was a time-traveler also meant it was possible to fix all of the crap he’d pulled.
Because that’s how it worked according to my understanding of temporal physics, which was derived primarily from Star Trek and Back to the Future. Then again, I remembered Omega Corp from my childhood on, and if he’d screwed up time that badly, then who knew what “fixing” things would entail. I didn’t want to end up like the finale of Continuum, another work that Cindy and I disagreed on.
“One last question, dipshit,” I said, staring at him.
“Oh, go ahead. I’m just taking a break from using my mind-control satellites to take over the world.” President Omega spoke with a childish glee. It was like hearing myself talk about supervillainy.
First Lady Omega, wearing a replica of Jackie O’s iconic pillbox hat and coat, chased a senator in front of the camera with a fire axe while cackling madly. Weirdly, she bore a suspicious similarity to Cindy now that she was covered in blood and laughing.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” Constance Omega shouted.
I tried to ignore that. “Why me? Is this really all about ripping your company off? Why all the effort to blowing up my house and putting a bounty on my head?”
President Omega blinked then looked surprised. “Oh, you think I’m trying to kill you? No, no, no, Gary. Quite the opposite. All that is done by the Resistance aided by the Time Police. They’re trying to get me through you. You see, you’re my father.”
My eyes widened.
Chapter Thirteen
Where We Choose to be Heroes and Villains
I stared at the screen, gobsmacked. So did Cindy and Gabrielle.
President Omega was my son? Who was his mother? What did this mean?
Omega stared back at us, meeting our gaze. He then struggled to suppress a grin before bursting out laughing. “Just kidding. I’m not your son. No, I just hate you for reasons that would involve revealing way too much of my evil plan.”
“Oh, fuck you!” I said, appalled.
Cindy couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “I’m sorry, Gary, but that’s actually pretty damned funny.”
President Omega snorted. “I mean how would that even make any sense? I’m older than you and from the fucking future. I mean, yes, time travel, but what are the odds?”
The nurse, who was still in the room, said, “Actually, assuming Gary has a child that lives to pass on their genes, then the statistical likelihood of being your ancestor by the forty-ninth century is actually pretty good.”
“Get that guy out of here,” I said, shaking my head.
“So, yeah, I actually am responsible for all of that horrible stuff that has happened to you,” Omega said. “I even prevented the military from putting down the zombie apocalypse in your hometown less to discredit the Society of Superheroes than to ruin you personally. Not that the Society of Superheroes needs much discrediting with how little they change this world. I mean, forty super-scientists and they still haven’t cured cancer? Doctor Aeon is useless.”
“Again, why me?” I asked, wondering how Omega had disguised his insanity so long.
“Probably robot doppelgangers,” Cloak said. “Though the ability to reverse time means he really only has to disguise it once.”
I needed to get me some of that.
“You really don’t,” Cloak said.
Omega’s smile became predatory. “You keep acting like this is some sort of personal vendetta. Oh, it is—but not the way you think. Do you know what the best part of time-travel is? The complete lack of consequences of being an asshole. I killed the girls who disliked me in high school. I had my mother banished to some hellish torture dimension for not catering to my every whim. Yesterday, I had the guy who screwed up my latte’s entire family killed. Then I had them re-animated so they could eat him. I’m that much of an asshole. Why you, Gary? Because I don’t like you. Your giving away all that money you stole from me really offended me. I also have had to listen to you way too many times these past few months planning this whole shebang.”
Cindy and Gabrielle exchanged a look then gave one to me.
I shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea what he was talking about. “I’m confused.”
“Get used to it,” President Omega said. “Today, I’m going to kill a few million people and by the weekend, I hope to have slain an even billion.”
A glassy-eyed Playboy Bunny-dressed woman whom I recognized as a prominent journalist brought Omega a martini, followed by similarly confused-looking man in a Chippendales outfit, who gave the president a napkin to stuff down his shirt.
“You’re a monster,” Gabrielle said.
“Exactamundo!” Omega said, drinking his martini and letting some spill on his shirt due to the way his mouth was shaped. “Now you’re going to turn Gabrielle over to me so I can use her as the power source for a big Death Star-sized laser I’m building so I can blow up planets of peaceful aliens.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so.” I looked at Cindy. “Is there an off switch for this thing?”
“Sure,” Cindy said. “I’m tired of this channel anyway.”
“You’ll do it,” Omega said, smiling. “Otherwise, Darklight has orders to kill every single man, woman, and child in the hospital.”
Gabrielle said. “You’ll never get away with this.”
Omega made finger guns at me. “That’s what they said destroying Patience, Delaware. It’s amazing what you can get away with when you have sufficiently-advanced technology indistinguishable from magic—mostly because it runs on magic in the forty-ninth century. You have a minute to decide.”
“And you’ll kill us when we surrender,” I said.
“Probably,” Omega said. “Hell, I’ll probably have everyone in the hospital killed anyway. Adios!”
He lifted his martini glass and disappeared. A test pattern on the screen replaced his image before going back to the Darklight unit which had now completely surrounded the hospital. They also had dozens of hostages lined up for execution in front of the building. Roadblocks and black helicopters kept other people from coming to the scene and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were jamming all communication in or out. When this whole ordeal was done, the story would be anything they wanted it to be. I imagined it would be, “United States government avenges the death of Ultragoddess by killing terrorist Gary Karkofsky. Three-hundred hospital patients were killed in the ensuing firefight.”
I looked at Cindy. “And to think you voted for him.”
“He seemed so nice in his political ads!” Cindy said. “He promised to lower taxes and deal with the supervillain problem.”
“We’re the supervillain problem!” I shouted.
“I know that now!”
Gabrielle, meanwhile, was silent. A silence she broke for a second. “This is why.”
“What?” I said, confused.
“This is why the world fucking sucks!” Gabrielle said, conjuring a giant Ultra-Force fist and smashing the table. “Do you want to know why world hunger, cancer, war, and worse haven’t been solved by superheroes yet? BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE THAT! People who ruin other people’s lives for shit and giggles and because it makes them feel like big men! The guys who think
the only way they can be better is by making other people feel worse! This is the difference between superheroes and supervillains! This is...”
I gave her a hug.
Cindy got up and also hugged her.
The nurse started to join us before I growled at him.
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’ll get through this.”
“I have to try and save these people,” Gabrielle said. “Even if it’s a trap.”
“Duh,” Cindy said. “It’s not unselfish to protect people while trying to save yourself. It’s just sensible for maintaining enlightened interest.”
“Uh, what?” Gabrielle said.
“I think she’s suggesting we should just kill those bastards outside and leave,” I said.
“I don’t kill, Gary,” Gabrielle said, looking down.
“You don’t have to,” I whispered. “I will. Starting with these guys out there and ending with President Omega.”
Gabrielle looked down. “Thank you.”
That was when I saw the figure of Ultragod, or Ultragod’s impostor, settle down amongst the Darklight forces. He was an Olympian-proportioned African-American man in a skin-tight white and gold outfit (presumably, I couldn’t tell over the black and white monitors) with a similarly-colored golden cape flowing behind him. Otherworldly electricity moved through and around his body, circling his eyes especially. Unlike most superheroes, he wore no crests or symbols, but everyone in the world knew who he was. The False Ultragod had come here to help Darklight slaughter us all.
Gabrielle narrowed her eyes. “I know what I’m going to be doing during this.”
“Good,” I muttered, not at all wanting to tangle with a man so far out of my weight class it might as well have been Little Mac versus Mike Tyson.
“Was he a boxer?” Cloak asked.
“Sort of,” I explained. “Much the same way Mario was a plumber.”
Gabrielle looked at me. “Are you ever going to be serious?”
“No,” I said.
Cindy broke off her hug with me. “I’ve got a secret tunnel underneath the hospital leading behind these guys. We’ll take it and then ambush them on the other side.”