by C. T. Phipps
“This entire plot is a rehash of what the Brotherhood of Infamy tried to do and what Diabloman did do. You’re so burned out on your own worthlessness, you can’t even come up with an original plan for world domination.”
Other Gary clenched his teeth. “That is not what is happening here.”
I stared at him, my voice dripping with venom. “If you’re anything like me, you spent your entire life defining yourself through others. Keith, Mandy, and everyone else. Which is a good thing because they gave you strength, but they were gone you didn’t know what the hell to do with yourself. You couldn’t join the dating scene, adopt a kid, or anything worthwhile. You decided to stew in your own misery instead. Mandy has been dead for a year and I never became the psycho you did. I’ve also lived with this crappy world my entire life. Sometimes, I even make it better, and I was never tempted to murder any of my loved one’s parents!”
“You little punk.”
“Not since high school,” I said, disgusted with my doppelganger. “You know what’s really sad? Mandy and I would have welcomed you into our home. You didn’t have to be alone. We could have been superbuddies. We could have worked out a way to get your Mandy back or, God forbid, let you die so you could be with her? This is a cosmic temper tantrum and it is the most pathetic thing I have ever seen. You can tell a supervillain by the quality of their henchmen, and Omega as well as Ultradevil? Big on power, short on brains. You, Other Gary, suck.”
Other Gary trembled in rage.
It was time for the crowning moment of glory to my hastily-concocted plan. “And for the piece de la resistance, the fact you can summon ghosts means I can summon ghosts too.”
“Gary, what are you doing?” Cloak asked.
“Something really stupid,” I said.
“I see,” Cloak said.
“Other Mandy,” I said simply. “Please come forth.”
I snapped my fingers for dramatic effect and hoped this worked, because otherwise I was screwed. We all were. Feeling a rush of power, a sense of strange satisfaction, and the presence of an otherworldly energy, I knew it had worked. I reached back to the universe that had been and found the soul of my doppelganger’s lover.
I don’t think I could have actually pulled it off on my own without Death’s permission, but being her chosen came with its advantages, and knowing this guy was part of the conspiracy that killed Ultragod put into perspective just why Death was interested in avenging him. I imagined this Gary had once been in her good graces but was now officially on her shit list.
Reality folded in my mind, and I got a glimpse of the universe that Other Gary came from. It was from this reality that I drew forth Other Mandy’s ghost. In the brief moment I touched her spirit, I felt a good and decent person who had been worth saving even if her world was a repressive den of conservatism. She appeared in front of Other Gary, still looking like she was in her twenties, with a headband, a long skirt, and a sweater that looked straight from a period-appropriate TV show.
“Hey tiger,” Other Mandy said, her voice echoing as she spoke.
Other Gary proceeded to lose his shit. Covering his face, he turned away from her, tears in his eyes. “No! No! No! Please don’t look at me! They’ve ruined me! This world! This place! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
“Not as much as you’re going to be,” I said, my voice dull.
I then lifted up a single pistol and shot him through Other Mandy’s ghost.
Right through the eyes.
Other Mandy’s ghost vanished.
I then shot him again.
And again.
And again.
After about the sixth shot to the head, he stopped regenerating and all of the ghosts around the forest vanished.
Other Gary was dead.
“Yay,” I said, my voice empty. I’d killed a lot of supervillains and anti-heroes in my time, but this is the first time I felt bad about it.
What a waste.
“May he find peace in whatever afterlife awaits him,” Cloak said. “The Primals watch over and keep him.”
“I don’t care what happens to him,” I said, looking away. “He endangered my family. Doppelganger or not.”
It felt hollow, though.
My introspection was interrupted by Gabrielle being slammed into the ground behind me at two hundred miles per hour. It generated an impact crater eight feet in every direction and threw burning dirt in the air. Defeating Other Gary had destroyed the other Ultra-Force ghosts, but it had still weakened her enough that Ultradevil had been able to rally around her. He looked about ready to collapse, though, standing above her, and Gabrielle didn’t look completely out of it.
“Fools,” Ultradevil said, between heavy breaths. “Do you really think killing Merciful is going to stop anything? He was always going to die. We were going to kill him after he killed you. We barely will lose any necromantic power from his death. He didn’t use Omega and me. We used him, and now there is one less place to divide the Earth among our triumvirate. The Society of Superheroes may have overthrown my reign on Htrae, but I will—”
Ultradevil didn’t have time to say anything else because Lisa unleashed a sparkling collection of fireworks-like energy blasts in his face. The blast blinded him and sent him back a few paces toward me.
I lifted up my gun behind his head and pulled the trigger. The hellfire bullet passed out the front of his temple and he fell face-forward into the ground beside Ultragoddess. Gabrielle was already getting up by this point and just barely managed to pull her cape out of the way before Ultradevil landed on it.
“Dodge this?” Cloak suggested.
I tossed my gun on the ground, not at all interested in it anymore. “Yeah, I’m not really in the mood for quips now.”
Gabrielle looked down at Ultradevil. “I’m not a killer, Gary. I thought I might be but it turns out I don’t have it in me. I won’t lie to you, though, I’m not at all sorry these people are dead. Both of them.”
“No judgments from me,” I said, looking over at Mandy. “Do you think we’ve changed the future?”
“I never saw Merciful in the future. Ultradevil’s death is new too,” Mandy said. “You weren’t supposed to kill him for a few decades.”
“Whee,” I said, waving a dismissive hand. “Yay us. Maybe the Society of Superheroes will no longer be crazy and we can fix all this.”
“Ultra-mesmerism doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid,” Ultragoddess said. “I might be able to reverse the process on them, but only one at a time, and we don’t have time to try that on the Society’s literal hundreds of members.”
I called over to Kerri. “You okay?”
Kerri popped her head out from behind one of the cabin walls. “Oh, yes. Can we not do this again? Ever?”
“I’ll try,” I said.
“Super!” Kerri said.
“Lisa?” I asked.
Lisa punched the air. “That was awesome! Did you see that? I totally beat Ultragod! Err, Evil Ultragod! I’m like in the world-class now! Everyone in the world is going to know my superhero codename, which I’ve decided—”
“My niece is named Sparkler, by the way,” I addressed everyone. “You know, the lamest of all fireworks.”
“What!?” Lisa said.
“I like sparklers,” Cindy said, plopping her butt on the ground. “Ugh. Do we still have to save the world?”
“I’m afraid so,” I said. “This has just made it a great deal easier. I’m hoping, at least.”
“I am not Sparkler!” Lisa shouted.
“You are totally Sparkler,” Cindy said, looking over at her. “Diabloman.”
“Sparkler indeed,” Diabloman said, cracking his knuckles. “If you don’t mind, Gary, could you check on my family?”
It was a grim prospect, but I nodded. “Sure.”
“They’re fine,” came a female voice filled the air.
A whoosh of wind sent pine needles flying around us before we were joined by my boss and the person w
ho dispatched me to solve Ultragod’s murder.
Death.
Oh boy.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Where I Try to Pass the Buck
Death appeared in a goth punk outfit that would have been at home in Mandy’s closet during the late nineties. Today she was wearing a black leather bustier, leather pants, and a pair of Doc Martens. She had blood-red hair, braids, and skin as white as porcelain. Her irises were a deep shade of yellow and she was sucking on a lollipop.
“Gary, why does Death look like a hotter version of you with black angel wings?” Cindy asked, positively drooling.
I looked over at Death, confused.
“Santa Muerte looks like my dead sister,” Diabloman said, looking down. “Spellbinder deserved better than death at my hands.”
“I see nothing,” Mandy said, confused. “Nothing at all. Just hear a voice.”
“Skeletal man with a scythe here,” Gabrielle said. “Weird.”
“Principal Withers?” Lisa said.
“Your relationship with the end of life determines how I appear,” Death said. “Beloved, hated, or accepted.”
“Hi!” Kerri waved. “Long time no see.”
“Hello, Kerri.” Death waved back. “My other favorite person in the whole world.”
“Should I be bothered you love my family so much?” I asked, not sure how to react to that one.
Of course, right now I was on an emotional roller coaster. Merciful was dead, Ultradevil was dead, two of my henchmen were gone, my family was safe, the world was about to end, and we were still short the world’s greatest superhero. I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this.
“Don’t be bothered I love the Karkofskys,” Death said and sang the opening to The Addams Family.
“Okay, Death is quoting The Addams Family theme,” Mandy said, shaking her head. “Now my unlife is complete.”
“Life is strange when you’re a time-traveling girl,” Cindy said, taking a deep breath. “So this is Samael, huh? Nice to meet you. Please don’t damn me horribly, unless Hell is actually kind of cool.”
“Sorry, it’s not.”
“Dammit!” Cindy said. “Points for Chosen People?”
“Sure, why not,” Death said, moving the lollipop to the other side of her mouth. “Congratulations on accomplishing two-thirds of your mission to avenge Ultragod.”
“Is that why you’re here?” I asked. With all the chaos, I’d almost forgotten about the deal I’d made with Death.
“No you didn’t,” Cloak said.
“You’re right,” I said back, telepathically. “I’ve been thinking about bringing Mandy back only every other second.”
“Yes,” Death said. “I made a deal and I never back down from one.”
There was an ominous tone to her voice that I wasn’t entirely happy with. Then again, I had more or less blackmailed her into resurrecting Mandy. As I understood it, most of her minions reacted to her orders with “Yes, mistress” and “Absolutely, mistress.” I was the first to take the time-honored Torah approach of arguing with God over every little important detail.
Still, I was surprised she was showing up now. “Don’t I have to kill Omega first?”
“I have even odds you’ll die horribly,” Death said, surprising me. “So, I thought I’d be nice and give you your reward now. Besides, Merciful was the one who actually pulled the trigger.”
I shot a glance over at Gabrielle, unsure how to react. Ultragoddess had always thought my being involved in her life would get me killed, but it turned out it had gotten her father killed instead. If Gary hadn’t known all of her family’s secrets, then there was no chance he would have caught Moses Anders off-guard like that.
“Don’t blame yourself,” Cloak reassured me.
“Even though I myself am to blame?” I pointed out.
“Err, yes,” Cloak said. “I think.”
Gabrielle didn’t comment on any of that, instead focusing on the fact that her father was avenged. “I wish I could say that made me feel better, but all I can think about is the millions of people who are going to die if we stop Omega. I don’t suppose you could—”
“No,” Death said, interrupting her plea for aid. “I exert unimaginable influence across a myriad of dimensions, but I only work through intermediaries by ancient decree. Billions of people across countless galaxies die every second, so the consequences of Omega exterminating the people of Earth don’t matter from my perspective. They do, however, matter enough to those I care for to say I hope you succeed.”
“Those you care for?” I asked.
“You’re pals with the end-of-all-things.” Death smiled. “Don’t let it go to your head.”
“Thanks.” I sucked in my breath, ready to get this over with. “Well, you know what I want.”
I was honestly surprised this was going to happen. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop since my pact with Death had been struck. After the disaster in resurrecting her with The Book of Midnight, I’d fully expected the world to end before I managed to get Mandy back. It would be an awkward series of conversations, what to do about Cindy and all, but I didn’t care. I loved Mandy and would have her back in my life. I loved Cindy too, and if Mandy wasn’t all right with that, well, then at least she’d be safe. Still, I steeled myself, because it was almost too much to hope for that this was really going to happen.
“Yeah, about that.” Death scratched the side of her head. It was an embarrassed gesture that looked inappropriate on someone so regal. “You do realize Mandy already has her soul back, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “I know. I just didn’t know if Other Gary was lying his ass off.”
“What?” Mandy said. “I do?”
“He wasn’t,” Death said to me. “Your predecessor was driven mad by the destruction of his world, isolation, and self-hatred he felt over failing to protect his wife. He didn’t allow himself to love again, and it rotted him from the inside until he wanted to lash out against everyone and everything. Even so, he was still capable of feeling, loving, and caring. Enough to try and give you back something he had suffered the loss of.”
“He’s still a dick,” I said. “Also, one assuredly consigned to hell.”
Death closed her eyes. “Hell is what he was living before. Now he will have to experience that forever.”
“The Evil Gary gave you your soul back,” Diabloman explained. “Then he sent you back in time twice as part of an elaborate scheme, but I suspect he couldn’t kill you like he could the rest of the world. It seems simple enough to me.”
“Your definition of simple leaves a lot to be desired,” I said, completely flabbergasted by that revelation.
“I’m me again?” Mandy said. “Not just a vampire who learned some impulse control?”
“You never wondered why you weren’t a rampaging psychopath anymore?” Death asked Mandy, letting out an amused chuckle.
She was enjoying this far too much.
“No, I didn’t wonder why I wasn’t psychopathic anymore,” Mandy said, furious. “I spent decades wondering if I was just a copy and you don’t bother to—”
“Mandy, don’t taunt the eldritch abomination,” I said.
Death glared at me.
All of the grass underneath my feet died.
“Who is not in this room,” I said, quickly correcting myself. “You should also be polite to this much-beloved force of nature who is our dear, dear friend.”
Cindy proceeded to wrap Mandy in a hug and squeeze her, almost causing the vampiress to fall over. “I’m sorry I called you a Bloodsucking Murder Skank! I promise to only do that affectionately from now on.”
I was too stunned to react and wished I could fall over. I couldn’t even go over to hug my wife. “So this entire time you knew Mandy was going to come back with your weird time-reincarnation thing?”
“Yes,” Death said. “I am omniscient.”
“Then don’t you know how the whole Omega thing is going to tur
n out?”
Death didn’t even shrug. “Yes, but I don’t want to be impolite and say I’m not going to tell you.”
Point to her. “Then why make me go through all this song and dance? You could have just told me.”
“Death is not kind,” Death said, simply. “Also, you needed to undergo this painful journey to strengthen yourself for the coming struggle.”
“This reminds me very much of Glinda telling Dorothy that the ruby slippers would take her home,” Kerri said, walking up beside Lisa. “I always thought that was very rude of her.”
“Glinda was totally in cahoots with the Wizard to take out the Wicked Witch of the West,” I said, before deciding I was still not in the mood for quips. “Never mind, forget I said anything about that. Well, thank you anyway, Death. You’ve done something for me which I will be forever grateful for.”
It was hard to be thankful under the circumstances. Still, I tried.
Death didn’t depart, though. Instead, she just stood there as if judging me from head to toe. “I owe you a favor, or at least two-thirds of one, Gary. Anyone you want brought back to life or anyone you want killed.”
I stared at her. “What’s your game, Death?”
Death gave a half-smile. “No game. I just always pay my debts.”
“Like a Lannister!” Cindy said, still hugging Mandy.
Mandy looked over at me, starting to look uncomfortable. “Gary, may I point out what happened last time you made a deal with a godlike super being? I became what I am.”
“Death isn’t like Zul-Barbas. We all meet her eventually.” I took a deep breath. “Anyone?”
“Within reason,” Death said.
“Like Gabrielle’s father?” I asked, very careful about what she was saying.
“Or your brother,” Death said, walking up to me and putting her arm around me. “Or your henchwoman back there, or even yourself, to give you an extra life, like in video games.”
“Actually, they just do checkpoints and save files in video games now.”
“Pity.”