“I think you are too.”
“No… I think I’m…” She swallows hard and looks around. Then she stands up. “Yeah…”
“What’s wrong?”
She touches her stomach. “The ice cream. I think it’s bad.”
“The ice cream is fine,” I say. “You’re drunk. And you’re getting sick, aren’t you?”
“Will you come with me?” Violet asks. “I’m afraid to throw up alone.”
“Sure,” I say.
I stand up.
The room sways back and forth.
Violet grabs my hand. “Oh, hurry up, Jolie. I have about ten seconds until things get bad…”
I steady my feet and my focus and I get Violet to the bathroom.
She groans before moving to her knees before the toilet.
I gently touch her hair and pull it back and hold it out of the way as she groans again and then throws up.
I turn my head and shut my eyes.
The sound and the smell alone are enough that my stomach starts teasing me it’s going to do the same.
When the first round is over, Violet groans again.
“I hate myself.”
“Of course you do,” I say. “But you’re okay, Violet.”
“I don’t feel okay,” she says. “I’m ruining your night.”
I laugh. “No, you’re doing what you came to do. You’re distracting me.”
“Here’s what I think… oh, fuck, wait…”
I roll my eyes and Violet throws up again.
I reach for the sink and grab a stray hair tie.
I twist Violet’s hair up into a messy bun and wrap the tie around her thick hair twice.
“There,” I say. “Now you can puke in peace.”
“Don’t leave me,” she says.
“I’m not leaving you, Violet.”
She inches back from the toilet and shuts the lid and flushes.
She looks at me.
It’s amazing how fast someone can go from happy and drunk to looking pale-white and ready to die.
“I’m going to get you some water,” I say.
I hurry to the kitchen and come back with a bottle of water.
Violet sips it.
“What were you saying?” I ask her.
“Oh. Yeah. What I think. What I think… is… you and Mac… I don’t know. You love him. So as much as I want to say just take the memories and run, I don’t think you can. But, Jolie, they’re so bad. Like really bad… bad guys…”
“Violet,” I say.
“What?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Okay,” she says. “I’m tired.”
I help Violet to her feet and I walk her to my bedroom.
I get her into the bed and then do the cliché thing of getting her a trashcan and a washcloth, plus her bottle of water.
In a way I always feel like a caretaker.
When I just want someone to take care of me.
Like Mac did?
I get into my bed next to Violet.
I make sure she’s on her side and put a pillow behind her to keep her there.
I try to tuck myself into the corner of my bed where it meets the wall. Just like my favorite spot in Mac’s bed.
It’s okay… but it’s not the same at all.
I miss him.
I’m confused by it all.
I know things will never change.
He is who he is.
And if I keep making the choices I’m making…
I shut may eyes.
I don’t want to cry tonight.
When I wake up, it feels way too early.
Violet is snoring her heart out.
I lean over and look at her.
She looks good.
Normal, I mean.
Which makes sense. She threw up and will feel great today.
As for me, I feel like I have something living in the front of my head.
I look for my phone and when I see what time it is, I realize half the day is already gone.
So, no, I’m not up early. Not at all.
I used to wake up early all the time. Like super early. I used to wake up and study. I used to cook breakfast. I used to go through my notes before I’d go to class to learn more and then I’d study again.
There’s a lot I used to do.
I climb out of my bed and work my way to the bathroom.
I look and feel like hell.
Which is my new normal.
I don’t even care.
I do attempt to clean myself up a little after I pee.
Then it’s time for coffee.
My new normal also includes just staring at the coffeemaker. Watching the water flow into the coffeepot. My nose twitching to smell that beautiful smell.
When the coffee is done, I pour a cup, take a sip, and there’s a knock at the door.
My heart does the same thing as always when I hear a knock at the door.
I’m packing as I walk with my coffee cup toward the door.
If this is someone I don’t want to see, they’re getting hot coffee to the face.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“Just open the door, darling.”
“Taz?” I ask. “What do you want?”
“I’m not here to hurt you. Just open the door.”
I bite my lip and decide to open the door.
Taz shows me his hands and then turns around all the way.
“I’m not here for anything crazy,” he says.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“Can I come in for a second?”
“Sure.”
Taz enters my apartment. “Did I wake you?”
“No.”
“I wanted to come by… well, I was told to come by…”
Taz’s eyes move from me.
I glance over my shoulder and I see Violet walking from my bedroom.
“Holy fuck,” Taz says.
Violet looks at Taz and gasps. She touches her hair. Her face.
“Taz…”
“Look at you,” he says. “You look like regret.”
“I just woke up,” she says. “I’m embarrassed. My hair is a mess…”
“He’s not looking at your hair, Violet,” I say.
Violet seems to have forgotten that she took her bra off last night. And her shirt was now hugging her chest. And… well… it must have been a little chilly in the apartment for her…
When she realizes that she’s poking against her shirt, she covers her chest.
“Don’t worry,” Taz says. “I don’t mind.”
“What do you want, Taz?”
“I was coming to talk to you about Mac. But now I don’t care. Go do your thing, Jolie. I’m staying with Violet.”
I put my hand out. “You’re not staying here.”
Taz looks at me. “Neither are you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mac sent me to get you… you have to say goodbye to Mama Dae.”
19
MAC
I stand at Mama’s door and know nothing will ever be the same. Not that anything had been the same lately anyway. I put my hand to the doorknob and I take a deep breath.
I think about earlier in the morning…
I sit on the railing and smoke a cigarette.
Night turns to day and I’m there to experience it all.
The first to show up to the beach are Van and Clay.
They see me and they both drop their boards and rush my way.
“What are you doing here?” Van asks. “Everything okay?”
“Just taking in a new day, bro,” I say.
“You’re never around this early,” Clay says.
“Does it matter to you?” I ask.
They shake their heads.
“Do your thing,” Van says. “We always like to hit the first waves. Sets the tone for the day, you know?”
“Don’t let me stop you,” I say. I jump off the railing and toss my cigarette away. “He
y, everything okay around here?”
“Fucking beautiful,” Clay says.
“Good,” I say.
Van and Clay walk back down to the shore.
I walk around to the halfpipe.
There’s a few losers sleeping down at the bottom.
The burnouts who took too much last night and just crashed.
They’ll wake up soon enough and hurry away to another dark hole and wait to emerge again when night falls.
Something about it is kind of romantic.
Like everyone has their place.
That hits me hard in the heart.
Everyone has their place.
Good, bad, and in between.
I walk to my motorcycle and take a ride.
I need to find Taz and have him do me a favor.
The morning rushes through my head and I turn the doorknob and step into the kitchen.
The counter has a shit ton of boxes on it.
Mama appears from the other side of the counter, a gun in her hand.
“Don’t shoot,” I say.
“You never know, Mac,” she says. “I’m losing it here.”
“So is this going to be the joke now?” I ask.
“Of course it is,” she says. “How else am I going to survive it?”
You’re not going to survive it, Mama. That’s the problem.
We stare at each other.
Things have been quiet.
It’s been a hectic couple days.
Without Jolie at my side, I just don’t feel complete.
Mama hasn’t talked about what happened when she thought I was Declan.
But she has made some big decisions in her life.
Which is why I called Taz this morning to help me out.
She moves toward me and pushes a box out of the way.
There’s a piece of paper on the counter.
“Got this today,” she says. “It’s going to be put everywhere. Just so you know.”
I look at the paper and I swallow hard.
MISSING
That word hits home hard.
There’s a picture of Ado on the paper.
Along with where he was last seen.
All of it bullshit. All of it a lie.
I put my hand to the paper and take a deep breath.
Mama puts her hand to mine. “You did the right thing, Mac.”
“I know I did.”
“This is how it goes, though. You know that.”
“I know,” I say.
I pull my hand away from Mama and walk toward the door.
I open it and go outside.
Ado is gone. For good.
Mama is packing up the house. For good.
I have to face Jolie one more time.
And then that’s it… for good.
When I see Jolie, it’s like someone punches me in the chest and rips out my fucking heart. I look at her and I don’t even want my cigarette anymore. I just drop the thing and step on it.
She’s walking forward and looks down. Then she tucks her hair behind her ears and slowly looks forward again. Right at me.
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life.
Taz stops walking and he lets Jolie keep coming toward me.
Our eyes lock and she touches her hair again. Then she touches her shirt.
She’s fumbling around.
Nervous to see me.
Her heart’s probably racing as fast as mine.
I move toward the door and nod at her. “Ready?”
“Mac, what’s happening?” she asks. “Taz wouldn’t tell me anything. Is she okay?”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” I ask.
“Of course I am.”
“What about yourself, sweetie?” I ask. “What she did to you…”
“She’s getting hers now,” Jolie says in a cold voice. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
I look at the door and grit my teeth.
God, I fucking love her.
I open the door and step into the house again.
Jolie follows me and lets out a gasp when she sees the boxes.
“Mac…?”
“She’s moving,” I say.
“Jolie,” Mama’s voice says before Jolie can ask me anything else.
Jolie looks at Mama.
Mama starts to close in on Jolie.
Jolie puts her hand out. “No. You’re not going to hug me and act confused.”
Shit.
Mama freezes. “I have a gun in my pocket, Jolie.”
“Then shoot me,” Jolie challenges.
“I’ll get away with it if I do.”
“I don’t care,” Jolie says.
Mama takes out the gun.
I see Jolie tense up.
I move forward to step into the middle of them.
But Mama puts the gun on the counter.
“Let’s talk,” she says. “I think it’s time.”
“I think so too,” Jolie says.
Mama waves her hand and we walk to the table.
When I sit down next to Jolie, she gets up and goes around the table to the other side.
“This, I don’t like it,” Mama says.
“I don’t care,” Jolie says.
“You’re vicious, Jolie,” Mama says.
“It’s called protecting myself.”
“Which you should do, sweetie,” I say.
Jolie lifts the middle finger on her left hand and that’s all for me.
“I said something,” Mama says. “When my mind was slipping. I said something really dangerous.”
“The truth?” Jolie asks.
Mama nods. “Yes. The truth. The truth is dangerous in life. In this life. That’s why I’m leaving. I have to leave. It’s time. Sticking around and doing what I’ve been doing is only going to get someone killed.”
Jolie and I look at each other.
I owe her a lot for saving me from what I wanted to do to Declan. If I had actually done it…
Jolie was right when it came to Declan.
And, honestly, having him alive and in my back pocket is a good thing.
“I know I’ve made some mistakes,” Mama says. “Some small. Some big. But all it takes is one to really fuck up the whole thing. And that mistake I made with a clear mind. I’m going to tell you exactly what happened with Declan.”
I stand up and walk around the table.
I stand behind Jolie and put my hand to her shoulder.
Mama stares forward at the table.
Jolie reaches up and touches my hand.
She doesn’t swat it away though.
She grips it tight.
“There’s a level of… I don’t even know.” Mama laughs. “You can’t just let someone in that easily. There’s so much risk to it. And especially with you, Jolie. You know you’re a risk. There’s no denying that. A beautiful woman like yourself. So innocent though. That’s the thing. But you did learn to shoot a gun. You understood when it was time to hide and wait. And from what I hear, you have had no problem making hard decisions for yourself.”
“Are you praising me now?” Jolie asks.
Mama laughs again. “Your shoulder is so cold, I’m wondering if we’re related. You don’t forgive so easily now. I like that about you, Jolie. Keep that. Use that. Never, ever just give in. Look, my mind is slipping. I don’t know what it’ll be like in a week or a month. I’m going to forget everyone. Forget everything. I’m going to lose myself. I’m going to die but be alive. That’s not a good feeling.”
“Fuck, Mama, don’t say it like that,” I say.
“It’s the truth,” Jolie says.
Mama points at Jolie. “It’s the truth. That’s right.”
I tighten my hand on Jolie’s shoulder.
It hurts to see Mama like this.
“I told Declan to go to your place, Jolie,” Mama says. “I wanted him to scare you. Yes, I wanted him to chase you away. I saw the look in Mac’s eyes. I fear distraction. I
knew something was wrong with me. I’ve been going to the doctor for a while now. And it’s getting worse. I didn’t want Mac not focused.”
“Do you realize what that did to me?” Jolie asks.
Mama nods. “Of course I do. It scared you. But not away. You ran right to Mac. You could have pushed him away but you didn’t. That’s when I realized this was real.”
“Why didn’t you say something then?” I ask.
“There was no need,” Mama says. “You were focused, Mac. You were in love. Think about where it all went from there. The protection. How intense it all got. The decisions you made on your own. Now, if you want the other side of it all…” Mama slides her left hand toward Jolie. “I kind of fell in love with Jolie myself.”
“How sweet,” Jolie says.
“How sweet is right,” Mama says. “You’re a pain in the ass, Jolie. You don’t listen. You tell everyone how okay you are with things, but you’re not. You want to know more than you let on. You have little manipulative ways of getting information too. On top of that, you decided to take my personal business and spread it around. So now I’m moving out of my own house to protect myself and everyone I love.”
Jolie pushes the chair back into me.
She stands up. “You’re blaming me?”
“No,” Mama says. “Not at all. I’m telling you who you are. You did all of that because you care. Because you’re smart. You can see things not many can see. That makes you special, Jolie. You saved everyone’s life doing what you did.”
“Just relax, sweetie,” I whisper to Jolie.
“I won’t fucking relax,” Jolie says. “Are we done here?”
“Yeah,” Mama says. “You didn’t have to show up. I just wanted to tell you the truth before I forget. That’s the truth, Jolie. I needed to do something about you. You proved yourself. I’m not asking you to forgive me either. I don’t want you to forgive me. That shows weakness.”
Jolie looks around.
I’m standing next to her at the table.
It feels right to be close to her.
“So now what?” Jolie asks Mama.
Mama puts her hands to the table and stands up. “Now I leave. The house will be mostly the same. Mac has the keys. Everything will be left in his control. He’s like the son I never had. His parents never wanted him. I always wanted a son. But I have to make sure I don’t hurt anyone. It’s getting worse. I’m surprised I lasted this long talking to you, Jolie. It just comes and goes in waves. And the waves are going to get bigger and worse. But I’ll be okay. I’ll be somewhere safe. I’ll die a little bit more each day. But for you two… I hope it becomes what it was supposed to be all along.”
Mess Us Up (Brooks Crest Book 3) Page 19