by Lucy Knott
‘Thank you, it felt good to talk about him, you know? Wait.’ Sabrina paused and tilted her head in confusion. ‘Did you understand it?’ she asked, remembering they had spoken in Italian and Dan did not speak Italian.
‘I understood bits. Amanda sometimes forgets when she’s speaking in Italian, so I’ve learnt the odd word over the years,’ he said, his voice catching a little when he mentioned Amanda, then he smiled shyly. This was not the alpha male Dan Sabrina was used to being around. He seemed vulnerable, like he had let his guard down.
‘Have you seen Amanda yet?’ Sabrina asked, placing a hand on his arm. Levi handed her a tissue, which she gratefully took with her free hand.
‘Not yet, we didn’t want to interrupt anything. We got here just as it started,’ Dan replied, clearing his throat and adjusting his suit jacket. ‘How’s she doing?’ he added. His raspy voice sounded strained, like he couldn’t bear the thought of his best friend in pain.
‘It’s been a rough day,’ Sabrina said. ‘But I’m sure seeing you will lift her spirits.’ She patted his arm. Without warning the church bells chimed again, signalling the procession to the cemetery was about to start. Levi caught Sabrina’s eye and he reached out to squeeze her hand. She leant in and gave him another quick hug, thankful to have his support both mentally and physically as the coffin came into view.
‘I’m going to go find my family, OK?’ she said, her voice a whisper.
‘OK, sure. We won’t be far behind,’ Levi replied, his hand lingering on hers for longer than was professional.
Sabrina nodded gratefully before running off to find her family. Her heart suddenly felt lighter and though she had things to say to Levi, she couldn’t shake her surprise at the fact that he was here. She hadn’t even realized she needed him here but seeing his face had caused her whole being to relax. A calm had washed over her.
She only felt slightly guilty about the band’s schedule and the fact that she was being a terrible manager, not shouting at them both and asking why on earth they weren’t keeping to it. In seeing Levi, that had all gone out the window. There were more important things in life.
Chapter 12
Nanna and Grandpa’s Lemon and Marsala Cheesecake/Tart
Ingredients:
For the filling:
2 x 8oz cream cheese
½ cup sugar
Rind of 1 lemon
1 tbsp lemon zest
2 tbsps lemon juice
½ tsp vanilla
2 eggs
For the crust:
½ cup of butter
10 digestives (Need to try with amaretti)
¼ cup of Marsala (It’s more like a whole cup, see how you feel.)
What to do:
Crust:
Crush digestives.
Melt butter and add to crushed digestive mix.
Add Marsala and then press crust mixture into greased pie dish.
Chill in fridge while you make your filling.
Pre-heat oven to 180 degrees.
Filling:
Mix your cream cheese, sugar, lemon rind, lemon zest, lemon juice and vanilla till smooth.
Add eggs one at a time and mix after each addition.
Pour into crust and bake for 40 minutes.
Leave to cool and then refrigerate for 3 hours before serving. (Give to family first, as otherwise you and Grandpa will eat the whole thing.)
It took every bit of strength Amanda had left in her to not crumple into a heap on the grass as she watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. Her heart was beating manically in her chest. She was shaking from head to toe, holding on to her sisters as though they were her lifeline. She wanted to scream, run away, stop the coffin and see her grandpa’s face again, all at the same time. Her whole body shook, not knowing quite what to do with itself.
She couldn’t stop the buckets of tears that flooded her face and didn’t know if she would ever be able to. The tissues in her hand were sopping wet and were no longer very useful to stop her runny nose. Once the coffin lay in its final resting place and the priest had said his blessing, Amanda watched as one by one Nanna, Mum, Dad and each one of her aunties threw a rose into the open earth.
When it was her turn she clung on to Louisa and stepped forward, kissing the beautiful flower before throwing it into the air. Some time passed before Amanda noticed the people start to move around her. Some were chatting to one another; others were making their way past the marble plaques, taking a moment to look at the picture and read the engravings about who lay behind it.
Mum and Nanna made their way over to the girls to inform them they were going to head back to the house. Amanda gave them both a huge hug and told them she’d catch up with them shortly. She listened as a few more people blessed and kissed the air, waving their hands to say their goodbyes as the formalities ended. Amanda was stood still, rooted to the spot, just staring at the ground where her grandpa now lay. Her sisters hadn’t left her side.
‘Well, Grandpa, you’re finally home,’ she whispered. She could taste the salty tears that pooled on her Cupid’s bow and tried to dab them away with her dishevelled tissue.
‘We love you,’ Sabrina choked out, not having much luck with her own tissue either, Amanda noted.
‘We’ll talk to you every day,’ Louisa mumbled, wiping her nose on her cardigan.
Amanda turned to her sisters and pulled them both into a group hug. ‘I love you both so much,’ she said.
‘Love you too,’ they replied in unison.
‘Now let’s go and drink all the Limoncello and make Grandpa proud,’ Sabrina said clearing her throat. Giving up on her tissue she wiped away her tears on the sleeves of the black jumper dress Amanda had lent her.
‘Sounds good,’ Louisa replied, trying with all her might to muster a little laugh.
‘You guys go ahead. I’ll just be a minute,’ Amanda said. She needed a little more time before she could walk away from her grandpa.
She watched as her sisters walked up the stone steps and receded into the distance, then she closed her eyes and began counting to ten in her head, in an attempt to steady her breathing. As she reached number eight, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She closed her eyes tighter, concentrating hard on the warmth that surged through her body at his touch. She felt it down to her very core.
Suddenly, every emotion for him, for her grandpa, the stress of work, of trying to bury her feelings, came barrelling out. She turned around to face him and he grabbed her and pulled her in to him tightly. Dan cupped her head with one hand and hugged her waist with the other. Tears were falling down his face too. She could feel them melt into hers as she buried her face into his solid, comforting chest.
‘I’m so sorry, baby girl, I’m so sorry,’ Dan whispered, his raspy voice barely audible through his own sobs. They remained in each other’s embrace for some time, until Amanda took a shuddery deep breath and stepped back to look at him. His brown eyes were rich and wet, his cheeks blushed red and his jaw tense. As he met her gaze his jaw softened, and his full lips parted as he leant in to kiss her forehead.
With Dan she could let her guard down and be vulnerable and she knew that was the case with him too. He didn’t act tough or claim to be tough but there was undeniable masculinity about him mixed with that poetic softness. Deep down she knew he would somehow be here, though she had tried not to think about it too much, knowing how rough his work schedule could be; but she had needed him, and he took his job as her best friend seriously and had never let her down.
At his touch, she realized that no matter her feelings towards Dan and whether he felt the same, he was always going to be her friend. At that moment, she felt grateful that Dan knew her well enough to not listen to her, when she had told him not to come. He knew her better than that. She didn’t think she could push him away if she tried or at least she hoped that would always be the case.
She looked up at him. The golden light of the sun highlighted his perfect cheekbones and lit up his dee
p brown eyes; then she rested her head against his chest once more, not ready to move on just yet.
It was three years ago on her dream trip to San Francisco that Dan had entered her life. She had walked into the first coffee shop that had taken her fancy and been blindsided by the voice that had the small crowd engaged. The words he sang reached the very depths of her soul. When he had stopped singing it allowed her brain to function once more and she had got chatting to the stunning girl behind the counter. Within minutes they built up a great rapport. Her new friend, Nikki, informed her that the voice belonged to Dan.
***
‘By the sounds of it I think I’m going to want one of what she’s got.’ The raspy voice made Amanda’s insides flutter. She looked up to be greeted by the most soulful deep brown eyes she had ever seen. Time froze for a moment. Amanda searched his face. She felt as though she knew him, like she had seen him before.
‘Coming right up, Dan,’ Nikki said, causing Amanda to snap out of her trance and get back to her hot chocolate. She couldn’t help noticing Dan’s lips curve into a slight smile, his eyes still trained on her. ‘Oh, and, Amanda, this is the famous Dan. Dan, this is Amanda,’ Nikki added.
Amanda squinted carefully over her giant mug of heaven and took him in. He was incredibly well built, muscular yet somehow managing to pull off dark skinny jeans. How his legs fit in them she wasn’t quite sure. His shaggy brown hair was wavy, with a few tight curls here and there. He looked like he had walked straight off a movie set.
She looked to his face again, thoughtfully, intrigued by those eyes, eyes that were still looking at her. She looked away. He too seemed to be taking her in, figuring her out. Did he feel the same way she did? Had they met before? Nikki came back and placed a steaming mug of her delicious hot chocolate in front of him, putting paid to Amanda’s thoughts.
‘I have to warn you; this stuff is addictive,’ Amanda said, taking another sip, her eyes peering over her mug, still watching Dan carefully. She chuckled inwardly. Not all tall, handsome, muscular men could pull off holding a giant mug of chocolate with a generous amount of whipped cream on top. Then again, she didn’t think it was possible for Dan not to look cool and she had known him less than five minutes.
‘What would you recommend eating?’ Amanda asked Nikki, taking her attention away from Dan, whom she felt somewhat in awe of.
‘I’m so glad you like the drink. Now let me see.’ Nikki clapped her hands together and looked Amanda up and down. ‘Hmmm…’
‘One of your lemon tarts with fresh cream,’ Dan said nonchalantly taking another sip of his hot chocolate before standing up.
‘Lemon is my favourite,’ Amanda said, with a big smile and a curious look at Dan. Dan simply smiled back, a smile that greeted Amanda with so much warmth and a sense of this is where she was meant to be. Could smiles do that? Could they really tell you this is where you were meant to be?
‘You were right; this stuff is ridiculous,’ Dan said, turning to face Amanda and holding the mug up, almost like a casual cheer. Then he turned back to Nikki. ‘You’re an angel, Nikki,’ he added with a wink before walking back to his guitar. Amanda watched him as he carefully sat down, placed his hot chocolate on a small coffee table and picked up his acoustic Taylor.
***
While the memory played out in her mind, Amanda felt her light sobs begin to slow down. She straightened Dan’s tie and lifted her head to greet him properly.
‘Hi, baby girl,’ he said softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes.
‘Hey,’ she replied. ‘You came,’ she added, attempting to dry her eyes with her soggy tissue and chuckling to herself as she did so. ‘You really came.’
Dan handed her a handkerchief from his pocket. ‘I told you I would. I’m so sorry, baby girl,’ he said, running a hand through his Pantene-advert-worthy locks. Amanda considered him for a moment before taking a deep breath.
‘I know, me too,’ she replied, taking his hand in hers. ‘Come on, I’ll show you round,’ she said to Dan. ‘I’ll be back soon,’ she whispered to Grandpa’s final resting place. Turning on her heels she began walking slowly through the cemetery. She stopped every few steps to point out a family member or to show Dan where, in the summertime, the multicoloured flowers would grow. Now though, the beds were home to many a green bud and a buddle of green leaves waiting to bring life to the spot. The cemetery was empty now. Everyone had gone back to her aunties’ house for food, but Amanda was in no rush.
For a while they walked around in a comfortable silence taking in their surroundings.
‘It’s even more breathtaking than you described it to be,’ Dan said, his all too familiar low voice wrapping her in a blanket of comfort. She stopped at a short stone wall that looked out across the cemetery. The cemetery itself was a thing of beauty: white marble headstones, whitewashed walls, fresh flowers of every colour as far as the eyes could see, crisp bright green grass dusted with snow, and if you looked beyond all this, you saw the sea. The clear blue water glistened under the sun. It looked to be something out of a fairy tale.
Amanda looked at Dan out of the corner of her eye and smiled. ‘Would you like to see where Nanna grew up and where I spent my summers as a child?’ she asked.
‘I would love to,’ Dan replied, smiling back. Before he could turn away, Amanda threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight.
***
As she walked back through the tiny village, after the funeral, after the cemetery and now with Dan by her side, it felt like Amanda’s eyes had opened to the winter wonderland around her. Twinkling lights shone from every window. The grand nativity scenes that Nanna had told her about took pride of place in shop fronts. They were exactly how Nanna had described, each magnificent, each unique. The detail, the craftsmanship, you could get lost looking at them, almost like if you stared at them long enough they would come to life.
‘Dan, look at this one,’ Amanda squealed with glee. ‘It’s a little baker man with a pizza.’
‘Wow and look at this one. They’re amazing,’ Dan said, pointing at a man sitting on a chair, his eyes closed and strumming his guitar, completely lost in the music.
‘That one’s unreal, Dan. You can feel his emotion while he’s playing,’ Amanda said, her eyes following Dan’s finger that was pointing at the wooden music man. ‘I thought Orzoro was paradise in the summer, when the lemon trees are in full bloom, a sea of yellow everywhere you look, Zia Rosa’s balcony full of blossoming tomatoes and carciofi, but now, now it’s so serene, so peaceful like you’re inside a snow globe that no one has touched, like you have your own piece of heaven on earth.’
‘That sounds pretty spot on to me. You could be a poet,’ Dan said, following Amanda’s gaze as she looked around the village not wanting to miss a thing.
‘I’m a woman of many talents. Are you hungry?’ she asked, with her hands on her hips.
‘You are indeed and aren’t I always?’ he replied. Their easy banter made Amanda’s heart feel lighter than it had done in days.
‘Well, Mr Muscles, you’re in for a treat. I can’t take all the credit as my aunties cooked most of it, but I did make the pizza.’
‘Why are you still talking? Show me the way.’
Amanda laughed at Dan’s response. ‘All right, patience, mister. I certainly created a monster when I introduced you to Grandpa’s pizza. You’re addicted to it,’ she said, and then began walking up the steep steps to her aunties’ house.
‘That’s not what I’m addicted to,’ Dan said softly from behind her, causing her to pause at the top of the steps and turn to look at him. She stared into his chocolate-brown eyes, eyes that could see right into her soul and were filled with so much honesty, they made goose bumps appear on her skin. She rubbed at her forearm, the words Dan had muttered lost on her. In that moment her whole being simply felt elated that he was here with her now. The she cocked her head to one side making Dan laugh as she looked him up and down.
‘Is everything OK, baby girl?
’ he asked, sweetly, standing perfectly still, almost like he was allowing her to go over her thoughts and whatever reason she had for giving him the once-over.
‘Oh yes,’ Amanda said, her quizzical look turning into a soft smirk, ‘it seems to be. I thought by now you might have changed somewhat, grown two heads maybe, but you haven’t changed a bit. Though, we might have to have words about the supermodels. I mean come on, Dan, you could be a little more creative, date an astronaut, a philosopher, a …’
‘… chef?’ Dan finished her sentence, matching her cheeky grin.
Amanda looked at his mischievous face. ‘Ha-ha, very funny. I’m being serious, Dan, don’t tease me, this is serious stuff,’ she stated sarcastically, and continued walking up the steps.
‘Well do excuse me. But if we are getting serious, you do realize that many of those pictures just happen to be me coming out of a building at the same time as a model?’
‘Oh of course, I have that same problem all the time,’ Amanda said, turning back around and meeting Dan’s gaze. A laugh escaped her as Dan stood shaking his head and rolling his eyes. ‘Do any male models ever venture to these places? I might need to come with you next time,’ she asked.
‘Not a chance,’ Dan said, pushing her gently up the stairs in an attempt to leave this conversation behind.
‘Spoilsport,’ Amanda huffed, turning back around, smiling to herself.
‘Speaking of pictures, that was a nice Insta story you shared a few weeks back. I didn’t think you had it in you to show cleavage for likes, buy hey I’m not complaining,’ Dan’s slow confident voice piped up.
Amanda snorted and continued walking, not wanting to give Dan too much satisfaction, though she couldn’t help respond, ‘OK, firstly, since when do you use social media? Secondly, when did you start using social media lingo? Thirdly, you know without a shadow of a doubt I did not do that on purpose. You press one button on your phone and suddenly you’re live to the world. What’s that all about? And, don’t laugh.’ She paused, turning to see Dan’s face crease into a grin. ‘It wasn’t funny. Do you know how hard it is to clean yeast off a phone? I don’t know how these food bloggers do it. My phone needs a better insurance plan if I’m going to have it near boiling pans and sticky ingredients.’ Dan shrugged and nodded in mock sympathy. ‘And fourthly, don’t be looking at my cleavage.’