by Lucy Knott
Louisa sat with Luca. They were talking with their mum and dad at the end of the table. Luca spoke with ease and fitted in seamlessly. Amanda loved the way Louisa’s eyes sparkled as Luca spoke. Her little sister was smitten, and Amanda knew with all her heart that Grandpa was looking down on them all.
‘I’ll grab dessert,’ Amanda announced, standing up from the table. Out of nowhere, she felt a rush of longing and a sense of hopelessness inside her. She made her way to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. She downed the glass and leant on the sink, giving herself a minute to compose herself. Then she collected a tray of zeppole and a tub of custard from the kitchen island and rounded the doorway, bumping right into Dan and hitting her head on his chin. ‘Ouch,’ she exclaimed, unable to rub the sore spot with having her hands full of dessert.
‘Are you OK?’ Dan asked reaching up and touching her cheek.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she replied, moving backwards and placing the custard back on the island so she could rub her forehead. ‘Do you need something?’ she asked. Her voice sounded irritated. She hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, but the butterflies were back and she didn’t care for them. Seeing Louisa all loved up with Luca and Sabrina all cosy with Levi made her beyond glad for her sisters, but it had caused an ache in her own heart, one that seemed to get worse when Dan gave her one of his all-encompassing looks.
‘Who’s Luca?’ he said, with a slight frown.
‘He’s basically Thor, with an Italian accent and dark, shorter hair. Why do you ask?’ she said, her voice coming out a little testy. She leant back on the island to steady herself, the bump on the head, combined with the butterflies, making her feel slightly dizzy.
‘Because I care about Louisa and you hadn’t mentioned she had a boyfriend. In fact, you haven’t been telling me much at all lately.’ It seemed Dan had noticed her lack of availability. Besides the phone calls since Grandpa had passed, she hadn’t been calling him or answering his calls as often over the past few months. The two of them stared intensely at each other, both a little agitated all of a sudden. Amanda knew where to place the blame for her frustration: it was standing right in front of her. Dan on the other hand rarely got vexed. What on earth could be bothering him? He didn’t have the right to be cross. She was the one dealing with a swarm of butterflies in her stomach.
She had to be careful – one soulful look from Dan and every secret she harboured would come floating out, and damn it if her feelings weren’t confusing the heck out of her right now. She simply stared back at him, not trusting herself to speak. Dan continued, his voice back to calm and raspy. He didn’t stay vexed for long. Well that’s good, Amanda thought. You don’t deserve to be irked – you have nothing to be irked about. She squinted her eyes, giving him a slightly evil glance as she took in his sweetness. ‘Look, I know you’re going through a lot right now, Amanda, but if I’m not mistaken I felt you could always talk to me, about anything.’
‘I do talk to you, Dan. I talk to you all the time and even if I don’t talk to you, you somehow know what I’m thinking,’ she said, in a voice that made her sound like a spoiled three-year-old.
‘Well, you seem to have me stumped this time, Amanda. What’s wrong?’ Dan said, stepping forward and leaning against the island close to her. Louisa had been right: he did resemble Harry Styles. Dammit, that did nothing to help her feelings right now.
‘Boy trouble, Dan, OK? Just boy trouble, it’s nothing,’ she said with a sigh, not taking her eyes off his reaction. His dark eyes grew tense, a shadow casting a darkness over his pupils, but his voice remained calm.
‘Who is he?’ he asked, shoving his hands in his cardigan pocket and looking to the door for a brief moment.
Feeling dumbfounded by his blunt response, she couldn’t help the words that came out next. ‘No one, just someone from work. He’s wonderful, sexy, he completes me, so yeah, there’s no trouble really. I’m just being silly. Everything is pretty darn swell and I’m fine,’ she lied. There was another painful silence. Had Dan truly not read her this time? Now, she truly felt stupid. She did not like this childish attitude she was displaying. It wasn’t like Amanda to lie, let alone to Dan. And it certainly wasn’t like Amanda to say daft things to make him jealous. She rolled her eyes at her own awkward behaviour. Dan was not the jealous type, especially when it came to her, and who she dated. Protective, yes. Jealous, no.
‘OK. Well, I guess congratulations are in order. He sounds great,’ Dan said before pausing. His brow arched and his eyes drifted to the floor. A look of confusion crossed his face, which Amanda found intriguing. Dan was a master at concealing his emotions and he rarely dropped his gaze when speaking to her. ‘I’m happy for you,’ he continued, which was then followed by another thoughtful pause. Then he collected himself before bringing his steely gaze back to her. ‘You know, if he doesn’t treat you right and there are any troubles, you need to tell me. If you need me to speak to him or sort him out I will.’
Amanda blinked her eyes hard in frustration, completely thrown off by this whole conversation and the fact that she was not acting like herself at all. Why was she doing this? OK, so she knew why, and she didn’t like it one bit.
‘Oh he treats me just fine. He’s the perfect gentleman, always there for me, always ready with compliments, most definitely marriage material.’ What was she saying? Dan remained calm though his gaze grew more intense and Amanda sensed a hurt in his eyes. Could he tell she was lying? It was a few moments before he spoke again.
‘Well that’s great. How come you never mentioned him before?’ he asked, standing up straight, hands still in his pockets. He towered over her once more, his wavy hair catching the corner of his left eye.
‘A lot has been going on with work, Dan, and family – you know all this. I didn’t think it was important, you know.’ She was lying to him and it didn’t feel good. She could feel her palms beginning to sweat and she prayed she wasn’t about to drop the tray of scrumptious desserts she was still holding in one hand.
‘Yes, OK, of course, it’s not important for you to tell me something like this. That’s fine.’ At this he looked down at the tray of zeppole and brushed a hand through his unruly hair.
‘Can we drop it now, Dan? Now you know and everything is superb,’ she said picking up the jug of custard once more.
‘Amanda, could you do me a favour?’ He leant in close to her ear. She could feel his warm breath on her neck. In that moment she was angry with her body for betraying her as her knees buckled slightly. This really was getting ridiculous.
‘What, Dan?’ she said, aware her voice sounded hard yet out of breath, not at all how she was accustomed to speaking to Dan, on either account.
‘Don’t go getting engaged to this Mr Perfect, marriage material guy without telling me first, OK?’
At the risk of another eye roll and asking Dan why on earth he would ask such a stupid question, when he knew she always told him anything and everything important, except things like this because they were utterly scandalous and completely not true and she had just made it up on the spot. She took a deep breath, resisted the strong urge to stomp her feet and throw the whole tray of zeppole out the window and made her way back into the dining room, quickly. How could he not see what was going on? What was wrong with him? What was wrong with her? She needed a zeppole or five.
***
The room was quilted in darkness, the faint scent of coffee still lingering in the house. Amanda lay in bed staring at the ceiling. She felt ridden with guilt about lying to Dan, but she just didn’t get it. Their emotions, their mind frames, everything had been in sync from day one. She didn’t like having these feelings alone and she couldn’t understand how Dan could be so calm when her insides were squirming.
She willed her brain to switch off so she could get some rest, but instead it decided to play a highlight reel from one of the most perfect days she had shared with Dan when she had been in San Francisco.
***
Every night when she got back to her hotel she would take out her notebook and write about all the flavours, the combinations, the unique dishes she had devoured. She rang her grandpa every other day to run dishes by him and inform him of all the new recipes she was creating. She had her spark back, her ideas and creative juices were flowing, and she owed Nikki the world for letting her experiment in the kitchen at Bruno’s. She didn’t know how she would have coped if she had had nowhere to turn to make these ideas come to life.
‘Ooh they have Red Velvet and Peanut Butter, ooh and Rocky Road. What are you going to get?’ Amanda asked Dan, the words spilling out fast, as they stood in line at The Baked Bear, a newly opened ice-cream sandwich shop. Dan had brought her here, enticing her with talk of ice-cream sandwiches that were so good you would be back for seconds the very same day. He didn’t seem to be lying. The queue rolled out into the street.
Amanda hadn’t needed too much convincing. He had her at the mere mention of chocolate chip cookies. Now, the sweet smell of those freshly baked cookies was tickling Amanda’s taste buds, making it harder for her to be decisive. The corner of Dan’s eyes crinkled, his rosy lips relaxed and slightly parted, a barely there smile permanently played at his lips. He stood with his hands in his jeans pockets and though people glanced his way, his eyes stayed focused on Amanda. His attention never faltered from her. She had a slight flush in her cheeks from the gentle heat and the fact that she felt frazzled at trying to decide on which ice-cream sandwich to get.
‘I tell you what, how about I choose for you? It will be the best ice-cream sandwich you’ve ever had and if you don’t like it, then we’ll just have to keep trying until we find your favourite combination,’ Dan said softly. She looked up into his soulful brown eyes. Her own features softened as she relaxed at the decision being left up to Dan.
‘You sure know the way to a woman’s heart,’ she said, playfully shoving him. ‘What if I say I don’t like it just so I can eat more ice cream and cookies? How much ice cream and cookies do you think you can handle, Dan?’
‘Oh, I know you’ll like it.’ He paused to chuckle and shake his head, then draped an arm over Amanda’s shoulder. ‘But if that’s a challenge, Miss Amanda, bring it on.’
***
Amanda closed her eyes, licked her lips and breathed out a satisfied breath, as she savoured the last bite of her oatmeal and cinnamon cookie sandwich with coffee ice cream inside.
‘So, you liked it then?’ Dan enquired with a cocky smirk. He had already finished his red velvet cookie sandwich with strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Amanda liked his healthy appetite.
‘It was terrible. I think I might need to test another,’ she answered giving him a small wink. She halted suddenly, the view in front of her stopping her in her tracks and she grasped Dan’s arm. They had been walking a while chatting easily about ice-cream flavours and what cookies and ice creams worked best together. She hadn’t realized they had been walking in the direction of the San Francisco Bay. The fog lay low and the Golden Gate Bridge looked positively enchanting in the distance.
‘You’re going to want to save room. I’m not done with you yet,’ Dan said, a butter wouldn’t melt smile spreading across his face. ‘This place is a foodie’s heaven.’ He nodded towards the sign that read ‘Pier 39’. ‘And if it’s the view you love, then I know just the place too.’
Amanda smiled as she linked her arm through Dan’s. As they walked she stole glances at the bay. A few weeks ago, the wind had been knocked out of her sails when Jason broke up with her. She didn’t think she would ever find happiness again. She could never have imagined the feeling she had now, walking side by side with this man she had only met three weeks ago, but whom she felt had been her best friend forever. Her heart felt light as a feather and she had a strong feeling of contentment.
‘Dan, do you think you could ever leave this place?’ she asked, curious.
‘It’s drawing you in, isn’t it?’ he replied, still focused on walking ahead.
‘It just has so much about it, I couldn’t ever imagine wanting to leave.’
‘I’m glad you feel that way and that you appreciate the beauty and culture we have to offer. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, it’s home, but I’d like to see the world. I hope that I get to travel more with the band and you never know, maybe I’ll like someplace else better or just want to experience living somewhere new. You never know what the future may hold. Emily may want to move; work might take us to different places. Sure, I’d miss this place, but I’m open to adventure and the idea of home being somewhere else. I think it’s invaluable to experience other cultures and it interests me. Are you planning on moving here then?’
He had stopped walking now and turned to look at Amanda, his eyes sparkling with hope. Did he want her to stay? Amanda had fallen head over heels for the Bay and the people she had met here, in such a short amount of time. She didn’t believe they could possibly feel that way about her. She was probably one of many quirky wide-eyed travellers that crossed their paths every day.
Amanda laughed as she looked up at him, trying to suss out whether he could feel their connection too. The sun was making her squint slightly but through the gaps in her fingers as she raised her hand to avoid the blinding rays. That same feeling she had when she’d walked into Bruno’s for the first time hit her. Dan’s eyes were intense, like he understood everything about her just by looking at her. His voice spoke to every part of her being and she knew he felt it too. She giggled to herself as her brain computed this new information.
‘What’s so funny?’ Dan asked, though he was grinning too.
‘Oh nothing,’ she responded as they walked towards Luigi’s Pizzeria. ‘I’ve travelled quite a bit over the years perfecting my craft and I’ve lived away from home before, but home to me is always when I get to see my nanna and grandpa morning, noon and night and when I can have my mum over for a cuppa. So, I don’t think I could ever really live anywhere too far away. This place is everything and more. I will be back, but my sisters and I have a pact that one day we will all live on the same road as each other. That might sound crazy to you I know, but I’d be lost without them. Sabrina just moved to LA and I worry constantly – I don’t know how my parents do it.
‘When I lived in London for work my parents could visit and Louisa and Sabrina liked to come up and stay with me on the weekends, so I got to see them in one piece each week and knew they were OK. With the time difference and her work schedule it’s harder to keep track of Brina and I hate not being there for her if she needs anything.’ Amanda stopped talking, suddenly aware that she had started to ramble. Her worries were spilling out of her as she found Dan so easy to talk to.
‘You know I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, I think it’s awesome that you and your family are so close. Family bonds are special ones and it’s a beautiful thing that you appreciate it and what you have with them. But you know I also think it’s great and so important that you are travelling and seeing the world on your own. It allows you to find yourself outside of your comfort zone.
‘Are you always right?’ Amanda laughed, happiness flooding her once more, as she gently nudged Dan.
‘Not always. After you,’ he said as he opened the door to Luigi’s Pizzeria.
‘Thanks. Oh, my goodness, it smells amazing in here,’ Amanda said taking a deep breath in, the aroma of fresh dough filling her senses with gratitude.
‘I thought you’d like it. Now what did I say to make you giggle before? You are aware, Miss Amanda, that you actually giggled?’ Dan raised his eyebrows as he led her to a cosy bo
oth by the window that looked out across the magnificent San Francisco Bay.
‘I didn’t giggle. And it was nothing.’ Amanda looked him up and down, his dark eyes staring deep into her, exposing her white lie. ‘Uh, it’s just I never believed in soulmates before,’ she started, reluctantly, with a roll of her eyes, ‘but San Francisco has been calling to me for the longest time and now that I’m here I feel it was meant to be, like I was meant to find you.’ As she said this she felt heat rise to her cheeks. It sounded silly saying it out loud and Dan sure was taking a long time to answer back.
Feeling foolish she picked up a menu and gave it her full attention, hoping he didn’t think she was a crazy person. After what felt like forever, Dan spoke.
‘I know exactly what you mean,’ he said, dazzling her with a soft smile as he picked up his own menu.
***
‘OK, I don’t think I have ever been this stuffed and that’s saying something if you know my nonni,’ Amanda said, leaning back and rubbing her stomach. After demolishing a medium size Fisherman’s Wharf Pizza from Luigi’s Pizza at lunch, they had stopped by Crepe Café and walked and talked while nibbling on the silkiest, lightest, melt-in-your-mouth s’mores crepe Amanda had ever tasted.
Dan had been a fantastic tour guide pointing out famous places along the harbour and filling her in on interesting facts about Pier 39. They ducked in and out of the gift shops, Amanda favouring The Fudgery and Chocolate Heaven the most. She made a mental note to nip back and pick up some treats to take back to her family in a few days, though she would have to resist the urge to buy one of everything in both places. Everything had smelt and looked divine.
‘You can’t possibly be full.’ Dan laughed, as he patted his own stomach. ‘I have one more place to take you, if you’re feeling up for it?’ Dan challenged, his eyebrows raised.
‘I see you’re dishing out the challenges now. Well, I can always just look and save the eating for another day,’ Amanda said, knowing full well that never worked. She had never been able to say no to food.