They walked miles through cold, wet leaves, weaving in between trees, doubling back over and over, so that the area they actually covered was just a small section of the woods.
“If he’s here, we’ll find him,” one of the search and rescue guys had told her. “These dogs can find a black cat in a coal cellar.”
It didn’t make her feel any better.
As long as she could focus on the search, putting one step in front of the other, actually doing something that might help, Anna could hold it together. Even though the pace was quick, she kept up with them as they trampled through leaves and over fallen tree limbs. A vicious determination drove her body to its limit. There was no time to be tired. No time to fall apart.
And then what she had been waiting for happened. The dog stopped. With his nose pointed toward the treetops, sniffing voraciously, he let out a bark.
“Looks like he’s got something,” the team leader called out.
The dog was off. Anna thought they’d been moving fast before, but now she had to practically run to keep up.
After only a few minutes, the dog halted suddenly. He pawed at the bark of a tree, all the while letting out a shrill whine.
“Looks like we’ve got some blood on the bark here.”
Had he just said blood? Anna stumbled backward but caught herself against a nearby tree. Its bark left a small gash in the palm of her hand. She left her own mark on its trunk—a smear of deep red.
There was no time to think, to process what the blood meant. The dog set off again, racing through the woods on a mission. The group followed, and soon they’d broken through the trees and were standing a few feet away from the lake.
The sky was pink. Day was breaking, but she couldn’t have known from deep inside the woods.
The dog whined again with his nose buried in something she couldn’t quite make out.
Please don’t let it be Caleb’s body. The prayer looped through her mind as she pushed her way through the human wall that had formed around the dog. There wasn’t a part of her that was spared of the trembling.
But it wasn’t Caleb’s body that the dog had found. It was his sketchpad. The leader of the team squatted down next to it and was reading.
And then he whispered, but she heard. “Hey, Paul, take the girl back to the house.”
“What! What is it?” The man said nothing. Had he heard her? Or was she too weak to get the words out? Was her voice just in her head?
She gathered all the strength she had left and forced her voice out of her throat. “Tell me!”
But he didn’t have to say anything. The dog told her what she needed to know, what she had been terrified of knowing. He was as close to the lake as he could get without the water lapping his paws. He barked not into the air, but straight at the lake.
Then another whisper, this time to a different man. “Call in the divers.”
Her breath left her. It didn’t come back in. Her legs cracked at the knee.
She was falling backward.
So slowly.
Finally she slammed against the ground.
I’m never getting back up again.
Epilogue
Anna pressed her hands against the glass and stared down into the parking lot. A car stopped at the yellow-and-black-striped gate. An anonymous arm reached out and fed the metal box a paper ticket. The gate flipped up and then back down once the car had made its way through it. She liked watching the cars pass through the gate, the people walking to and from the building, the two attendants in their white scrubs smoking cigarettes underneath the clear canopy. The scene was comforting. It was normal. It was life going on.
The click of the doorknob made her turn around.
“Anna, it’s so good to see you,” Dr. Blackwell said warmly as he walked toward her with his arm already extended, anxious for a handshake. She met him in the middle of the office. He squeezed her hand tenderly and placed his other hand over hers. “Please, come sit down.” Anna made her way to the couch and fell into the leather, taking a deep breath and inhaling its aroma.
“How are you?”
“I’m well, thanks.”
“It’s good to see you in person. I can see you weren’t lying when you promised me your first semester of college had treated you well.”
“Yeah, it’s been—it’s been a good thing.”
“I have to admit,” Dr. Blackwell began as he rubbed the lenses of his glasses with a handkerchief. “It can be difficult to judge how a patient is doing, really doing, from therapy sessions over the phone. But now that I see you—well, I just know that it really has agreed with you.”
“Thank you.”
“So you flew in this morning?” He slid his glasses back onto his face, balancing them on the tip of his nose.
“Yeah. I’ve got a lot more traveling ahead of me before the day is done.”
“And you’re driving up to the cabin today?” The worry was creeping into his voice.
“That’s my plan.”
“I know we’ve talked about this, but I just want to make sure you’re ready for it. I want to reiterate that I’m concerned it’s too soon. And to be—to be by yourself and so isolated.”
She cleared her throat, as if to announce that what she was to say next should be listened to carefully. “Like I said before, I feel comfortable there. It’s my home when I’m not away at school. I’m going to finish up my book while I’m there. It’s the perfect place for it.”
“I’m glad to hear about how well that’s going. That’s great. You’ve overcome a lot. I think your book is going to help a lot of kids.”
“I hope so. As hard as it’s been to relive all that stuff—all the abuse and the depression and the panic attacks—I just really hope it does some good.”
“You’re showing a lot of struggling kids out there that it’s not hopeless. They can live through it and it gets better. You’re proof of that.
“Thanks to you.” And Caleb.
“And, just to be clear, no contact with your parents today? They don’t know you’re back?”
“No.” She had grown strong, but to call them, she needed to be stronger. There would be time, later, if she ever chose it.
“You’ve really made a great deal of progress working through those issues over the last few months. I think you’ve made a wise decision, at least for right now. When you’re ready, we can work on preparing you for a reunion, a relationship, if that’s what you choose in the future. There’s still much work to be done.”
“I agree,” she said, propping a throw pillow behind her back so she wouldn’t have to slouch. “I want to keep up with my treatment over the summer. It’s helped me a lot.”
He didn’t respond. It was unlike him to allow such long pauses during their exchanges.
“Anna, I have to be honest with you. I really didn’t expect you to be handling all of this so well. Financially, I know Caleb…” He grew uncomfortable as he said the name, while Anna felt her heart skip a beat. “He made sure you’d be taken care of, but emotionally, I really didn’t know how you’d fare through all of it. But seeing you sitting here in front of me…you really have changed.”
She had tried to be honest with Dr. Blackwell since it happened, realized that she’d needed his help and accepted it. But she hadn’t told him everything. Her hand instinctively moved over to her hip, covering the pocket where, every day, she would tuck Caleb’s carefully folded note.
Dr. Blackwell knew about the note, but he didn’t know that it was the only thing that kept her whole, made it bearable, made everything as close to okay as it could ever be. She kept it close to her, like a nun would her rosary beads, and read it at least once a day without restraint, letting herself get lost in the words.
“Yeah, well, I guess time really does heal.” She couldn’t let Dr. Blackwell in, not all the way. Protecting what she and Caleb were to each other was the only thing that mattered.
At the end of the session, she set up her next app
ointment, this one over the phone, and thanked Dr. Blackwell for seeing her. As she moved toward the door, a sheet of paper bursting with color caught her eye. She took a step forward and saw that shoved into the corner of the desk, among the stacks of papers and piles of manila folders, was a drawing. It was Caleb’s portrait of Dr. Blackwell.
“Caleb—he drew that for me. It’s extraordinary.”
She smiled but said nothing and walked out through the door, past the bright red exit sign hanging over the stairwell, and straight toward the elevators. She reached the metal doors and stared at the white square button on the wall, a downward-pointing arrow painted next to it. Moisture formed on her palms. Her hand reached down into the front pocket of her jeans, pulled out the paper, and carefully unfolded it. Her fingers touched the words, passing over them as she imagined his voice in her head, reading them to her.
Anna,
I’m sorry. I didn’t have the right to choose. I would have given it all up, every cent, the cabin, my art, anything, to just be able to choose to stay. But they wouldn’t let me.
You know, the Greeks had this idea that people were created with these double bodies, like two people fused together. They tried to defeat the gods, so to punish them, Zeus tore them apart. They spent the rest of their lives searching for their other half, so they could feel whole again. I know that I found my other half with you. I know that part of me is going to be empty again for just a little while, but then I can have you back.
I’m going to try to be patient, and you try too. If we can just wait it out, we’ll be together again, and this time it will be forever. In the meantime I’ll be with you. I’ll try to remind you of me while we’re apart. The only thing I can’t bear to think about is that you might forget. But I’ll still be waiting for you, no matter what. I love you. Remember that. It’s still the only thing you need to know about me.
Caleb
He’d been right. There were signs all around her ever since he’d left, signs that proved he was still with her, watching her. She’d be driving his car and thinking about eating wild blueberries with him by the lake, and suddenly one of his favorite songs would come on the radio. Or she’d be reading a book, letting her mind wander and sweep over what he looked like in the morning before he’d had a chance to shave, and unexpectedly her eyes would catch the word heaven at the bottom of the page. She was sure he was there. The pain wasn’t all that excruciating when she remembered that he was there.
She folded the note again, carefully smoothing out the creases and tucking it back into her pocket. With a steady hand, she pressed the square button. The elevator arrived and the metal doors slid open. The panic hadn’t disappeared completely. Its weight still pressed down on her as she moved inside and waited for the doors to shut her in. But now, she knew she could bear it.
She had the strength.
And she had Caleb.
Acknowledgments
This book was three years in the making, and I’m forever grateful to all the people who helped me along the way.
Thank you to my agent, Nicole LaBombard, for your enthusiasm about my writing and all the hard work you put in on my behalf.
To my editor, Rhiannon Morgan—thank you for remembering Anna and Caleb, for seeking me out, and for making my dream of becoming a published author come true. “A good editor doesn’t rewrite words, she rewires synapses,” and that’s what you did for me. Today I am a better writer because of you.
An enormous thanks goes out to all my beta readers: Shana Berge, Stephanie Bunt, Chris Bunt, Lauren Fischer, Ryan Kroft, Vanessa Larkins, Marge Rehark, Pam Simek, Tiffany Simek, and Eugene Towbin.
Thanks also to all those in my life who supported me from the get-go: Brett Stern, Noah Stern (contract-reader extraordinaire), Richard Towbin, Emily and Michael Levenson, Charlotte and Alan Zeller, and Adam Zeller.
Thank you to Dr. Brendan T. Carroll for taking the time to answer all my questions about catatonia and, amazingly enough, diagnose Caleb for me.
Janet Towbin—if you hadn’t nudged me out of the nest, so to speak, this book would never have happened. You’ve been an amazing editor, a welcome writer’s block unblocker, and one of my biggest cheerleaders. A million thanks for everything.
To Ross and Philip—you are my greatest pieces of work by far. I’ll eat you up, I love you so.
To Alex Towbin—you never doubted me for a second, even when I doubted myself. Thank you for putting my book before video games, helping me carve out time to write, offering relentless support, and showing me what true, together-forever, feel-it-in-your-bones love is.
~ About the Author ~
Meredith Towbin grew up in Massachusetts and graduated with a degree in English from Wellesley College. She’s worked as a high school English teacher, a freelance writer, and a magazine editor. She lives in Ohio with her family.
Find out more about Meredith Towbin here:
http://www.meredithtowbin.com
On Facebook: Meredith Towbin
On Twitter: @mtprose
More Young Adult Fiction from Etopia Press
New Pride
Laura Diamond
New town, new love, new terror…
Kicked out by his alpha father for nearly exposing their secret, seventeen-year-old Richard Leone is a shape-shifter without a pride. Alone, homeless, and hungry, he forms a tenuous friendship with Derek, a power-hungry shifter from an unstable rogue pride. It’s either that, or starve. Until they encounter a gorgeous brunette, Molly, partying with friends around a campfire. Richard immediately feels a connection with her, and something about her calls to him. Almost as if she was supposed to be his mate.
But when Molly is kidnapped, Richard must take on the entire rogue pride to save her and keep his human town safe from harm. Derek offers him a deal: he’ll help Richard take on the pride to rescue Molly, but only to secure his place as alpha. And once that happens, the humans could be in even more danger…
Buy New Pride here
http://www.amazon.com/New-Pride-Shifting-ebook/dp/B009ZN1WYQ/
Phase
E. C. Newman
Sophie Todd hoped that her senior year would be different. Unfortunately, different seems to mean getting punched in the face for sticking up for the new girl, having her offer of friendship spurned by said new girl, and finally gaining the attention of her long-time crush, Ezra Varden, but for all the wrong reasons.
It’s a tenuous friendship at best, but as Juliet starts to open up to Sophie, they both realize that the Vardens, Juliet’s foster family, is not your average family. They’re extremely close-knit—freakishly so—but they welcomed a complete stranger into their home, which just so happens to have the largest meat freezer anyone’s ever seen…
…and certainly no one said anything about Ezra and the wolves.
Buy Phase here
http://www.amazon.com/Phase-Trilogy-ebook/dp/B008HQHSLI/
Drive Back the Darkness
Amy M. Newman
A kingdom shrouded in darkness. One girl who can save it all.
On her sixteenth birthday, Ellie Lyons discovers her entire life has been a lie. Kidnapped, she finds herself in a strange kingdom—Alladon—a kingdom she was born to rule, ruled already by those who would see her dead. The children have been imprisoned, caged and awaiting a fate Ellie can only imagine, and only she can save them. But to do so, she must master the skills of a warrior and learn to contain the magic that roars through her veins and burns everything she touches.
But when Morfan, the king’s advisor, sends an assassin to kill her, Ellie finds herself falling for the dark, dangerous Devin. Though she knows her life is at stake, but she can’t seem to stay away from him, even as her feelings become strong enough to scare her, and strong enough to disturb Vance, Devin’s second. Vance is the opposite of Devin—blonde, charming, seductive. But his heart holds a kernel of something darker, something that makes him dangerously unstable, especially once he realizes he has feelings for Ellie that Ellie doe
sn’t share…
Buy Drive Back the Darkness here
http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Back-the-Darkness-ebook/dp/B009AJR3UC/
The Waiting Booth
Brinda Berry
Whispering Woods Book One
A missing boy, government agents, an interdimensional portal...
Mia has one goal for her senior year at Whispering Woods High—find her missing older brother. But when her science project reveals a portal into another dimension, she learns that travelers are moving in and out of her woods in the most alarming way and government agents Regulus and Arizona are policing their immigration. Mia’s drawn to the mysterious, aloof Regulus, but it’s no time for a crush. She needs to find out what they know about her brother, while the agents fight to save the world from viral contamination. But when Regulus reveals that he knows Mia’s secrets, she begins to wonder if there’s more going on than she thought...and if she was wrong to trust him...
Buy The Waiting Booth here
http://www.amazon.com/Waiting-Booth-Whispering-Woods-ebook/dp/B005D7F7US/
Whisper of Memory
Brinda Berry
Whispering Woods Book Two
Weapons training and winter formals...a deadly combination.
All Mia ever wanted was to fit in at Whispering Woods High. But being a portal-finder who dates a guy from another dimension sort of makes it hard. Mia's brother disappeared over a year ago, and agents from the IIA began policing people's movements through dimensions. She'd trusted Dr. Bleeker from the local university when he'd told her the IIA were the bad guys. But even a girl with an extraordinary ability to sense things can make mistakes.
Straightjacket Page 23