Then paced their bedroom.
Back before everything went to hell, he hadn’t given much thought to getting married. It’d always been some vague thought in the background, something to consider later. Part of that was because he’d still more or less been in the closet when the pandemic hit. But another part was that he hadn’t met anyone who made him even remotely consider it.
Mark had turned that on its head. Duncan had fallen hard for Mark—his quirks, his pale, freckled face, his need to help. He’d even fallen in love with the slightly grumpy way Mark woke up in the mornings.
So he wanted it, badly. He wanted to show Mark he wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted to help ease at least a few of those fears.
He was so lost in his panic, he didn’t even see the door open. It was only when he spun around to head back the other direction and spotted Mark leaning against the doorjamb of their bedroom that he realized he wasn’t alone.
“I knew something was up. You’re not pregnant too, are you?”
Duncan stared at him blankly for a moment, then started laughing. “Uh, no, don’t think that’s medically possible.”
“Well, if it is, I’ve never heard of it.” Mark crossed the few feet to him.
Duncan studied Mark’s face in the light of the camp lantern he had burning on the dresser next to them. Nothing but good humor and a bit of worry showed on Mark’s face and in his blue eyes. Duncan swallowed. “Hey, uh, I was wondering if you might want to take a walk down to the water’s edge with me?”
Mark raised an eyebrow but nodded. “Sure. Are… you okay?”
The weak smile probably showed too much, but Duncan couldn’t muster anything more steady. “Yeah. Well, I’m not sick or anything.” He turned the lantern off, then took Mark’s hand and led him out of the room.
They didn’t speak as they wandered the short distance down the hill to the edge of the lake. Duncan loved it there—loved the water, the forest around them, loved everything about the place. But most of all, he loved the man he shared it with.
Taking a deep breath, he pulled the rings out of his pocket and turned to Mark. “I know you’re still worried that one of these days I won’t come back.” He cleared his throat, unable to look up at Mark just yet. “Some of that, we both know, is out of my control, but as I’ve been saying for the last nine months, I am as determined to always come back, to stay, as I’ve been since I promised you back then.”
He looked up to see Mark pensive, slightly frowning with fear in his blue eyes. Duncan lifted his empty hand and brushed his thumb over one pale cheek.
“I love you. I will always love you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I want to show you that in a way I haven’t before.” With another deep breath, he eased down onto one knee—careful of the ankle that had never completely healed—and opened his hand, holding it up toward Mark. He looked up and smiled. “Marry me, Mark?”
Mark blinked at him, mouth falling open in obvious shock. “You… you want to marry me?”
Duncan nodded, glancing down at the rings. “I want to show you I’m not going anywhere. That I’m even more committed to being with you.”
Mark swallowed so hard, his Adam’s apple bobbed. His hands fisted at his sides as he stared at the rings. “I… I don’t know what to say,” he murmured.
Duncan’s heart pounded as the fear he thought he’d managed to bury resurfaced. He lowered his hand and stared down at the rings, his stomach twisting. Did Mark not love him like he’d thought? He swallowed and found himself fighting tears. “Oh. Uh, well, okay, then. Never mind.” He stood and turned away, but Mark caught his arm.
“Duncan, I… wait.”
Taking a deep breath, Duncan glanced back at Mark but couldn’t look at his face. “It’s okay, Mark. Really, forget it.”
Before he could make more of a fool of himself, he hurried back to the house.
MARK WATCHED him go, his heart pounding and his mind a mess. What had just happened? Had Duncan really just proposed to him?
He’d never considered something like that, especially not in the world they now lived in.
And why did he hesitate?
But he knew the answer to all three questions. Particularly the third, and he didn’t like what he came up with.
He turned to the lake and stared unseeingly across the water through the twilight. How much more would it hurt if Duncan walked away after they got married? The thought of him leaving now, without having made vows, was enough to make Mark shrivel up inside. But if they made vows with witnesses, in front of a preacher—even if they didn’t believe in a god anymore—it’d be so much worse.
At the same time, the look on Duncan’s face, the pain he’d caused, stole his breath and made him feel like a class A asshole. It’d clearly taken a lot for Duncan to ask. In any other time, back before the pandemic, he might not have hesitated quite so much.
Are you sure about that?
Mark frowned. If he was sure, if he wouldn’t have, then why now?
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Bryan asked.
Mark turned. “I guess.”
Bryan didn’t look at him, staring instead across the water. “I know what he asked you. I was there when he found the rings. He asked me yesterday if I’d officiate for you.”
Swallowing, Mark looked back at the water. It was even worse knowing Duncan had been planning it.
“Why not?”
Mark didn’t have to ask what Bryan was referring to. Even if Duncan hadn’t told Bryan and Laura what Mark’s answer was, he had no doubt it would have been written all over Duncan’s face. “I didn’t say no.” Mark looked down, kicking a small rock into the water.
“But you didn’t say yes either. Is it religious?”
Mark had a feeling Bryan knew that wasn’t the reason. “No,” he answered anyway.
“Then why not?”
With a sigh Mark again turned to Bryan, who’d shifted to face him too. He considered his words carefully, but the man was a preacher and had probably heard it all before. “I’ve lost a lot of people over the years. How much more would it hurt if he left after we’d committed like this?”
Bryan tilted his head. “Would it? Really?”
Mark dropped his gaze but couldn’t quite answer. Would it?
“You know, a lot of people question why I’d still be a pastor after all that’s happened in the world. Yet, I have seen good people, seen more good at times than I did before everything went so wrong. I’ve seen couples who met after, who were more in love than some in my church who’d been married for decades.” He smiled gently. “In a world so full of uncertainty, I can’t help but think people who commit now, couples who get together in these difficult times, are a lot more likely to stay together than not. When people have something outside themselves, outside their relationship, to fight, they fight each other a lot less and thus are a lot less likely to separate.” He placed a hand on Mark’s shoulder. “Duncan loves you more than anything left in this world. I can see it in him.” Bryan squeezed Mark’s shoulder and started back up the hill.
Mark turned once more to the water, his mind even more a mess than before.
IT TOOK him until the sun was well and truly down before he turned back. When he saw Duncan’s face in the window, he cursed himself for worrying the man. Then he cursed himself for piling that on top of the hurt he’d caused earlier.
He picked up the pace and stepped up onto the porch only a moment later. When he moved into the cabin, it was to find the main room empty. A light shone from the loft, telling him Bryan and Laura had already gone to their room.
With his heart pounding, Mark turned toward the master suite. The door stood slightly ajar, and Mark took that to mean he was, at least, still welcome inside. A sliver of light painted the floor outside, telling him Duncan was still up and waiting for him.
He wasn’t sure if that comforted him or not.
Taking another deep breath, he crossed to the door and pushed it open slowly.
Duncan sat in one of the armchairs next to the window, looking out. He couldn’t be able to see much, now that it was dark out, but Mark knew that window faced the lake. His heart thudded.
Mark crossed the room and stopped just behind Duncan, looking down at the blond hair that desperately needed a trim. He ran his hand over it, and he caught their reflection in the window as Duncan’s eyes closed. He tightened the hand holding the arm of the chair briefly before he reached up to touch Mark.
Mark moved around the chair and squatted in front of Duncan. He brushed at a tear track on Duncan’s cheek. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
Duncan shook his head, but Mark held up a hand.
“I’m not done yet.” He swallowed. “Even after you’ve proven all this time that you’re staying, I’ve let my fears still control me. I… I’m not going to be able to let go of them completely, not yet, but it’s time I get over some of them.” He blew out a breath. “Yes.”
Duncan blinked, hope blooming in his green eyes. “You mean…?”
“Yes. I’ll marry you.”
The smile that spread over Duncan’s face made Mark’s heart steady. Duncan dug into his jeans pocket and pulled out the rings he’d presented to Mark earlier. With shaky hands, he picked one of them and offered it. Mark’s hands were shaky too, though not as bad as Duncan’s as he held his left out.
“You won’t regret it, baby. I promise,” Duncan murmured as he slipped the ring onto Mark’s finger.
Mark had to admit to himself Duncan had used that same line on him some nine months before. And he’d been right then too. “I believe that.” He took the other ring Duncan had and pushed it onto his partner’s—fiancé’s!—finger, pausing for a moment to stare at it. Despite his reservations, he liked seeing it there.
Then he stood and held his hand out to Duncan. Duncan raised his eyebrows but stood as well and took Mark’s hand. Mark led him over to the bed, then turned to him. “Let me show you just how much this means to me, how much I’m committed to putting these fears away.”
Duncan tilted his head, but Mark didn’t elaborate. Instead he leaned in and kissed a line along Duncan’s jaw to his neck. Duncan moaned softly, his hands coming up to Mark’s shoulders, then back down along his spine to his waist.
Mark slid his own down Duncan’s chest to the hem of the T-shirt he wore and tugged it up. Duncan let go long enough for Mark to pull the shirt off and toss it aside. Then his hands were back on Mark, this time to divest Mark of the same article he’d just removed from Duncan.
He took his time removing each piece of clothing, taking as much time on each new piece as the last, accompanying it with light kisses and soft touches. He worked his way over Duncan’s chest, pausing to tease a nipple—he’d been delighted when he’d discovered they were sensitive—then knelt as he kissed a line along the light blond treasure trail. Mark always loved the gasp that brought, loved seeing the lump form in Duncan’s jeans at his touch. He palmed it now, rubbing it enough to bring a groan this time.
With his other hand, he popped the button on Duncan’s jeans, but instead of opening them completely, he brushed his lips over the exposed skin at the top of Duncan’s underwear. He ran his fingers along the waistband, teasing the skin before slowly—oh so slowly—easing them down. He glanced up to see Duncan’s gaze locked firmly on him as he stepped out of his jeans. Mark ran his hands up Duncan’s leg, dragging his fingertips over the sensitive inner thighs and earning himself another groan. The lump in Duncan’s underwear grew, and Mark couldn’t resist it any more.
He leaned in, brushing his lips over it once, twice, a third time before easing the cotton over Duncan’s hips. Duncan’s cock sprang free, making Mark’s mouth water. Meeting Duncan’s gaze, he dragged his tongue from base to tip deliberately drawn-out enough it would have driven him downright batshit if Duncan had done the same. Duncan moaned, his hands going to Mark’s head, the sound getting even louder when Mark opened his mouth and lowered his head, swallowing Duncan’s cock in one move.
“Oh fuck, baby!”
If Mark’s mouth hadn’t been full, he’d have grinned. As it was, he swallowed around Duncan’s dick, then pulled off slower. Before he could move back down, though, Duncan was gently tugging on Mark’s hair. When Mark looked up, Duncan seemed to be struggling for air.
“My turn,” he murmured, and Mark stood.
He had been right. With each touch, each kiss, a little more of Mark’s coherency and sanity slipped away. Duncan spent way more time on Mark’s nipples than he had Duncan’s. He teased Mark’s treasure trail until Mark forgot how to speak entirely. And by the time his jeans and underwear were off and Duncan had swallowed his cock, he was having trouble remembering his own name.
It took a near-Herculean effort, but he managed to get Duncan to stand so they could actually make it onto the bed. As crazy as he was, though, he wasn’t going to rush this. What he wanted that night was a big step for them—for him—and he wanted to take his time with it.
Mark was well aware bottoming wasn’t a big deal for a lot of gay men. But he wasn’t gay, he was bi, and before Duncan, only one other person had known that—his late wife. He’d never done what he was about to do, so it was a big deal to him.
Duncan settled on top of him then and caught his lips in a kiss that scrambled Mark’s thoughts. He moaned, his cock hardening even more, though he didn’t know how. He was pretty sure marble was softer at that point.
When Duncan rocked, grinding their cocks together, Mark knew he needed to move things along, as much as he wanted to take his time. Too much sensation, too much of everything, and he was going to go off before he wanted to. With a moan he pointed at the bedside table. “Need something,” he managed to force out.
“Oh yeah, that would help,” Duncan said, leaning over.
Mark stared at the ceiling, trying to find some sort of calm, while Duncan fumbled. At the same time, maybe it was better if he couldn’t. If he was so worked up, he might not be able to worry.
He wasn’t worried about any kind of health problems. Some of the first patients he’d seen suffering from the virus had been HIV-positive. Even with their medications, their systems couldn’t handle the virus. And anything else they might have had—sexually transmitted or otherwise—would have shown symptoms by then, none of which neither he nor Duncan had shown.
No, he was still—probably ridiculously—nervous about the rest, including Duncan’s reaction. But he took a deep breath, and when Duncan came back with the bottle and started to roll to the side, Mark stopped him. He spread his legs and looked up at Duncan, who blinked at him, raising his eyebrows. Mark shoved his fears to the side—again—and said, “I… I want you to top.”
Duncan’s eyes widened. “Are you sure, baby? You don’t have to do this—”
Mark blew out a breath. “I want to. Please?”
A huge smile spread across Duncan’s face and he leaned in to kiss Mark hard. “Thank you, baby.” Then, before Mark could do anything—like change his mind—Duncan had the bottle open. He poured carefully—they were always aware that stuff was limited—and rubbed it over Mark’s hole.
Which felt good, surprisingly so. In fact, Mark had no idea preparing him to take Duncan’s cock could be so pleasurable. There was a rough moment when Duncan went up to three fingers, insisting he needed to do as much as possible since Mark had never bottomed, but it only lasted for a moment and then he was back to feeling good.
But nothing was quite as amazing as the feel of Duncan pushing his cock slowly into Mark’s ass. It was odd, no doubt, when he’d never had anything in there before. But it did feel good too.
Duncan went slow—so slow, Mark actually grumbled, “You’re not going to break me.”
That earned him a chuckle, a thorough kiss, and a good hard thrust, drawing a near shout when Duncan hit his prostate. He hadn’t been sure he’d react to that, but he definitely did. He rocked his hips, needing Duncan to go more, do more.
Duncan
took the hint and started moving, his thrusts still slower than Mark would have liked. When he said something about Duncan going faster, Duncan shook his head. “If I do that, I’ll go off way too fucking fast. Been years since I’ve topped. Oh fuck, Mark, you feel good.”
Mark couldn’t very well argue that. Instead he tried to match Duncan’s rhythm, rolling his hips and working his muscles to give to Duncan as much as he could. Duncan sat up a little while later, though, and wrapped his hand around Mark’s cock, and it was Mark’s turn to groan. “Gonna—”
“Me too, baby. Come for me, Mark.”
Only a few strokes of Duncan’s hand after that, Mark’s balls drew up. It took approximately two more for the pleasure to hit hard, and Mark lost it, arching his back and shooting all over his chest and Duncan’s hand. “Fuck, Duncan!” came out on a shout.
“Yes!” With that Duncan thrust forward once more, and the cock in Mark’s ass twitched hard.
Duncan slumped down, head resting on Mark’s shoulder as he panted. Mark was still struggling for air, trying to find some sort of coherent thought, but he couldn’t seem to manage it. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Duncan and tugged until Duncan settled in on top of him.
It took a little while for them to speak. Duncan raised himself up and looked down at Mark. “Thank you. That was….” He shook his head, and Mark understood. It hadn’t felt like that since the first time he and Duncan had been together, and that had only been little more than mutual handjobs.
“Yeah, I know.” He cupped one of Duncan’s cheeks and lifted his head to meet Duncan’s lips. When they broke apart, he smiled. “Well, get used to it. As my husband, I expect you to be willing to do it a lot more.”
“Oh, so all this time, all I had to do was propose?” Duncan raised an eyebrow.
Mark laughed, making Duncan groan. He eased out of Mark and stretched out next to him on the bed. Mark rolled to face him and ran his fingers over Duncan’s chest. “Thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me, for letting me work through my fears.”
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