by Emjay Soren
And then I held my breath.
Preacher
I said nothing for an eternity. The only sound in the room was the snap of my Zippo closing after I lit my blunt. I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t. I knew what she was asking and I knew the emotions she was feeling had nothing to do with drugs or need, and everything to do with me. She had to know I desired her, that I wanted nothing more than to find my redemption in a woman like her. She had to know even if I was all but denying her. I needed to get this bifter down so I could answer for my own ass.
“This is bleedin’ tragic.” I walked the two feet to the end of the bed and sat, elbows perched on my knees and dropped my head defeated.
She gasped at my words and I immediately wanted to kick myself for speaking out loud. “I meant no offense Bird, I just wouldn’t know where to begin an explanation on all the reasons I can’t be with you.”
'Can’t be with you' was all she would hear; I knew that. She was trying desperately to maintain what dignity she had left. I could sense it as strong as her pulse. “I know I’m not the woman I once was.” She whispered, her voice cracking as she stepped closer. Forcing me to see the success my behavior towards her had finally had. I hated the fuck out of it, but also knew it was necessary. “I know what you must think when you look at me.” She paused to let out an un-amused laugh. “I know what I think. I begged the Nex to do those things to me, and though my regrets are a constant reminder of how far down the rabbit hole one can fall, I also know that whenever I try to justify the rape as innocence and not need I am reminded that it was me begging for more in the end. Anything inside of me that was wholesome and real and good, bled out on the floor of Bliss long before you walked in Inked as my savior. So don’t do me any favors and remind me of how tragic I am. I lived it Preacher. How could I forget, when the disgust I see in your eyes refuses to let me forget?”
Her words echoed what I was feeling in that room when I entered, and as much as I wanted to remind her that it had been the drug controlling her, I knew it was of no use. I lived that same constant sorrow. Blaming myself for the death of those I loved, at the hands of the vampire who now wanted her. I had no choice but to be cold with her.
I thought of the words I needed to say and looked at Tavern while trying to place her thoughts. I needed the Infatuation now more than ever to see where she was mentally. I couldn’t go by instinct here. Instinct would have her on her back and me inside of her begging for forgiveness.
“What you see in my eyes is an emptiness, a void that I can’t fill. I am a ghost of the man I once was Tavern.” I motioned with my hand to still her voice when she rolled her eyes in frustration. “There is a list of all the traits you will one day need in a man. I see the strength in Cash and Cookie. I see what they have and know it will last, because I had it once as well. I had more.” I dropped my head again and made no move to leave the spot on the end of the bed. “I had what you're going to want one day, what I sense you want now.” She looked at me as I raised my head to look at her as I broke her heart.
Putting my joint out I shook my head, clearing my thoughts. “I will never be that guy, Tavern. You say what was most important to you bled out on that floor? Well, I assure you, Bird, everything good in me died when I was turned.” My voice didn’t raise, I didn’t shake or choke up. I was calm. I was resolved. I was keeping my secrets locked tight. “I have nothing to offer you, Tavern, nothing of worth. And you deserve worth, you deserve more than the empty promises I would make knowing damn well I’d never be able to honor them, or you for that matter.”
She closed her eyes and I wanted to scream in frustration. “I don’t believe that, Preacher.”
I laughed, just as unamused as she had been before. Her fight was damn near masochistic. “It's true. I have no faith inside of me, and the faith I did have I chose it a distant second the minute I met my beloved wife. I would never be able to offer you the piece of me that I gave her. That died along with the man I was.”
“Perhaps that man that died couldn’t offer me what I want, but the man before me is everything I want and need.” She cried, and stepped closer till she stood before me at the edge of the bed.
I looked at her tear soaked cheeks and wanted so badly to give her what she wanted, even if it was a lie. Maybe it was the bastard inside that wanted her flesh against mine. Maybe it was the faith that made me a priest that told me it was a coward’s move. The man in me had me reaching for her, hands on her hips as I rested my head against her soft belly. But the vampire wanted to claim her, keep her…drink her. “The man before you isn’t a man, Bird.”
“Well, I’m not a whore either, so by the look of things I guess we were both deceived.”
Her words stung. I hated that she thought so low of herself, and regarded me with such standards.
“You are not a whore!” I growled.
“Did I not fuck you in return for safety and shelter?”
“Did I say it was the price? The fucking was a bonus on my part, but the safety and shelter were freely given. Don’t accuse me of treating you like a whore. Accuse me of being a prick, a fuck, a bastard even, but never of using you. What we did, what piece of me I gave you, I never gave to another!”
“Fine, I’m not a whore and you're not empty Preacher.” She cupped my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. “Emptiness leaves no survivors, Preacher. You have survived so much, and you’re still standing. I see the way you speak to London, with love and conviction. You support Cash and Leushus and Bastian. You would defend each of them with your life. You peacefully swallow the sins of the evil to bring them peace in the end. You are so far from empty, Preacher. Please believe that.”
I recoiled from her touch and stood from the end of the bed. “I would damn us both Tavern, if I allowed this charade to continue knowing I have no promises to give you. You pretend that I don’t know you're in love with me? I fucking know it, and I stopped you from falling further. I cannot love like that. I did before, and somewhere that peace of me broke.” I was at the door about to leave when she stopped me with one word.
“Liar!”
“Far from it, Bird.” I said, still facing the door, my palm on the handle.
“I don’t believe that, and nothing you say will make me think otherwise.”
She was leaving me no choice but to throw stones. “Well, then you’re in for some serious disappointment, because there is nothing and no one holding me here. You want to test that theory? Don't say I didn’t warn you. You thought you were hurt before? Well, stay in my path little Bird, and see what destruction really looks like. I have it down to a fine fuckin’ art!”
“You really want me to believe that?” She asked me through her sobs. I felt like the worst of men for bringing her to tears.
“I would love it if you took my word for it but you seem to have some bleedin’ blockage in your brain stopping you from seeing the truth.” I got close real close and called on all my anger and hurt. I needed to use it in if I had any chance of making her believe me. “I. Dont. Want. You!” She stepped back as though I'd slapped her, and I felt the loss of her in that instant. I had done it. “Is that fuckin’ clear enough?”
She nodded and rushed to the door and started screaming for Leushus. I don't know why, but I assumed she wanted out of the mansion and as far from me as she could get. Leushus wasn’t gonna let her leave though. Not until we found Angelo and Darcallion.
“What?” He said as he flashed in front of us both, eyeballing me, and I knew he'd heard it all.
“I'm already connected to you and London right?” She asked while sobbing. I had really fucked with the girl, she was struggling to find words and her heart rate was fast as fuck; her tears were streaming down her cheeks. Fuck me. I was a dick.
Leushus heard my thoughts and nodded his agreement. I knew there was another fucking lecture in my damn near future.
“Yes, honey you are. I know what you want and yes, it is safe, but are you certain?”
/>
What?
“Y-y-y-esss.” She cried. Leushus looked to me and I felt a burn at his stare. “You even b
Leushus looked at me and I felt a burn at his stare. “You even bother filling her in on what happened tonight?”
I scoff. “Nope, no need.”
Then, like a fucking nightmare, Leushus, with his eyes locked on me as if proving a point, offered his wrist popping his vein as blood pooled on his command. “Then drink, honey, and let it be over.”
OH! FUCK!NO!
Point made!
I didn’t stay to watch; she did what I'd forced her to do and drank from another. Maybe it was the Bliss that made her want me, maybe not. Didn’t matter because she just freed herself from its clutches and from me in the process. She drank from another in front of me, and in vampire it meant, in the simplest of terms, 'fuck you, fuck off and die!'
I got what I wanted, she was gone, and in her final goodbye she managed to hurt me just as bad as I had hurt her.
Touché!
Tou-fucking-ch’e!
Chapter Twenty-Three
Tavern
I was packing and leaving the nightmare behind. I couldn’t believe the relief that came from Leush’s blood, and though I still felt the unnatural pull, it no longer controlled me. I had sent a text to Bastian from London’s phone, but we hadn’t heard back from him yet. I really wanted to say goodbye to him.
“You promise you won’t forget me?” London asked, as she tissue wrapped all of my shoes. The girl was a nut.
“I will answer every call, and text you non-stop as per your demands.” I laugh, but I can see she hates that I am leaving. I will miss her too, but I need to get my life back. “Besides, I’ll be around. I’m going two blocks down. You should know, you own the Condo.”
“I bought Tiffany Blue like, a day before Cash and I met. I was planning to come here all along. After the whole evil dad, and more evil brother, and their drug empire thing, I was ready to start fresh.”
I cringe inwardly when I think of Conlin. I want to cry when I think of her father and how he treated her. “Why Tiffany Blue? Why call it that?”
She smiles that perfect smile. “Oh, you'll see and you will looooove it.” She sang the last part and I laugh. You can’t argue her logic and expect it to make sense outside of her little head. Knowing London, and her obsession with anything label and girly, I'm sure it will be explained.
“Well, I appreciate the set up. I'll be on my feet soon and I’ll find a place.” In the hours since drinking from Leushus I had looked up a few publishers looking for entry level editing, and a few newspapers as well. I had no guarantees, but I had drive. I would get a job at McDonalds before I would crawl back here to him.
“I wish you wouldn’t. The condo is close enough that Cash or Bastian could be there fast if we needed. It’s bad enough that they'll kill me when they find out I let you leave. At least stay where we know you’re safe.” She sounded so sad, like a pout in a fierce tone. It was something only someone like London could pull off. “You’ll change your mind once you see Tiffany Blue and with a name like Tiffany how could it not be safe?”
“Nowhere is safe sweetie, you know that. I'm wanted no matter where I go.”
She laughs. “Honey, do you really think Cacius Troy would let me set foot in a condo that wasn’t safer then Fort Knox? Girl, there are more gadgets in that condo than there are here.” She wrapped the last of my four pairs of shoes and boxed them up, marking the box ‘FRAGILE’. “Still, it’s not the same as mean, bad ass Custos vampires watching your every move.”
I saw it then, she was hiding something and nervous about it. “What are you planning?” I asked. I hoped she wasn't playing me and really planning to ambush me with the rest of the alpha vamps in the house to keep me here. My sanity is shot with him.
“Well…” She sits at the foot of my bed and pulls my hands into hers. “I couldn’t in good conscience leave you there alone. So…” She bites her lip, and my heart is racing because I have no idea what she is up to.
“So?”
“So remember the story of the Nex who broke in, and I killed that one with my bare hands?”
I wanted to laugh. “You mean the one you talk about almost daily? Yeah, I remember.”
“Hey,” She says and places a hand over her heart in sincerity. “If I didn’t remind them of my own bad ass-ness then they would wrap me in bubble wrap and never let me leave. That's beside the point though. Remember the Custos I told you about named Stupor?”
I nod, “Vaguely.”
“Well, he's coming to stay with you. Congrats, it’s a boy, who is soooo a girl at heart.” She is clapping and laughing and I don’t know what to say.
“I don’t know London. I don’t know him, and after Bliss…”
She is already shaking her head in his defense. “I get it Tavern, I get the hell you lived, and I know it’s hard trusting people, but I swear by Stupor. He would never hurt you. He works with Cash and is part of Leushus’ team, and he wouldn’t touch you baby. He is as gay as I am rich. I talk to him all day, every day either by text or on the phone. I've flown him out here to go shopping with me for a day because his fashion sense is better than mine. I trust him as deeply as I do Preacher, even Cash.”
“And if we hate each other?”
She laughs. “Not even possible. I swear, if you hate him then I will send his fabulous ass home.”
There was no arguing with her when her mind was set. The condo was hers and I was blessed to be allowed to stay there rent free. I wouldn’t balk at a roomy with awesome killing skills.
We packed the rest of my few items in silence and just as I was ready to go her phone chimed. “Bastian is on his way. He says sorry, they were fighting and he phased, so he lost his phone. Took him a while to find it.” She looked at the phone when it went off again and a smug grin cross her lips; I know it’s Cash. “Tav?”
I look up when she says my name. “Yeah?”
“You and Preach ever… ya know sext?”
Huh. “What?”
“Sext. It’s phone sex through text.”
“No.”
She shrugs and giggles before typing away on her phone and I hate that I'm curious. Other then Jezzi I haven’t really done the girlfriend thing. “I assume your sexting?”
She laughs. “Yeah. Fighting always gets Cash going.”
It did that for Preacher too, but I didn’t say that. Instead I blurted something way worse.
“Preacher liked head after a fight.” I slap a hand over my mouth hating that I said anything. It had been killing me that I was blowing the only Custos out there willing to let a human go down.
Her jaw drops. “Bullshit!”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Yeah, you fucking should have. When did he let you?”
I cringe. “The first time and every time there after.” Was this really what girls did? I kinda liked getting some of it off my chest. No matter how angry I was though, I would never give his secrets away… just a few details.
“What the fuck! Really?” She is floored by this, just as I was when he admitted to being turned on by the danger.
I nod. “Yes, but please, take it to your grave. Not even Cash can know.”
“Oh, Cash would kill him.” She slaps her hands on her thighs. “I begged Cash for three months before he let me. Only guy I know who could make me beg to suck his dick. He was terrified the whole time." She stops and looks at me. “How were you not terrified?”
I shrug. “I trusted him from the second we met, so it never occurred to me to fear him. He was into it, but I could tell he was scared.” She starts jumping up and down laughing uncomfortably.
“Okay stop! No more, it’s skeeving me out to think of him like that.”
I laugh and can’t help it. “I swallowed, too.”
She shrieks and slams both hands over both ears laughing hysterically. “Stop!” She begs and hunches over holding her stomach.
“It hurts! Stop! It hurts to laugh this hard!”
I'm laughing just as hard, and we both have tears in our eyes. After we calm down, we're both trying to catch our breath and I feel so wonderful, so happy. It's been forever since I'd felt like this. “Thank you London.” I say as sincere as I can, my voice still shaking from the bat of hysteria. “It feels like forever since I had a close friend and a good laugh.”
She gives me that million dollar smile and pulls me into her arms. “I adore you girlfriend, and that could never change.”
We finally catch our bearings and load my few boxes by the door, finishing just as Bastian knocks. We both yell for him to come in, but were not prepared for what we saw. Bastian was in a robe, his skin marred and bruising, his body and hair a filthy mess. “Got here just now and need a shower, but wanted to make sure you guys were cool.” He looked around the room and saw I have cleared out my stuff and packed what few possessions I have.
“Goin’ somewhere,Tav?”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Preacher
I was out alone, not something that Leushus would be happy about. I stopped caring though the minute he opened that vein for Tavern. Each night since then had been spent the same, alone, searching. I wanted Angelo dead, I wanted Tavern safe, and I wanted to go on about this life and not look back.
I was following them after watching them leave the club we were in just a few weeks ago. The same club where I'd fucked her right there on the dance floor. I knew who they were looking for, and the disappointment each night didn’t go unnoticed. Tonight though, I had their routine down, and I wasn’t about to disappoint. If they couldn’t lead me to Angelo, then I would lead them to ashes.
I stayed behind as the four Nex stumbled from the bar with four human women in tow. They appeared drunk, but as an undead myself, I knew the act. I stayed back half wishing I could smoke a J before the fight, but no, I wanted to feel it all. Maybe it was a masochistic move, but I wanted the pain, wanted to bleed tonight.