The Regret (Heartache #2)

by Green, Vicki

  “Why….?” She clears her throat, filled with emotions. “Why didn’t he come for me once he turned eighteen?” Her teared filled eyes await my answer. The one thing that will crush her. The one thing I’ve dreaded to tell her all this time. I search those eyes, hesitating longer than I should.

  “A little over a year after he came to live with us, he was driving home from work. It was late. Storming.” I swallow, my mouth dry. “He was only seventeen. It was a Friday night. When most kids his age were out having a good time, he was at work, trying to learn everything he could to make Dad proud. Make him want to help get you. He would have done anything.” Tears drop from her eyes. Her face softens. “He was hit head on. Drunk teenagers.” She drops the picture. Her hands fly up and cover her mouth. More tears. Shock. “He was killed instantly. The teenagers all died too. Four of them.” She pushes one of my legs aside and jumps up. I stand as she walks quickly away and stops, facing away from me. “He loved you, Jolie.” She reaches out behind her, telling me to stop. “He never stopped thinking about you. Never stopped thinking of ways he could get to you.” I watch her. No sound. Just the shaking of her shoulders as she cries. The silence is killing me. Her silence takes away every last breath I have.

  Suddenly, she walks into the kitchen. I follow behind her, slowly. Giving her room. Space. I watch as she grabs her purse from the counter and walks through the doorway into the dining room. She’s leaving. Leaving me. Leaving us. I quicken my steps. As she gets near the front door, I reach out and grab her arm. She spins around, her face tear streaked – fresh tears sliding down. Her eyes swollen, her lips and chin trembling.

  “Don’t go.” She shakes her head. “Please don’t go. Talk to me,” I plead.

  She shrugs her shoulder, pulling her arm from my grasp. “I….” She looks around then at me. “I can’t.”

  She turns and I watch my world walk out of our house. Away from me. From us. I need to give her time, I know. But I can’t. I can’t let her go. I run out of the house just as she’s backed her bike onto the driveway from the garage. I start to catch up to her as she pulls out onto the street.

  “HE LOVED YOU, JOLIE!” I scream. I run out into the street as she starts to drive off. “I LOVE YOU!” I watch as my life drives off. “NOOOOOO!” My worst nightmare has come alive.

  Chapter 16

  Tears stream down my face as I grip the handle bars on my bike, pushing it faster. He’s dead. He was going to come for me. He promised. I don’t know how long I’ve been driving. My vision is all but gone in the dark. Tear filled eyes making everywhere I look, hazy. I blink rapidly as drops of rain hit my eyes and the already soaked skin on my face. He was going to come. Looking in my side mirror and checking over my shoulder, I turn my bike around, making a U-turn in the middle of the street. As the rain starts pelting me, I make a quick decision and push the gas. I’ve never been over to Hailey’s apartment but I know it’s only a couple of blocks away from my old one. I should have kept my apartment. I should have known better. Pulling into an empty spot, I look around, not finding anywhere to lock up my bike. I climb off the seat, not caring. I walk numbly up to the front door, open it and walk right to the mailboxes, not knowing which apartment she’s in. Quickly, I scan the names and numbers, finding hers easily. I walk down the small hallway to the last door on the left and raise my hand. I hesitate. I have no idea what time it is. I look around, unsure of what to do. I can’t go back home.

  Home.

  I have no home.

  He kept all of it from me. Months. Years. Why would he do that? Why would he keep something so important from me? My phone vibrates in my pocket, shaking me away from my thoughts. Without thinking, I knock on the door. I’m soaking wet, cold, and numb. No answer. I knock again, a little louder this time, my hand shaking. Everything I’ve worked for, all the strength I’ve had to build up, everything I’ve endured – all shattered in one night. Happiness. Maybe I’m not ever supposed to be happy. I knock again, shivering harder.

  “Oh, my God! Someone better be near death.”

  Hailey’s voice becomes louder. The door opens. I can barely see her through my tears.

  “Shit! Get in here,” she says as she reaches out and grasps my arm, pulling me inside. She closes the door behind me, and I stand dripping wet in the small entry. “Come here. Let me get you some towels.” I follow behind her, not looking at anything. Not seeing anything but my feet as I look down. “Here. I’ll get you something to change into then I’ll make some coffee.” She puts some towels in my arms and leaves the small room, closing the door behind me. I set the towels down on the counter and peel off my wet clothes, leaving on my camisole I had underneath my wet shirt and avoiding the mirror. I’m sure I look hideous, but I don’t care. I dry off as best as I can then wrap one of the damp towels around me when I hear a knock on the door. I slowly open it, not looking up, and she hands me some clothes. I can’t speak, too afraid of what I’d say. Afraid of what my voice would sound like. Afraid I’ll let go and bawl like a baby. She shuts the door without a word, and I hear her walk off. Dropping the towel, I put on the t-shirt and sweatpants she’d given me. Thank goodness we’re about the same size but she’s taller. I bend down and roll up the bottoms of the pants until I won’t trip over them.

  I let out a breath, still not able to take a deep one, and open the door. The aroma of hot coffee fills the air. I’m still shaking, some from the cold, some from my heart that shattered in a million pieces. He’s dead. I blindly walk into the hall and around the corner, my eyes squint from the sudden light in the kitchen. He was going to come for me. I sit down on the nearest stool and don’t realize how badly I’m shaking until I try to cup my hands around the hot steamy coffee mug before me.

  “He fucking hurt you.” Hailey’s voice comes out in a growl, and I finally manage to look up at her, giving her a small nod. “Fucking prick! I’ll go over there and….” I start shaking my head. Fresh tears fall down my face. She lets out a long breath, the long hair that escaped from her low ponytail blows away from her face. I watch her walk over to the far counter, pouring her own cup of coffee as I try to pick up my cup, closing my eyes as I take a drink, and feeling the warmth slide down my throat. “What did he do, Jolie? Tell me.”

  I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. How do I tell her a part of me died when Tanner told me Stephen died? That my heart stopped beating when he told me Stephen had planned to find a way to come get me – after all these years thinking he’d forgotten me. How do I tell her my life crumbled and shattered knowing Tanner knew all these years and never told me, even after he had proclaimed his love for me? How do I tell her I feel dead inside and happiness will never find me?

  “He told me he would hurt you.” My eyes snap to hers. She’s leaning against the counter, shaking her head. She looks at me, sadness in her eyes. “He brought his truck in. Turns out, nothing was wrong with it.” My heart starts beating again, slowly at first. “He told me you’d get hurt but didn’t tell me how or why. Son of a bitch.”

  He knew.

  He knew I’d find out. Why didn’t he just tell me?

  Why?

  Why?

  All the why’s fill my head until I feel like it could explode.

  Is he a coward? His tough exterior, his heart filled with the love he declared for me. I wish I understood. “He said he’d hurt me?” I whisper, not sure if she even heard me. I stand abruptly, pushing the stool away. “I have to go.” I turn and walk towards the front door, noticing my purse on the floor near it. I must have dropped it when I came inside.

  “Wait! Jolie!”

  The sound of Hailey’s feet scamper behind me as I turn the knob on the door and open it. I stop and look over my shoulder. “I …. I can’t stay here.”

  “I get it,” she says as she stops behind me. “I really do. But it’s pouring outside and dark.” I turn m
y head and look around, out her front door and down the hall, and out the front windows. Rain beats on the windows on either side of the door. “At least let me get you a coat.” I turn around slowly, trying to give her a smile, but I think it came out looking more like pain. I watch as she takes off down the hall soon to return with a coat, holding it out to me. “I’d never forgive myself if you got sick.” She holds it open and I turn around, letting her help me put it on. “I’d kick my own ass.” I purse my lips at her joke, knowing she feels bad for letting me leave. She pushes me gently until I’m facing her again. She starts buttoning it up. “You know Tanner will never give up.” I know this, but I’m not sure I want him to. “He’s gonna end up coming over here, you know?” He will. He shouldn’t. “Where will you go?” She tilts her head, concern covering her beautiful face. She really is a good friend.

  I shrug. “Somewhere I thought I’d never go again.”

  She gives me a small smile. “Will you text me and let me know you made it there?” I nod, at least I think I did. “Don’t tell anyone, it’ll ruin my rep, but I do worry.” I feel the corners of my mouth lift slightly. “You be careful, okay?” I give her another nod and turn around, suddenly feeling more vulnerable than I did. I reach the door and stop, turning back around quickly, and walk the few steps to her, throwing my arms around her.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  Just as fast as I hugged her, I turn and walk through the door, hearing her sniffle as I close the door behind me. I know where I need to go, where I need to be, but I’m scared to death to go there. The rain beats on me hard as I climb onto my bike, putting in the key, and turn it on. I can barely see as I back out of the spot, then turn it around, and take off.

  I don’t even know what time it is as I travel to my destination. The wind and rain are causing me to shiver, but I have to go. I have no choice. He gave me no choice.

  “You’re doing it wrong.”

  I look up from trying to tie the knot in the rope and see Stephen smirking at me. “You do it then,” I grumble as I hold it out at him.

  He shakes his head. “No. You need to know how to do it. Try again.”

  I smile. My tears are making it harder to see the road, intermingling with the rain hitting my face.

  “You did it! I’m so proud of you!” He throws his arms around me, and I feel so safe, so loved, when he holds me. I laugh into his shoulder.

  “I have no idea why you thought I needed to know how to tie a square knot. Like I’ll ever have to do that.” I hear his laughter and feel his body shake against mine. I pull back and look at his eyes, filled with happiness. I love seeing that. Suddenly, my smile leaves as my laughter stops. “What am I going to do without you?” He pulls me back into him, his arms tightening around me.

  “You’re gonna live as if I was near. You’re gonna get through each day remembering all I’ve taught you. You’re gonna survive. I’ll be back just as soon as I can and take you away from here.” I look up at him, his eyes now wet with his own tears. He looks down at me and smiles. “You come here to our place when you can. Pretend I’m here with you at our home.” He nods up at the adobe style abandoned building, overlooking our lot. I grab his shirt in my hands, fisting the material. “You wait for me, Jole. I’ll come back.”

  I let out a sob as the tires of my bike skid through a patch of water on the road and blink away my tears and the rain to steady it. My heart beats rapidly as I reach up and rub across my right eye then return to the handlebar. It’s raining harder now, the only light coming from my headlight. I’m cold, wet, but still I feel nothing but the deadness in my soul. He died. I’ll never see him again.

  “Don’t move. I’ll get the first aid kit.”

  Another beating. Stephen. Always taking care of me. I hiss when I feel him rub something across the cuts on my back. “I’m gonna make them pay. You watch, Jolie. They are so gonna pay for what they’ve done.” I look up as he leans over, staring into my wet eyes. “I’ll make them pay. I promise you with everything I am.”

  I wipe away more tears. The drive is long, giving me too much time to think. Too much time to remember.

  “What do you want to do with your life, Jolie?”

  We’ve been lying on our ratty blanket in our lot for an hour now. I keep looking up at the adobe house, wishing we could live there. “I just want to be happy. Somewhere.” I look over at him and see he’s staring at me.

  He reaches over and brushes the hair away from my face, still looking in my eyes. “I want that for you too. So badly. You know I’ll always take care of you. I love you, Short Stuff.” He smiles but remains serious. “Just like always.”

  “Stephen,” I sob.

  So young. Still so much life ahead of him. He’s dead. Why is life so mean? So cruel? He was going to come back for you. He didn’t forget. I choke on another sob as I turn into the lot. It’s barely light out now, the rain still coming down lightly. I’m chilled to the bone, but I don’t care. I can make out the overgrown weeds and grass throughout the lot. Unattended. Left alone, just like me. I’m not quite sure why I came here. I guess because I feel closer to Stephen. I climb off my bike and walk around the lot, stopping in the area we used to lay on our ratty blanket.

  “Oh, Stephen.” I sigh, tears filling my eyes when I thought I had none left.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “How happy I am.” He gives me a confused look, and I smile. “You make me happy.”

  I raise my hand, my fingers covering my cold lips. A small smile is there. I walk over to a spot that is clear of overgrowth but wet, and I sit down, crossing my legs and putting my hands in the pocket of the coat Hailey loaned me. I look up at the sky. The rain turned to mist, brushing over my wet face.

  I look up at the sky, still smiling. “In a world of hurt and pain, you bring me the only sunshine I have.” I look back over at him. “How can I not be happy?”

  And now he’s gone. But not just gone. When I thought someday he might show up, I had hope. Now, I have none. He’s gone forever, and I don’t get to see him ever again.

  The anger is gone.

  The fear is gone.

  The hope is – gone.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. My bottom is wet and cold, numb. I’m shaking. I turn my head and look up at the sky. The sun is trying to peek through the clouds. I look to my left and see the adobe building. It calls to me. I have a hard time standing as my legs have fallen asleep but finally manage to get up. Walking up the small hill, I’m reminded of so many memories. Once inside I walk around, careful of the debris still laying everywhere, just like I remember.

  “Careful, Jolie!”

  He grabs my arm and helps me across the boards and nail ridden floor. He leads me outside and I lean against the rough adobe structure. It hurts my sore back.

  “This is perfect.” I smile.

  He turns and gives me a look then raises his hand high above his head, swings it down around his waist, and bows. “I give you, Queen Jolie!”

  I smile, remembering it like it was yesterday. Only it wasn’t, and he’s gone. Forever. I remove the wet coat, pull the t-shirt Hailey gave me over my head and set it down on the floor, remembering I’m in my black camisole as I walk outside and look down at our lot. Our lot. Leaning back against the rough wall, the memories of my beatings, the pain, and the unhappiness hits me hard. He was the only thing I tried for. The only thing I lived for. “I miss you, Stephen,” I whisper. I rub my bare arms and shiver.

  “I thought I’d find you here.”

  My head snaps inside the doorway.

  Tanner.

  Lies.

  Deceit.

  Secrets.

  Shirtless Tanner. He drops his soaked shirt down beside my coat, and I quickly look back out in front of me, wrap my arms around my waist, and
shiver. “Go home, Tanner.”

  “See. I can’t do that.” I keep looking forward but hear him walking towards me. I can see him from my peripheral as he walks past me. I try not to look at him. I do. My eyes betray me and keep looking over at him. Another person I gave my heart to only to have it shattered. He stops a few feet to my right and looks down at the lot. “You see. I vowed to protect this girl, who’s now a woman.” He turns his head and looks at me, and I quickly look away. “I made a promise to Stephen that I would look for you, protect you, and make sure you’re happy.”

  I cringe when he says Stephen’s name but then let out a strangled laugh. “Oh, yeah. What happened with that?”

  He turns abruptly and storms over to me. I try to leave but he presses me against the rough adobe, grabbing my left wrist and pins it above me. I push my hand against his stomach as he cups my face. “For the first couple of years, I had to take care of things at home. Burying Stephen….” I squeeze my eyes shut tight. “Then burying my dad.” I open them slowly and look up into his eyes. “I had to take care of the business and then sell it.” He shifts his stance and tightens his hold on my wrist. “I thought about you, what you were going through, every single second. Don’t think I didn’t. I about went mad knowing that I needed to get to you.” I push harder against his stomach, the tightness and muscles there not moving. “I fucking fell in love with you when Stephen showed me that damn picture, told me about you. One thing he wanted to do was get to you, save you, and then punish those fucking foster parents. Come to find out, he didn’t want to go into Dad’s business any more than I did. We were gonna….” I watch as he chokes back his own tears. “We were gonna start our own business, rescuing abused foster kids and making sure those who mistreated them, misused the system for themselves, paid for what they did.” I swallow hard, my own emotions choking me. His eyes search mine, hoping for a shred of understanding. “I loved him too, Jolie.” Damn traitorous tears well up in my eyes again. “Jolie. Look. I know I should have told you, come to you sooner, but I was scared.”