It Always Rains on Sundays

  He looked up ‘Along with all the other oddballs.’

  He was talking about me, it’s just dawned on me.

  Is he serious? ‘Register?’ I repeated. ‘You can’t be serious?’ I exclaimed. Hard to imagine, right, a Quirke on the sex offenders list – what next? ‘Most certainly, very serious’ he assured me. He let it sink in, leaning forward, he said ‘Take this as a warning. Keep well away from school property in future’ he advised, adding ‘or, next time who knows.’

  Oh superb. That’s wonderful – now he’s giving me ultimatums.

  We exchanged looks. ‘You mean, now I can’t even pick up my own kids?’ He shook his head, he opened his hands. ‘No, no, not at all – not entirely.’ He went over to fetch a couple of chairs, placing them carefully, each behind the other. He sat down on the front seat, as if he was driving a car, both hands holding this imaginary steering-wheel.

  ‘Car’ he said. ‘Parp, parp! Parp, parp!’ he repeated.

  I’d all on trying to keep a straight face I’ll tell you.

  He said ‘Now Mr. Quirke – I am now approaching little Lucy’s junior school, bell goes.’ Interrupted, there’s a light tap on the door, a young female junior officer put her head around the door. ‘Excuse me sir. Chief Super intendant Hollingsworth, he’s waiting upstairs.’ She was dying to laugh you could tell – ‘Will you be long?’ He acknowledged her with a curt nod of the head. She closed the door looking at her feet.

  Meantime Sinfield kept both hands firmly on the wheel. He picked up where he’d left off, he looked at his watch. ‘Home time, bell goes, ding-ding, ding-ding (he cupped one ear) – this is when you arrive savvy – got that? So where’s your problem?’

  I nodded like a donkey.

  He went through it all again, just to make sure. He jerked up his hand, looking at his watch. ‘Not a minute before, okay. Home time, you with me – got that? Okay. Home time, school’s out! Hurrah! “Hello little girl, had a nice day? Oh, wonderful!” – one quick smooth operation. In future this is exactly what you do, right. She climbs into the motor-vehicle. Brrrrrrm, brrrrrrm, brake off, we check our mirror.. all clear … Then, off we go – what could be simpler?’

  ‘Seatbelt’ I reminded him.

  He glared ‘We then fasten our seatbelts.’

  He retook his seat, squaring up several files on top of his desk, he let it sink in. ‘Is that perfectly clear. No loitering, after that you then scarper – got it, one smooth, sharp operation. You then depart school premises in an orderly manner, bloody pronto – you with me?’

  I nodded affirmative, by now I’d’ve agreed to pretty much anything.

  Then, all of a sudden it was all over, at long last – he’d insisted on escorting me off the premises. Nobody spoke. We marched in step listening to our footsteps resounding hollowly, the whole length of the corridor.

  We shook hands gravely out on the front steps of the Townhall. It felt good just to smell the fresh air once again. He stood stiffly, legs apart with his hands clasped behind his back. ‘Nice day’ he commented, appraising the busy street scene, then added. ‘We don’t see much of you down at the Rotary these days?’ I shook my head, ‘No, you know how it is’ I replied. He nodded.

  Too late, next moment he was gone. ‘How’s old Barbara’s Argetina Tango?’ Maybe I should’ve said.

  I steered myself in a bee-line towards Tony’s Tavern.

  After what I’d just been through what I needed right now is a stiff drink, namely a couple of shots of Jack D.. I’d a lot to think about. Right now I needed some space, time on my own to think things out. One thing for sure if any of this lot leaks out I’m a goner for sure.

  Mind you I’m as good as dead anyway.

  Just my effing luck, the first person I run into is Gabriel (gobby) Biggar-Titte, him and his gang of stupid, guffawing cronies I’m meaning. Everybody laughing like drains at things that aren’t even funny.

  That’s all I need, you could hardly move, the whole place is crowded right to the brim. It turns out there’s this big race meeting, they’re all ‘shooting off’ to Wetherby race-course. Too late I’d already ordered my drink.

  ‘My God, if it isn’t the man himself’ he bellows across the bar. Everything went quiet, they all turned at once – it’s as if they know already. ‘NOT AT WORK TO-DAY? NOTHING WRONG I HOPE?’ he says.

  What’s it to you anyway I thought. I took a big drink from my glass.

  ‘Bit of business on that’s all’ I said in a low voice.

  Mind you, he was well away already you could tell.

  He stared, his arm settled heavily over my shoulders, he leaned in closer ‘By Jove pilgrim you’re as white as a bloody ghost. NOTHING WRONG I HOPE?’ he repeated.

  He was just dying to get to know something you could tell. ‘Wrong, why – should there be?’ I made a big thing of looking at my watch. ‘God, is that the time – time I was making tracks.’ Think what you like I thought.

  If he thinks I’m buying a round in for all that tribe he can bollocks.

  He grabbed my arm, his voice went secretive, his mouth came close to my ear ‘No, I thought I’d just seen you coming out of the police station?’ he hissed.

  I slid his arm off my shoulder. I nodded. ‘Um, you probably did squire.’ I said the first thing that came into my head. ‘I’d heard a report about a black Labrador-cross without a collar that’d been picked up’ I lied easily.

  He stared, his glass stayed in mid-air ‘That’s moons ago man.’

  I nodded. ‘Um, I know – two years to the very day. We were all very fond of old Skippy, especially the kids. Just on the off-chance I thought I’d better check it out.’

  Soon after that I finished off my drink, then left..

  All this happening, that meant I didn’t pole into work until almost lunchtime. No wonder I was dreading it. Old Docket for one, I’d let him down big time (he’s bound to get to know sooner or later). What’d made it even worse, I’d just remembered, he’s a long standing fellow member of the same Rotary as my old adversary Inspector Sinfield. No wonder my nerves are in shreds – I’ll say. I could just imagine it, ‘Hello Wally, so what’s new brother?’ (‘You mean you haven’t heard the latest?’) Wait till Cynthia gets wind of it – I’m dead as a doornail for sure.

  Oh, the shame, arrested in public too, I’ll never live I down.

  Same at work – it’s as if they know already.

  Somehow you could sense it. Rightaway Kirsty comes up to me, she’s looking very worried. ‘ARE YOU ALRIGHT?’ (It’s the way she said it). ‘Fine’ I said. ‘I’m hunky-dory as a matter of fact’ I assured her. Next thing you know, two minutes later it’s Shiraleen’s turn, she’s as bad. She looked at me a bit strangely too come to think, she stared. ‘ARE YOU ALRIGHT?’ ‘FINE WHY – why shouldn’t I be? I’m bloody cock-a-hoop’ I declared.

  Both girls looked at one another, then burst out laughing for no reason.

  Something’s going on you can tell.

  One thing for sure, I know I can count on one person at least. Thelma who else, she sensed my mood rightaway of course, before you know it, I’m sat down with a nice cup of tea and an Eccles cake – hardly a question in sight. Well, maybe the odd one or two. Who can blame her, then when I told her about what had happened. About getting myself arrested, outside Lucy’s school I’m meaning. Her face dropped a mile.

  Rightaway she let out a big groan ‘Oh nooooooo!’ she cried out. ‘POLICE STATION – ARRESTED?’ she yelled. You’d’ve thought I was Public Enemy Number One at least. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve missed you’re important meeting with H&H over at County Hall too?’

  ‘Fuck it – who cares, it’s only a job anyway.’

  ‘Try not to swear Colin, it doesn’t become you.’

  I nodded. ‘Sorry for my profanity.’ She gave me a tight smile.

  She shook her head, ‘Golly’ she kept saying. ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear’ she repeated three times in a row. Somehow or other i’d expected more, you think you know
people, right. Suddenly the phone rang, we both jumped a mile. She handed me the phone, her eyes were like saucers. ‘Cynthia?’ she mouthed. They’d phoned her from the school (quicker than I thought). She sounded pretty angry you could tell, calling me bad names. ‘You stupid idiot – how could you be so bloody stupid’ (etc, etc). I’d to hold the phone away from my ear.

  Finally I said ‘Look, I’ll speak to you later, okay’ I hung up. Turning to Thelma, I asked her point blank – I threw my cards down on the table. ‘Do I look like a pervert?’ I said.

  ‘Well, no’ she answered in a slow either way kind of voice. It’s the way she had to think about it, this is what got me.

  No lady I thought, it was me all alone in that cold prison cell, my hands gripping those cold steel bars, not you.

  Even her, her of all people. ‘I’m at my wits-end’ I said.

  Thelma sighed, then shook her head. She turned to serve a customer.

  At lunchtime the sun came out, really hot, we went out onto the roof. Thoughtful as ever, Thelma had brought a big bag of fresh fruit off the market. ‘There’s apples, pears, bananas, pomegranates or plums’ she offered. She shook up the bag, then added ‘I’ll warn you now, the pears are as hard as bricks.’

  ‘Banana, I think – have you got a small one by any chance?’

  All of a sudden, then came the announcement I’d been dreading, distantly I could hear Eveline Walker’s high-pitched voice coming over the Tannoy – telling me I was wanted urgently.

  She repeated it twice. ‘Colin Quirke. Mr. Docket’s office rightaway – at once please.’

  Time to face the music.

  Thelma swallowed. ‘Right then’ I said, I handed her my partly eaten banana (suddenly I wasn’t very hungry). ‘Right then’ I repeated. Her eyes watered, she handed me a Kleenex to wipe my mouth. She gave me a tight smile.

  I tried making a joke of it ‘Promise you’ll write’ I said.

  She straightened my bow tie. ‘Good luck’ she whispered. I tried to smile, I felt more like weeping.

  Docket’s door loomed large in front of me. I knocked, ‘IN’ he yelled (he sounded rather angry you could tell). What else did I expect, I’d let him down badly – myself included come to that. He was over by the pool-table, lining-up a shot. I waited. He stooped, then sighted down the cue, going for the yellow. How I kept my mouth shut I don’t know (drop the blue then go for the red I’m thinking), (he missed by a country-mile). He shook his head, he scowled. Finally he looked up, he pointed to a chair. You could tell he wasn’t best pleased.

  I plonked myself down, then let out a big sigh.

  He sat down at his desk without speaking, his face impassive. He brought out a part bottle of whisky and two glasses out of the bottom-drawer.

  He splashed out two stiff drinks (he must’ve been reading my mind). He took a gulp, then winced.

  I did the same.

  He went straight into it, his face said it all ‘What in God’s name happened to you? That bloody phones red-hot. Moldgreen especially’ he said sharply. He stared, our eyes kind’ve bumped. ‘Sorry Aubrey’ I said in a low voice.

  ‘What in God’s name happened man?’ he repeated. ‘You held up the whole bloody committee man. Harry Heptenstal’s been of that chuffing phone three times. Nobody arses Harry Moldgreen about I’ll tell you that now.’

  He’s right, if there’d’ve been a stone handy I’d’ve crawled right under it. Mind you, his look was enough. You’d’ve thought I’d kicked over the piss-pot.

  Where to start – I even thought of telling him the truth for once. Oh sure, promotional suicide more like. I could just imagine it, pictures flashed through my mind:

  ‘As a matter of fact Aubrey, I’ve been stuck in a bloody police-cell.’

  ‘Well, we did wonder old chap.’

  ‘Um, suspected paedophile.’

  ‘You don’t say.’

  ‘Don’t worry – no actual proof, of course.’

  ‘Atta-boy – that’s the ticket. Well done Colin.’

  The older man’s water-blue eyes remained steadfast, he was waiting for some answers. I owe him that at least. Where to start? I shook my head, I looked at my hands.

  ‘Don’t even ask Aubrey’ I said.

  This is the trouble, he was asking (also, starting to look a bit impatient), ideas, my mind raced, hoping I could come up with something plausible – the only other alternative is to lie my head off. I said the first thing that came into my head. ‘Thelma’ I said. He stared. ‘I sent you an urgent message.’

  ‘What bloody message? I haven’t heard a dicky-bird’ says he.

  ‘Tarmac’ I said. I tried to look surprised, then tutted.

  His eyes widened, he scowled ‘Bloody tarmac?’

  Too late I’d said it. After that I’d no option: ‘No, what happened is we’ve been having the driveway resurfaced – I thought I’d mentioned it, no?’

  He waited, his head shook. ‘It’s turned into quite a saga’ I told him, getting into my lying stride – why not, it’s as good a tale as any (the more I thought about it the better I liked it). Aubrey’s hands went behind his head giving it his full attention. ‘Well, go on lad.’

  ‘No, what started it all off’ I said easily, swinging one leg over the other. ‘What a morning. First thing, I’m in the bathroom, having a careful shave, ready for my all important meeting over at County Hall. All of a sudden there’s this almighty big thud. Good lord! I called out to my dear wife. Good heavens – what in the world is that pet?’ He nodded (I was on a roll). ‘Crack of dawn, no warning. Then I remembered – I looked out of the window. OMYGOD – there’s twenty tons of red-hot asphalt stuck right in the middle of my driveway, I can’t even get my car out. That’s when I phoned Thelma to explain my predicament.’

  He looked really interested. ‘Taxi man, bloody taxi’ the older man interjected wetly, taking the stem of his glasses from his mouth. ‘You could’ve walked it twice over man’ he said testily, then adding ‘I’m counting on you so you’d better shape up.’

  He’s right, one thing for sure I’d lost points on that one.

  He’s right I owe him a lot. (What made it worse is rumour has it I was the only serious contender for the job anyway.) I said, ‘Mind you, those fellows, they are a law only to themselves, all it takes is a quick phone call, “Sorry mate, we’re a bit early.” Not a lot to ask is it?’ I wheedled staring at the carpet.

  He sighed, then shook his head. ‘Well, I haven’t heard a dicky-bird.’

  I looked up ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t get my message?’ He broke off cleaning his glasses, he shook his head. ‘Hah, more likely Thelma passed it on to your P.A. Ms. Walker I expect.’ I let it sink in. ‘Maybe she forgot’ (I’d hit nerve). ‘Oh dear, it was pretty important – she’s really slipping these days, don’t you think?’ I ventured. He gave me a look. ‘Well, in a way’ I said.

  His face slipped into sadness ‘Um. Maybe’ he said staring into his drink. ‘Between you and me and the gate-post she’s had a lot on lately poor girl’ he reflected, then added ‘Then there’s that distasteful episode with her guardian, of course.’ I kept nodding

  ‘Let them gossip – who cares, that’s what I say.’

  Only now, the latest is, rumour has it he’d set her up in a flat above his wife’s florist shop in town. She thinks she’s an exchange student from Tallin in Estonia, without even a word of English. Again, he sighed. ‘Nobody understands, people don’t know the half of it. Half the time the poor girl’s living right on the very edge of a mental precipice. She’s like a little flower, lost in the wilderness of a harsh unforgiving world.’ I nodded.

  ‘Hah, yes – it’s a bad job is depression’ I said.

  So far so good – not enough. You could tell by his face, he wanted more. ‘Don’t worry, I could really kick myself’ I said in a small voice.

  ‘It’s you who should be worrying’ he told me, glaring over his glasses.

  ‘I’m sorry for letting everybody down, I really
am.’

  ‘Mm, so you keep saying’ he muttered distractedly, running his finger down the phone-index. He sat back, tapping his pen. Finally, he shook his head ‘It’s Harry Moldgreen, he’s our main problem?’ he said grimly, then added ‘Heppy I can handle, we’re both in the same bowling-team – two pints and he’s anybody’s.’

  He read on, I nodded. Pity, I had big plans, my mind wandered … Just think, this might’ve been my own office, my own desk – not to mention the panoramic views from the top-floor windows. On a clear day you can see right over the whole park, even as far as DeLacey Street. Sunlight shafting through the trees in Autumnal splendour, glorious colours, chestnut-reds, mixed with bright yellows intermingling with myriads of browny-greens. Everything so peaceful, then in summer having the bay-windows wide open, listening to the sweet song of the blackbird …

  ‘ROTARY!’ Docket’s voice chimed into my thoughts with a jolt. (ROTARY?) B, dong (something about the Rotary). ‘Mind you’ he went on ‘Harry Moldgreen taking over as chairman won’t do any harm either.’ I stared. His next question shot out like a cork. ‘You’re still a member I take it? – good move Colin’ he says.

  ‘No, well – not as much as I’d like, you know how it is.’

  Luckily for me old Docket’s seldom visits were sparse and few. Hopefully the chances of him bumping into Inspector Sinfield were pretty remote. ‘You could do a lot worse’ he advised gravely.

  Somehow or other I knew I should be saying more:

  Happy days eh? ‘Even more when you were chairman, I never missed a meeting. Somehow or other it never seemed the same after that. Mind you, that was many moons ago’ (Aaaaghee – many moons ago). Luckily, I found the brake just in time.

  Meantime old Docket completely ignored me. Instead he tapped his pen (it helped him think). Finally he took off his glasses, then rubbed his eyes. ‘Best get yourself off’ he said tiredly. I did my deep sigh routine, ‘Doesn’t look too good eh?’

  I was waffling for England, and he knew it.

  He nodded towards the door, then pushed back his glasses. ‘Leave it with me, see if we can’t fix something up for next week.’ He gave me a look, then began to pick out numbers. I stared. ‘Well, only if you’re sure Aubrey’ I wheedled, on light feet I headed for the door. ‘Oh, by the way Colin?’ I turned. His eyes creased in the suggestion of a smile ‘What really happened I haven’t the foggiest idea – one thing for sure, it wasn’t anything remotely to do with tarmac.’