Mrs. Gray nodded encouragingly.
“But….”
“But what, dear?”
“It feels so disloyal to Thomas.”
“To marry so soon? Yes, I imagine it must. But the army has given you no choice, has it? No one would understand that better than a career soldier like Thomas Woolcott.”
“It is also something else,” continued Elizabeth, her voice so low that Mrs. Gray had to strain to hear. “I….” She cleared her throat. She had never spoken of such things before. “I find Sergeant Burke…not unattractive.”
There’s a fine way of putting it, thought Mrs. Gray, struggling not to smile.
“Surely that will be a helpful thing in your marriage, Elizabeth.”
“But I didn’t feel exactly the same way about Thomas, although I loved him very much.”
“Thomas was a number of years older than you, Elizabeth,” said Mrs. Gray matter-of-factly, for although she knew that the pain in Elizabeth’s voice was very real, she did not want her to make too much of her feelings. “Your desire for him would be bound to be different from what you felt for Thomas. Michael is young and handsome and even though I am happily married I find him ‘not unattractive’ also!”
“Then you don’t think I am terrible?”
“Not at all,” said the older woman briskly. “If you bring friendship and desire to your marriage, then love has a good chance to develop, don’t you think?”
Love was already present on Michael’s side, of that the colonel’s wife was sure, after seeing him with Elizabeth for the past two days. She also suspected that Elizabeth was close to being in love with him, but would hold back out of loyalty to Thomas. In time, things would sort themselves out, for if any two people were perfect for each other, it was these two, she was convinced.
“Come, my dear, they are only waiting for us.”
Michael had asked Joshua Elwell to be his best man. “But before ye stand up with me, would ye play a tune for us, Josh?” So Elizabeth walked into the parlor to the sweet strains of Elwell’s fiddle. Mrs. Gray had her by one arm and the colonel took the other, for she had asked both of them to give her away.
It was a short walk to where Michael was waiting, looking pale and nervous. His blue eyes fairly burned through her as she took her place by his side and her legs trembled as the chaplain began to read the marriage service.
Michael said a short prayer to himself, asking for forgiveness for not being married by a priest. Surely God would understand. There were no priests closer than Albuquerque and even if there had been, he didn’t know if he could have convinced Elizabeth into a papist ceremony. Perhaps someday, for his sake, they could have one of the Spanish friars marry them. For now, well, many a young couple in Mayo had had to wait weeks for a priest to sanctify their union.
They said their vows very quietly and Michael slipped a plain silver ring set with a green turquoise that he had traded a Navajo for months ago. It had had to be cut down by the blacksmith to fit Elizabeth’s finger. She looked up at him with shy pleasure. Clearly she had not expected him to produce a ring in such short notice.
“I hope you like it, muirneach,” he whispered.
“Oh, I do, Michael.”
They turned and made the short walk to the other side of the parlor, where Mrs. Gray had set up her good crystal and china. There was a light lunch, a small wedding cake, and even a bottle of champagne that the Grays had kept for a special occasion.
Joshua offered the toast. “Here is to Michael and Elizabeth. We wish them a long and happy union and many children!”
“Hear, hear,” said the Grays as they lifted their glasses.
Elizabeth was blushing furiously. Children. She hadn’t even thought of that. Of course Michael would want them. Did she? And could she give them to him? Had it been Thomas’s age or was it she who had been unable to conceive?
The colonel and his lady offered them their good wishes, Mrs. Gray joked that they must finish every last bit of food, and quickly too, for it must all be packed by this evening!
They all laughed. But it was true: the colonel and his wife were leaving the next day and Mrs. Gray had kept out her dishes just for the ceremony.
When they finally took their leave to walk to Michael’s, quarters, they were showered with rice by Mahoney and one of his friends.
“Corporal Mahoney!” Michael exclaimed.
“Congratulations, Sergeant Burke, Mrs. Burke, ma’am,” said Mahoney with a grin.
Elizabeth laughed and thanked him. “Now I feel like a real bride.”
When they got to Michael’s quarters, Michael took his hat off and a handful of rice fell out.
“Damn the boy,” he said with a rueful laugh….
“Oh no, Michael, it was very sweet of him,” Elizabeth said, but she could tell by the way Michael’s eyes were twinkling that he really wasn’t annoyed at all.
Elizabeth surveyed her new quarters.
“I’m afraid it isn’t what you’re used to,” said Michael apologetically. “Sure and it isn’t what I’m used to, but I am the one who’s moved up in the world!”
“So that is why you married me, Sergeant Burke!” said Elizabeth with mock indignation. “Just to get out of bachelor quarters?”
“And away from all that snoring,” he joked.
“Ah, but what if I snore,” she teased.
“Em, but ye don’t, do ye, Mrs. Burke?”
“I am not the one who snores, Sergeant. It seems to me that I remember you snoring at the kinaalda. Had I only remembered this earlier,” she said sadly, “I might have reconsidered your proposal.”
They laughed together, and Michael thanked God for their shared sense of the ridiculous. ‘Twould make the first night a little easier.
“Em, there is only this one room, the kitchen, and our bedroom,” he said. “I furnished it as best I could in the time I had. But we can choose things together.”
Elizabeth nodded, suddenly quiet.
“Shall I be showing you the bedroom?”
She nodded again and reached out for his hand. Hers was freezing cold and his heart sank. Día, what if she didn’t want him that way? Should he even be asking her for this tonight? But it was their wedding night.
The bedroom was so small that to Elizabeth’s eyes it was all bed.
“Em, there is a rod to hang your clothes on over there.” Michael pointed. “And I hung a curtain so that you would have some privacy.”
The “curtain” consisted of two old paisley shawls sewn together, and Elizabeth’s carpetbag stood beside it.
“Thank you, Michael,” she said, letting go of his hand. “I’ll get ready for bed now, shall I?” She slipped behind the curtain before he could answer. She had no special night rail for tonight, only her best cotton one. But Mrs. Gray had given her a beautiful silk shawl in a green that brought out the green in her eyes. As she slipped it over her shoulders, she could feel the delicate fringe brushing her arms.
When she stepped out from behind the improvised curtain, Michael wasn’t there. It felt anticlimactic to have thrown the luxurious shawl on to please him and not have him there to see, but as she slipped under the covers, she was mostly grateful that she did not have to face his eyes.
He returned only a minute later. “I wanted to make sure the dog was settled in for the night, Elizabeth. Em, I didn’t want him to disturb our evening.” Michael started undressing right there in the bedroom, although he kept his back turned. Just as he got down to his drawers, without thinking she blew out the lamp, leaving them in semi-darkness.
It was the night before the full moon and light was pouring in the bedroom windows. Elizabeth could see Michael’s outline as he stripped off his underwear. He turned and walked quickly over to his side of the bed and she lifted the covers to welcome him. Did he always sleep naked, she wondered, or was he naked because he intended to make love to her? It was a cool evening but for some reason she was feeling very warm and she let the shawl slip from her sh
oulders. She was sitting against the pillows. Should she keep sitting there? Should she turn to him? Away from him? She had never felt so flustered or so aware of any man’s presence before.
Michael sat next to her and, sliding his arm around her, pulled her against him.
“Em…we do not need to be doing anything tonight, muirneach. If you are feeling it is too soon after Thomas, I would understand.”
“Thank you, Michael,” she whispered, breathing a soft sigh of relief. Maybe they would never need to do “anything,” she thought, and she would never have to face her wild desire.
Michael’s hand was resting just above her breast and she felt a pleasant tingling in her nipple. Her own hands were folded in her lap, fingers plaited. She was conscious of his thighs, hairy and muscular, through the thin lawn of her night rail.
Michael loosened his arm and, lifting her chin toward him, ran his finger down her cheek and across her lips. Then he leaned down to give her a gentle kiss.
“Good night, Elizabeth,” he whispered.
She should have just whispered good night back and turned away and gone to sleep. It was all he seemed to expect, a good-night kiss. It would be foolish to reveal her desire to a man who had married her only out of friendship. And she didn’t love him. She couldn’t, not so soon after Thomas. But the light kiss wasn’t enough for her. She opened her lips under his and nibbled hungrily at the edges of his mouth.
It was as though they went up in flames at the same time. Michael made his kiss deeper and she answered with a hunger that she had hardly known was there, a hunger that must have been hidden in some dark corner of herself when she was with Thomas. As though she had shut it away years ago when she realized Thomas’s love sprang from satisfaction, not need.
“Elizabeth,” Michael whispered, pulling away for one agonizing moment, “if we go on like this I can’t promise to stop. I didn’t want to push you too soon.”
Her answer was to slide down and pull him with her.
His mouth soon wanted more and he started to massage her breast as he kissed her and then, opening the buttons of her nightgown, he lowered his head and began to tease her nipple with his tongue. Elizabeth gave a little moan and slid further under him, rubbing herself against him as he drew her breast into his mouth.
She could feel his hardness through her night rail, but she wanted to feel flesh against flesh, and she started to pull the gown up.
“Just a minute, mo muirneach,” he said, and letting go of her breast, he gently drew her gown off and settled on top of her.
She could feel his manhood resting on her belly and started to move against it. It felt so silky and soft and yet hard at the same time, and she wanted to keep rubbing against it. Except she also wanted him to rub against her, against that part of her that she was only now becoming aware of, and so she opened her legs and moved herself up so that the tip of him was caught just where she wanted it. Michael shifted himself up a little. “Ah, so that’s what you want, darlin’. Sure and I don’t know how long I can give it to ye, but I’ll try.”
He moved himself in circles, exerting only a little pressure, and Elizabeth thought she had never felt such exquisite pleasure. Then he groaned, and whispering “Sorry,” slipped down to enter her.
His entry was gentle, as his every move in this love-making had been, but once he was in her, the two of them began to move together in satisfying rhythm, faster and faster, until Michael gave a cry and collapsed upon her.
The pleasure had been so great that it took Elizabeth a minute to realize that she still wanted something, that she was still hungry. It was different than it had been with Thomas, but now it felt the same. Some part of her was alive and wanting more and that was the part she had shut away. But how could she shut it away again?
And then Michael shifted his body just a little, not withdrawing, but giving himself enough room to stroke her and she knew that she would not go hungry tonight, as she had so many nights with Thomas and never even known it. His fingers were like his cock, circling slowly and then quickly. But he was still in her. She pushed herself back into the mattress and up and up as though he were pushing her higher and higher. Which he was, until she was so high that all she could do was come down, down, into his arms, flowing over him as he had flowed into her.
She heard sounds she had never heard before and realized they were her own cries, involuntary and wordless. She clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder, dying of pleasure and embarrassment. Dear God, whatever would he say, whatever would he think of her? Her husband dead only a few months and here she was totally abandoned, opening her deepest desire to Michael when she had never done it with Thomas. She started to cry, from the release of it and the confusion of it, very softly, trying to stop, but unable.
“There, there,” murmured Michael.
Elizabeth wanted to say…what? Thank you, I’m sorry, I’ll never do that again, I’ve died from pleasure, I am so ashamed…. But all that came out was “Oh, Thomas….”
She could feel Michael pull back, although it was not physical distance that came between them. He took a deep breath and said, “Sure and ye would miss him now, when ye’re feeling what ye must have only felt with him.”
She wanted to say, No, that isn’t it at all, I never felt like this with Thomas. I was just thinking how sad it was we never had this. And how good it is that you and I have this, especially since we don’t have love. But he didn’t give her a chance. He pulled her close and they spooned together, his chin resting on the top of her head. But for all that you couldn’t have fit a feather between them, Elizabeth knew that the distance between them was greater than when they had begun to make love.
Chapter Thirty-one
The next morning, Michael awoke first. He was lying on his back and Elizabeth was on his chest, her head cradled by his right hand. He stroked her hair gently and felt himself getting hard.
Día, what was he to do? She had been so wonderfully responsive last night and then that crying out for her dead husband. He couldn’t put her through that again. Or himself, he added honestly. He had taken her in love, but he couldn’t tell her that. Someday, perhaps, but not now, when she was so newly widowed. And he didn’t want her remembering Woolcott, God forgive him. He wanted her thinking only of himself.
And yerself better relax, boyo, because ye won’t be doin’ anything this morning. Or any time soon, unless she wants it too.
It took a few minutes, but by the time Elizabeth stirred, he was limp again. Or almost.
She moved her fingers slowly through the black curly hair on his chest and when she lifted her head to look at him, he could see her expression shift from puzzled wonder to recognition. He wondered how long it would take for her to get used to waking up to him and not Thomas Woolcott.
“Good morning, muirneach,” he whispered.
“Good morning, Michael. Have you been awake long?”
“Oh, I’ve been lying here thinking for a few minutes. I’m wondering something, Elizabeth.”
“Yes?”
“I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better to wait a wee while before….” Hm, he didn’t have the words for it. “Em, before being like husband and wife as we were last night. I’m thinking maybe when you are ready and not missing Thomas so much, ye can let me know.” He paused and then pushed on. “What I’m tryin’ to say is I won’t be bothering ye until ye want me to.”
“I see, Michael.” She hesitated. “Perhaps you are right.” Oh God, she was so ashamed of herself. She had been afraid he would think her completely abandoned, but it was even worse. He thought her lost in memories of her husband’s lovemaking. And here she was, her hand resting on his flat belly, wanting to slide it down to his thigh and then up again, wanting to feel him lift under her fingers. What if she said, I want you now? He would think her utterly unfeeling, which was what she must be. How could she be wanting him so when Thomas was only gone a short time?
Michael had never been so grateful for reveille
in his life when the bugle sounded a minute later.
“Don’t get up, then, Elizabeth. I’ll get meself a cup of coffee.”
“No, I always got up for Thomas,” she said without thinking and then stopped. “I am sorry, Michael,” she whispered.
“Don’t be, Elizabeth. ‘Tis only natural for you to be remembering. We’ll work out our own ways, but for today, why don’t you rest a little longer.”
He was dressed and gone quickly and Elizabeth lay there until she heard him clatter down the front steps. Then she pulled her wrapper around her and went into the kitchen to let Orion in. At least that was a familiar ritual, something constant in her life, she thought as the dog gave her his usual ecstatic greeting.
“You can’t fool me, dog. You just want to be fed,” she told him as she did every morning. She put down a bowl of scraps and then warmed a biscuit for herself.
After breakfast, she didn’t take the time to wash the dishes, for it was the morning of the Grays’ departure and she wanted to help Mrs. Gray with last-minute packing and have some time to say a private good-bye.
“I hope your first night in your new home was a…comfortable one.” The colonel’s wife gave Elizabeth a teasing glance and the younger woman blushed and then busied herself with folding kid gloves and silk scarves into tissue paper.
“I know I shouldn’t be meddling, Elizabeth, but I care about you and I like Sergeant Burke. You did not feel physically repulsed by him, I hope?”
Elizabeth gave a short laugh. “On the contrary,” she admitted. “He is a very attractive man and that is the problem.”
“Surely not a problem, my dear?”
“Not in the…emotion of the moment, no…but I felt so disloyal to Thomas….”
“Of course you would,” said Mrs. Gray as she continued to place the tissue-wrapped packets in the top drawer of her trunk. “Thomas has only been gone a short time and if you experienced certain feelings with Sergeant Burke you had had with Thomas, well, then….”
“But I didn’t.”
Desert Hearts Page 24