‘Nicole, I’d like to get straight to the key questions, if I may? Life is short after all.’
‘Yes it is.’
‘So – about orgasms ...’
She laughed.
I wasn’t beating about the bush. ‘There are a lot of people that I’ve met in the course of my journey that are still telling me that real orgasms are vaginal. Your emphasis is the clitoris; can you tell me why please? Didn’t Freud teach that little girls like the clitoris and big girls like the vagina?’
Nicole smiles her huge smile and starts chatting, as if to her best friend, with her Californian accent. ‘I think all orgasm is clitoral. Whether it’s the back of the clitoris or the front. What’s important is the point of access and the point that you want is the bit where we know that 8,000 nerve endings are bundled. There’s a spot that we are directing our partner to if we say “a little bit to the left or the right”. That spot, for me, is where you plug into the body of a woman.’
‘All women?’
Naomi Wolf wrote in her book Vagina that women have different neural pathways and this leads to some having more nerve endings around the clitoris, and, according to Naomi anyway, some in different areas of the vagina, the perineum or the anus.
I get that, ‘All women?’ question a lot. Some women even say, ‘I’m pretty sure it’s not me.’ And so we have them do our practice starting wherever they think they feel most and then trying this spot and time after time it comes back to this spot in the upper left hand quadrant. I have never worked with a woman who has not had that spot light up.
‘How long have you been doing this work with women?’
‘Over 15 years.’
‘And how many women do you think you’ve seen in that time?’
‘Thousands.’
It’s hard not to be impressed.
‘How I feel about everything is: try it and see for yourself. Keep an open mind to a different possibility. I had good sex when I started all this but it was as if I’d been really good at aerobics and then I started yoga and there was this whole other dimension that was available. Previously I’d not even know that it existed. So I was shocked open.’
It’s hard not to like the sound of this. I can’t say that I had yet been ‘shocked open’. But I’d had glimmers of possibilities.
‘Very good, Nicole. So, “try it and see”. And how would you describe “it” exactly?’
‘You stroke the clitoris. That’s about it. The woman lies down. The partner strokes the upper left hand quadrant of the clitoris. “Up, down – up, down – up, down.” No more firmly than you would stroke an eyelid. For 15 minutes.’
‘No one can complain that it’s complicated, can they?’
‘They can’t. And it’s goal-less. We take the whole goal of reaching, striving for the climax away. The only thing to do is to feel. And as simple as it is, for many women – it ends up being the most profound experience that they’ve ever had.’
I’m glad she said ‘… ends up being’. ‘But it takes practice, doesn’t it? Just the same way breathing meditation does.’
‘It’s exactly the same with breathing meditation. You do this simple thing of focusing on your breath. Yet people do it for years to levels of unbelievable mastery. This is like that.’
‘Wonderful.’
Hard not to love the idea of being played like an instrument with a skill of ‘unbelievable mastery’. But what about the vagina?
‘I’ve been reading Naomi Wolf’s book, Vagina, as I said, and she has interviewed a number of psycho-sexual experts. She puts forward the view that there is a direct connection between the vagina and the brain. I understand that the body is all connected and everywhere is wired to the brain but she is saying, specifically if I have understood her correctly, that your earliest sexual experiences are formative in the way that your body gets mapped.’
‘Mmmm?’ Nicole is a much better listener than I am. I always interrupt whereas Nicole actually listens.
‘I was quite depressed by that because I started my sex life with a bad marriage and I think I numbed out a lot. So when I read her book I thought “Oh shit” because if that’s “mapped” and can’t be un-mapped then I’m a lost cause.’
‘Does she say that there is no way that the damage can be undone?’
‘She doesn’t state it directly but she certainly seems to suggest that a lot of the mapping is extremely formative. For example, in people who have been victims of sexual abuse or have been raped, she appeared to be suggesting that once the neural pathways are set up, we have been “programmed” a certain way….’
‘Ooo, I have some thoughts on this,’ Nicole replied enthusiastically. ‘Have you heard of neuro-plasticity?’
‘I read a book called The Brain That Changes Itself. It’s an inspiring book about the brain’s ability to re-wire itself after trauma.’
‘I’m a strong believer because I’ve witnessed it time and time again with this repeated practice. I think one of the primary reasons that you don’t see a lot of growth in a woman’s sexuality, if she has trauma, is that you don’t see any practices that actually reverse trauma. Look at the way many people view sex … under the covers, in the dark without talking. And then, as a woman, no matter what, I’m supposed to enjoy it. And if I don’t I’m still supposed to act like I do. Well, surely that can cause trauma? That’s terrible.’
I hope you have a taste for the black humour of the reality of many women’s lives here?
‘That makes sense. Terrible sense.’
‘Do you know the work of Dr Lori Brotto?’
‘Not yet.’
‘She looks at how mindfulness practices in terms of orgasm actually begin to shift the body. My experience has been that when you slowly and incrementally introduce change and you work with a woman’s body in a way where her body gets to direct how it goes – that experience begins to undo what may have been done. That’s the first part.’
‘Hmm.’ I say articulately.
‘The second part: the way I look at it – every woman’s mapping is beautiful and I seek to honour that with the practice and work with it. We often find that a lot of trauma ends up being fuel for awakening in terms of a woman’s orgasm.’
‘So you disagree that the programming is set?’
‘We say – “start where you are”. We notice that, progressively and incrementally, it gets better.’
This was good news. If people who have never had pleasure can learn to have pleasure, then there is hope for every woman who has a clitoris and wants to learn how to receive pleasure from it. And you don’t have to go to a therapist and talk about penis envy or things that happened to you as a child – you can grow through practising pleasure. What do you think of that, Sigmund?
‘I heard a story that you worked with a couple that hadn’t touched for 17 years.’
‘Eighteen actually. You want to know the terrifying thing? That’s common. I’d say that 50% of the couples that I work with enter and are sitting on opposite sides of the sofa. They don’t even know how to have that simple uncomplicated intimacy with each other. They’ve lost that. I think it’s because we’ve all been told that sex in marriage is supposed to be “natural”.’
‘Yes.’
‘Natural and spontaneous and everyone’s supposed to know how to do it and how to maintain it. It progressively dies out and we all seem to agree that if you’ve been together a long time that part of your relationship is going to die.’
‘That seems to be the most usual thinking.’
‘I refuse to believe that.’
It’s hard not to love this woman.
‘Good for you. So do I.’
‘I just taught at a university. There were 500 students in the auditorium and at one point in the evening a young girl stood up. She was trembling, and in a very shaky voice said, “Er, Ms Daedone – will you just make sure that all the men know where the clitoris is?” She was right. So I showed them a picture and said, “This is where
the clitoris is.” And I watched the guys looking shocked. So, just being exactly sure where to find it is pretty important information.’
I told her my favourite joke, and the story that I opened the book with, about the 53-year-old taxi driver. We sighed.
‘So, what about you?’ Nicole asked.
‘Me?’
‘Yes, you.’ Nicole smiled at me. I was obviously not going to get out easily.
‘Well, my partner and I have been doing the practice and I’ve noticed a shift in me from, “Oh my goodness, do I really want to do this? I’m sure I have some emails that I have to attend to …” to, at the end of the practice, saying to my partner, “This feels really good. Can you remind me that I really enjoy this?” So I look forward to it. But I’m running judgement on myself that I’m not having enough sensation.’
‘Say more?’
Aghhhh. Run away!
‘I find giving feedback to my partner hard as I’m sometimes not sure what direction I want to give.’
‘It’s a common problem for women.’
‘I like the exercise where the man asks questions and all the woman has to say is, “yes” or “no”. I love that. So if he says, “Would you like me to move to a firmer stroke?” I can manage to say “yes” or “no” although it’s still hard not to add “please and thank you” and “if it’s not too much trouble” in a British kind of way.’
‘Does it seem too much trouble to your partner?’
‘Not at all. He loves the practice. But I tell myself that somehow my sensation should be greater than it is.’
Basically, I should be hanging from the ceiling screaming with pleasure instead of lying contentedly on the floor enjoying the subtlest of sensation.
‘Yes, many women start with the idea that they are somehow doing it wrong. I tell the story about my first session … the fact is that all we are supposed to do is lie there … All I have to do is lie down … that’s it. It’s a goal-less practice. And I’m thinking, “I’m not turning him on. I’m not doing this right.” I remember actually thinking, “I’m not feeling enough. This should be deeper. I should be trembling …” I had all these ideas about what I thought my experience should be. I couldn’t find my damned orgasm.’
‘When you say “orgasm”, you don’t mean climax – you mean the entire orgasmic response?’
Nicole distinguishes between a climax – which is not where the practice puts the priority, and all other sensation. In this practice they call the entire experience of arousal your orgasm.
‘Right. What happens with the practice is that you get to experience. I have women that come to me and they say, “I didn’t feel anything.” I work with them on what I call the “green leaf” process.’
‘Yes, you write about just feeling one stroke. The green leaf process is focusing on the sensation one stroke at a time?’
‘Yes. And if you can do that then you can go the whole 15 minutes focusing on sensation.’
‘Yup.’
‘Women come to me and say, “I didn’t feel anything”.’ I say, ‘Nothing at all?’ And they say, ‘Well, there was this one moment where I saw God.’
‘I haven’t seen God but I enjoy the subtlety of just feeling one stroke properly and I enjoy the sensitivity of your writing and your understanding of what is a private and inner process. So I love it … so far.’
Yes, I can honestly say that it’s the most wonderful and most weird sexual practice ever.
‘On behalf of my readers who may be thinking, “What about the man?” I have lots of girlfriends who I think would love to do this practice but they may be thinking, “I certainly couldn’t do this with my current partner,” or, “I can’t find a partner.” And my question would be, “Does the partner matter?” The reason I ask this is that I know a tantra teacher called Hilly who is the person who recommended your book to me. She has had six different fathers of her six children. And I asked her, “When you were with father number six, did you sometimes find yourself missing father number two?” She said to me, “After a while I realized that they are all just different faces of the same God”.’
Nicole gasped with delight. ‘That’s a high-level practice. In yoga they teach beginning, intermediate and advanced. And I think that in the beginning it matters that he is safe and trusted. Because if he isn’t then your vigilance centre can’t go down.’
‘The “vigilance centre” is the part of your brain that is always on the lookout for you, checking that you are safe?’
‘Right. So you need to have someone that you feel safe with so that you can relax fully. A lot of women come to me and say, “What should I do?” and I tell them that when I first started the practice I didn’t have a boyfriend and so I called my ex and I said, “Look, we’re not going to get back together but would you like to try this practice?” Because I knew that I trusted him and I knew that he was safe. And we still have a practice – 14 years later. And we still aren’t romantic. But it’s a very deep and very intimate relationship. It’s a high-level practice to have the perspective that Hilly has – to see all men as different faces of the same God. I believe that ultimately her perspective is the truth. But in the beginning I say to women, start with someone who is safe. It certainly doesn’t have to be anyone who you feel is “the one”.’
I’m so bored of hearing this myth that there is one man or woman out there for us. I was surprised to hear the words ‘the one’ come out of Nicole’s mouth. As Tim Minchin says in his great song ‘If I Didn’t Have You’,12 it’s just statistically unlikely that out of 999,999 possible lovers there is just one who is designed for us. And then of course you have to believe in a conscious universe … a power that would then be responsible, logically, for all the bad things that happen to us.
‘Isn’t “the one” a Hollywood romantic myth, Nicole? Don’t you think?’
‘My feeling is “yes and no”. And I don’t know that there is a “the one” but I do know that, rather like when I had my first orgasmic meditation and I had an experience where something exponentially shifted – where I saw an entirely different location … Well, I know that that is possible with someone. You know the saying “phase transition” – where water is ice and then it melts and it turns to water, and then it evaporates? Well, you can have a phase transition experience with someone. It’s not just the next person who you fall in love with but someone who gives you a profoundly different experience of life.’
‘Ah, yes.’ I sighed. ‘Meanwhile I can imagine my reader friends reading this and thinking, “I can’t see Bert doing this.” But, as you write so beautifully Nicole, all men want to please their women and often they don’t have a clue. Like the taxi driver I spoke of.’
‘One of the reasons that we have de-coupled it from a lot of different societal notions is that you achieve a level of human connection without all the stories. And so you might be with “Bert”, your husband of 15 years, and maybe you’re not feeling super romantic with him … But that place of human connection – you can find it with OM and it nourishes you no matter what.’
‘Yes.’
‘But surely, to want to go this deeply you would only want to do this with … er … someone that you wanted to go this deeply with.’ I said, articulately.
‘Not necessarily. It’s a big deal to want to lie down and have “lovemaking”. I mean, you kind of have to have some kind of romantic feelings to do that, but to OM you can be doing the dishes one minute and then lie down and have plain nourishing human connection and then get up and finish the dishes. That for me is one of the beauties of the practice. You don’t have to feel that you’re in love, you don’t have to put any lingerie on, you don’t have to have this big story … you can just “be” with your partner.’
‘You don’t have to be in love with Bert then? Or anyone you stroke with or are stroked by?’
‘You don’t.’
‘Why would any woman want to have such a profound experience with a man that they are not in love
with?’
‘I think there are a number of reasons …’
‘Actually, I know the answer.’
I could hardly have been doing spiritual work for years and not know the answer.
Nicole smiles at me again excitedly. ‘What? I want to know what you think.’
‘As the spiritual teachers always tell us … the real journey is with yourself.’
‘You got it.’
So women, not one of us is broken. We just need to be handled right. And how to get to be handled right? Well, that is up to us. And men? Well, I certainly hope that there is no other skill that you’d rather have. I mean, surely this is better than making money or playing football? This is the power to make women very happy. This is a skill you learn and then apply to all your lovemaking. The skill of awareness, connection and focus. This is becoming a sexual magician.
• • •
As I left, Nicole suggested that we might be interested in having private lessons. Can you imagine? T and I could go to the home of a woman in London and she would coach us both. Is your mind boggling? I’ve been teaching for years the value of doing what scares you. So I must walk my talk. We have been doing the practice for months now and, to keep the analogy of the musical instrument going, I don’t want to get into any bad habits and maybe this woman would have just the tip we need to deepen the practice. T was less scared than I was about this. He made the appointment.
‘And I paid too.’ He tells me later when I read this back to him.
And he bought the future teacher a convertible. Well, he didn’t, but I’m sure he would have done if he’d had the money spare. Just to make really sure he was going to get her best attention.
Taking Lessons: How to Stroke and Be Stroked
A normal-looking house with a normal-looking door, but ringing the bell is a bit like seeing a therapist. After all we are here to have some aspect of our behaviour adjusted. The lady we are seeing is Justine Dawson. She is a slim, attractive blonde in her 40s who trained with Nicole in the US and is now in London teaching. She shows us into a small room and we sit and start to chat. Or at least, I talk a lot.
Sensation Page 8