Were you waiting for the climax? I told you, didn’t I? It’s not about the climax.
This has been one of those journeys where at the beginning I knew nothing and at the end I still know nothing. But I know more about what I know nothing about. We have some fun ideas of ways we can learn. And I hope you’ve enjoyed the journey with me. But please don’t write to me for sex advice because, as you see, I don’t have any. I hope, though, that the reading has been pleasurable.
The trouble with climaxes, as Nicole says, is that they tend to end the play. And in life there are never really any endings. After whatever it is that we do in bed, that we want to be enriching and sustaining for both partners, as Alexey says, we go to sleep, then we wake up and everything goes on. The day after my return from the US I had an appointment with Clare who is testing the renewed progress of my pelvic floor muscles. (After Barbara’s workshop, never again to be called ‘Kegels’.) Clare was not too impressed.
‘Still a bit sluggish aren’t they?’
‘Sluggish?’
‘We want the muscles to tighten totally and relax totally. That’s why we don’t recommend doing these exercises with anything inside like a vibrator or those metal things that you have to squeeze. We want the muscles to come together completely but also to be able to relax. Also we don’t want the muscles to just be pulled up. We want them “up and forward”. Can you feel here?’
I squeeze even harder.
‘Yes, that’s better. But you’ve also got to learn never to hold your breath when you’re squeezing and not to use your abs at all. Next time we’ll put you on the biofeedback machine. Now that you understand the different muscle groups better you’ll benefit from seeing the biofeedback. But this will take six months you know.’
‘Six months?’
‘It’s like any exercise programme. You can’t expect your muscles to change shape in a matter of weeks. If you go to the gym you’re not going to change your body shape without real hard work. This is the same.’
‘I see.’
‘But are you noticing any change?’
I honestly think that I am. When T and I last made love I’m sure I felt him inside me in a way that I’ve never felt him before. I felt as if I could feel the shape of him better. I may have made this up and it may have been just my imagination – but I honestly don’t think so because it was unexpected. I hadn’t been looking for a feeling like that … so why would I imagine it? T hasn’t been doing any exercises to increase his size – so if I can feel him better then it can only be because I’m more toned. I explain all this to Clare.
‘So, it does genuinely seem to be increasing my pleasure – even if they are still, “sluggish.” Great word, Clare. And after I’ve been doing these exercises five times a day? “Must try harder.”’
‘They’re not that bad compared to some of the women I see. Sometimes they can’t register a movement on the machine or on my finger. I see lots of women here that have never had orgasms of any kind.’
‘Not of any kind at all?’
‘Nope. Women often tell me this.’
Now maybe the women who end up going to see Clare are women who have never toned these muscles and so therefore are a group of women least likely to have had orgasms. But all the same … come on, women! Pleasure isn’t supposed to be an optional extra in life. There are so many ways to learn. So many courses, doctors, teachers, even – as I was hearing in New York – masseurs that offer ‘happy endings’. Even though it’s not about the climax, it’s good to have a happy ending sometimes or to at least have that possibility. It’s not about the man. It’s about taking responsibility for your own pleasure. You’ll be dead soon.
I recommend that everyone move pleasure up the agenda of what’s important. Because pleasure (I say radical things sometimes) feels good and can make you happier. And if you’re happier you’ll be a better mother, father, wife, husband, son, daughter, lover or friend. You’ll simply be better to be around. Now which path you go down, that’s up to you. As long as it’s adult and consenting and everyone is truthful to everyone else. Truth, for me, is an essential part of love and love is what’s it all about. Sex is just one more way to express love. ‘And is Dr M expressing love?’ you may ask rather cynically. Well, I’ve never met him. But I’d say, ‘Yes’.
It’s not the fairy-tale kind of love. Not I-own-you-so-I’mclingy-and-jealous-and-I-want-you-all-to-myself-for-ever-and-better-not-touch-another-person-ever-or-you’ll-have-to-lie-about-it kind of love. But – and you can laugh at me if you like – I’d say it’s part of the kind of love that is in everything and everyone. It’s a shame that some of the women who go to Dr M feel that they have to lie to their husbands. Some of those husbands may be having affairs and lying back. I don’t judge anything anymore. But I see what Dr M does as loving. And what Alexey does and what happens at the Inns of Court at the weekends. I see love everywhere. Maybe I’ve done too many seminars and listened to too many spiritual teachers.
And what about my relationship with T, you ask? Am I about to give you a scene where we walk along the beach into the sunset? Endings of books are always tricky because we have such a need for a happy conclusion. Just think how satisfying it would feel if I wrote, ‘T and I are going to get married, move in together, and we’ve been to Battersea Dogs Home to rescue a couple of unwanted hounds. And you’re all invited to the romantic happy ending which will be held at ...’
I’d love to write that to give you that warm, fuzzy endof-book feeling. And did you know that books with happy endings actually sell more? Ha ha. This is fine for writers of fiction and is the reason that some writers of non-fiction make them up anyway. I’m not making anything up. I like real life. It’s harsher but true. It’s wakes us up. It’s well … real. And real life is often a little more complicated than fiction.
Even when life does give fairy-tale endings, they are really joyful beginnings, aren’t they? There is a real relationship and a real sex life to sustain and to enjoy in the years that follow. And that’s what this book has been about. It’s about after happily ever after.
I have no idea about the future any more than you do. There is only today. You know this.
‘And “T”?’ you enquire. So I ask him.
‘How was this year for you? I remember at the beginning of the year you said that you already knew everything.’
‘Hmmmm. Yes. Well, now I know a little less’
‘Or maybe we know a little about what we know nothing about?’
‘I think that’s the safer conclusion. And the one with the most potential. Do you have any plans for Friday night?’
It’s been four amazing seasons. And hopefully you know that with each, er, book, it’s the joy of the ride that counts.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this one and learnt some useful stuff that maybe one sunny day or cosy night you can share with someone. Thanks for listening. A good listener is also a good lover, remember. Write me to me online or on my Facebook page. May your bed be always warm – whether it’s a lover or a hot water bottle that warms it. Keep breathing. And thank you.
xxx
www.isabellosada.com
NOTES
1 You can see the altar at: http://www.pinterest.com/isabellosada/sensation/
2 Women’s courses at www.shaktitantra.co.uk
3 Song lyrics by Libby Roderick.
4 The first ever TED talk to go viral from Jill Bolte Taylor: www.ted.com/talks/jillboltetaylorspowerfulstrokeofinsight
5 Uta Demontis, The Jade Egg Practice – Sexercises for your Love Muscle (Uta Demontis, 2015)
6 Visit Deborah’s site to find out more: http://www.isismedia.org
7 http://pinterest.com/isabellosada/ecstasy/
8 www.manawa.co.uk
9 Find details for the workshop at: http://www.shaktitantra.co.uk/mixed
10 See the Sensation Pinterest page again – there is a pencil drawing of the correct position for OMing there: http://www.pinterest.com/isabellosada/sensati
on/
11 The OM/OneTaste websites: UK – www.turnonbritain.co.uk, US and International – www.onetaste.us
12 ‘If I Didn’t Have You’ by Tim Minchin. www.youtube.com/TimMinchin/If
13 www.sophiawallace.com/cliteracy-100-natural-laws
14 www.isabellosada.com/isabel-recommends/poems/Mary-Oliver
15 http://anandawave.tantramassagen.de/ausbildungseminare
16 www.tantrictherapy.co.uk
17 http://www.nityama.com/blog
18 http://www.sashacobra.com
19 www.rachaelis.com
20 www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home
21 http://www.lucyslusciousrawchocolate.co.uk
22 http://www.haskeladamson.blogspot.co.uk
23 If you, or anyone you know, suffer from vaginismus there is a wealth of information at www.vaginismus.com or please do go to your GP.
24 www.shesaidboutique.com
25 Bondage/Discipline Dominance/Submission Sadomasochism
26 www.dossieeaston.com
27 www.drewlawson.co
28 Anne Novak, Breath of Fire (Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan ®). See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V86Xao9bcRI
29 www.buteyko.com
30 Breath & Energy Orgasm/Barbara Carrellas. See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEznv88LfbY
FURTHER READING
There is a lot of reading out there. Here are some books that I read this year in alphabetical order by author:
The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand (Tarcher, 1989) If you want to study tantra in detail and have time that you can dedicate to developing real skill, then this book is an essential guide.
How to Think More about Sex by Alain de Botton
(Macmillan, 2012)
He’s fantastically weird.
Ecstasy is Necessary: A Practical Guide by Barbara Carrellas (Hay House, 2012)
Very ‘American’ (for US readers, read very ‘Californian’) but excellent if you wish to learn to take more erotic risks in your life. Excellent on values, how to establish and expand boundaries, communicate wisely and expand what Barbara would call your ecstatic life experience – which she doesn’t limit to sexuality.
The Multi-Orgasmic Couple by Mantak Chia (HarperCollins, 2000)
This book is written from the male perspective, but Mantak Chia is one of the leaders of the field and is especially good with practices for men on how to separate orgasm from ejaculation.
Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone (Grand Central, 2011)
The textbook in case you’d like to try Orgasmic Meditation (OMing) at home. Also some wonderful writing on what women want from men and what men want from women.
The Jade Egg Practice: Sexercises for Your Love Muscle by
Uta Demontis
Liven up your PC workouts or your yoga practise by combining what you do with some of Uta’s jade egg exercises. Life is short after all:-)
The Brain that Changes Itself by Dr Norman Doidge (Viking, 2006)
This is the book about neuro-plasticity that I refer to.
Not a hard read. Although not specifically about sexuality, this book explains how the brain and the body learn to re-wire themselves. This is why practise in any new experience of pleasure works. Whether your method of learning is more like Nicole’s, more like Alexey’s, with just your partner at home or if you want to go off and explore. Also inspiring if you know anyone who has had a stroke or suffered brain damage of any kind.
The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (Virago, 2001)
I’d already seen the play some years ago but it didn’t impact like reading the book. If you or your daughters haven’t read this, I’d say it’s pretty essential education for women. And men too.
Fear of Flying by Erica Jong (Martin Secker & Warburg, 1973) Finally got around to reading this 1970s epic, as I was curious to see what all the fuss had been about. It’s an enjoyable and easy read. Rather what today we’d call ‘chick-lit’ about a gutsy New Yorker who runs away from her husband to search for ‘the zipless fuck’.
A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon (Knopf Doubleday, 2000) Recommended by Nicole Daedone and popular in the OM community, this challenging book by three eminent psychiatrists explains what is meant by ‘the limbic connection’, how it works, can be trained and the implications of this in our lives.
I’d recommend to anyone who wants to understand why they may fall in love with the ‘wrong’ people. My only regret is that it is rather too good on explaining the nature of the problem and thinner on what can be done about it, other than to have traditional therapy – but even that comes with a warning that you need to find a sane and balanced therapist. But good reading if you struggle to understand your own behaviour.
Tantra: The Cult of the Feminine by Andre Van Lysebeth (Red Wheel, 2002)
A little lengthy, and the late Andre used far too many exclamation marks, but a wonderful overview of the cult of the feminine in history and includes an entire chapter on how to strengthen the sexual muscles. A little hard to find and expensive but a must-read for anyone with a genuine interest in the history of tantric practice.
The Great Wall of Vagina by Jamie McCartney (Jamie McCartney, 2011)
This book contains not only breath-taking photos of the vulva casts that make up Jamie’s ‘Great Wall’ but the story of the creation of the Wall and the responses of the women involved in the project.
How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran (Penguin Random House, 2011)
I would make this book compulsory reading for every woman under 30 and recommended optional reading for women aged 30–100. The conclusions of her chapter on porn are so brilliant that I would like to have quoted about three pages in full. Also a fun and easy read and will make you laugh. In the unlikely event of you not having read it yet … I recommend it.
The Diary of Anaïs Nin: Volume One 1931–1934, Volume Two 1934–1939, Volume Three 1939–1944
If you want erotic inspiration for your life, immerse yourself in Anaïs Nin. Here is a taster … a page of quotes from her. www.thoughtcatalog.com/christinestockton/2013/09/41-completely-badgirl-anais-nin-quotes
Girls & Sex by Peggy Orenstein. (HarperCollins, 2016) When people say ‘this book saved a life’ it’s usually an exaggeration. I can honestly say that I put my own daughter’s life and happiness in danger when she was a teenager by not having read this book. If you have a daughter, you simply must read this book. You’ll understand why I express this so strongly when you’ve read it. It’s not a fun read. But it’s very important. Especially for parents of girls.
Tantra: The Supreme Understanding by Osho (Rebel Publishing, 1997)
No matter what your thoughts are about Osho, he can explain the more esoteric aspects of tantric thought better than anyone. This book is a series of talks that he gave on Tilopa’s (988–1069) ‘The Song of the Mahamudra’, which is a teaching from Tantric Buddhism.
Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson (Destiny Books, 2004)
As you may remember, this is one I haven’t read. But if you want to know what a ‘Valley Orgasm’ is apparently it’s all in here. Write and let me know …
Yoni Massage: Awakening Female Sexual Energy by Michaela Riedl (Destiny Books, 2009)
If this subject has confused or interested you then you can read more about it here (she also talks about the Breath Orgasm, which she calls ‘The Big Draw’). Or, of course, you can go to Germany and learn more. My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor (Penguin Books, 2008)
Not specifically about sex unless you believe, as Alexey teaches, that sex and love are all about energy, in which case this book will help you understand what Jill means by the phrase ‘please be responsible for the energy you bring to this place’. With all the language centres in her brain damaged, when someone came to visit her in hospital all Jill experienced was their energy. A great read too.
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (Viking, 2005)
If all that conversation about ‘ego’ and ‘
Advaita’ and us not being ‘our conditioned self’ lost you, then you may like to read A New Earth – or The Power of Now. Great spiritual reading if you don’t know how to switch your thoughts off or to realize that they don’t matter.
The Kama Sutra by Vatsyayana
Am delighted to discover the charm in this 2,000-year-old Hindu text. A surprisingly small amount of this sutra is about sex. A lot of it also has other useful practical advice such as how to keep your harem happy, how to break into the king’s harem to make love to his wives and how to get as much money out of your clients as possible if you’re a professional.
Vagina by Naomi Wolf (Virago, 2013)
An important book which is both extensively researched and courageously personal. Ultimately I’m not sure that I agree with Naomi on some points but it’s a very important read, especially on the subject of the history and subjugation of women’s sexuality.
Promiscuities: An Opinionated History of Female Desire by Naomi Wolf (Random House, 1997)
Naomi writes about growing up as a young woman with a sex drive. I wish I could have given this book to my daughter and her friends when they were all 16. If you have a daughter you may like to read this book. And if you are between 15 and 25, I recommend that you read it yourself.
Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire by Lama Yeshe (Wisdom Publications, 1997)
This book is not about any tantric sexual practices but about Tantric Buddhism. If you really want to understand about desire (not just sexual desire but all desire) and how tantra teaches that you can take that energy and utilize it for your greater happiness – then the late Lama Yeshe speaks on this in his clear introduction to tantra. Then it becomes less clear.
Some Viewing
TV: Masters of Sex
If you didn’t catch this excellent American TV series it’s absolutely worth paying £2.49 an episode to watch it at home. (Please don’t download illegally – people in the arts need their work supporting.) The series is about the life of the sex research pioneers Masters and Johnson, and manages the perfect combination of drama, entertainment and genuine sexual education.
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