by Erin Trejo
“Shannon, everything is gonan be ok.” Bomber leans down, pulling me into his arms the best he can, given my situation.
“Why? Bomber, why my baby!” I scream as much as I can. My body hurts. My heart hurts. The one good thing I had was taken from me. What kind of cruel world would do that after everything I’ve been through?
What kind of God is there if he let that happen to me?
“I’m gonna find the people that did this, Shannon. I’m gonna make them pay,” he promises me but that does little to ease the ache in my heart.
My baby is gone. That piece of my life is gone. I will never know what he or she looked like. I will never get to see them take their first breath, or their first steps.
“Get out,” I whisper softly when he holds me tighter.
“Get out!”
Chapter 32
Sebastian
Hate and anger, are things I know all too well. The dark always seems to find me.
“I take it you’re the goddamn father by your reaction in there!” Bomber roars when he steps into the waiting room. I drag my eyes up to meet his and I see the rage. The guys all look around but they know shit’s about to get real.
“Fuck you,” I mumble. I’m not in the mood for this shit. I just lost my kid—I almost lost Shannon.
Before I can think about it, I’m being yanked out of my seat by my neck. Bomber’s fist collides with my face. I don’t have it in me to fight back. I don’t have the strength.
I let him hit me. I let him take that anger out on me.
“Enough!” Micah roars, as the guys pull him off me. I wipe the blood that now coats my skin before I look up at him.
“You are a dead man! I warned you. All of you… not to touch her!” He points at me. I might as well be dead. I feel it.
“You know what. I don’t care. Kill me. Get it the fuck over with!” I growl moving toward him. Bullet puts a hand on my chest, forcing me back a step. “I just lost my kid! I could have lost Shannon. You think I give a fuck what you want to do to me!” I roar. Security steps into the room but Dax just moves them along.
“You fuckin’ messed with her and got her pregnant, Bash! You, of all goddamn people! What the fuck!” Bomber is beyond pissed. I know how he feels. I felt it toward myself after that first night with her.
“Fuck you, Bomber! Shannon’s good for me. I may not have wanted that baby at first, but fuck! I came around to that idea. I wanted it! I wanted somethin’ good in my goddamn life! Shan is good! She’s my good! You don’t fuckin’ like it, FUCK. YOU.” I grind my teeth before shoving Bullet off me.
I stalk down the hall toward her room before I actually lose it. I’ve never cried. It wasn’t a part of who I was. Losing my child, that is something no one should ever have to feel. I feel it. Like a lead fucking weight sitting in the middle of my chest.
I walk in and see Shannon crying. My heart breaks further.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Shan.” I move toward her, wrapping my arms around her as best I can. I hold her tightly as she cries. Her body shakes with each sob.
My heart crumbles with each tear she sheds.
“What do I do now? Nothing will ever be the same, Bash.”
“I know, darlin’. I fuckin’ know. I love you so much, Shan. I’m so sorry,” I cry with her. I cry with the woman that holds my fucking heart in her hands. I cry with the mother of my child. A child that we will never see grow up.
I cry with the light that brightens the dark in me.
I cry for the girl that I can feel slipping away as we speak.
Chapter 33
Shannon
Hospitals are a fucking joke. I was so glad to get out of that hell, but now I’m in another hell.
Uncle Bomber has launched an all-out search for whoever did this to me. I’m glad that he’s looking for them. A part of me wants that revenge. A part of me doesn’t. What’s it going to prove?
I lie in bed most days just thinking about what I lost. We found out the baby was a girl. Bash cries…. He cries every night. I hear him leave the room or go into the bathroom where he thinks I don’t hear him but I do. I hear him talk to himself, too. He always says he’s a bad person. He should have known better.
I don’t want him here. I don’t want him near me. In my own selfish way, I blame him. I blame this club. I blame everything about Knights of Sin.
They keep saying that it had to be club related. That only makes me hate them even more.
I haven’t eaten in a while. I barely drink. I find myself wondering what I have to live for now. The one thing I wanted the most was that baby. I know I didn’t at first but that changed. I wanted her, and now I will never have her.
“I brought you a sandwich,” Trinity says as she sits on the edge of my bed. There’s another thing, I haven’t spoken in weeks either.
I don’t have the urge. I don’t want to. What is there to say? I just want to be left alone but that never happens. Someone is in here around the fucking clock and it pisses me off.
“I can get you something else if you’d like,” Trinity offers but I shake my head. I don’t want her here. Why can’t she just leave me alone.
“Your mom seemed nice. She wanted to stay but Bomber made them go. I’m sure you’re happy about that,” she says as she straightens up the room. I close my eyes and wish her away.
Why do people feel like they have to hover?
“She sent more flowers. Bomber said to leave them out in the main room or they would overrun your room. Bash brought you the roses, though. I see he snuck them in.” I look at the vase next to the bed.
What the hell are flowers supposed to do? What are they supposed to fix? They won’t bring her back. Nothing can.
“Aubrie said that your wounds are healed up. She said that everything looks good.” I know what she’s trying to say.
“I guess I’ll leave this in case you decide to eat,” she says sounding defeated. I watch her walk out the door. I don’t care either. In fact, I hope I hurt her feelings so that she doesn’t come back in here. I don’t want her here. I don’t want any of them in here.
I just want to be left alone. I hear the door open again and I let out a sigh. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep when I feel the bed shift. It isn’t Bash, though.
Is it weird that I’ve come to know the guys by their weight on the bed?
Link lies down and curls up against me. He wraps his arm around me like he always does.
“You’re scarin’ the hell out of all of us, darlin’. We just want you back.” He sighs when I don’t answer him.
“Bash is losin’ his mind without you. I never thought I’d be sayin’ that. He looks like a kid that didn’t get the last piece of cake.” I smile at that one.
“We all need you, Shannon. Fuck, I miss you too. I come in here and for the first time ever, I wished I’d find you on that bathroom floor. At least I’d know you were movin’.” I hate that I feel the way I do. I hate that I feel like this but there is nothing I can do about it.
I just want to let the darkness swallow me whole.
Chapter 34
Sebastian
I pull the trigger and watch the asshole fall to the ground before moving to the next.
“You got anything to say?” I ask. He shakes his head before I pull the trigger again. Blood splatters and my senses soar.
Since losing the baby, this is me. This is what I’ve become, yet again. I guess I slipped back into my old ways. I let the darkness suck me back in and that’s where I stay.
Nights are the worst, though. I know Shannon doesn’t need me around but that doesn’t stop me from going in there anyway. I find myself crying. Fucking crying like a bitch over a life I was never supposed to have created anyway!
“You about done?” Bullet asks me. I glance over and shake my head with a smile on my face.
“Not even close.” I know they hate me. I know they all hate what I’ve become. I can’t help it though. It’s who I was destined to be
. I can’t change that and honestly, I don’t want to anymore. I know Shannon is in there somewhere but she won’t be able to pull me out of it this time. I won’t let her. I don’t deserve that.
“College campus you little fuck! Who was it!” I roar at the third and final prospect that I picked up from another club. Yeah, I’m running through them all until I find out who did this to her. To us.
“I don’t know anything! We aren’t that stupid, man. We wouldn’t hit a college in the daylight!” he screams like a girl.
“I don’t give a shit what you say. I want to know who did it!” I roar.
When he starts to open his mouth, I pull the trigger. He isn’t telling me shit.
“Can we go now?” Bullet bitches behind me. I spin around, aiming the gun at his head.
“You know, I’m about sick of your goddamn whinnin’. I didn’t ask you to come, motherfucker!”
Bullet watches me, a slight smirk on his face. Bastard.
“I get it, Bash. I get that you’re hurtin’, brother. I get that you want who did this. Fuck, we all do! But this shit? You are gonna start a war that we aren’t ready for. You are just pullin’ at anything right now.” He doesn’t know shit. He doesn’t feel the pain I fucking feel. He doesn’t know the loss that eats me up at night.
“You don’t get it. Have you lost a kid, Bullet?” I slowly lower my gun as he shakes his head. “Then you don’t get it. That fuckin’ emptiness eats me alive. That place where my kid should be… it’s empty. There’s nothin’! I fuckin’ hate that feelin’, Bullet. I hate that I can’t make this right for Shan. I hate that I can’t fuckin’ be what she needs when she needs me the most!” Bullet walks toward me, slowly and cautiously.
His hand comes to rest on my shoulder, he looks me in the eyes.
“She’s fallin’ apart. So are you. One of you is gonna have to be the stronger one in this situation, Bash. She can’t. She doesn’t have the strength. She hasn’t eaten in almost a week. She barely drinks. The girls are all scared shitless that she’s gonna die before she has the chance to get better. You have to be the strength she needs. You are the only one that can get through to her.” As much as I’d like to be that person, I don’t know that I can be.
Too much has happened. Too much has been lost. I’m afraid I lost her.
“What if she doesn’t want me, Bullet? What if this was the last straw for her? I lost my kid, brother. I don’t know that I can handle losin’ her, too. I feel like I’ve been dropped back into hell. She pulled me out once but I don’t think it can happen twice.” That’s the first time I’ve admitted that to anyone but myself.
Bullet sighs before he says, “I get that. And I don’t think Shannon is gonna be all the light she was anymore either. I don’t think she can pull you back any more than you can push her to be that light. I think that you’re gonna have to find that middle ground.”
I don’t know if he’s right. I don’t know if there is a middle ground for us anymore.
So much has been lost and taken from us. I don’t know that either of us will make it out of this.
Chapter 35
Shannon
Like every other day, the door opens and closes. Food is set on the table next to the bed. I don’t move. I don’t speak. I still don’t want to.
I feel the bed shift and see Aubrie.
“You take all the time you need to heal from this. If anyone understands, it’s me. I didn’t have the luxury of lying in bed, though. I had to find my way faster than that. It hurts like no other pain. Nothing can touch that feeling. You have to eat, Shannon. You will die. We can’t lose you, too. Even though you feel like this is the end, it’s not... I would know. Just be strong for yourself and no one else.” She leans down kissing my cheek as a tear slides from my eye. I know she lost her baby, too. I know it was hard on her. She told me the stories.
“Don’t worry. She’ll come around.” I hear Bash. Aubrie stands and Bash takes her spot. I hear the door close before I open my eyes and look up at him. He just sits there watching me.
“I’ve thought about this shit. You ain’t leavin’ me, too. I can’t handle that.” He reaches down and pulls me up and sits me in his lap. He reaches over and grabs a bowl and spoon. He basically forces my mouth open shoving the broth in.
I give up and let him feed me a little. I don’t want it but I have a gut feeling he isn’t going to leave until I do. This will just get him out faster.
After he’s shoveled in all I can handle, he sets the bowl back on the table.
“I will do this every goddamn day until you come back to me,” he says. I know he will. Bash isn’t a liar.
He lifts me in his arms before climbing off the bed and walking us into the bathroom. He turns the shower on before standing me on my weak legs. He slowly begins to undress me and then himself, his eyes traveling my body.
It’s the first time I’ve been naked since the attack. Since she died.
I catch a glimpse of the scars that run across my stomach. The ones that took my baby away from me.
Tears pool in my eyes. That’s what took her life. That’s what took her away from us.
Bash’s eyes find mine in the mirror, slowly following them down to my stomach. He wraps his hands around me, running his fingers over them as I cry harder.
“I hate you!” The words rip out of my throat before he leans down and presses a kiss to my shoulder.
“I know, baby. I know you do.”
“I hate you!” I scream louder this time. Bash holds me in his arms tighter before lifting me and climbing in the shower. He slides us down the wall until we’re sitting. His arms stay wrapped around me. His lips still kissing my shoulder.
“I hate you, Bash! I fucking hate you!” The words seem so easy to say. It all feels too easy. Easy to blame him. Easy to hate him even though it wasn’t directly his fault.
“I know, baby. I fuckin’ hate me, too. Hate me, Shannon. HATE. ME. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t fuckin’ torture yourself. Just... fuckin’ hate me.” I can hear the tears. I don’t miss the sob that escaped him.
I close my eyes and cry as he holds me closely.
And I do it.
I hate.
I let myself hate Bash.
Chapter 36
Sebastian
She needs to hate me. I’ll let her, too. I hold her and I let her hate me. It was inevitable. I knew it was coming.
Nothing good was ever meant for me. I wasn’t supposed to have that baby and I sure as hell ain’t supposed to have Shan.
She cries harder than she ever has before. The water falls over us but I don’t move. I let her grieve and hate.
I always had a feeling in the back of my mind that none of this would play out the way I wanted it to. After pushing her so far, though, I thought I’d gotten past that. I did get past that. I let myself believe that there was something redeemable in me. I knew it was a lie. I should have never let myself fall that far.
I run my fingers over the scars on her stomach and the ones on her chest. I let them linger there. Reminding me of everything I can’t have. Reminding me that I can’t be what she needs—but I will for damn sure make sure she gets better.
Her life means more to me than my own. She deserves her shot at happiness.
When her cries slowly calm, she turns her head to look up at me. Her red, puffy eyes, burn deep into my soul.
“Why me? Why us? Why was it our baby that they had to take?” The question sends a stabbing sensation through my heart.
“I don’t know, Shannon. Maybe it’s for all the bad shit I’ve done. Maybe this is the devil’s way of keepin’ his hold on me. By takin’ everything I was gonna have.” She blinks but there’s a lost look in her eyes. She was good. She was pure. I took that away from her.
“What if we’re the same. What if we aren’t meant to have anything good?” God, how can she even think that?
“You’re not like me, Shannon. You deserve to be happy. Trust me, you deserve good things.�
�� She shakes her head before she turns in my arms. She wraps her legs around my waist and sits on my hardening dick. It’s wrong. It’s beyond wrong... but I can’t help what she makes me feel.
Her hands come up to cup my cheeks before she licks her lips, a serious look in her eyes.
“All I’ve dreamt about since she died is blood. I want to kill someone, Bash. I want them to hurt the way I hurt. That can’t make me a good person.” I sit there and look into her eyes. She’s serious.
“You’re hurt, baby. That’s all. Your heart hurts. It makes you think you want to do things.” She shakes her head quickly.
“No. I feel it, Bash. I feel it like I feel the beat of my heart.” She’s losing her mind. I knew she was lost but this is taking it to a whole other level.
I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to respond.
I do the only thing I can. I lean in, pressing my lips to hers. I wait for her to push me away. I wait for her to stop me.
She doesn’t.
In fact, she kisses me back harder, and with a fierceness that I never want to end.
Shannon raises up, grabbing my dick in her hand. She positions me where she wants me and I stop moving.
“We don’t have to do this,” I whisper against her lips.
She slides down my length, a hiss escaping me.
“I need it. I might hate you… but I still love you.” Shannon rides me hard. Her hands on my shoulders, nails digging into my skin so deliciously.
I wrap my arms around her waist, forcing her to take all of me. I need this, too. I need to connect with her.
Chapter 37
Shannon
God, I’ve missed this. Missed him. The feel of him. The way my insides turn to mush for him.
The way my heart speeds up when he touches me. The man himself.
He holds me tightly, letting me ride him and take him the way I want to. He doesn’t force me to do anything I don’t want.