by Madeline Ash
“Would a cat by any other name still act like a complete—”
“Parker,” she said, unnerved by the animal’s unblinking stare. Wriggling out of his surprisingly firm gasp, she eased off him and stood. “She’s not the one with bad manners.”
He stood beside her, frowning.
“You’re never home,” she said, running a hand over her brow. She was flushed and sweaty. Her pulse beat as smooth as syrup, spreading sweetness to languid muscles. “I’ll bet you only swing by to feed her. You want her to show affection, you have to as well.”
Parker looked affronted. Then he gestured between their sex-slicked bodies. “Are we seriously talking about my cat right now?”
You bet. Alexia moved so her hair shielded her chest. She’d talk about anything to lessen the importance of being taken against a wall because they’d been too impassioned to make it to the floor. She was still reeling from the urgency. The pleasure. The ease of it all. Parker had held back, moving hard and slow inside her. His touch felt natural, familiar, like a lover of years. Gentle, tender, so perfect that her heart had rushed to meet his in ecstasy. There’d been no stopping it and now she feared their hearts had tangled and she treasured more than her own within her ribs.
So, yes, she was talking about a cat. She shuffled closer and peered over his shoulder. “How much do you think she saw?”
His palm pressed into the small of her back. She shivered as he said, “Whatever she saw, she won’t see it again.” And he carried her upstairs two at a time and kicked the bedroom door closed with a resolute bang.
*
The next five days taught Alexia everything she needed to know. Confidence. Control. Intensity. She took Parker on his lounge suite and in the shower, in his office and flat on the floor of her hotel room. He’d awoken a passion in her, a gluttonous lust that couldn’t be slaked. She could feel it, a young and powerful force that was only getting warmed up. It would return to LA trapped inside her, wreaking havoc, furious that Parker wasn’t within reach.
That he’d never be within reach again.
When she’d learned enough, he wrested control from her against his bedroom wall, long and slow and just that once she let him, knowing he’d waited for her to relinquish such power freely.
Then she made him fight for it.
Every blissful day took her closer to a bitter end. Each time distress clawed at her heart, she lost herself in Parker’s touch. She’d had her wish – her time with Parker was worth remembering. Pity she’d remember these days with regret heavy in her gut and tears on her cheeks. She’d fallen for him, way too far, and she’d have to suffer it.
On her last night, when the sun had set, they made love on the beach, the sand warm at her back and Parker slow and sweet above her. Then he led her to his bed, and with a tenderness that brought tears to her eyes and her heart to its knees, he took her again, his strokes so deep her soul shared the silver shatter of orgasm.
She lay in the dark, stomach knotting over her lunchtime flight the next day. The past five days had also taught her the true meaning of confusion. It questioned her every thought, an interrogator that didn’t know whose side it was on.
She didn’t want to leave; part of her flatly refused to go. But the rational part knew she would. Her career was overseas. Everything she’d worked towards. This fling was only that, an enlightening, magnificent fling.
If they’d met in LA, and Parker’s life force fed off the pulse of that city, the crowds and ambition, then she’d be the happiest woman on earth.
As it was, she felt like the emptiest.
She watched Parker stand, his back to her. The glass panels of the eastern wall folded open, and he let the night in, moving onto the balcony, naked and glorious in the moonlight. The crash of waves filled the room and the tang of brine mingled with the scent of his sheets. The sound and smell of home, Alexia thought with a lump in her throat, and nothing in LA would ever compare.
Parker shifted his weight, flexing a perfect glute, and Alexia told herself to roll over and sleep. Start the disentangling process. Think ahead to ice cream and slow motion abs with Dee.
She joined him.
The tall eucalypts on his property blocked out the neighbouring homes, so she went naked and leaned her elbows on the wooden rail, breathing in and knowing she’d never have become so self-assured without him. He’d given her everything she’d come here for and more.
“Parker, I want to thank—”
“I’ve never been in love.” He spoke towards the beach.
She froze. Confusion closed in, concealing her options.
“I’ve never felt the lure.”
Alexia distinctly heard until now butting its head against the end of that sentence.
“I’m feeling it now,” he murmured, turning to look at her.
She shook her head, distraught. “Then fall in love. With someone else.”
The waves crashed twice, three times, before he said, “You can’t choose who you fall in love with.”
Of course not; of course love was working hand-in-hand with attraction to royally screw her over.
“And even if this was a choice,” he continued, “my mind would be made up.”
“No.” He was falling in love and not doing a thing to stop it. It was bad enough, knowing she’d leave her heart in Byron – it was so much worse knowing she’d take Parker’s with her.
He didn’t answer, just ran the backs of his fingers down her arm.
“No, Parker, please.” She trembled at his touch and stepped back. Something inside her broke at the devastation on his face. “Try not to love me. Try really hard, because I can’t love you back.”
His hand fell. He ducked his head, and then faced the sea again. “Why not?” Neutral, flippant, as if he hardly cared.
“It’s not part of my plan.” Even to her it sounded weak, foolish. But it was the truth. “I need to focus.”
“So you plan to never have a relationship? Never fall in love?” He seemed detached. A defence against the hurt she could see pulling at his mouth. “Acting isn’t your final year of high school, Alexia. You can’t avoid a boyfriend because you need to focus on your studies. This is your life.”
“It’s the start of my life,” she said, hoping like hell that was a legitimate correction. “I’m laying down foundations. I’ll have to build on them soon and if they’re not strong enough, if no one wants to cast me, then my career won’t grow. I’ll have to give up. I’ll have nothing.”
“The same goes for love.”
She lowered her face, stricken by that truth.
After a long silence, Parker broke his word. “Are you sure you couldn’t live—”
“Don’t, you promised,” she cut him off, words sharp, alarmed at how desperately she wanted to stay. She feared she would give in; surrender one life for another. Because she wanted this life too, as badly as she wanted to act. She wanted to roll out of bed and surf with Parker at dawn and eat at Lullabar with him in the evenings. But during the day… she’d get bored. She’d long for her old life. She’d grow to resent him and that grudge would taint everything good about their relationship. “Don’t ask me that.”
“It’s just a Goddamn question.”
“It’s a life-altering question!”
“So, nothing’s changed?” Parker stood tall, both moonlit and shadowed, an imposing figure with a plea in his eyes. “This trip hasn’t made you consider altering your life?”
“Of course it has!” Alexia watched hope swoop over his features and her shoulders hung in defeat. She’d considered it and felt her dreams flicker out. “Every minute, Parker, but if there was an alternative to all or nothing, I’d have thought of it by now.”
He was silent for several awful seconds and she thought he might ask her to leave. Then, resolutely, he said, “I’ll move to LA.”
Speechless, dismayed, Alexia stared.
“That’s the alternative.” He fastened his stare on her. “I can still surf. Run business virt
ually. I’ll do it.”
“No.” She felt ill from turning him down, time and again. “It’s the same problem. You’d resent me for making you move. You’d get frustrated with my long hours… you’d wonder why you bothered moving in the first place when we hardly see each other. It wouldn’t be fair on you. And you belong here, Parker, we both know that.”
“I don’t care—”
“I care.” She couldn’t be responsible for the dimming of his soul.
“So I have to just let you go?” His words cracked.
“That’s what I’m asking.”
He grasped the balcony rail, knuckles stark.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have tried to make this special.”
“But it has been?”
She nodded, reaching for his arm. He stepped back, expression pained. Her hand fell.
Parker swallowed. “Do I matter to you?”
Her eyes filled with tears as her chest caved in. Stricken, she nodded again.
“But this is still it?”
“I’m so sorry…”
He shook his head and turned away, jaw flexing. Alexia had rejected him again. But this time, this third time, she could give him her trust, if not her future.
“In season four, Abraham dies,” she said, startling him into facing her. “Jesse lets him fall after an attack from the Central Nervous System. Jesse thinks Abe killed his brother, but will realise that it was Theo. He’ll go on a suicide mission, crazy with guilt. The scene where Emma finds out Jesse’s dead… it’ll tear your heart out.”
The look on Parker’s face said he’d already suffered that fate.
Alexia bit her bottom lip, desperate not to break down.
“I won’t leak it,” he said quietly.
She looked down at the railing. “I know.”
“You trust me now.”
Without looking up, she said, “Yes.”
“Small consolation,” he muttered, and returned to bed.
It took a long time to pull herself together. Slow breaths, gritted teeth. Snark wandered out and sat, staring at her. Eventually Alexia returned to bed to find Parker asleep, arm beneath her pillow and breaths even. When she woke the next morning, he was gone.
Chapter Eleven
‡
“Do you know where he went?” Dee finally asked as the plane reached cruising altitude. “I mean, was he in his office and you could have said goodbye?”
Alexia stared, glazed, at her lap. She’d told Dee that morning that she wouldn’t see Parker again. Her friend had hugged her and asked no questions as they packed and caught a cab to the airport. Now, empty and sluggish on Valium, Alexia pulled the note from her pocket and read aloud:
‘Gone to Sydney. Due to visit the office and factory anyway. If I’d waited, I’d have asked you to stay again and I couldn’t bear you resenting me more than you do. Let’s make this a clean break. Be safe, sweetheart. Parks x’
“Oh God.” Dee grabbed Alexia’s hand and squeezed. “I’m so sorry.”
Grief balled in her chest. “Does it get easier?”
Her friend fell silent, staring at the back of the seat in front of her. After a while she answered softly, “Depends on the guy.”
Alexia forced herself to be present. “What happened with Josh?”
“Oh, the usual. A good man looking for a fling says lovely things at the end, but never let’s make this work.”
Alexia kissed her cheek and received a wan smile in return. “So we’re both miserable,” Alexia said.
“And single.”
“A little sunburnt.”
“Sexually satisfied.”
“And seriously woozy.”
“That’s just you, honey.” Dee shifted closer. “Use my shoulder. I don’t mind.”
So Alexia rested her cheek and closed her eyes, and if Dee soon felt the wet warmth of tears seeping through her shirt, she just held Alexia’s hand a little tighter and let her best friend cry in peace.
*
Alexia honoured Parker’s request for a clean break. She owed him that, since she was the reason they’d broken. She settled back into her apartment, her lifestyle, and auditioned for Dani a second time. Everything was the same, but somehow, she reacted to it differently. The crowds felt more oppressive, the buildings taller, and the beach too far away. The streets held millions of faces, but not the face she most wanted to see. For a city of angels, LA was short one golden, green-eyed divine being, and she felt that absence like a clamp in her gut.
She got the part. That genuinely excited her, which in turn genuinely distressed her, because she’d almost hoped her love for acting would fade so she could give it up for Parker. But she loved it, with everything she was.
Josh kept in touch. Emails about his music, the bar, the blessed ebb of tourists. He didn’t mention Parker and she didn’t mention Dee. She wondered if he ached, even a little, for her to slip in an update. Perhaps that was just her.
She muddled on until spring warmed the air and her mother stopped pretending nothing was wrong.
They lived in the same apartment block and afternoon tea on Sundays was a ‘minimum visitation requirement’. The blue sky of this particular Sunday had turned Alexia’s thoughts to Byron Bay, and then the beach, and Parker surfing, and his bright grin and empty house, and then the possibility that his bed wasn’t empty anymore. Three months was time enough to move on. Devastation flattened her at the thought.
“Right,” her mother said in the same tone she’d once used to bring up periods and safe sex. “My daughter is not a sad sack. So who are you and why did my daughter stay in Byron?”
“Your daughter wishes she could have stayed in Byron.”
“Yes, I got that.” Her mum was sitting opposite her, pinning back her short curls as she spoke. “I assumed you had some mad summer affair too hot for your mother’s ears, but I’d hoped you’d have perked up by now.”
So mad and so very hot. “Me too,” she said, and with a heavy heart, Alexia told the story.
“Right, well.” Her mum stared at a tea ring on the table as she processed. Then she boiled the kettle, poured more tea, and kept thinking. Finally, she set her brown stare on Alexia and asked, “What do you want, Lexie? Ignoring all barriers?”
An easy answer, but fantasies were all easy. “I want to act and be with Parker.”
“And how do you think that’s possible?”
Alexia drew the steaming mug close. Steam warmed her chin. “It isn’t.”
“Of course it is.”
She sighed. “He can’t move here, Mum. He belongs there.”
“And you can’t move?”
Upset, Alexia looked at the traffic out the window. “I can’t sacrifice acting for him. I mean, I’ve decided to, a few times.” She’d booked several flights to Australia in those night hours, but the light of day always brought reality with it. “But I’d regret it for the rest of my life. This pain won’t last that long.”
Please God, don’t let it last that long.
Her mother’s eyes had narrowed. “Regret it why?”
“Because love would have lost me my dream.”
There was a significant pause. “This is because of me.”
Alexia toyed with the steam and didn’t answer.
“Lexie.” Her mother’s voice was troubled. “I followed my heart. I loved your father and he gave me you. I don’t regret you.”
“I know, Mum.” She raised her head, exhausted. Three months of pitiful night sleeps and counting. “But maybe you’d still have had me, just a bit later, and then been an architect, too.”
“Maybe.” Her mum looked upset. “Maybe not. You can’t control these things. Love is unpredictable. You can’t put it on hold because you’re not ready yet. It’s a blessing, not a To Do list.”
Hurt clogged Alexia’s throat. She’d put Parker on hold indefinitely because she couldn’t control their situation. She squeezed her eyes shut. For Parker to know that she’d f
allen for him but chosen her career… that sting must have done damage.
His arrogance had once hurt her. Now, her uncompromising priorities had struck him back. Both had been in the wrong and yet he’d mended his mistake. She feared she had no way to mend hers.
“You want to be with him?” Her mum had taken her hand.
Alexia nodded, sniffling.
“Well. The way I see it, you don’t have to live in LA to have an agent here. You can film your auditions. Born Tomorrow is blowing up – and once people see your performance as Dani, roles will come easier. And as much as you hate heights, you can fly. Assuming a successful career with lots of filming, you might only be in Byron half the year, a bit less, but isn’t that better than nothing?”
She stared, mind reeling and her future with it. It was a lifetime better than nothing.
“And if you do,” her mum added with a sheepish laugh. “I’ll get to move back to Byron.”
Uncertainty pooled in her chest. “How do I know he hasn’t moved on?”
Her mum considered. “Surprise visit?”
Alexia pulled a face. If he had moved on, the shame would be unbearable.
“Call him and lay your heart on the line?”
She tilted her head back and forth, unsold.
“Get in touch about something inconsequential and see how he reacts?”
Alexia pointed a finger across the table, nodding. She could get Parker’s email address from Josh. Take the coward’s option, because she’d acted too poorly to feel confident. She’d get in touch and hope to God she wouldn’t be watching chick flicks and man abs for the rest of her life.
*
Parker lay on the couch with his laptop on his thighs. Sunlight angled through the window, bright on Snark’s white fur as she lay in her armchair. It was seven-thirty in the morning and he hadn’t slept yet. Alexia’s fault, having turned his night upside down by emailing a link to season four of Born Tomorrow. Completely out of the blue, it had charged him with confusion and the frantic buzz of hope. Her accompanying email had read:
‘Hi Parker,
So episode one, season four aired last night. Since pirates never sleep, somehow the entire season is now available to stream online. It won’t air in Australia for several years (give or take never), so I figured you could be forgiven for streaming this. If you’re still interested, that is, I know I partially spoiled the ending.