by J. A. Owenby
“What the hell am I going to tell Cassidy?”
“We’ll figure it out before classes tomorrow, okay? Don’t worry about it. I’ll think of something.”
I stared out the window until we pulled into the driveway and made it safely inside the house.
I hung up my coat as Xander pulled me in for a hug.
“It’s okay. Let’s have a drink and figure things out.”
I flopped onto the love seat while Xander made our drinks and started a fire. This was my favorite room in the house. No matter what was going on, I felt safe here.
“Do Cassidy and Adalyn know about your mom?” Xander asked as he handed me my glass.
I took a long drink and paused as the rum traveled through me. I glanced at the half-full glass and finished it. Then I sighed and placed it on the table.
“Stressed?”
“This shit sucks,” I said as I rubbed my face. “What am I gonna do?”
“Well, you could always just tell Cassidy and Adalyn the truth. Maybe not everything, but that someone from your past is looking for you.”
I nodded, not really sure they’d be satisfied with that little of an explanation.
“I have another idea,” he said.
I stared into the fire as I waited for him to continue.
“You can withdraw from school.”
I snapped to attention and stared at him. Was he serious?
“You’re kidding me, right? I can’t just quit school. What the hell kind of idea is that?” I stood up, grabbed my glass, and walked into the kitchen. I refilled the glass with two-thirds rum and a splash of Pepsi. I took another drink and joined Xander in the living room again.
“Just think about it. It’s only for a little while. We have to keep you safe.”
My head swam from the rum and all the emotions that coursed through me. I hated Mama. Why? Why wouldn’t she leave me alone?
“I don’t wanna think about it right now. I’ll talk to Cassidy tomorrow,” I said and finished my drink.
“Okay,” Xander said as he rested his hand on my leg.
I stretched my legs across him and closed my eyes.
* * *
I woke in our bed, alone. Xander must have carried me up here. I rubbed my face and glanced at the clock. It read 1:13 a.m., and he wasn’t in bed with me. I sat up and peered around the room, but I didn’t see him anywhere.
I laid back down and yawned. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My eyes fluttered closed, and I drifted back to sleep.
* * *
“Morning,” Xander said as he handed me a cup of coffee.
“Thank you,” I said. “It’s amazing what a shower can do for you after drinking too much.”
“Yeah, you were out pretty quick. I know this is hard on you.”
I pulled the kitchen chair out and sat down. Classes didn’t start until ten, so I had a few minutes to enjoy my coffee with Xander.
“I missed you last night. I woke up once and you weren’t there.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to keep you up. I was watching a movie and trying to figure out what to do.”
“I’m not your responsibility, you know. I can handle Cassidy. I’m also not dropping out of school. I don’t care if Mama sits in my classes with me. She doesn’t get to win this one.”
“I love that about you—your determination.”
“Yeah?” I asked and smiled at him. “Mama always said I was possessed and stubborn. I like determined better.”
“Fuck your mom. Sorry, but she just wants to control you.”
“I know,” I whispered.
Xander crossed the kitchen and took my coffee from me.
“We have a few minutes before we have to leave,” he said and grinned.
I reached for his jeans button and flicked it open.
“Is this what you want?” I smiled as I looked up at him.
“Always.”
Chapter 21
I stayed close to Xander the next day as we kept an eye out for Mama or Patsy. I’d crossed over to a new level of paranoia: I thought every short, dark-haired woman might be Mama.
I heaved a sigh of relief when classes were over and I hadn’t seen her anywhere. I was also grateful for the weekend. I’d hoped to hang out with George, but he had other plans. I decided to study and rest instead.
Nineteen and no social life. A glimmer of resentment about what my life had become rose inside me. I had no freedom thanks to Mama and Patsy. At least I had Xander, George, and the girls on occasion.
My thoughts drifted toward Emma. My heart ached thinking about her, but our last conversation had left me feeling frustrated, and I wasn’t ready to call her yet. If she couldn’t support my new relationship, I didn’t want to talk to her.
I rubbed my neck and settled into our bed, reaching for my books and notes.
“Hey, how’s the studying going?” Xander asked as he leaned in to kiss me.
“It’s okay.”
Xander grabbed his keys and wallet from the nightstand.
“You going somewhere?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m getting together with the guys tonight. I need a night out.”
“Oh,” I said. I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice as a dark blanket of loneliness settled over me.
“I’ve gotta have a break sometimes.”
“I know. I’ve brought a lot of baggage with me. I’m sorry. Go have fun with your friends,” I said and attempted a sincere smile.
“Keep the doors locked and stay here where you’re safe.”
“I will. I promise. I’ll find a good chick flick on TV after I’m done studying. I know how much you love romantic movies,” I said and laughed.
“Have at it. There’s plenty of food and alcohol,” he said as he kissed me.
“What time will you be back?” I asked.
Xander paused and stared at me. Surprise registered on his face at the question.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“I’ll be home whenever I feel like it,” he said and walked out, leaving me sitting in the bedroom alone.
I didn’t understand. Why was that a bad question? Wasn’t it something you communicated to each other when you were in a relationship? Otherwise, how the hell would I know if he was dead in a ditch or just out having fun with his friends?
I slammed my book shut, ran to the window, and watched his truck back down the driveway. My stomach sank as he disappeared from sight.
* * *
I paced across the living room, pulled back the curtain, and stared out the window for the hundredth time. The clock read 3:58 a.m., and I hadn’t heard a word from Xander. I swallowed, willing my food to stay down. I knew he’d been frustrated when he left, but I never imagined he would stay out so late and not even call me.
I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes, but all I saw were images of him on the side of the road covered in blood, his truck smashed to pieces. I racked my brain for anyone I knew who might know where he was, but I couldn’t think of anyone. George didn’t have a phone in his dorm room, and neither did the girls. I had no car and no way of getting anywhere.
My head pounded as I tried to think of some way to find out if he was okay. I didn’t understand. The cops would call if there had been an accident, right? So, if Xander was okay, where the hell was he?
My mind turned over and over as I explored different scenarios, but all I knew was that he wasn’t home.
Hours passed, and I bolted upright as I heard the door open. I jumped off the couch and ran toward him.
Chapter 22
“Are you okay?” I said breathlessly. “My God, I’ve been worried sick,” I said as tears filled my eyes.
“I told you I was going out. What the hell is your problem?” He pushed past me into the house.
My jaw dropped as I watched him walk down the hall and into the kitchen. I followed him.
“You left at seven o’clock last night, and it’s noon
the next day. That’s not going out. I’ve been waiting, and I was really worried that something had happened to you. You don’t know how to use a telephone and call me?”
Xander filled his coffee cup and turned toward me.
“Holy shit, you’re high again!” I said as I saw the look on his face.
“It’s none of your fucking business, Lacey,” he said as he set his cup down. “I’m gonna shower and go to bed. Don’t wake me.”
My head swam as he climbed the stairs without even a backward glance. I told him before that if he ever got high again, it was over. I ran up the stairs after him.
“Xander, I told you before, I’m not doing this,” I yelled and ran into the guest room.
I opened the closet and found my suitcase. I threw it on the bed and unzipped it, the sound of the zipper echoing through the quiet room. I would only be able to take a few things with me; I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to get out of there, fast. I walked down the hallway and into his bedroom to get some of my clothes.
Xander stood in front of the dresser with his arms folded in front of him, his face void of any emotion.
“Move. I was very clear about the drugs. We’re over. I want my clothes.”
He sneered at my words.
“You think you’re so much better than everyone, don’t you?”
“What? Where’s this coming from?” I asked, dumbfounded at his question.
“You think everyone is here just to take care of you. You don’t care about anyone else, or how much it affects us to have to put up with your shit day in and day out.”
My eyes widened, his words penetrating me like needles.
“You’re high. You don’t mean that.”
“Oh yes I do. I don’t ask for any rent, I pay for your food, I drive you everywhere, and I give you a safe place to stay. I was the one who saved you from your mother when she tried to kidnap you, and you’re gonna act like a spoiled little bitch when I go out for a night and have some fun?”
I stepped backward and shook my head.
“That’s not true. I—”
“—Shut up, Lacey. I give you everything. If you wanna leave, go ahead. Have a nice walk to the university, and good luck running from your mother. You won’t make it twenty-four hours without me.”
He smirked as he pulled off his shirt and tossed it on the floor.
“I’m gonna shower, and then you’re coming to bed with me. You look like shit—you need some sleep.”
He shut the bathroom door behind him, and I ran into the guest room. I gasped for air as I tried to process what he’d said. I had no car, no place to live, and no real money to speak of.
I walked over to the bed and sat down. I had no one except Xander. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I realized he was right. He’d spent almost every minute with me, kept me safe, and paid my bills. No one else would’ve done that for me. And maybe he wasn’t high; maybe he was just tired. I wasn’t even sure what someone looked like when they were high.
I wiped my tears away as I realized that I’d only panicked because I loved him. I’d overreacted out of fear, and I’d pissed him off. I didn’t want to lose him. Maybe the next time he went out by himself we could figure something out so he didn’t feel like I was smothering him.
I picked up my suitcase and put it back in the closet. I wanted to work things out with him, and hopefully he would want the same.
I went back down the hall and returned to our bedroom. Xander had just stepped out of the shower, and beads of water trickled down his muscular body. My breath caught at seeing him naked.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said that shit to you. It was a long night, and I’m exhausted,” Xander said.
“Yeah?” I asked, afraid to get my hopes up.
“Yeah, I’ll call you next time. I’m not used to someone worrying about me. I’ve done what I wanted for years. Grandma always went to bed at eight and never even knew I left,” he said and chuckled.
“Okay, I can work with that,” I said and took a deep breath.
My eyes traveled across his chest and down his stomach. He was ready to go, and I was ready to make things better.
“Come here,” he said as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
I walked toward him slowly until I stood in front of him.
“Take your clothes off.”
My stomach fluttered with the familiar excitement as I unbuttoned my shirt and slid it off my shoulders. I released the front closure of my bra and dropped it on the floor.
“Your jeans,” he said, his voice husky.
I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them and my panties over my hips and to the floor. I kicked them out of the way.
Xander picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to the bed. He tossed me backward as I landed on the large mattress. He knelt on the floor, spread my legs apart, and dipped his head between my thighs.
I moaned as his mouth made contact with me. My back arched off the bed as he flicked his tongue across my clit. I grabbed his hair and moved my hips against him.
“Oh my God,” I whimpered.
He increased his intensity and, just as my world was about to shatter, he stopped.
“No! Where are you going?” I asked as I reached for him.
He stood up and stepped away from the bed. He took himself in his hand and stroked himself in front of me.
“Xander, I need you inside me,” I said, unable to stop watching. “Please.”
“Ahhh,” he said as he closed his eyes and continued. “Shit,” he said as his hand moved quicker.
“Xander? Don’t finish, I’m right here. Come inside me,” I pleaded.
He ignored me as he continued, his muscles tensing. My eyes widened as I watched him finish. I shook my head, confused.
“Why did you do that? I don’t understand.” I couldn’t hide the hurt in my voice.
“Sometimes you’re just not worth the effort,” he said as he walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
What had just happened? Had he just punished me for being upset that he was out all night? Did he not want me anymore? What kind of guy jacked off when his girlfriend was ready and willing right in front of him?
I suddenly wanted to put my clothes back on, and I scrambled to get dressed before he came out of the bathroom. I knew he wanted to sleep, but I didn’t want to be next to him right now. I slipped out of the bedroom and closed the door behind me. I hurried back to the guest room, locked the door, crawled into bed, and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 23
I woke to my stomach growling. I peered around the guest room and glanced at the clock. It was close to dinnertime. Maybe cooking Xander a nice meal would help smooth things over. Or, maybe if I stopped being a pain in the ass, he would want me again.
My heart ached at his earlier words. I should get my hair cut and my nails done. Had I gained weight? Maybe I should weigh myself. I obviously wasn’t taking care of myself well enough for him to want me. And if I wasn’t always worth the effort, was it worth it with someone else? Is that where he’d been all night? Getting high and sleeping around?
I pushed the heartbreaking thoughts back and took a hot shower. I applied a little makeup and put on his favorite jeans and top. I peered at my reflection in the mirror as I dabbed on some lip gloss. My breath caught. I did look different. My eyes were dull, and I looked exhausted. No wonder he didn’t want to sleep with me.
I reached for my concealer and dabbed it under my eyes. I could cover the dark circles, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t cover the growing emptiness inside me. I thought coming to Oregon and starting over would help, but now I wasn’t sure I’d made the right choice after all. Maybe I needed to call Emma.
I dried my hair and recalled my last conversation with Emma. I was still mad, but now, something tugged at me. I just didn’t know what it was.
I finished up in the bathroom and saw that Xander’s bedroom door was still closed. I quietly went dow
nstairs and into the kitchen. I checked that I had all the ingredients, and then I made beef stroganoff and lemon meringue pie from scratch. I hoped he liked it, and that he was in a better mood when he woke up.
I still couldn’t shake the pain of what he’d done to me, though. How could someone you love not be worth the effort? Walker never . . . no, that was in the past, and as long as I didn’t screw things up again, I had a good future with Xander. I hoped.
“Something smells amazing,” Xander said as he approached me from behind and wrapped his arms around me.
“I hope you like it,” I said, trying to gauge his mood.
He moved my hair back and gently kissed my neck. I tensed, unsure what to expect.
“Hey,” he said as he turned me toward him.
I couldn’t look at him. He tilted my chin up and gently kissed me.
“I know we had a rough start to our day, but I love you. We’ll figure everything out, okay?”
I didn’t respond. I was torn between wanting to fix things and leaving.
He leaned around me, turned the stove off, and pulled me into him.
He kissed me again, and even though my heart was broken, my body responded.
“I love you, babe,” he whispered as he unbuttoned my jeans. “Let me make it up to you.”
And he did.
* * *
After the shitty weekend, I was excited to return to school on Monday. I missed George something awful. I’d seen him briefly in classes, but Xander had been in a hurry to leave campus ever since Mama had shown up again. I rarely got to spend time with him and the girls anymore.
I was quiet on the ride to school.
“You okay?” Xander asked as he reached over and squeezed my hand.
“Yeah,” I said and smiled. “I’m just tired.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I settled into my seat and closed my eyes for the rest of the drive.
Twenty minutes later, Xander kissed me and left me at my classroom door. I heaved a sigh as he left. My emotions were royally screwing with me. One minute I loved him, the next I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.