by J. A. Owenby
Xander was waiting for me after class. I waved goodbye to everyone, and he took my hand as we walked toward the truck. Maybe he was seeing reason, but I couldn’t tell with him. He hadn’t spoken to me since he’d decided to fry chicken in the middle of the night.
Half an hour later, we pulled into the driveway and entered the house. I put my books on the coffee table and went to the kitchen to grab a Pepsi.
“I’m still pissed,” he said as he followed me.
I sighed and grabbed the rum from the cabinet. I poured us both one and handed it to him.
“Would it help you feel better if I told you he was married? And that I was friends with his family back home until his mom died? Would that make things better?”
“He’s married? How old is he?”
“Twenty-one, I think.”
“Shit, why in the hell did he do that?”
“No clue. He married his high-school sweetheart right before his mom died. I assumed it was because he wanted his mom there, but I don’t really know. I haven’t talked to him in over a year.”
“Then why’d you call out for him last night?”
“Hell if I know,” I said as I took a swig of my drink. “I get homesick sometimes. I had a wonderful group of friends—Emma, Joss, Walker, Tammy . . .” I smiled as my mind drifted back to the times I’d had with them. My heart ached. I missed them so much. I loved Oregon, but here, I only had George—sort of—and Xander.
“I’ve never given you a reason not to trust me,” I continued.
Xander laughed. “Yeah? And I should trust you after John? You seemed like you enjoyed it.”
“I thought that was over, and I didn’t screw him. And have you already forgotten what you did?” I said as I glared at him. “Only one of us had sex with someone else, and here you are punching me in the arm because I said some other guy’s name, even though he lives two thousand miles away. What the hell is wrong with that picture?”
“Stop being a bitch,” Xander muttered.
I drew in a sharp breath. I was about to cross the line with him, and I couldn’t afford any more bruises. I put my hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean to make you mad—I’m just asking for a break. There’s nothing going on with anyone else. I’m all yours and only yours.”
“Don’t forget it, either,” he said as he walked out of the kitchen.
I refilled my glass and went into the living room. I settled into my spot on the love seat and grabbed my books. I had a ton of studying to do, and I was grateful for the distraction.
* * *
“I’m going out tonight,” Xander said as he grabbed his keys from the coffee table.
“What?” I said and closed my book. “I thought you weren’t going out anymore.” Dread filled me at the thought of him at Andy’s again.
“I won’t be out all night. Don’t start your whining. I need to get out of the house for a while. I’m suffocating in here.”
“Are you going to Andy’s?”
“I’ll be back later,” Xander said, ignoring my question.
“Don’t go, please. I’m begging you.”
Xander didn’t respond as he walked out the door. I rubbed my forehead. I had no choice but to wait and see what mood he was in when he came home. He hadn’t been to Andy’s for a while, at least that I knew of, so maybe he was just going to stop by for a couple of hours.
I turned on the TV and tried to distract myself, but it wasn’t working. There was nothing on. I turned it off and watched the darkness settle in across the sky.
My mind returned to Emma and Joss. I needed to call Emma and make things right, but that would mean having to lie to her and tell her how wonderful everything was, and I just didn’t have the strength to do it. Joss was more understanding about things, but she wouldn’t be okay with Xander either. Her tolerance was seriously low after having to deal with her mother’s boyfriends.
A knock at the door startled me from my thoughts. I froze. Xander couldn’t possibly be home this soon, and he always used his key to let himself in. The house was dark; I hadn’t bothered turning on the lamp yet.
I crept from the living room into the kitchen. I stayed out of the line of the windows, made my way to the door, and moved the curtain just enough to peek outside. I jumped as someone pounded on the door again.
Mike and Agnus were standing on the porch. I shuddered. No way in hell was I going to open the door for them, and if I stayed still, they couldn’t see me on this side of the window. I watched them as they looked at each other. Agnus hopped off the porch and walked around the side of the house. I pressed myself against the wall as his shadow passed by the windows. Mike pounded on the door again.
Several minutes later, I heard their footsteps heading down the sidewalk and watched as they returned to their car. I stood still as I watched them drive away.
I made my way back to the love seat, curled up on it, and left the lights out. I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t be back. I would just have to wait for Xander.
Chapter 39
I sat up as the front door opened. Xander’s footsteps broke the silence as he walked into the kitchen. He turned the light on, and I winced at the sudden brightness.
Startled, he stepped backward as he realized I was sitting on the love seat.
“What the hell are you doing? Why are you sitting in the dark?”
“Waiting for you,” I said, staring straight ahead.
“Well, I’m home and it’s only midnight. I told you I wouldn’t stay out all night,” he said as he sat on the couch across from me.
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“What the fuck is your problem? You all pissed that I went out?”
“That depends on what you did.”
He threw his head back and laughed. It was at that moment that I knew he was high. I also recognized the perfume.
I shook my head as I stared at him.
“So, this is how it is? I say some guy’s name in my sleep, and you go snort coke and screw Brittney?”
“Fuck you, Lacey. You’re not gonna do anything about it anyway. I tried it your way for over a month. As long as I give in to whatever you want, then everything is great, but the minute I wanna go hang out with my friends you’re a total whiny bitch.”
His words pierced my heart, but this time, something inside me snapped.
I jumped up and crossed the room to where he sat. My hands balled into fists as anger overwhelmed me.
“Cheating on me and using coke isn’t ‘hanging out with your friends,’ and I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
“You’re so naive,” he spat.
“Think about this for a minute,” he said as he leaned forward. “Nobody wants you around. Oh, wait, except your crazy mother, and God only knows what she’ll do to you. And even then, she doesn’t want you for who you are. You drive me crazy with your rules, and you think you’re better than everyone else. I guess you’re good for the occasional fuck, but that’s about it. Hell, even then I go elsewhere or take care of myself.”
My mouth dropped as I stared at him. Was he serious or was it the coke talking?
“You bastard,” I whispered.
Xander shot out of his seat, and I flinched as I covered my head with my arms. He grabbed my shirt and tossed me across the living room. Everything was a blur until I made contact with the coffee table.
Pain exploded inside me and traveled through my shoulder and back. I reached for my head, winced, and then stared blankly at my hand. It was covered in bright-red blood.
Xander crossed the room and straddled me, pinning me to the floor. His lips curled into a snarl as his eyes darkened with hatred. He lowered his face until it was a mere inch from mine.
“Get used to it—this is your life now. And no matter what you tell yourself, I had no remorse about killing my brother, and I won’t even think twice about hunting you down if you walk out that door. You are mine. Do you understand me?” He grabbed my shoulders and shook me violently.
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered once he’d let go of me.
“You tell yourself whatever you need to,” he said and stood up. I scrambled backward and away from him as fast as I could.
Xander turned and walked away. His footsteps echoed through the hallway as he went up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. I wiped my bloody hand on my jeans and huddled in the corner the rest of the night, afraid he would come back downstairs and hurt me again.
* * *
Morning finally arrived, and I locked the bathroom door as I showered. My head throbbed, and it took me several extra minutes to wash the dried blood out of my hair. I put my makeup on and used a bit of the heavy concealer for my bruise and under my eyes. I hadn’t slept at all, and my eyes were puffy, with dark circles underneath them.
Thank God for good makeup, I thought.
I went downstairs and cooked us breakfast. I’d planned on acting as normal as possible; then maybe everything that happened wouldn’t come up again. I knew the cycle. I knew he would be back to normal this morning, or at least I hoped. It’d never gotten as bad as it had last night.
I bit my lip as his words about Brittney and how this was my life ran through my head. He might seriously hurt me if I did try to leave. In all the craziness, I’d forgotten to tell him about Mike and Agnus stopping by, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell him now.
“Morning,” Xander muttered as he entered the kitchen and filled his coffee cup.
“Hey,” I said as I put a few pancakes on his plate. “I figured you might want some breakfast this morning.”
“Thank you,” he said as he sat down.
I sat across from him and took a few bites of my pancakes. I didn’t feel like eating, and I pushed my food around more than I ate.
We finished our breakfast in silence, and I cleaned up the kitchen as Xander went back upstairs. I was ready to leave for class by the time he came back down.
Chapter 40
I didn’t see George or the girls on campus that day. We only had class together three days a week, so I wouldn’t see them again until tomorrow.
I couldn’t stop George’s words as they played through my head on a loop. He was right: I had changed, and all for Xander. I thought he loved me and wanted to protect me from Mama, but now I wasn’t sure which one of them was worse.
What would happen if I did leave him? I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t call Emma and simply ask to come home, and it would break her parents’ heart if they knew what kind of trouble I’d gotten into. George and the girls couldn’t help me without putting themselves in danger, and I couldn’t do that to them. Mama would keep me safe from Xander, but who would keep me safe from her? I had nowhere to hide anymore.
I’d manage to re-create my own personal hell.
There were only four more weeks of school left, and I had to figure something out before then. At least I saw George during the school year, but that wouldn’t be the case in the summer. I would be cut off from everyone I knew. I had no job, no car, and no place to live.
I laughed out loud. Who the hell was I kidding thinking I could ever make it out of his front door?
Xander met me after class and walked me back to the truck. We only spoke when necessary, and the silence hung in the air between us as we drove home. He pulled into the driveway and he shifted the truck into park.
“Get out,” he said without looking at me.
“You’re not coming in?” I asked as I reached for the truck’s door handle.
“I won’t be home tonight, so don’t bother waiting up.”
I turned away before he could see the tears pooling in my eyes. I hopped out of the truck and went into the house. I locked it behind me as I heard his truck drive away and suddenly relief flooded through me at the thought of him not being home. I wasn’t sure what to expect tomorrow, but tonight I would curl up on the couch and sleep.
I put my backpack down, went to the kitchen, grabbed the rum, and took a deep swallow straight from the bottle. I walked to the hall closet and grabbed a spare pillow and blanket. Even though he said he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, I didn’t trust him. I’d be safer on the couch. At least he couldn’t sneak up on me that way if he did come home.
I made my bed and took another drink. It was only 7 p.m., but every part of me ached, including my heart. I was mentally and physically drained. I stretched out on the couch and fell asleep within minutes.
* * *
The morning light streamed through the living-room curtains and woke me. I rubbed my eyes as I sat up. Xander hadn’t come home, just like he’d said. I was still tired, but I felt a little better. I glanced at the clock; it was 8:16 a.m. I stretched as I realized I still had plenty of time to shower and eat before classes. Xander would be back to pick me up soon, and I needed to talk to George. I’d made a promise to him and I needed to keep it, no matter how he reacted.
I felt better after I took a hot shower and put on fresh clothes. I made some eggs and coffee and waited for Xander. I grew restless as the time passed and he still hadn’t shown up. We were going to be late for class. Had he gone without me? Shit.
A few hours later, I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, and that I wouldn’t see George until after the weekend. I was screwed.
* * *
Every emotion possible coursed through me over the next thirty-six hours. I didn’t hear from Xander once, not even a phone call, and he hadn’t come home. I knew he was angry about Walker, but I was at a complete loss as to how I could earn his trust back. And what did I want?
I had run every scenario through in my head, including leaving or staying and what either of those choices might look like. But no matter what, I could no longer dismiss the nagging in the pit of my stomach. As much as I tried to stop it, my mind wandered back to Walker. Were he and Brittany still married? Had he asked about me again? But those were dangerous thoughts, and I quickly pushed them aside. No matter what, things would never be the same.
I slept on the couch all weekend in case Xander came home or Mike and Agnus showed up again, but the house was quiet and peaceful, which gave me time to think.
Loneliness crept over me with every hour that passed. I glanced at the phone every time I was in the kitchen. I wished I could reach George and the girls. Maybe I should patch things up with Emma, I thought, but I couldn’t. What would they all think if I told them the truth, anyway?
The door finally opened on Sunday around 11 a.m. Xander’s keys jangled as he placed them on the kitchen table. The fall of his footsteps let me know that he’d gone upstairs. He didn’t even bother to come back down when he must’ve noticed that I wasn’t in the bedroom.
Chapter 41
“Hi,” Xander said as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Hi?” I said as my eyebrows knitted together. I continued to pour my coffee, and I grabbed a cup for him too. I filled it and turned around to hand it to him.
He released me and accepted it. I stared at him as he pulled a kitchen chair out and sat down.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” I asked softly.
“Yeah, I just needed a break. I had to think some things through, and I couldn’t do that here. I knew you were okay—I’d just done the grocery shopping. So I took the opportunity and left.”
I sat down at the table and sipped my coffee. I had no idea what to expect from him anymore. He’d most likely stayed at Andy’s, and with Brittney.
“I think I needed the break too. I’m tired of fighting,” I said as I placed my cup on the table.
“I didn’t see her.”
“What?” I asked and tilted my head as I waited for his response.
“I didn’t see her this weekend.”
“Oh? Was she out of town?” I retorted. I bit my lip and reminded myself where talking back had gotten me the last several times. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I don’t know where she was, but I wasn’t with her or anyone else
. Like I said, I needed time to think.”
“And?”
“I think it’s what I needed, and I’m back.”
“What does that mean, exactly?” I asked, more confused than ever.
“I’m home. I want to be here, I want to be with you, I want to work things out.”
My stomach tightened at his words. I wasn’t sure I wanted the same thing anymore.
I stood up slowly and walked toward him. He reached out, took my hand, and pulled me into his lap.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too,” I replied as I laid my head on his shoulder.
We sat together for several minutes and then grabbed our books and headed out the door to go to school.
* * *
Xander wasn’t in any hurry to walk me to my building; he held my hand as we strolled across campus. I wanted to talk to George in health class, but I was going to be late at this point, and now I would be lucky if I could even find an open seat. I sighed softly as irritation rose inside me.
We finally got to my building, and he pulled me in for a deep kiss. I smiled as he let me go. At least for this morning, I had my Xander back.
I waved goodbye as I walked into the building and slipped into my class. I scanned the back of everyone’s head and searched for George. I finally spotted him, and an open seat next to him. I waited for the professor to turn his back to us, and then I hurried down the aisle and slipped into the seat next to George. I spotted Cassidy and Adalyn across the room and gave them a quick wave.
George’s eyes lit up when he saw me, and he reached for my hand. I squeezed it before letting it go and pulling my notebook out of my backpack. I scribbled something on a piece of paper and quietly tore it out of my notebook. I slid it over to George.
I stared straight ahead as I heard the paper being unfolded. George gasped and then whispered, “Let’s go. We need to talk, right now.”
* * *
“I know who can help,” George murmured as we quietly closed the door to the classroom.
I glanced around at the other people milling around in the hallway. I wasn’t sure if Xander followed me or if he had other people do it, but I was terrified someone would hear us talking.