“I hate him way more than I hate her. I told her she can do better. Why would you want to go out with someone who’s addicted to his phone and thinks no one knows he dyes his hair? He’s rude to waitresses. He acts like he’s an expert on everything. He doesn’t listen. He leaves water all over the counter after he uses the bathroom. He’s 20 years older than her! He pressures people into having butt sex, apparently! Who cares if he’s rich?”
Snickers was lying on my stomach. I rubbed one of his ears between my fingers. It felt like a firm piece of silk. “I can’t believe she made you listen to the . . . butt part.”
Noelle sighed. “Grown-ups spend so much time yelling at us about porn and privacy and whatever, but the stuff that’s messed me up the most is the stuff they’ve told me themselves. And it’s not just Tara. So many of them do it.”
“Who’s Tara?”
“My dad’s girlfriend!”
“You’ve never told me her name before.”
Noelle was quiet. Then she said, “I don’t want to be friends with my parents.”
“God, me neither,” I said fervently. “Why don’t they understand that?”
But my dad does understand that, actually. He wouldn’t ground me if he didn’t.
Monday, January 8
Reese is back. I’d gotten so used to her absence, I’d forgotten to feel grateful that she wasn’t around, flirting with Grady right in front of me. Then this morning there she was, flipping her hair and showing people pictures on her phone. Maybe she’s forgotten about Grady, I told myself. Maybe she met some interesting guy in Europe.
And then, not 15 minutes later, she marched right into my English class, which I was enjoying, thank you very much—we were discussing A Raisin in the Sun, and I had my hand up, waiting to contradict Griffin, who had just given a ridiculous analysis of Beneatha—and said, “So sorry to interrupt, Mr. Huang. Can I grab Chloe for a second? We’re having a student council emergency.” He nodded. Reese hurried me down the hall and out to the picnic tables. It was freezing outside, but Reese pretended not to notice, so I did too.
I’m so gullible that the first thing I said was, “What’s the emergency?”
She put her hand on my arm and laughed. “You’re so sweet! Nothing’s wrong. I just felt like chatting for a minute.”
My heart sank. “Oh!” I said. “OK. How was your trip?”
“Amazing,” she said. “I got SO fat eating all the incredible food.” She patted her concave stomach. “Seeing the art and the history there inspired me. It made me reflect on my priorities and on what really matters in this life, you know?”
“Definitely,” I said.
“So, how are you?” she said, looking deeply into my eyes.
“Uh, good.”
“And everything’s going well with Grady?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so glad. You believe me, right? That I’m glad?”
“Sure.”
She patted her own knee fondly. “I truly want him to be happy.”
We were sitting backward on the bench, facing the gray brick side of our school. She scooted closer to me and leaned in to murmur in my ear.
“He’s fun to hook up with, right?”
“Yeah. Um, yeah.”
She laughed. “Chloe! Don’t get shy on me. We should be friends!”
“We’re friends,” I said. Of course we’re not friends, but what was I supposed to say?
“So let’s tell each other everything,” she said. She lowered her head and looked up at me with a little smile, like we were plotting a caper together. “Are you still a virgin?”
Reese deserves to be popular. She really does. She’s a genius at manipulating people. Every remark she makes could be read as either innocent or offensive, and you’re so busy trying to interpret what she means and figure out what you can possibly say that won’t give her more leverage over you that you wind up blurting out exactly the information she needs. I wasn’t going to do it, though.
“I don’t know,” I said, to stall.
“What do you mean you don’t know? I’m not counting blow jobs, if that’s what you’re confused about. I heard you got grounded. Is that why? Did your dad catch you with Grady?”
I couldn’t stand it, sitting outside being interrogated while Griffin was inside probably claiming that Asagai is right about everything and Beneatha should listen to his wisdom.
“I have to go,” I said.
“Chloe,” she said. Her voice still sounded smooth, but there was a vein of anger running through it.
“Sorry,” I said, backing toward the door. “Talk to you later, OK?”
Is that the big revelation she had while touring the Louvre, or whatever? That what’s really important is to come back to our poky little town and torment me about my sex life?
Tuesday, January 9
Tris had me act out the entire conversation, doing both parts. In the middle he made me start over, because he said my performance of Reese was too broad. He’s going to be a great and annoying theater professor one day. After I finished, he said I handled myself well, and she definitely doesn’t know whether or not I’m a virgin.
“What if she asks me again?” I said.
“Act outraged that she’d be so nosy.”
Sure. Easy for him to say. I’d like to see him act outraged when Reese comes up and oozes poisonous syrup all over him.
Wednesday, January 10
Code red. No, what’s more urgent than code red? Code maroon. Code blood.
Grady and I were standing at my locker when Reese came up to us and said, “My favorites!”
We smiled and said hi. “Listen,” she said, “I’m organizing a ski trip for this weekend. I’ve been so depressed since we got back from Europe, I have to cheer myself up somehow. Totally last minute, but a bunch of kids are going up to Dylan’s house in Vermont—it’s right on the mountain. Grady, are you in?”
He glanced at me and then back at her. “I have to watch Bear, actually. Thanks for the invite, though.”
“Are you serious?” she said. “Tell your mom you’re not a free babysitter!”
“Sorry,” he said.
“I’m not taking no for an answer,” she said. “I’ll ask you again tomorrow. It’ll be so fun! Chloe, I’d obviously invite you, too, if you weren’t grounded.” She pointed a sympathetic expression at me.
“Thanks,” I said. Thanks! Thank you, Reese, for trying to steal my boyfriend right in front of my face! Thank you so very much!
As soon as she left, I covered my face with my hands. I wanted to cover my ears, too. I wanted to get in a sensory-deprivation tank and also turn off my mind. I can’t stand the thought of the next few weeks and months. Waiting to see if she’ll win. Feeling sick at the thought of what she’s texting Grady and what she’s saying to Grady when she catches him alone. Trying not to ask him about her, but then asking anyway and getting in a big fight. I want to skip ahead and find out what happens.
Grady pulled my hands away from my face.
“If you’re going to dump me, go ahead and dump me,” I said.
“Chloe, come on,” he said. He was laughing, which made me furious.
“She invited you SKIING!” I said. I kind of yelled it. Most kids were in their next classes already, but the few who were around looked at us with interest.
“Shhh. I realize that.”
“Don’t shhh me!”
“Sorry. Jesus. What do you want me to do? I told her I can’t go!”
“I want you to make her stop.”
“How?”
“I don’t know! Say something to her! Tell her we’re engaged! Do anything!”
If only we could go to my house and have sex, like we usually do. Sex erases arguments. Without it, I have to sit here fuming into my diary pointlessly.
Thursday, January 11
Chloe: Did she ask you again today?
Grady: Once in the hall and once by text
Are you sure you want to
know this stuff?
Chloe: Yes
Grady: It just seems annoying to hear
Chloe: IT IS
Grady: Are you mad at ME?
Chloe: No
I don’t know
Grady: I swear to god there’s nothing to worry about
I want to believe that.
Friday, January 12
I cannot wait to grow up. If Grady and I were adults, I’d probably never meet his ex-girlfriend. I certainly wouldn’t have to see her every single day. I wouldn’t have a vivid mental image of what she looks like when she’s eating a sandwich, the way she flares her nostrils when she’s irritated, and every haircut she’s had since kindergarten. It’s like some evil science experiment, being forced to spend almost two decades with the same couple hundred people.
At least the weekend is almost here. Soon Reese will be posting selfies from atop a snowy mountain, and I won’t have to worry that Grady’s making out with her while I rot at home, grounded.
Saturday, January 13
For the first time I looked up some YouTube videos of The Addams Family musical. I’ve never even seen the movie. I know there’s a sexy mom and a cranky daughter who never smiles. And an Uncle Lester or something. I need to get up to speed fast if I want to have any shot at a lead.
Sunday, January 14
Dad said I’m allowed to visit Mom, as long as he drops me off and picks me up, so I went over there for a change of scenery. She was outraged when I told her I’ve been grounded for a month.
“But that’s draconian! What is he thinking?”
“I mean, I did get really drunk on New Year’s Eve.”
“You’re 16! What on earth does he expect?”
It makes no sense, but as soon as Mom starts criticizing Dad, I want to stand up for him.
Monday, January 15
For Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I did four straight hours of phonebanking. Mostly I got people’s voicemails, plus a few supporters who wanted to chat, both of which I’m used to now, but about two hours in, a man picked up and flew into a rage as soon as I said the words “Planned Parenthood.”
“Oh, the baby killers! You people make me sick.”
I remembered that the guide had a section about how to handle this situation, but I couldn’t remember what it said.
“Planned Parenthood offers a lot of services,” I said, in a voice that made ME sick: I sounded quavering and tiny. “Pap smears and cancer screenings—”
“And abortions. How old are you? Do you even know—”
The advice in the guide finally came back to me. “Thank you for your time!” I said, and hung up. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing, but I kept making calls. I can still hear the man’s voice now, the sneering in it.
Tuesday, January 16
I guess I thought if I could make it through the ski weekend without losing Grady, everything would be OK. But Reese went skiing, and now she’s back, and when I rounded the corner after second period, there she was at Grady’s locker, smiling up at him and fixing his hair.
Yes! Smiling up at him! Fixing his hair! This is what it’s come to!
He didn’t look like he was enjoying it exactly, but he wasn’t leaping back so she couldn’t touch him, which is what I would have preferred. When she saw me, Reese waved, then turned back and gave Grady’s head another pat, I guess to demonstrate that she had nothing to feel guilty about.
I turned and walked away without talking to either of them.
“Hey,” Grady said when he found me after school.
“Hey,” I said.
We walked out to the bike rack in silence. He gave me a long hug goodbye while I stood there with my arms dangling by my sides. He looked at me like are you mad? but I rode away without saying anything. Now I loathe myself. I’m wasting my precious time with him acting like an angry, jealous loser. Which I am! But I should hide it. I need to be chipper, unconcerned, and fun. What if he starts wondering why he’s making this big effort to be with moody me when he could be with sparkly Reese?
Wednesday, January 17
After dinner I explained to Dad that Grady’s ex-girlfriend is trying to get him back, and I have to see him more.
“Could I postpone being grounded for now and serve the rest of my time later in the year?” I said.
“It’s not a prison sentence,” Dad said.
“I don’t want to leave him alone right now,” I said.
“Do you trust this guy so little that you need to be in his physical presence to know he’s not cheating on you?”
“DAD!”
“What?? Isn’t that what you’re saying?”
I started crying. “He’s not going to cheat on me!”
Miss Murphy had been hovering in the kitchen. She came in and said, “I’m sure he’s not. Charlie, can’t you understand what Chloe’s saying?”
“I don’t need your help, Miss Murphy, but thanks anyway,” I said, and got up so fast I knocked over my chair, which I then set upright again, still weeping.
Thursday, January 18
Grady and I talked on the phone for three hours tonight.
He called me and we chatted about nothing for a while. Dumb stuff. Then he said, “Is everything OK with us?”
My stomach fell into my feet. “What do you mean?”
“You seem so quiet and upset all the time.”
“I guess I kind of am.”
“I know the Reese thing is annoying, but can’t we ignore it?”
“I can try.” I was tearing up. All I do is cry. It’s revolting. “Are you getting sick of me?” I said. PATHETIC.
“No. That’s not what I’m saying.”
I held the phone away from my face for a second so he wouldn’t hear me gasping and sniffing. Snickers was asleep on my bed with most of his head under my pillow. If Grady dumps me, at least I’ll still be able to snuggle with my dog.
“Are you there?” Grady said.
“Imagine if this were happening with Mac,” I said. “If he were inviting me skiing a million times and flirting with me at my locker. How would you feel?”
Grady was quiet.
“Grady?”
“I see what you mean,” he said. I couldn’t read his tone. He sounded . . . something.
Friday, January 19
Grady was grinning when we sat down for lunch.
“I brought you a cookie,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said.
He slid the cookie and his phone across the table to me. My heart sped up.
“Read it,” he said.
It was a text conversation between him and Reese.
Grady: Listen I need to talk to you
Reese: Oooo sounds exciting
Grady: I’m not mad or anything but I want you to know I’m not breaking up with Chloe
Reese: OKKKKK
Grady: Not assuming you want me to but it seems like you’ve been kinda flirty recently?
Reese: Are you saying you never think about me?
Grady: I think you’re nice but Chloe’s my girlfriend
Reese: I was your GF too
Finders keepers LOL
Grady: Dude you cheated on me
Reese: What if I realized I made a mistake?
Grady: I’m not interested
Not to sound harsh
Reese: You’re just mad about Zach
Grady: Not mad
It’s in the past
Just over it
Reese: Over ME
Grady: I mean yeah
Reese: Is Chloe with you right now? Is she telling you what to say?
Grady: No
She didn’t ask me to text you
Reese: Yeah right
Grady: She didn’t
Reese: So what you’re gonna walk away from me if I talk to you?
Grady: I just don’t think we should talk
So I guess so yeah
Reese: Are you joking?
Grady: No
Reese: You’re an ass
hole
Grady: Don’t be like that
Reese: I’ll be how I want
Is this because I didn’t want to you-know-what
Grady: It’s not related
Reese: Because I’ve changed
Are you having sex with Chloe?
Grady: Not talking about this
Reese: So you are
Grady: It’s private
Reese: Yeah like when I was giving you head in the guys’ dressing room, private like that?
I put the phone facedown on the table. My God, she was right there, across the room, laughing with her friends.
Grady was looking at me proudly. “I think she blocked me after she sent that last one,” he said. “Sorry you had to read about the dressing room, but I thought the rest would cancel it out. Chloe?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think?”
I laughed. I was terrified. Also relieved and excited, but mostly terrified. There was no way she was going to let me live after this. But Grady had done it! He’d told her to eff off, exactly like I’d wanted him to. He’d been brave.
“I think I want to take your pants off right now,” I said.
We grinned and squeezed each other’s hands.
“She’s going to destroy us both,” I said.
“Eh, who cares,” Grady said.
Saturday, January 20
I waited as long as I could, because I didn’t want to bother Noelle if she was sleeping in, but at 10 a.m. I couldn’t take it anymore and texted her to ask if Reese is furious. She wrote back, “too much to type FT?” so I FaceTimed her instantly. She answered looking half-asleep, with tangled hair.
“Did I wake you up?” I said.
She yawned. “No. I was just lying around looking at the internet.”
“You’re still in bed, though?”
She flipped the phone around so I could see her view: her bare feet sticking out from under the duvet, and her bedroom in the background. I caught a glimpse of her bare walls (she’s too cool to put up posters or photos or glow-in-the-dark stars), the hideous brown lamp that looks like it cost $1 at a yard sale, and the tan chair like a doughnut on legs that Noelle’s mom moved upstairs when she redecorated the living room. Overall, the vibe is, Only basic people spend time worrying about decor, and as you can see, I am not basic.
Notes from a Former Virgin Page 12