After that, Olivia started hiking her skirts, rolling up the cuffs on her daisy dukes. She tore the sleeves off her tees and cut lines in the back, like she’d been attacked by a chupacabra. When the calls about her smoking at school came, Patti was appalled. No, she was not raising a hoodlum, she’d said. No, she was not her mother. She didn’t have a mother. Olivia was her ward.
When Olivia began screaming at her teachers, refusing to do her work, wearing a smug smirk across her face, like “kiss my ass,” Patti threw up her arms. Was Olivia testing her? Was she testing how far she could push before Patti would snap or testing whether Patti was good for her word? Would she have moved her kids to a neighborhood where Olivia couldn’t have been friends with the cholas and gangbangers? Would she have sent her to camp? To see a counselor?
One night, Joshua had gone upstairs to Olivia’s room where she lay on her bed, smoking and listening to her headphones, and begged her to cut it out. Patti would send her away if she didn’t. But Olivia had only hugged him then shut her bedroom door in his face. She was breaking her promise. Maybe she couldn’t help it. Not then, not ever.
The day she cussed Patti out for taking her cigarettes away, Patti called the social worker. She couldn’t handle her anymore, she’d said. Take her away.
Now Joshua let go of Olivia’s shoulders and turned to face her. “You just get out?”
She shook her head. “I’ve been out a while.”
“Where’ve you been staying?” He pulled away slightly, trying to suppress his anger. He hadn’t wanted her to come. But knowing she’d been out of prison and hadn’t come over? That hurt.
“A friend of mine and her boyfriend been letting me crash there. I been there a couple months. Before that, here and there, you know.” She wiped her nose with her hands. Then she began peeling the cuticles on her fingers. They were yellow, like the glowing ink of a highlighter had seeped into her fingernail beds. “My friend’s pregnant though, so she’s all grouchy, and I’m gonna have to get outta there soon, when the baby comes. But seeing her get all big, her belly button poppin’ and shit, her boyfriend fussin’ all over her . . . reminded me of my kid. Reminded me how it was with him, before. I know he was only inside me a few months before we were in jail. But there was a minute I thought it could be different for me and him. My friend got clean when she found out. All fast and shit. I guess that’s the difference between me and her. That’s my problem.”
“We’ve all got problems, Olivia.”
“Not you. Look at you, Joshy. All spiffy and successful. College boy.”
“I’m graduating this semester.”
They seemed like themselves. Big sister, little brother. “No way,” she said, grabbing his chin and shaking him playfully. “Way to go, kid. Look at you. How’d you get all the brains and all the heart too? You musta’ stole my share.”
“You’ve got a lot more heart and brains than you think. It’s never too late to change.”
“Nah, Joshy boy. I made my bed.”
“You talk like you’re an old lady. You’re not even thirty. You can’t throw in the towel.”
“Aw, kid,” she shook her head. “Life’s given up on me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m sick.”
Joshua looked at her skeptically. She didn’t look well, true. But that didn’t mean life had given up on her. What had she come for? Money? He took the bait. “Have you been to the doctor? You have insurance? I can help you. You don’t have to worry about that.” He still got his monthly stipend for foster care, on top of the leftovers from scholarships and financial aid.
“I been already.” Her voice was scratchy, but he could hear the sadness beneath the smoke. She looked him straight in the face; he saw, for the first time, hopelessness in her eyes. That rage she’d carried all her life, that mean streak he’d known, that Olivia who burned coming and going all the while she was near you, that sister he’d loved from a distance because hearts can only take so much, was replaced by someone quieter. Beaten and done fighting. “At the clinic they told me it’s my liver, from Hep C. It’s too late though, ’cause my liver’s already gone to hell. Cancer, Joshy. It’s cancer.”
Something squeezed his lungs. “Aw jeez, Liv.” He breathed out shallow puffs. Couldn’t catch his breath. “Aw jeez . . . Liv. Jeez. Can’t we fight it? Can’t we do something? I can find you a doctor. UC Irvine hospital is right nearby. We can take you there. Or UCLA or wherever.”
She shook her head. “It’s no use.”
Tiny and brittle, she held him, much bigger than her, as he wept like a little boy again. “I’m so sorry, Liv.” He pulled away, wiping his face on his arm. The honey of her skin was the yellow of jaundice. Not drugs. Cancer. She was weak, not because she was coming down, but because she was dying. She wasn’t here to take Jayden away. Dying.
He looked toward the car where Bianca had turned around in the passenger seat to face the kids. She sang and clapped with Jayden, who, through the tinted back window, laughed and clapped too.
Olivia followed Joshua’s gaze to the car. “That your girlfriend?”
“My wife, Bianca. She’s a writer. We met at school. She’s great with Jayden.”
“I knew you’d find someone perfect, Joshy. She’s beautiful. Latina?”
He nodded. “Her dad was white, but her mom’s Mexican.”
“Hmm. She’s pretty. But can she do Jayden’s hair?” Her voice was playful, and she nudged him in the ribs. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d joked around.
“She’s meticulous with his curls.”
Olivia took his hand. “Can I see him? I’ve got no claim. I just want to hold him a minute. My kid.”
“Liv, I want you to. You can, of course, but . . .” His mouth felt sticky. How could he tell her she couldn’t take him?
She must’ve sensed it. “I’m not gonna take him, I promise. He’s your guys’ boy.”
He exhaled slowly. She wasn’t there to fight him. They wouldn’t have a custody battle. He nodded yes.
“I won’t make a fuss, I promise. I just want to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. I won’t tell him I’m sorry, ’cause he won’t know for what, and how could I explain? But I’ll know how sorry I am. And God will. That’s enough for me. I want to tell him goodbye.”
“You don’t have to say goodbye, Liv. You can come again.”
“Nah, Suga. It’s better this way. It took all I had to get here today.”
He squeezed her shoulders again. “Okay. Let me go talk to them real quick, then we’ll all go upstairs.” He wanted to feel grateful she’d come back just because she’d missed them. But she was dying. What the hell was he supposed to do with that knowledge?
At the car, Joshua knocked on the passenger window. “Can I talk to you for a minute, Bee? Out here?” She bit her lip as he helped her out. He called back to Jayden, still dancing around. “Hey, bud, how ya holding up there?”
“Hey, Dada. Who’s that on the stairs? Who are you talking to?”
“That’s your Auntie Olivia,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “You’ll go say hi to her in a minute, but I need to talk to Bee real quick. Can you stay put a few more minutes, big guy?”
“Yes, but I’m thirsty,” Jayden whined.
“I know, kid. We’ll get you some apple juice in a minute.”
“But I want juice now.”
He closed the door and turned to Bee, who was chewing on her bottom lip. “Did the social worker tell her what Oscar said? Is she here to fight?”
“Nah, it’s not like that.”
Bianca closed her eyes and exhaled. “I was so scared.”
He sighed. “She’s sick though. Liver cancer.” The words fell heavy.
“That’s awful. I’m sorry, Joshy.” She touched his arms, which he’d folded across his chest. “Does she need anything?
”
“Nothing. That’s not why she’s here.”
“So she doesn’t want Jayden back?”
“She wants to meet you. Wants to know everything is fine before she leaves.”
She glanced toward his sister, forehead creasing. “Does she know we’re married?”
He nodded.
Her smile cracked, but he could tell she was relieved. “I don’t know what to say to her.” She gripped his arms tighter. They turned back toward the car, and Bianca unbuckled Jubilee from behind the passenger seat then held her to her chest.
Joshua let Jayden out, who yelled, “I have to pee. Clear the way. It’s coming out.”
“Hang on, bud. Hold it in.” He swept him over his shoulder like an injured soldier and ran, calling out, “We’ll meet you inside.” He ran past Olivia, laughing. “He’s gonna burst.” Joshua saw from his peripheral vision that she’d stopped, waiting for Bianca. His stomach coiled. He opened the front door for Jayden then quickly returned to the stairway landing where they were already chatting without him.
“Joshy,” Olivia said, “Your wife’s even more beautiful up close.”
He smiled, taking her elbow, Bee following with Jubilee pressed to her chest. Calm down. She’ll think it’s a toy. Be cool.
As they entered the apartment, Bee asked, “Does anyone want iced tea?”
“Sure, hun. I’ll have some,” Olivia said.
Still squeezing Jubilee, Bee nodded then disappeared into the kitchen.
Normal, normal. Everything seemed normal. So far, so good.
Then Olivia poked Joshua in the ribs. “Hey, Joshy boy, I know you’re a good dad and all, but you let Jayden play with dolls?”
“Jayden’s four years old, Liv. He’s not too old for dolls.”
“You gonna make him a sissy boy like you?”
“That’s mean, Liv. You know I hated it when you called me that.”
“Sorry. Can I talk to Jayden?” He led her back to Jayden’s room where he was playing with trains.
“Hey, kiddo. You remember Auntie Liv, right?”
“Hi, Auntie.”
“I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry when I saw him,” Olivia whispered, then, aloud, “Hey there, Jaybird. I brought you something.” Joshua hadn’t heard that in years. She’d called him that when she’d first come to visit. He’d grown up, and she’d missed it. Olivia reached into her purse and pulled out a picture. A bent-edged snapshot.
“Who’s that baby with you, Auntie?”
“That’s me and you, kid.”
“Wow, you’ve known me a long time.”
“I have.” She wiped her eyes and scooted closer to Jayden. “Can I play trains?”
He nodded, and she reached down, pulling his body close to hers. He let himself be hugged.
Joshua leaned against the door, watching her kneel beside him. She ran her fingers through his spiral curls, brushing her hand across his cheek as he pushed his trains along the railroad table.
“He’s perfect, Joshy. You been taking good care of him.”
He marveled at how well-worn that picture had become. She must’ve carried it with her through some rough places. Joshua had held the disposable camera. She’d just gotten out of jail the first time. He’d steeled himself for when she’d take Jayden back. But she never did. She had no claim to him. She’d said so. The court said so. Then why did he feel guilty?
“I’ll let you two play.”
“Dada, you forgot my juice.”
“Oh yeah. I’ll be right back.”
Olivia looked up and winked. She wasn’t always mean.
Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry” drifted into the hallway from the kitchen. Little sister, don’t shed no tears. The three of them had listened to his greatest hits while making breakfast earlier that morning. “Dada, Bee be jammin’.” They’d all laughed. “Yeah, mon.” In this bright future you can’t forget your past. Three glasses of iced tea remained untouched on the kitchen counter. But Bee was nowhere.
He poured Jayden apple juice then walked toward his and Bee’s bedroom and opened the door. She drooped at the window overlooking the arboretum, clutching Jubilee, rocking her. She sighed when she saw him. “I’m an intruder.”
“She’s my sister, Bee. Not an ex.”
“I know, it’s . . .” She held Jubilee to her chest, making soothing noises. It bugged him. The way she averted every crisis by holding that—
A knock on their door. He turned around. Olivia stood in the open doorway. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Jayden sent me to find juice.”
“Oh yeah,” he said absently, handing her the juice. “I forgot.”
She hesitated. “Sorry to bother,” she stammered, looking over at Bee. “Hey, Joshy, can I talk to you?”
“Sure,” he said, stomach dropping as he walked toward the door. Before closing, he glanced back at Bee. She just kept rocking Jubilee.
After taking Jayden his juice, Olivia joined him in the hallway. “Jayden told me he had a new baby sister named Jubilee.”
He cleared his throat. “Well yeah, Bianca’s pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
“No, that’s not what he told me. He said he already has a baby sister. His Bee lets him hold her and help change her. He says she’s like a doll but not really cause she’s real, like the Velveteen Rabbit.” She looked at him hard. “What’s he talking about, Joshy? That doll your wife was rocking and singing to? What kind of game are you playing with my kid?”
She had a point. But he had it under control. He stood taller. “He’s not your kid anymore, Liv. He’s my son.”
“What’s going on? Your wife crazy? I saw her with that doll. Rocking her. Wasn’t it in a car seat?”
He balled his fists, clenched his jaw. “Okay, look. Bianca’s gone through a trauma. The baby’s a coping mechanism.”
She scrunched her face, grimacing. “Are you kidding me?”
“It’s fine. I’ve got this. I’m a counselor, remember?”
“Not yet you’re not. What about Jayden? You think this is good for him? He’s in there telling me he’s got a doll for a sister. What kind of sick shit is that?” Her lips curled into a sneer and her face twisted.
“Calm down, Liv. Let’s go outside. Don’t upset Jayden.” How many hysterical women could he handle? He wished Olivia would leave. Why’d she have to come back? Why’d she have to be dying? Why’d she have to be Olivia?
“Fine. But you best explain to me what’s going on around here.”
He opened the front door and led the way downstairs to the patio. Olivia pulled out a cigarette and lit it.
“Should you be smoking? Isn’t that dangerous with your illness?” He coughed. She knew smoke triggered his asthma. It always had.
“Don’t turn this around on me, kid. What’s going on with your bride? She wacko or what? You find her in a mental ward? She one of your patients?”
“Olivia,” he snapped. “Do not talk about my wife that way. Jesus! You barge in here after all this time without any word, and now you start disrespecting my home and my family? Look, I’m sorry you’re sick. I’m sorry your life has been shit. But none of that’s my fault. I’m with Jayden because you never showed up, Liv. You never showed up.” He hadn’t meant to yell. He’d never yelled at Olivia before. But what right did she have to talk about Bee that way? She didn’t even know her.
Olivia’s expression gnarled as she sucked her cigarette. “Josh. Tell me the truth. What’s going on with your wife?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“That’s the truth. She went through something. I don’t know what. She already had Jubilee when I met her.”
“Where?”
“I told you. At school. She’s not crazy, Liv. She’s not. She’s . . . in denial. It’s shock. Everything else i
n our life is normal. Everything. She’s a good mom. You’ve got to trust me. I know what I’m doing. I can handle this. Jayden just thinks it’s a game.”
“I don’t think so. He seemed pretty convinced.”
“It’s like the books we read to him. It’s magic. Make-believe. Fairy tales.”
“And later? When he’s grown? What then?”
“She’s getting better. We’re fine.”
“I thought you were smart, Joshy. I thought you were the smart one. I gave you my kid ’cause I thought I could trust your judgment. What are you doing? Use your head. You think a social worker’s gonna give her Jayden? You think you’re gonna get to keep him? She’s delusional. And it looks like you are too.”
“That’s not fair. You don’t understand. It’s not a delusion. It’s . . . it’s . . .” He couldn’t breathe. “Can you put that thing out?”
“Sorry.” She stomped out the butt on the sidewalk. “Don’t have a panic attack.”
He wasn’t a little boy anymore. She wasn’t his big sister. She’d left. She’d never shown up. He’d done the best he could. Bee was a good woman. She was everything Olivia wasn’t. “It’s asthma, Olivia. Not anxiety.” He dug around his pocket for his inhaler. Shit. He’d left it upstairs.
Her voice softened. “I didn’t come here to fight.”
“I know.”
“I’m scared for you. This situation you’re in, it’s messed up. You know that, right?”
“Hey, Liv. You don’t understand. She lost a baby, and her doctor says carrying a doll is an unusual but normal way to cope with it, and I’m helping her through it. It’s like PTSD.”
“No social worker’s gonna let you guys get away with this. You’ve got to realize that. Then what, Joshy? You gonna let him go into the system? You gonna let them take him away like they did us?”
It hurt to breathe.
“If it comes to it, who you gonna choose? Your wife? Or my son?”
“I’ve got it under control, Liv.”
“Like hell you do. You don’t get this straightened out with her, and I mean quick, I’m gonna call the court, Joshy. I don’t want to. God knows I don’t want to. But come on. You think I’m just gonna let you leave my boy with a crazy? I wanted that for him I’d a kept him myself. You take care of this shit now or I’m taking him.”
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