by Lila Felix
Between every word was a choke. She had bore a burden that was meant for me.
“He died about an hour later. It was late in the day, about six or seven, I guess. We scattered his ashes in that pond.”
I didn’t know that. I knew that being cremated was in his will but I had been too focused on being a jerk to ask.
“I’m glad someone like you was here for him, someone who loved him.”
She looked over to me, not hiding her tears. “He was loved and well taken care of. I can tell you that.
“His journals are here if you want them. I didn’t have the heart to touch them. I haven’t even been in this room since he passed. But you are welcome to them.”
“Not yet, okay? Maybe one day.”
For what seemed like hours we sat together breathing in what was left of my brother.
“Hey, Ranger? Can we just call a truce? For Garrison? Let’s just be nice and get through this for him.”
I didn’t have to look at her to know what she was saying was sincere. Her voice spoke the truth.
“Yeah, I can do that. Can you?”
“I definitely can.”
She left the room and left me with Garrison’s memory for a few more minutes. I knew he wouldn’t like the mess, so I cleaned it up and made his bed. One day I would get to the journals. One day.
Chapter Eleven
Hero
AFTER RANGER LEFT the house, I sat in Garrison’s room for a long time. There were a lot of good memories in this room, mixed with the sad. Our late night talks ranged from numerous topics, but somehow always made their way back to Ranger. Garrison loved his brother, and Ranger held my heart.
I had been able to sleep last night and when I woke up I half expected for Ranger to show up to help with chores. But he did not. I moved through my morning activities and then headed to the diner to work for a few hours.
When I arrived home, I parked my truck right next to…Rangers. My heart fluttered thinking about him. I missed him. Calling a truce was important to me and I will abide by it. If not for Ranger, but for Garrison. He was my friend and someone I called family. It was a word I don’t use for just anyone. Talking to Ranger yesterday reminded me of our times together. The days of riding the horses around the property, laying on blankets by the pond kissing under the stars, and talking about our future. I planned my life around our talks. When he left I stayed true to my word and promise to him.
I would wait for him.
I figured by now we would be married, have a house, maybe a kid or two. Or maybe we would be traveling together, seeing the world but still married. I wanted to carry his last name and wear his wedding ring with deep pride and love for Ranger.
My daydream was broken by the slamming of the front porch screen door. I watched him holding a plate of meat in one hand and helping Grammy down the stairs in the other. I remembered how he helped her down the stairs all the time before he left. He constantly did it. It should his sweet, chivalrous side.
“Hero, why are you sitting in your truck?” Grammy hollered over. “The grill is hot and we’re about to cook up these steaks. Come on.”
“I’m going to change.” I jumped out and headed into the house. I took a quick shower and changed into a pair of shorts and an off-the-shoulder blouse. I fixed my hair and makeup, dolling myself up a bit.
For Ranger.
When I came back outside, Wallace and Bryson were all sitting at the table with Ranger, while Grammy and Gramps fill the grill up. I grabbed the bowl with the corn on the cob and head over to my grandparents.
“How was work?” Gramps asked.
“Good,” I answer as I foil the buttered corn and place it on the top shelf of the grill.
“You look beautiful today.” Grammy commented.
“Are you saying I look like dog crap all the other days?” I teased.
“Well, not every day.” She winked and strolled over to the table with the boys.
I softly laughed at her and went back to my task, but I felt Gramps staring at me. “What?” I sighed.
“I’m wondering if you’re sleeping well.”
“I am.” I half lied.
“Oh little girl, you know I can see through the mud you’re trying to lay on me.”
I looked up at him. As I child I always said Gramps was a giant because of his height. “I’m okay.” I tried to sound as if it were true.
“It’s nice to have Ranger around again. He really helped you with the fence and you both did a great job.”
I shrugged. “I guess.”
“You missed him a lot, and now he’s back and all you can say is I guess?”
I remained quiet.
“I think you both grew up in your time apart, but your love is still there. I see it in both your eyes. Give him a chance.”
“I told him we could have a truce until this is all over.” I lowered my voice to ensure no one could hear.
“Then when it’s over, you two can go back to being a normal couple full of love.”
“Has Grammy been making you watch those Lifetime movies again?”
He laughed boisterously. “Some of them aren’t too bad.”
I shook my head and went over to the table. Wallace had brought out a pack of cards and they all were playing rummy. I took the seat next to Ranger and watched and listened as everyone played cards. Wallace discussed his work at the plastic factory. Bryson talked about the car repairs he’s been doing at the garage, and Ranger even chipped in with some information. He was going to be helping out his military friends in Arizona.
“People pay for this?” Bryson asked
“Yep and pay a lot. My friend is going to run it. I’m just going to teach a group.”
“I think people are watching too many zombie movies and that’s why it’s such a big deal.” Grammy added her opinion. “Those of us raised on ranches and farmlands don’t need to waste money on silly classes.” We all laughed at her, but she did have a point.
“When do you leave?” I wondered if it would be sooner rather than later.
“Not a hundred percent sure yet.”
Our attention went back to the game in front of them. Of course Grammy cleaned all of their clocks like she normally did when we played together. I always said she was a card shark. As Wallace cleaned up the cards, Gramps plated up the meat, and Grammy and I gathered up the vegetables and salads. Wallace poured sweet tea for all of us and after we prayed, food began to get passed around. There wasn’t much talking since the food was delicious. While shoveling the food in my mouth, I could feel Ranger’s leg touching mine. It seemed childish, but when we were younger we’d rub our legs against each other.
And we’re doing it now.
I wasn’t sure if we were doing it consciously or out of habit. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up from the simple touch. I flashbacked to one of our last family dinners before he left. Garrison had been there and the laughter between all of us still rang in my ears.
“You’re smiling,” Grammy said as we finished up cleaning the dishes in the kitchen. “It’s been a long time seeing you happy.”
“I just had a good meal.” I told her.
“No that’s not a food smile, that’s a love smile.” She bumped her hip against mine.
“Whatever, old lady.” I rolled my eyes.
“Grammy.” Ranger walked over to her. “Thanks for a great dinner.” He hugged her. He always hugged her when he would leave the ranch. Some might have thought it weird for a teenager to hug an older lady he wasn’t related to, but he loved her like family. Garrison did the same thing.
“You’re more than welcome to come back any time,” she said releasing him.
He turned to me and nodded with a small smile and headed toward the front door.
“I’ll walk you out.” I almost shouted. I didn’t mean to say it as loud as I did.
He looked back and furrowed his brow a bit. He probably thought I lost my mind. “Sure.”
Together we st
rolled out to his truck. “I think I ate too much. Would you like to go on a walk?”
“Sure.” He turned toward the direction of the trail and headed up to the pond.
“How about this way?” I pointed to the barn. “I can check on the horses too.”
He nodded and we walked side by side. He opened the barn door and Donut is the first to pop his head out of the open top stall door. I went over and stroked his nose.
“I used to be jealous.” He comes up next to me leaning against the stall frame.
“Of what?” I keep my focus on my horse.
“The animals. You loved them more than…well…me.”
I dropped my hand from Donut’s nose and tried to keep my breathing even. I wanted to scream how much I still loved him and there was nothing to be jealous of because my heart belonged to him.
“You know I didn’t eat this well when I was in the Army. Grammy knows how to fatten a guy up.” He changed the subject.
I wished I could say I was glad he did, but deep down, the words were bubbling up for me to tell him. We needed to get all our cards on the table, so to speak. However, we called a truce. Our past was the past and we had moved on. Well, he did.
“Yes she does know.” I cleared my throat. “We need to go on another date soon. Somewhere closer to home.” I suggested. Our time would be running out soon and the sadness filled me. He already made plans to leave Langston to go to Arizona. Why couldn’t I see the big picture? His future didn’t include me. He just wasn’t saying it out loud to me.
“What about tomorrow night? You pick it. Whatever you want to do.” He pushed himself off the frame. “I’m going to head out.” He brushed past me and the air was filled with his soft sandalwood scent.
“Ranger.” I spun on my heels and faced him.
“Yes?” He looked at me, but no words came out.
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I’ll see you later.”
He stepped closer. “Hero, I’m glad we called a truce.”
“Me too,” I whispered as my throat closed a bit.
“I have the best memories here with you and I’m,” he paused, “I’m glad you and Garrison made good memories before he passed.” His smile is sad. “I’ll see you.”
The tears slowly fell as I watched him walk away from me. Soon, he’d be gone forever.
Chapter Twelve
Ranger
THE TRUCE WAS about to break. It had lasted less than seventy-two hours.
“You’re not serious.” We sat in her truck this time in front of a place called ‘Calla’s Pottery’ Inside there were about a dozen women all sitting at easels with what looked like champagne in their hands painting something that looked nothing like the sample at the back of the class.
There wasn’t a lick of testosterone in a mile’s range.
“What?” She shrugged and pretended to touch up her lipstick in the pull-down mirror. I knew she was pretending because her lipstick, when she chose to wear it, was always perfect. How could it not be? It was sitting on two curves of actual perfection.
I thought about giving her grief for bringing me here, but she had a way of knowing just how to tick me off. and I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction.
“How did you know this is my favorite thing to do?”
She froze in place. She expected frustration or maybe whining. Old Ranger would’ve done just that. He was a kid. I was far from that kid anymore.
I could take a little paint and brushes just to prove her wrong.
“Come on. Let’s go. I think I’d like to do the cat one.”
It was all I could do not to smile. I would not be painting the cat one.
By the time I got around to her door, she had gotten over it and was now smiling from ear to ear. This was her thing. She was darn good at running the farm and the horses would always make her heart beat, but deep down, she was a little bit artsy and flowery.
I loved that about her.
Loved.
I shouldn’t even be saying that. Maybe it’s true that you never quite fall out of love with your first love.
I was sure that wherever that artsy part of Hero was, there was a part of me that would never quite get over her.
We got inside and after listening to the instructions, picked out our example. Hero chose a sunset scene, and I chose the manliest one – a cross against a blue and brown background.
When she wasn’t looking, I painted her arm blue around her elbow.
“You like to paint. How come you don’t do it more?”
She shrugged. “Time. Money. Same reasons as everyone else when they don’t get to do what they want to do.”
“I guess you’re about to have the money you need. Maybe you can hire some hands to help out. Give you the time.”
“And you?” She put her brush in the water and swirled it around a bit. She’d pulled her hair into a ponytail again.
“Me what?”
“What’s the thing you want to do that you don’t have money or time for?”
I shrugged, but I knew.
“Tell me.” She put her hand on my arm. It was warm like I remembered. She was always warm like that favorite blanket you curled up with on a cold night. “We used to tell each other everything – everything.”
“I’d like to own a ranch again, or at least work on one. I didn’t even know I missed it until I saw your farm again. I miss all of it, the horses, the freedom, the hard work, the early mornings.”
“What about the boot camp thing? Isn’t that where you’re headed? That sounds like a good opportunity.” She looked away when she said the last sentence. She always looked away when she was lying.
Come to think of it, she hadn’t looked away from me since I’d been back in town. Hero always looked at me directly in the eye.
“It’s a good opportunity, but it sounds like work to me. It’s work I don’t want to do anymore. Yes, it will pay the bills. Yes, it will keep me busy. But it’s not how I see myself living the rest of my life. I know people don’t always get what they want but a guy can hope.”
Hero leaned in closer. She had a dot of purple on her nose, but I kind of liked it there. It gave her a little imperfection. Made her real again. I had been imagining her for way too long.
When I was in Afghanistan, I held onto her picture until the edges were shredded and the lower left corner was torn from taking it out and putting it back into my pocket time after time.
After a while, I cut the edges and kept it in one of the small pockets of my pack. I also kept all of her letters in that same pocket.
One day I took the letters out and her picture wasn’t there anymore. I looked for it everywhere. Even the boys helped me look.
It was gone.
I blamed it all on fate. After all, I’d gotten her letters out of my pack to burn them. They were all lies anyway. She loved me. She wanted me to come home. She couldn’t wait to see me again.
She was with my brother.
She was a lying cheat.
She broke all of her promises.
No, those were Jacob’s words.
Or they were mine.
It was all mixed up in my head.
The letters took the place of her picture and so I let them live there, untouched.
When I came home, I requested to go to Nashville instead.
Instead of my family and my girl waiting for me at the airport, I grabbed my backpack off of the belt and walked away from it all.
“Ranger? I said how do you see yourself spending the rest of your life? Where’d you go? I’d lost you for a minute.”
She’d lost me for more than a minute.
I’d once asked her the same question. She told me she wanted to spend it with me. If I took away everything in between…if I stripped our lives down to nothing but me and her, that would be my answer too.
She was so close I could see the one speck of gold in her right eye. One of her earrings was coming out of the pierced hole. Her heartbeat in the form of
her pulse on her neck. It was racing like mine was for this beautiful woman in front of me.
That was the problem with all of this.
There was too much in between.
Too much filler.
Too much gunk choking the life out of what we had.
I winked at her and held up my paint brush. “Duh. Painting.”
Chapter Thirteen
Hero
RANGER HATED POTTERY, but he sat through it like a champ. After we finished and quietly strolled back to my truck, I had already planned our next event for the evening. He told me I could choose anything and since we’re in a truce, I thought I’d do something nice. Creating new happy memories would help me when he leaves again. Clearly he wouldn’t be back. Even if he took the money and purchased his own ranch, it probably would not be around here.
“What’s next?” he asked as I pulled onto the main street.
“A walk down memory lane,” I said, ignoring the pain in my heart.
I turned on my CD player in the truck and Luke Bryan filled the cab. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ranger moving his lips to the words. He used to sing all the time. Actually, we sang a lot together and were both terrible at it, but we didn’t care. We’d hold hands and belt out the words.
I turned into the deserted lot of Walmart, which was formerly a drive-in movie theater. We came here all the time and set up food and blankets in the bed of the truck. Sometimes we’d watch the movies, other times we’d talk or not watch the movie at all and let the world fade away from us.
I put the truck in park and jumped out. The cooler, the Bluetooth speaker, and the blankets were already waiting in the back for us. I made sure to stay away from the well-lit areas to give us privacy. I fanned out the blanket as he watched me.
“What are you doing?”
“I cooked your most favorite meal.” I explained.
A smile slowly appears. “You don’t mean my most favorite meal?”
I giggled and opened the cooler. “Yep. I have slow cooked honey barbecue pork chops, freshly snapped green beans, and garlic mashed potatoes.”