Wordless, she watched, feeling the care in his actions. When he was done she took the cloth from him, and washed him as well, removing the signs of their earlier lovemaking. A smile crept across his mouth, and he pulled her into his arms, effortlessly lifting her to engage her lips with his.
Mouth on mouth, and once again Sarah felt the thrill of being with him. His freshly scrubbed penis pressed into her belly, and without thinking, Sarah grasped him and played with his hardening form. Garran groaned into her mouth, and clutched at her bottom, his fingers kneading the cheeks, lifting her higher. One hand slipped into her cleft, fingering her softness.
She barely heard him his voice was so low. "I don’t want to hurt you, Sarah. It’s too soon."
It didn’t feel too soon to her. All she could think of was getting him back inside her. She responded by wrapping her legs around his waist and with a groan Garran gave in and drove home within her.
This time she felt nothing like pain, only a satisfying fullness as he entered. Still kneeling in the bath, Garran clutched her closer, his head buried in her shoulder. "Sweet Gaia, you feel good."
He moved to the wide edge of the tub, but when he tried to put her down, she twisted, and then Garran was lying on his back, Sarah’s legs on either side, still intimately connected.
Experimentally, she lifted and sank further onto his shaft, and his eyes widened.
She grinned at his surprise. "Just because I didn’t have a practical knowledge of such things doesn’t mean I’m completely ignorant. I’ve always wanted to try this." She rose and fell again, smiling with delight. "This is fun."
Garran leaned his head back with a groan. He clasped her waist and helped her find her rhythm. "The night isn’t going to be long enough to satisfy your curiosity, Sarah."
He was clearly fishing to see if she intended to stay. "There is tomorrow morning as well."
Something almost like pain crossed his face, then he leaned back and just let her make love to him. She reached up and pulled down her hair, unpinning it from the top of her head and loosening the braid free. It slid across her back and shoulders, and down to pool onto his chest.
Garran watched it fall, delight in his expression. Reaching out, he gathered some of the red-gold tresses and drew them to his lips, closing his eyes as he passed the soft strands across. Reopening them he stared up at her. "I will always remember this, Sarah mine. How you look at this moment."
She realized she would always remember him, too. Strong and loving, his eyes and mouth worshiping her.
Then he lifted his hips and she moved with him and no further thought was possible other than more, and more, and it would never be enough.
Sarah’s back arched and she cried out as the deep shudders took her far away, Garran but a moment behind, clutching her waist at his release, his face amazed in its frenzy.
Sarah collapsed onto him and pillowed her head on his chest, his hands stroking her back in idle movement.
Lifting her head, Sarah checked Garran’s expression. Sated, that’s how he looked, same as how she felt. Sexually sated, warmed to the core.
Then something else showed in his expression, more of the melancholy he’d had before. He seemed watchful, on edge, and Sarah braced herself.
"Will you stay with me, Sarah?"
She answered, deliberately misunderstanding him. "Tonight, of course. I said I would."
"I mean tomorrow, the next day, the day after that." He held up a red-gold curl. "The rest of your life."
"I still don’t know, Garran."
His smile was sad, but he said nothing more. Stretching, he pushed her off him, slipping her back into the tub.
"I guess we need to clean up again."
* * * *
They dressed in silence, Garran watching the emotions playing across Sarah’s face. She looked more uncertain than he’d seen her before and he counted that as good for his side.
If she’d been certain, he knew she’d be leaving him.
He spent a little time on the comm-link with the ship’s kitchen and some minutes later dinner arrived. Pranas as an appetizer, a fowlter and vegetable pie in a pastry crust, a loaf of fresh bread, and sulia, a cold and sweet creamy dish filled with fruit for dessert.
He also ordered wine, two bottles of wine of the same vintage they’d shared before. One way or another he was going to get Sarah to confide in him.
She’d been very careful to not over drink before. Maybe with a little persuasion he could get her a little tipsy--not to take advantage of her, but to see if he could find out what was going on in her head.
He kept her glass full, and Sarah, for once, didn’t seem to notice how much she was drinking. By dessert she had a sloppy smile and Garran watched in satisfaction as she happily poured herself another glass of wine.
He raised his glass. "To the future, Sarah."
She nodded and drank, not meeting his eyes. Garran noticed and nodded to himself. The time had come to talk.
Reaching over, he clasped her hand. "Sarah." Reluctantly she raised her face to meet his gaze. There was something in her expression, regret and something else.…
Abruptly he knew what it was. "You care for me, don’t you?"
She looked startled, her eyes going wide. Sarah swallowed and pulled her hand away and he watched as she played with her wine glass.
She cared...but didn’t want to care. Why not?
"You care for me, I know it. We’re great together, we’ll have the best lives a couple can have. Sarah, we’re like two halves made whole, can’t you see that? I know you don’t love me now, but you will...." his voice trailed off as her head shook.
Sarah spoke, her silence shattered, her voice sounding as broken as her heart. "I don’t know if I can, Garran. You’re right I do care for you and it would be easier if I didn’t. You say you love me and I believe you. Yes, we’d have a great life together. We’re good...even in bed, and you know I didn’t expect that. I’ve even imagined our children.…" A sheen of tears filled her eyes.
His image of a daughter with bright red hair returned. "So have I. From the beginning."
A tear escaped and trickled down her cheek. "But how can I say I will love you, Garran, ever? And how would it be with us in the years ahead if I can’t…?"
Coldness settled in his stomach and he knew what she was thinking. "... because you love another. Someone you don’t know, but imagine is out there. That dream lover of yours would always be between us. No flesh and blood man could ever match him, could he, Sarah? Certainly not me."
Just like that, he knew he could never really win her. The game was over and he’d lost. "No matter what else happened, you’d always think that you settled for me when you could have had him, if only you’d kept looking for him."
Astonished, she gazed at him. "What are you saying?"
Disappointment and pain made his voice harsh. "I won’t settle for half a marriage with you, Sarah. If you don’t think you can give me your heart, I don’t want the rest."
"You want me to leave you?"
"I can’t have you stay as my wife. Not if you’re so certain you can’t love me."
Sarah pushed the rest of her glass away and struggled to her feet. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she moved gingerly to the bedroom. She really had drunk too much, he realized as he watched her stagger.
Using the edge of the doorway to support herself, Sarah turned to face him. Impatiently she dashed the tears away and a measure of pride returned to her face. "I’ll pack to go.…"
Garran got to his feet. "Not tonight."
Sarah’s jaw set. "Why not?"
Because he wasn’t quite ready to let her go. But he couldn’t say that. "The three days isn’t over yet, Sarah. You’ll stay tonight as we planned. I’ll have you moved to new rooms tomorrow."
Her gaze dropped and she merely leaned against the edge of the door, looking defeated. Then she nodded. "Very well, one more night of wedded bliss won’t kill either of us, I guess."
"I’ll be in later."
After she’d gone, Garran drank his glass of wine. When it was finished, he drank hers and when that was gone, he refilled it from the bottle leftover from their dinner.
Both bottles of wine were empty and Garran was numb by the time he made it to bed. Sarah stirred and muttered when he slid in beside her, pulling her nightgown clad frame into his arms. Through the fabric he felt the tempting softness of her breasts, but resolved to ignore it. This wasn’t the time.
"Hush, Sarah. I just want to hold you." He whispered it into her ear, and she settled contentedly into the curve of his body, a little satisfied sigh escaping her lips.
Eyes still shut, her mouth curved up into a smile. "I was afraid you wouldn’t come." She planted a somewhat sloppy kiss into his jaw, and nuzzled deeper into his neck.
Garran ironically congratulated himself. He’d set out to get her drunk and managed to do it.
She stirred and murmured something he couldn’t make out.
"What was that?"
"Love you," she whispered. Her breathing evened out and Garran realized she’d drifted back into sleep.
Garran’s heart pounded furiously, his alcohol-induced numbness fleeing at her words. Sarah loved him? Was he mistaken and she really did love him?
A muffled snort into his neck reminded him of her condition. Too much wine and she’d been half-asleep when she’d spoken. Her dream lover. That’s who it had been that she’d thought she was talking to.
Disappointment filled him, erasing his temporary euphoria and leaving him exhausted. Lack of sleep and his many glasses of wine conspired to complete the job, and with Sarah snug in his arms, Garran drifted off.
Chapter Twenty-three
Sarah finished packing the last of her belongings into her trunk. All she was missing was her filestore, still in Karen’s possession. Her friend had promised to bring it by this morning but hadn’t shown up yet and it was nearly noon.
Sarah wondered if Karen might be delaying her arrival for as long as possible. When she’d called to say she was moving from Garran’s suite, she’d heard the soft gasp of dismay in her friend’s voice.
Sarah sighed. Why should Karen be different? Everyone else seemed to want her to stay with Garran. Only two people wanted this marriage to end.
Garran and herself.
He stepped in and leaned against the doorway, eyeing her trunk with a lost expression.
Sarah sighed again. Well, maybe just herself. But it had been his idea last night to end it since she couldn’t promise to love him. She might’ve had too much to drink, something her head was making her most aware of today, but she was certain of what he’d said. Garran had been the one to say it was over.
Still, he’d held her last night. She remembered waking, restless, and having his hands stroke her back, soothing her back to sleep. After the previous time they’d shared a bed, not to mention what had happened in the bath, she’d expected him to take advantage of her availability, but he hadn’t, last night or this morning. Just held and caressed her in a loving fashion.
She’d also expected to dream, but no dark-haired lover had disturbed her sleep, as if making love to Garran had finally banished his rival.
Her sleep might not have been disturbed but she was. When she’d awakened he’d been gone from the bed and his absence had bothered her far more than she was willing to admit.
Now his presence, weary and worn looking, equally disturbed her. Sarah sighed for a third time.
She indicated the trunk. "I’m almost ready."
"So I see. I talked to Bethan. She’s found another suite for you. It’s nice. You’ll like it." As he talked, his hands moved restlessly.
She couldn’t help acknowledge how she felt. "I’ll miss you."
He let the words hang in the air, only the tightening in his jaw showing he’d heard. Finally he nodded, not meeting her eyes.
The doorchime from the hallway interrupted anything he was going to say. Maxxa had shown up that morning for guard detail and now answered the door. From the lounge Sarah heard Karen and Bethan’s voices. Garran left the room and as they greeted him their voices sounded excited.
A fourth sigh. No doubt both women had come to talk Garran and her out of ending their marriage and would take some convincing that they were doing the right thing. Squaring her shoulders Sarah hurried to join them.
In the lounge Karen was hooking Sarah’s filestore into the media center. Apprehensive, Sarah stared at her friend. She’s seen that look on Karen’s face before, when they were playing cards and she had a good hand. It was the antipathy to a poker face.
Karen was up to something.
"Take a seat, Sarah. You, too, Garran," Bethan ordered in her second-in-command voice.
"I outrank you," Garran growled, clearly in no mood for his sister-in-law’s scheming.
Bethan’s lip’s twitched. "Very well, please take a seat. Sir."
Something was definitely up, Sarah decided, finding a position on the couch Bethan pointed to, Garran a safe distance away in one of the chairs. A fifth sigh escaped her. Not that she was keeping track.
Bethan addressed Garran. "When you called this morning, Karen and I were having breakfast and discussing something rather interesting that she’d found on Sarah’s filestore. Something I think you should both know before making any final decisions."
Garran studied his hands. "Sarah and I appreciate this but we aren’t going to change our minds."
Karen took over. "Hear me out. You don’t have anything to lose at this point."
Sarah met Garran’s gaze and nodded. She at least was interested in what Karen had to say. He waved permission to proceed.
Karen moved front and center, her hand on the remote controller for the media center. "As Bethan said, there were a couple of interesting things I found. First of all, Sarah, there’s that vid-clip of Garran, the one where he announces the first fleet’s capture."
Sarah flushed. "That’s not what he said."
"That’s not what you heard, but it is what he was talking about. I will tell you this--Earthforce edited it before distribution. Someday you’ll have to see the entire thing.
"But the contents aren’t what’s important. There’s a file-open counter attached to the clip that showed how many times it had been activated. Do you know how many times you viewed it?"
Sarah’s cheeks burned. Wasn’t it bad enough she’d had to show it to Garran? Was he now to find out just how obsessed she’d been with that clip?
She tried for a nonchalant shrug. "I couldn’t say. Over five years--probably a lot."
"Two thousand five hundred and sixty four times," Karen said flatly. "Even over five years, that’s a lot of viewings."
Garran’s jaw dropped and Sarah’s heart fell into her stomach. He turned to her. "I thought you hated that clip. Why would you watch it so many times?"
"I don’t know," she said defensively. "It made me feel better. Whenever I was upset over work, or my boss, or just lonely, I’d watch it. I’d see you and hate you and feel better afterwards."
"Hate?" A fleeting grin scooted across Karen’s mouth. "We’ll see about that. But that’s not the only file I found interesting. Sarah, what prompted you to come out here from Earth?"
"I was tired of being alone and the NLC offered to take me to where I could meet a man I could fall in love with."
"You saw one of their announcements and it persuaded you to come?"
Sarah gave a short laugh. "You would have come too. You should have seen their recruitment messages."
Again Karen almost smiled. "Oh, I did. There’s one on your filestore."
Belatedly Sarah remembered how she had copied the NLC vid-clip she’d found.
Karen put her hands on her hips and looked knowingly at Sarah. "Tell the truth, Sarah. Didn’t the man in the clip remind
you of your dream lover?"
She stared at her friend. "I didn’t tell you about that."
Karen shook her head. "You didn’t have to, it wasn’t hard to guess. Garran told Jeffrey about the dreams. I bet they began, when? About five years ago?"
"About that," Sarah acknowledged. "After I’d heard you were dead. I thought it was because I felt so alone."
Karen turned her attention to Garran. "Have you seen any of the NLC broadcasts?"
At the negative shake of his head, she smiled. "I think you’ll find this interesting."
She activated the filestore and soon the clip Sarah’d seen in the restaurant on Earth was playing, with the cooing baby and its handsome father. Garran watched, his face growing more and more perplexed.
When it was over he pointed a finger at the screen. "Please, play it again." He stared as the clip repeated. "Who is the man holding Killy? I’ve never seen him before."
Killy? Sarah stared as the screen, now recognizing the adorable child as Karen’s offspring. But if the NLC was using Killy in their recruitments then.…
"The NLC is a Gaian front?" Sarah asked, outrage and amazement mixing in her. Garran, Bethan, and Karen exchanged guilty looks.
Bethan finally answered her. "Yes, Sarah. As part of the peace treaty, Earth’s government gave us permission to recruit women under the NLC banner for one year. It’s a secret clause in the treaty, at least for now. Eventually it will be made public, just like the fate of the Earthforce ships and their crews."
"Then the attack on The Dove, our being abducted...it was all a sham?" Sarah didn’t know whether to be angry--or applaud.
She thought about Mosan, the recruiter she’d seen at Exavier Hall, and then the holo-vid she’d viewed with Garran. The bride’s father in the vid, she knew he’d seemed familiar. Mosan was a Gaian actor!
"Sarah, we couldn’t recruit under our own name at this time," Bethan said. "It’s too soon after the war, particularly since Earth isn’t willing to admit we didn’t actually kill as many people as we’re accused of."
Stunned, Sarah tried to take it all in. "So the man holding Killy. He’s Gaian?"
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