Always Been Mine

by Adams, Carina

  He nodded. “Yeah, once I’m outside, it’ll be better.” He stood, barely stifling another yawn, and then grinned, holding out his hand. “Come on.” I stood, grabbing for his hand when someone in the club caught my eye. I dropped my arm, moving slightly, assuring myself that my mind was playing tricks because I was tired. I gasped.

  Matty slid in behind me and followed my stare. Will was in the bar, and he wasn’t alone. Rachel, his cute coworker had her arms wrapped around his neck, grinding along to the music with him. He turned her then, so she was facing us, and moved into the back of her, running his hands familiarly down the front sides of her barely clad body. Her arms went behind her, as if to hold him close, her head falling back on his shoulder. We were intruding on their very private moment, and I sat down abruptly.

  Had they been here all along? I miss you. I love you. Will’s words from earlier echoed in my head. He’d asked me to go out to dinner with him, why was he here with her? Why was he here anyway? We never came to Portland! I silently willed him to open his eyes, to see me. But, he was so caught up in his moment with her I doubted he’d see me even if I was right there next to him. His bare left hand moved up to grab her breast possessively; the movement stole my breath away. He’d taken off his wedding ring.

  Matty moved suddenly and I caught his arm right before it was out of reach. “Where are you going?”

  He stopped, looking down at me. “I’m going to go kick his fucking ass.” He seemed to barely be holding his anger.

  I shook my head. “Please, Matty. Please just take me home!” He looked back to the dance floor and stiffened. I didn’t want to know what he’d seen. Then he kneeled in front of me, taking my cheeks between his hands. I met his eyes. “Please?” I asked again.

  “Can you ride?” I nodded. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Then, he put me on the inside, blocking my view of Will, and walked me out of the tavern. It had gotten chilly and I was shaking by the time we got back to the bike. “Here.” He pulled his hooded sweatshirt out of the saddlebag and slipped it over my head.

  “You’ll need it.” He only had a lightweight black tee shirt on, but my lips chattered as I said the words.

  “Nah. You’ll keep me warm.” He smiled as he lifted his leg over the bike and held out a hand for me. “It looks like we’re gonna get a storm. I’ll hurry.”

  We made it half way home before the rain started. I thought I was cold before I got on the bike, but after a few minutes of riding in the rain, I thought I was going to freezing to death before we made it back to the hotel. I didn’t know how Matty could see a thing. The driving rain felt like hail pounding into my flesh, and it dripped from my hair into my eyes, burning as it did. Matty had told me to lean my head into his back, and covered my hands with his, but he didn’t even have a shirt to protect his arms. Not that clothes would have helped much. My sweatshirt and jeans soaked up the freezing water, and mixed with the cold air, gave me a chill right down to the bone. The trip down to Portland had gone quickly, but the trip home felt like it took forever.

  We were both off the bike as soon as Matty cut the engine. He pushed the kickstand down, and we ran for the door of my hotel. Our clothes made giant puddles in the elevator, but at least we were out of the rain. I struggled to make my numb fingers work the keycard, but I couldn’t get them to do what I wanted and I handed it to Matty. The door had barely closed when I pulled the sweatshirt off, my shirt coming with it, trying to get away from the freezing fabric.

  “Get out of your clothes before you freeze!” I struggled with the button on my jeans, stopping to flex my fingers a few times. I looked over at Matty and forgot what I was doing. He’d taken off his tee shirt, boots, socks, and jeans in record time. Standing in the bathroom doorway in nothing but his boxers, he was briskly rubbing his hair with a towel. He was breathtaking.

  I’d seen him shirtless before, but only for a few seconds here and there. He always wore a rash guard at the beach, telling me that he didn’t want his tattoos getting ruined by the sun. Seeing his tattoos, I was sure that wasn’t the only reason. He was covered with them, which he’d told me, but the pictures he’d chosen to forever etch on his body surprised me.

  They were beautiful. None of them touched the others, with the exception of the giant Claddagh over his heart. It curled and twined with tribal knots into a half sleeve on his left arm. But it was the others that I focused on. A lonely cross, with the words, “Only God can Judge Me” above it, high on his right chest, almost touching his shoulder. A giant angel ran around his left side, stretching from hip to just below his armpit. In the same spot on the right side, there was a picture that looked like it had been drawn on by a child, but I couldn’t tell what it was. Starting right below his breast bone, covering his very chiseled six pack and belly button, stretching out onto his stomach, was an anchor. But it was the words low on his right pubic bone that held my attention. I couldn’t pull my eyes away.

  “Are you any warmer yet?” he asked without looking up. When I didn’t answer, he stopped drying his hair and lifted his head. I could feel his eyes on me. “Jo?” I couldn’t say anything, and I couldn’t stop staring. He cleared his throat. “Enjoying the view?”

  I knew I should look away, that I shouldn’t ask. But I had to know. “Does that really say what I think it does?”

  He snatched the towel from his head, covering the lower part of his torso. I met his eyes, amused to see he was embarrassed. He shifted uncomfortably and took a deep breath. “Yeah.” I laughed. His discomfort mixed with the absurd tattoo cracked me up. He narrowed his eyes at my reaction.

  I tried to stop laughing. “That. Is. Awesome.” I said between gulps of air. I wanted to know more. “Let me see it again! Does it keep going or does it end there?” I stepped across the room, soaked jeans forgotten, and grabbed at the towel. He shook his head. “Oh, come on! Is it new?” I asked, scandalized.

  He was getting red. “No! I just,” he pulled up his boxers while managing to keep me from grabbing the towel, “keep it covered.” He sighed, a mischievous glint entering his eyes. He reached out, grabbing me and pulling me close, the towel forgotten, falling between us. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” His voice was low and dangerous.

  I'd told Matty that I had tattoos, but he'd never seen them – they were personal. His hand was on my bare back, running up and down the part of my spine where the words were written, and then dipped dangerously close to the top of my jeans. It became painfully obvious that the only things between us were two soaking wet slips of material and a pair of sopping jeans that clung to every part of my lower body. The sudden warmth growing low in my body and inability to breath made it quite clear that I wished there was nothing between us.

  He leaned down, lips almost touching my ear. “What do yours say, Jo? Should I lean down and take a closer peak?”

  I could feel my face getting red because there wasn’t anything else I’d rather have him do. Fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and kiss every inch of his body until he begged me to do what his tattoo so crudely directed, I smiled up at him. I stepped back, turning around, looking at him over my shoulder.

  “It says, ‘I am enough the way I am.’ And this one…” I turned, facing him again, and unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them open slightly so he could see all of the black ink on my hip, “Says, ‘Of all the names I have been called throughout my life, my favorite will always be Mommy!’ It's so I can remember that every one of those scars brought me the best gifts ever." He smiled as I reached down, grabbing for the towel.

  “Are you going in for a closer look, Jo?” His voice was husky and strained, but I could hear the humor. I picked the towel up and turned toward the bed. I needed dry warm clothes. And to get away from him. He sighed. “It says ‘Suck My.’ That's it. ” I laughed as I grabbed one of my tee shirts out of the drawer and put it on. I pulled off the rest of my clothes and slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms.

  “I love it! How old were you when you got
it?” All dressed, I looked up at him. He was standing in the same spot, shivering. I forgot the tattoo. “Get over here, and get under the covers.” He raised an eyebrow and didn’t move. “For God sakes, I’m not going to molest you.” Not unless you beg me to. “But, unless you plan on putting on wet clothes and riding home in the storm, you’re going to have to stay here.” I motioned to the bed. “I’ll sleep on top if you want. I at least have warm clothes.”

  He looked at the door and back to me. “Isn’t there a laundry room here?”

  “Yep. It closed at nine. And, then you’d still have to ride home in the rain. Call Taylor and tell her you got stuck in the storm.”

  He looked at me once more, walked to the bed, pulled back the covers and got in. I smiled and crawled in behind him. He didn’t fight me as I snuggled up next to him, laying my head on his shoulder and putting my arm over his stomach. He stopped shaking after only a few minutes, but I was too tired to move. I felt him shift, moving my head to the pillow and my arm from his belly to his side, but didn’t open my eyes. “Jo?”

  “Hmmm?” His hand touched my cheek and then he pulled me against him, running his hand in circles on my back. I fought to open my eyes, but they wouldn’t budge.

  I felt his lips against my forehead and smiled. “I thought you were going to be on top?” I heard his chuckle, but fell asleep before he could tell me what was so funny.

  Eight

  I slept great, better than I had in months. I could feel the sun coming through the window and dancing on my skin. I always slept in late on Saturday morning, but usually my alarm woke me up. Trying to remember if I’d plugged my phone in, I put my hands above my head and stretched, arching my back. The move pushed my body into someone else and I jumped. I opened my eyes to see Matty starting back at me, entirely too close. “Well, this is awkward.” I said as I put my hand over my mouth so he couldn’t smell my breath.

  “You snore.” He grinned. “Not like a sweet, sexy snore either. I’m talking Hoover vacuum snore. I woke up and thought the maid was in here cleaning before I realized it was just you.” I fought the giggle that tried to escape, coughing instead. “Good morning, sleepy head.” He moved his hand to my cheek, brushing a strand of fly-away hair back. “Did you sleep well?”

  I nodded. “Good morning.” I smiled, stretching again, this time into him on purpose. “How 'bout you?”

  “You mean other than the snoring, and the furnace that insisted she wrap herself around me half the night? Yeah, I slept great.” He sat up, stretching. “What are your plans today?”

  I flopped onto my back. “Well, I had a dinner date, but I’ve decided to cancel that. So, I’m going to go to the gym and then maybe the movies. You?”

  Matty laid back down next to me, head on my pillow. “How you holding up after last night?” I shrugged. I didn’t want to talk about it. Hell, I didn't even want to think about it. The two of them dancing that way... I sighed, closing my eyes. It was one thing to know your husband hadn't been faithful; it was another to have the image burned into your brain. Matty reached for me, twining his fingers around mine. “It just so happens that my plans for today got cancelled, too. I’m gonna go to the beach for a nice long run, read a little, and then maybe go out for dinner and a movie. A nice lazy day. I would love some company.”

  I let him hold my hand. It was a sweet gesture and I was sure it was because he was trying to offer some sort of comfort. I loved how perfectly my hand fit into his. The thought of Matty’s hand made me remember Will’s last night. Of course he took off his wedding ring. What kind of person cheated while wearing their ring? Did he even wear it at work? Maybe he stuck it in his glove compartment every day before going in to his office. For all I knew, she didn’t even realize he was still married. She was beyond beautiful and had a perfect body, I’d give him that. Will was everything a girl her age could want; handsome, successful, financially secure, and he had all his hair. I’d loved him before he’d had the success and money, though, back when he was just a kid with a dream.

  I let go of Matty’s hand and rolled toward him, snuggling into his chest. He hesitated, as if he didn’t know what to do, and then he brought his arm over me. I buried my head under his chin. I had so many conflicting thoughts and emotions running through my mind, screaming at me, and I just wanted them to be quiet.

  On one hand, I got it. I didn’t give Will enough attention, yet always made time for Matty. Things between my husband and I were more than a little strained. Plus, it was a little hard to be judgmental of Will’s extracurricular activities, considering I was lying in bed with a half-naked man—ok, a mostly naked man—that was engaged to someone else. We’d not only spent the night in the same bed, but were locked in what could only be described as an intimate embrace. I sure as hell couldn’t cast the first stone. On the other hand, I’d never cheated.

  I’d fantasized about Matty, sure, but I would never actually betray Will that way. I’m sure Taylor looked at Matty and I, and saw it differently. It really just depended on your definition of cheating. Would I be this upset if Will had an emotional connection with his co-worker? What if the two of them were as close as Matty and I, without having sex; would I be as upset as I am now?

  The answer was probably yes. I wanted Will to look at me the way he looked at the girl last night, to want me like he obviously wanted her. But I didn’t look at Will the same way I looked at Matty. Will and I didn’t have anything in common, other than our kids, we just didn’t like the same things. He wasn’t my friend. I sighed as I realized that I really was just as guilty as Will in this whole mess we’d gotten ourselves into.

  “That’s a big sigh.” Matty leaned back, pulling away. “The world’s problems aren’t going to get solved here, kid.” He sat up, getting out of bed and reaching back for me. “Come on, let’s go clear our minds with a run.”

  Our clothes from last night were still soaked, but Matty insisted he’d be ok in wet jeans until he got dry clothes. In turn, I insisted we take my car instead of the bike. My stomach was in knots by the time we pulled into his driveway, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Taylor’s car wasn’t there. Matty laughed at my reaction. “I told you she’d be gone. She has a get together with her family. I’ll be right back”

  I refused to go in, keeping my car in neutral in case the crazy bitch came back. I didn’t have to worry long, though. Matty was true to his word and came out just a few minutes later in gym shorts, a tank top and sneakers. He threw a bag into my backseat as he climbed in. He grinned at my confused look. “I’m not going to dinner in running gear.” Made sense. “Plus, I want to have something to sleep in tonight besides boxers.” I’d started out of his drive way but slammed on my brakes, snapping my head around to see him. He shrugged. “Just in case.”

  The beach at Popham Fort was only twenty-five minutes from Matty’s. We’d had such a late start that by the time we got there, families were scattered on towels and blankets along the sand and children darted in and out of the cold water. It was one of my favorite places in the world, whether running with Matty or playing with my kids. No matter what time of day, it was just peaceful.

  We decided to start at the fort, run down past the old lifeguard station, around the bend, and then back to the old lifeguard station. Matty was much faster than I was, a fact I blamed on his long legs, and I struggled to keep his pace. By the time we got half way down the beach, I had to slow down. I watched him jog to the bend and turn back before I gave up and started to walk. It was just too hot in the July sun. He smiled, stopping to walk with me, and grabbed my hand. “It’s never too hot to run!”

  I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to hold my hand, you know. I’m not going to be get lost.”

  “Yeah, but I want to.” He paused, giving me a weird look. “If it makes you uncomfortable…” Holding his hand didn’t make me uncomfortable, it was just… new. He’d held my elbow before, and I’d put my hand in the crook of his arm. Hand holding though was just more per
sonal. I shook my head when he tried to pull his hand out of mine. He yanked me toward him, laughing. He was covered in sweat, hair messed up from the ocean breeze, and was slightly out of breath, but he was completely in his element. When I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t help but smile. “Feels great to sweat the stress out, right?” Sure. That’s why I’m smiling. I nodded and tightened my grip on his hand, holding it all the way to the car.

  The rest of the day flew by. We hung out at the hotel pool, me swimming laps and getting some sun while he read in the shade. My kids called in the early afternoon, and I was excited to listen to each talk about what they’d been doing. After that, we went to a matinee and dinner and were back at the hotel before eight. I’d put my phone on the charger before we left and forgotten it in the room. I was surprised to see eighteen missed calls. I panicked, thinking something happened to one of the kids. Then, scrolling down through the call list, I realized they were all from Will.

  “I never cancelled with Will!” Appalled that I’d completely forgotten, I hit the recall button instantly. Matty laughed, but I didn’t see the humor.

  “Where in the hell have you been?” The anger coming from the other end of the phone surprised me.

  “I’m so sorry! I forgot my phone and…”

  “We had plans! I’ve been calling you for hours!” Will interrupted, seething. “If you were going to blow me off, you should have let me know hours ago. I could have…”

  It was my turn to interrupt. “Could have what?” Gone to Portland with your girlfriend again? I almost let the words slip out.

  Will sighed. “It isn’t important. It’s too late now.”

  “It’s barely eight, Will.”

  “You’re right.” His voice was calmer now. “I can come pick you up.” I hesitated. It had been such a good day, I didn’t want to end it with a fight. Sensing my reluctance, he continued. “We need to talk. I’d prefer to do it face-to-face.”